well she doesn't need to just hope for the best or just leave it in Gods Hands.

She can do this while you are away .....

STOP going out to pubs and parties

stop drinking

stop allowing her needs to be met by smooth talking SOB's

stop talking to men on her own & on the make ..... Soldier every woman born knows when a guy is on the make wants a bit etc

She needs to find other wives who DON'T cheat & join their circles and support groups

She can read "his needs her needs" & "surviving an affair" as a start

she can AGREE to get counselling with a MB based counsellor YOU choose

she can promise to tell you WHATEVER you want to know about the affair no matter how sick and sordid it may be if YOU want to know. NO LIES OR OMISSIONS

and that's just the beginning.

SHE can TAKE actions to show she is serious.... because if she continues to party for instance then frankly how committed is she?

If she says all these things but her actions do not reflect the words... then I suspect she is not committed and quite likely just too immature to be a wife to anyone.

Some people at 18 are reliable... loyal and loving... dedicated to their relationship ... while others at double that age are still in junior high in their heads.

And maybe just maybe your wife is one of those spouses who will NEVER be able to adjust to the Military life ... it in NO way excuses her cheating ... never ... but maybe its something you need to ponder.

be willing to work on the M... BUT don't EVER accept dregs. You deserve better.

take care Soldier .... with a mothers hug to stay safe

AW

You are getting excellent advice from one of our very best, Aussieswife. She has lived the life and made way too many sacrifices.

But she is LIVING the fairytale marriage, and has continued to post here to help others.

Hang in there, and have hope. Never ever give up a day before the miracle. AW is proof that miracles DO happen. I posted to her husband before she came here. He didn't give up and endured too much also.

Out of the ashes of war, a new marriage (and a new child) rose.

The same "buddy" who contributed to your pain is now doing you the best thing he could ever do to repay you. By having no contact with your "hopefully" FWW, her needs are no being met by him, allowing her to start withdrawal and recovery, and also put thoughts of you back in that position of love and affection.

All that of course rests with her ability to say focused, and not seek out another needs filler.

By no means make promises you are unsure you can keep, but say positive, and SET BOUNDRIES that you know you will enforce if broken.

I mentioned the books that AW mentioned to have my wife read. I sent the book titles by e-mail and by the time I called my wife she said she already ordered them from online. The counselor my wife is seeing is a counselor of my choosing and I know she will help my wife at least as an individual, but as for our marriage I just don't know. There is too much distance to see the situation from here to really tell how things are going to be. I haven't even had the oppertunity to look my wife in the eye since this all happened. So far my wife isn't telling me everything, but at least she has admitted she hasn't told me everything yet. I guess she needs to work up the courage to get it out and I can give her a little time. I understand how hard it can be to say things to someone sometimes, especially when it's bad. I hope things can become more clear when I get home instead of having these disembodied conversations and e-mails with my wife. When I talk to someone I love and am trying to work out problems I have to see them to look into their eyes and see the true reactions behind the words. I can't do that from out here and it is ripping me apart the longer it takes for me to get home. This holding pattern I am in is almost unbearable, but I love her too much to just quit with out seeing her in person to make that decision. Talking to her, she says stays in more and has stoped going to parties. I am relieved she has sotped the parties, but I don't much care for her friend she hangs out with. I can't really say much about it though because she literally has no other friends, I mean literally none. I just hope to go home and have a resouloution so I can get on with my life and know where I'm headed. Being on hold sucks!!

Soldier don't know how to break this to you ..... looking into someone's eyes to tell if they are truthful doesn't work!!

I was an EXCELLENT liar to my mum and dad and sisters and daughter and son when I was foggy .... It was only towards the very end of the affair that my mum was suspicious of "something" else going on. But she was still very shocked I had an affair. She thought it was drugs or alcohol.

Most husbands are easily fooled for a long time because 'she looked me in the eye and calmly said .....'

Only later as the guilt and remorse came into the mix did it become obvious when I was less than truthful or avoiding the issue altogether.

So please don't expect too much that way. The best you may get from the leave is a willingness to work on the M... learn to find new friends in safer circles... maybe you could find out from your mates where they are?? .... it will be slow just don't get over excited right now... is a long road and a hard one.

I do so hope she can come up to the mark for her sake as well as yours. Soldier it is very very hard to be so isolated in an Army environment for your wife. It was very hard for me too when I was 18 and early 20's moving from post to post. She really NEEDS to widen her circle of friends.

