Really? Am I that naive?

There is nothing to reveal. Her affair is right out in the open. She is keeping you BOTH.

again - am I that naive? when she "goes to break it off with him" she's really going to sleep with him? - REALLY?!

I think it's time for a little testosterone and setting your foot down.

Time to stop walking on egg shells.

You should have expressed your displeasure at her going to see OM. There needs to be NC.

And there needs to be an ulitmatum, IMHO, that the contact ends and she quits her job or she can pack her stuff up and leave. And if she starts whining and crying about OM you tell her to not disrespect you by crying over another man who was doing his wife.

I think the egg shell walking has to stop. I think it's time for real sticks to come out in your Plan A and that any and all contact with OM will be treated as a slap in the face to you regardless of the reason she has the contact.

And any claim of her plans about never seeing OM should be met with a look of indifference as if you don't believe one word of what you're hearing and that you're not buying one word of her babble.

Set your foot down. The disrespect needs to stop immediately.

And yes, you're being naive about her sleeping with OM. Part of her closure likely included a goodbye ***edit***. She'll try to have several other meetings with him in the interest of getting "closure".

yep! This is the SECOND TIME she has met up to have sex with the OM and "ended it." Cute!

I guess I don't understand how to play the winning hand.
Please keep coaching me.

Are you SERIOUS?? If someone is serious about "ending" something, they END it by closing the door, NOT by resuming contact. Nor does it take HOURS to "end it." Nor does it take 2-3 sessions to "end it."

your wife is having sex with the OM. This is her cover story: "I am going to end it." She has played this card TWICE.

I am not guessing, I am TELLING YOU THIS IS THE CASE.

She is not going to end the affair. She has no intention of ending the affair because SHE CAN HAVE YOU BOTH. She has set this up so she can have BOTH.

I AM coaching you!!

I'm tracking with you baron ... but the ultimatum seems contradictory to Plan A ... help me out here. I'm trying to fidn the balance between doormat and raging jealous disrespected husband.

ok. so she's lied to MIL and I twice in the past week to see the OM and she volunteered that she went to a party with him and "nothing happened".

You're saying (and I really don't doubt you, but wish you were wrong) that she's hooked up with him for sex 3 times this past week.

How am I supposed to confront that. What should I be doing that I'm not.

Is Baron right, do I generate an ultimatum and put my foot down.

I need to regain some control here. Feel like I'm losing.

gwn, a DEMAND will not work, that is why I have been giving you talking points. Those lines assure her that her setup is not going to work and you won't settle for that. She needs to know you can't settle for that. Over and over and over again.

You can't be silent about this or she will believe this arrangement is acceptable to you.

Ok. So i repeat the broken record - using your talking points, she ignores me and continues to do what she's doing ... following through with her rescheduling plans ... I greet every contact that she has with OM with words of disapproval and how much it hurts me and the boys, call her on her lies, allow my distrust and suspicion to be known. Supposing this continues indefinitely, what play do I have?

It feels powerless to say "i won't settle for that" when really my only play is disapproval or a move to plan B. I really feel like I'm missing something here.

I haven't read your whole thread but just the latest posts.

You cannot recover your marriage by being a doormat! You are allowing fear to dictate your actions. You cannot be afraid to lose your WW. Why would you be? Who would want to live with somebody like this for the rest of their life?!?

Your WW is cake-eating. C'mon...you can't possibly be so naive as to not see it. You are choosing not to see it because you are 'hoping for the best'. Well, if you keep operating like that you are in for nothing but pain and hurt moving forward.

It is time for you to set some boundaries and some consequences. It's time for no more contact with OM or you move on to Plan B.

You will not win back your WW and save your marriage by being a doormat. Time to get some cajones.

Mindshare

This is why there comes a point when you have to set your foot down. Otherwise you're just blowing smoke and getting nowhere.

The men on this board who take decisive action do well while those that whine and cry and walk on eggshells don't.

By doing well I'm talking about custody, not necessarily about saving the marriage.

But it's ironic that strong legal action and filing for custody is the one thing which seems to wake the WWes up to the fact that they stand to lose a ton by continuing their affair and not fixing their marriages.

What Melody sees as a demand I see it as a boundary and a line in the sand.

Her bags packed, locks changed, fiancial isolation, and legal papers are consequences to her affair.

I look back at my own situation and wish I had had the mental and emotional strength to the throw the cheating woman out on the street with enough cash for a hotel and a taxi while I filed all the legal motions I could to crucify her in court.

Granted, I loved her at the time and didn't wish to do that, but hindsight is 20/20.

The fact is that facing the ruin of the legal hell that was unleashed on her along with getting locked out of the home would have done a lot more for lifting her fog than what I did do which was cower, cry, whine, and surrender to her demands.

I look back in shame I wasn't strong. I urge you to not do the same as I did because trust me when I tell you that you will get over her.

Want to save your marriage? Draw the line in the sand and go to Plan B but get your legal ducks in order first.

She's ****edit**** another man and then coming home to cry to you about him. That's beyond disrespectful in my book and worthy of a pi$$ed off reaction by you.

You just let her know this will not work and you can't live like this. If she doesn't get it soon, then you move to separate and go into Plan B.

But, a DEMAND will not work for you in protecting your boundaries. A DEMAND will only make her dig in her feet even further. You state your boundaries, give her time to get on board, and then if she doesn't, take steps to separate.

WW refuses to leave the job.

WW refuses to stop seeing the OM.

You can't/refuse to believe that WW is still bangng the OM.

You believe her baloney we just hung out to party. Tell WW you know what the OM hung out and how she partied with it. Tell WW that you were not born yesterday to believe this garbage.

Expose every time WW goes and see's the OM.

This has happened three times. Have you reexposed every new time that WW has hooked up with the OM?

Good byes do not have to be done in person. They did not just talk.

Its not that its contradictory, its just that it DOESN'T WORK. You have boundaries and you have to be prepared to defend them with action. But you are much less likely to get what you need by making DEMANDS. You simply state your boundary and she either respects it or she doesnt. After some time, if she doesnt, then you act.

gwn, have you exposed at her work? The embarassment of everyone at her job knowing she acting like a ho may make her quit. She'll be pissed but so be it.

I'm one who agrees that an ultimatatum is the same as a boundary. However once you draw a line in the sand you need to stick to your guns and just not use it as a threat.

I would ask her not to bring up the subject of OM again. Do not bring up this man yourself. Focus on you.

Privately I would confront OM and find out what he intends to do with your wife? You know, if he don't like kids he is playing in the wrong arena.

Also this helps adjust your long term plans.

gwn, set her down and tell her you love her, but this plan will not work. It will not work for your marriage since every time she goes to work she will be triggered. And YOU will be triggered. You cannot live like that.

Tell her you also know that she is using "ending my affair" as a cover to sleep with the OM and you don't appreciate being lied to. [if she tries to deny it, just wave your hand and say "don't even bother - I already know"] That is not fair to you and the boys.

What you are willing to is give her another chance if ends all contact with the OM and leaves the gym forever. that is the only way your marriage is going to recover. Tell her you cannot live in a marriage where she goes to see the OM every day because that triggers you. Her affair has been devastating to you and the boys and unless she agrees to end all contact, you will have to take action to protect you and the boys. But the only way you are willing to work on this is if she takes the necessary first steps and leaves the gym and agrees to MOVE somewhere else.

Just get it all out there, gwn. You CANNOT sit there silently while she TELLS you what she is willing to do. The RAPIST does not get to develop the recovery plan for the rape victims.