Fcal,

I know you feel like a trapped rat due to forced separate.

I just wanted to give you a bit of the "grass is greener" scenario.

The first few weeks post D-Day, I was a month or two from terminal leave/retirement. I completely had my mind set on taking a position in Iraq for 12 months. I wanted the distance separation you have now. I wanted to be so busy I would not have time to dwell on what was occuring in my life. I wanted to escape the entire thing. If not for my 3 children, and the fact their father always had a bag packed, and was deployed 50% of their lifes, I would have jumped at the opportunity to leave this continent and move half a world away.

In hindsight, I'm glad I stayed home, but at that point... I would have envied you.

Your doing a great job. Your expectations, your cautious analytical process will serve you well.

I would also recommend you checkout mgolfers new thread HERE, considered what he is now dealing with in early phases of recovery. It's very normal, and something that I still deal with to a lesser degree 5 years later.

-JKT

Thanks for refering me to that thread. It was good to see I'm not the only one who is having these feelings and yes it is a rollercoaster. I just want to get to the end of the ride and even though I can get off at any time, I have to stay on for the whole thing so I can say I held on to the end. It sucks feeling like a traped rat and my life is on hold untill I get back home. The feelings I have are just getting stagnate and settling in my mind instead of being worked out and filtered. Some days are just unbearable and others are really good. My mind is focused on work when it has to be, but that just builds up the water behind the flood gates untill I get some time to myself and then a tital wave of emotion pours out. I have several more months to go and I have to hold on through the storms. I guess as one person said all they wanted to do was deploy so they could get away from the situation and here I am deployed and want to go home to be closer to the situation. I guess we will never know what option is better and it seems to be a hard road either way. I still love my WW and I still can't see a future with out her. All my plans have revolved around her and starting a family in our own house. The plans I have are now in question and I had no other plans laied out. If my marriage should fail I have no direction to head in and will have to see blindly where to go next. I am scared, hurt, angry, ect... it all just a tornado of emotions that come in stages. I have hope and have to hang on to it, if I don't I won't be able to survive through the storms. I know I will be fine as long as I can find hope in something, anything, I just have to find it and right now it's my marriage with the possibility that we can make it work.

I've been thinking. So far my wife dosn't know about Marriage Builders and all she knows is I've been copying and pasting some articles from it. The last thing I sent was the Love Busters discriptions and the test that went with them. I'm thinking about telling her about Marriage Builders and about my thread. I'm not sure if this would be helpful or not. I think the articles would help her, but I don't know what she would think about my thread. What should I do? I could use some feed back on weather or not this is a good idea or not, or if there is a better time to tell her. Well I'll be thinking about it and looking for some input to show me all the points for or against. I want to make the right decisions and feel like I can't afford to make the wrong ones.

Wait until you are in the recovery mode.

Imagine is exactly right, wait until you are in recovery. Otherwise this won't be a safe place for you to plan and vent.

Prayers going up for you and your wife. I know it must be very hard. In the end, you will feel good that you gave it your all under very difficult circumstances. I promise you that.

AW is right, your wife needs to change friends. When my man was in Vietnam (yes, a looonnnnnggggg time ago), I only did things with other military wives. And at that time, my unmarried sister was living with me. But I found I didn't fit in with her and friends my own age who were single. They wanted to go out and party. I stayed home and it was lonely.

Also I didn't fit in with married people, as my partner was gone. So the best place for me was with others going through the same thing.

I think I just made a huge discovery. I just went through a lot of the articles on this site and found one that hit me hard. After reading Infidelity: The Lessons Children Learn it fit perfectly with my wife's childhood. From what I know of her past and her parents having their own battle of infidelity she observed the whole thing. You can read the article and tell me what you think. I hope that for my wife there is hope to unlearn these lessons and save our marriage. I copied the text of the article and sent it to my wife hoping she takes the time to read and respond to it. Now I just have to sit and wait to see how she takes it. I hate waiting.

Soldier I am glad you are doing well and pray all is going as best as can be for you right now.

I would advise to be very careful about 'educating' your wife. It can backfire and create resentment.
It maybe better to be more subtle. Point towards the MB idea rather than specifics right now. NOT THE FORUM YET though.

You could say it appears to have a great success rate and maybe it could work for us.

A WW is very resistant to being lectured especially if they have begun to recognise what they have done. Shame... fear... anger ... and so many confused feelings just mean they want to kill off any info which points to what they have done.

A WW really needs to work on themselves. I know it is VERY frustrating and you want to FIX it but you cannot.
What you can do is talk with her of each of your emotional needs.... what are hers ... what are yours ... talk about the little things right now .... no deep heavy discussions ... when she is down encourage and say we can work on this ... if she doubts herself say doubts are ok but together we are stronger than we both think .... be careful of making promises you may not be able or even want to keep

keep her engaged without driving her off. Tell her you appreciate her staying away from parties and pubs. Expect she may fail in some things. You are doing well and probably the best you can in the circumstances. Hold on to your boundaries though.

Until you are home and working with your wife its just too hard to be sure of the true situation. Patience Soldier.

Prayers for you and your wife

AW

By the time I saw your post I had already copied and e-mailed the articles I read yesterday to my wife. I hope I didn't just push her away and all I was trying to do was help. I didn't realize my idea of helping could potentially push her away and that is the last thing I want. I'm just sitting here in Iraq stewing and can't do anything with my situation. The idle chit chat is driving me up the wall and I feel like we really need to work on these issues. Just sitting out here untill I get home is driving me nuts and it's scary to think that my idea of helping could acutually be hurting us in the end. The only thing I could think to do after coming in this morning is to send her an e-mail apologizing for sending her all those articles. I let her know my intention and if it had the oppisite effect I was sorry. I explained my fellings of helplessness to her and how I am just wanting to come home. I let her know I love her and wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt her. All I want to do is to heal our relationship in the marriage and to get the pain to stop. My patience is wearing thin and I really need to get home.

Soldier don't panic!!! Its ok

take a deep breath and calm down. ITS OK

Sending one article is not the end of the world its just you need to be aware not to keep doing it. Now also don't over do the apologies either for one single little thing like this.

ITS OK. Let this just go to the outfield. Forget it. Done with.

You see for you the instinct... the drive is to want to FIX it NOW.
This attack on you and your M will not repair quickly. It will take a lot of time...

I know it's very hard right now and it feels as if you are spinning your wheels and playing the fiddle while Rome burns. Your actions HAVE NOT damaged your M .. understand that .... your wife did that. She has that to carry and accept responsibility for that.
That is simple fact.

Keep up the small talk... encourage her to talk about what she is doing ... even if you hear she has been out to parties etc... its better to keep communication open for now and have some info on what is happening.

Please Soldier its not the end of the world by any means and its only one email. Keep to your long term plan ... Plan A and MC perhaps with the Harley's on your return home. I firmly believe they are your BEST chance of giving your M a chance. If your wife is only playing you along then they are very good at finding that out as well.

now remember .... one email like this WILL NOT wreck any recovery chance. Be calm be strong as you can.

AW

Yes, you are doing fine. Don't worry about what sending her the articles will do. She may be annoyed, but she will get over that, and just maybe, something will sink in.

The hardest thing is just to do nothing. Stay calm and be still. Work on your recovery, and however things turn out, you will be okay.

I'll try not to panic about the articles that I sent my wife. I haven't heard back from her since I sent them and I am working CQ all night. I'm hoping since I am working CQ all night while she is at work we can e-mail back and forth, I just wish I could put messenger on my computer here to make it easier. Things for me are better for the most part and I am having fewer sleepless nights. I have about 10 more weeks untill leave and I am getting anxious about going home. I hope I can enjoy my leave and see some progress when I get home. Wish me luck and I will keep you all posted on how I'm doing and what's going on.

How are you doing Soldier? Just checking in to see you are ok and still talking with your wife when you can.

pray all is well with you.

take care

AW

Well things are ok and I still have my tough days. When I was on CQ duty I had an all night shift and talked to my wife e-mailing back and forth. We can't use messenger so e-mails had to do. After chit chatting with my wife all night I came into work the next day and the first e-mail I got was from my mom. She said my wife got my valentines day present which was a really nice blue dress (Iraqi made). My mom said my wife opend the box and saw the dress, she was shocked and started crying and couldn't say anything. I got an e-mail from my wife and she said she loved the dress and it looks almost to pretty to wear. I'm not sure what I should do on my leave, but I think I would like to take her out someplace nice where she can wear it. It seems so far my wife is avoiding any of our issues, almost like she is pretending none of this ever happened and it is kind of frustrating. I'm hoping she is just waiting for me to get home before she confronts any of what has happened. I wouldn't be able to move on unless we identified the problem in our marriage and came up with a soloution. I know enough that if you have a problem and you ignore it, it dosn't go away. In fact a problem that is ignored only grows bigger and you end up asking why didn't I just handle it when it was small? I am a straight forward person who when faced with a problem dosn't argue, rather I talk to the person and have them help me find the soloution, weather it be a compramise or just clairify a miscomunication. A lot of times when I confront a problem it is resolved peacefully and everyone ends up happy or we at least peacfully agree to disagree. I hope when my wife and I confront these issues that we will have the strength, patience, and understanding to make things work. After all that has happened I still love her and don't want to give up on us. Well that is what is going on with me so far and thank you so much for your prayers. I think the reason I am doing so well is because of God working in my life and all the prayer I am doing and recieving.

Soldier

your wife is most probably very much wanting to act as if it never happened. That was my first response and very common. You think if everyone pretends it didn't happen then it will all be ok.
Doesn't work.
Don't be concerned now... your wife talking to you even while not talking about the affair itself is likely a good way to go when you are so far away.

sometimes a indirect question answers the issue ... She may even volunteer the info ... its good to keep your ears open and listen. You'll be surprised what you learn by encouraging her to talk ... like what's going on in the real world? etc etc

Please seriously think about HOW you are going to set up a plan on your return. Have you thought about contacting the Harley's on this site ... I believe you can do it by email ... I firmly believe you need a plan to work through or even just start. I encourage you to spend the money and contact the Harley's.

If there is any way to get your command to give you some extended leave to put more time into the M recovery ... if that's what your wife really wants and what YOU really want .... then see if that can be arranged. I know its not easy but maybe they can do something.

Meanwhile... think of the need for a good counselling .... keep her talking .. and that dress hit a BIG love bank deposit I am guessing ... her actions hit her like a bus I am thinking. GOOD. But now don't smother her with presents or the like .... but again the dress a good move. Don't be too needy in your emails .... do what you have mainly been doing .... communicate ... talking .... nothing too heavy over the email or phone.

YOU ARE DOING VERY OK

You may relate to this .. my DD as you know married a soldier and even though a Army brat she is still having problems with hubby away. A young woman in a new M especially leans on her hubby.. very natural .... usually evens out in time ... but in the Army and away a lot you as a wife feel 'abandoned' ... she too is having some minor behaviour adjustments lets say ... she spoke to one of the family counsellors who said to her " The Army is a tough mistress and sometimes is a real beech" .... and its true.

Its another issue long term you may need to consider.

For now take care and will continue to pray for you both.

AW

I'm not fimiliar with the Harley's or how to contact them, but I will try. Last night was a tough one for me as my buddy out here found out his brother died in a car accident. I stayed up with him and tried to comfort him, but what can you really say or do after something like that. My brigade is letting him go on leave early so he can get home and handle things. When it comes to extended leave time or emergency leaves my unit is uncompassionate. They keep preaching that they care for the soldiers and their families, but it's all just PR bull crap. I have heard of catostrophic family ordeals that make my situation pale in comparison and the unit just told them tough your staying here. I can't believe that there are such cold people in my command, but I have seen and heard it time and time again. As far as family readyness they are only interested in making money it seems. The only time they called my mom or my wife they were asking if they could voulenteer to work a booth or something to make money. Not once did they ask, how are you doing or what can we do for you to make this time easier? The lack of care and compassion is another reason I am getting out of the Army when I get back home. I do talk to my wife on a fairly regular basis and have tried to stop talking about the affair untill I get home and at the same time I don't want to be a door mat and have the issue go by unresolved. I can not let this whole thing go like it never happened and if my wife thinks that is what is going to happen she is severly mistaken. I don't know what lies ahead, but I hope when the time comes to face this she has the courage and the detication to do so in order to save us. I have let her know I am here and willing to work with her, but that our future is no longer secure the way things are. It seems that for now we are just surviving one day at a time untill our marriage recieves the treatment it needs to recover. I don't think I sound too needy in my e-mails to my wife and the only thing I can think of that I do is I let her know I still love her and I will be here as long as she is willing to work on us. Thank you for your prayers and I am trying to stay positive.