What am I suppose to be feeling at this point? I'm going through the motions of living without FEELING except for bouts of sadness and tears and disbelief. Just can't stop thinking of WH, OW (winning!), and D -- and how my life has come to a screeching halt into he!l.

I took the kids shopping this weekend. I cleaned the house. I drove around kids. I watched a movie. I'm keeping busy.

But I'm numb inside and scared. Scared that WH is happy with new life. Scared that D will be painful. Scared that I could never attract back WH after A ends.

I feel pathetic.

Holy are you there? Stick with me me girl..

Did you hear, WH and crack ho broke up...

I went through those days of just existing, nothing inside, just existing because I had children.

I felt what I felt. I just allowed what ever feeling was there to be present. I fought it, OMG I fought it, but none of my addictions were running at that point. And all I had was G-d and the relationship I was nurturing with him. Because in the end, EVERYONE can disappoint us, but G-d well he is always here for us. He holds us on these days when we are just numb. He cries when we cries because he knows how deeply we hurt over what has happened. And he wants more for us.

I was scared, I was certain WH was happy in his life. I was scared to file for D. I was scared to move and I was scared to just stand still. But I did move and you know as of Friday he wasn't with crack ho. Now he could be today, I don't know what happened, but what I know is that there was a calm over me because I intuitively knew what to do, how you say. Because I learned to trust G-d and I learned to let go and let G-d have my life and my will and what happens is in his hands.

Knowing me, one would have thought that I would have fallen apart that WH didn't come home after breaking up with her. Or more importantly those who know me would have thought I would be making crazy trying to figure it out, how to get him home, how to make contact... etc....

But the truth is... I have no clue what happened, I don't know what is going on because I'm in Plan B and protected from the chaos, the drama and the toxicity of them.

TRUST G-D....

Trust G-d Holy. I

Ok, I'm better. Thanks, Queenie, for reminding me to turn it over to God when I feel overwhelming dispair -- and to Hope for the phone conversation.

I guess my biggest fear right now is financial. And I can't be dark about digging into finances at this point. I need to protect myself and my children. And the more I find -- Holy Crap, Batman!!!

Big fear -- I found so much A-related debt that I may lose my house during D.

And this thanks to my WH -- occupation -- commerical banker. Former Mr. "Fiscally Responsible and Credit History Guru." Mr. "We have No Debt" during 23 years of M. Mr. "the only debt we have is the mortgage." Yes, surprise, surprise. He ALSO lied to me about our finances.

And he thinks this won't come out during the D that he's pushing? Unless he thinks he can unload 50% on me. Yeah -- right -- in your dreams, Mr. A. Hole.

I only hope that he and OW are prepared to live on "love."

I'm having 2nd PBL remorse. BIG TIME!

NEVER should have sent message on Valentine's Day. I showed weakness. And since D has begun, I showed desperation. What kind of wife sends a "love letter" when WH is with OW, has abandoned his children, and has filed for D? Am I a glutton for punishment?

I know I need help believing I am worthy of more than this. Why do I think that this man will change if I can "just get through to him"? I know better. I cannot change him. He needs to do that himself and it may NEVER happen.

I guess a year of this crap really takes a toll on a person's self-esteem.

That's why Plan B is essential. That -- and GAL.

Plan B is for you, HH, not to get him to do anything. The best thing you can hope for at this point is to show yourself as a capable, loveable, headstrong person who does NOT need him - WANTS him, but does not need him. Human nature, he'll want what he can't have. And you'll be prouder of yourself. You're doing fine.

Hi HH, stopping in to say hi. Have not really posted all day.
I think you did the right thing giving Plan B to H.

As you know I am in the same boat with H deep in with OW and filing for D but I gave him Plan B letter on Thursday. Sure it must have been shocking, maybe they had a good laugh over it but I felt better.

One day at a time, friend, one day at a time.

Thanks, Cat.

I AM capable, resourceful, and lovable....but I'm also frustrated with all the added responsibility of running a household alone and losing my H.

Talking with sister today, I said "How ironic. WH rescues a single mom with three kids who's been hurt in past relationships. He wines and dines her and takes her out of town on vacations. WH provides her and her kids with financial support, protection and affection. He's now the man of the house."

And NOW I'm the single mom with three kids who's been hurt in this relationship. I'm alone with no husband helping with the house, yard, kids, etc. I get zero affection nor vacations. I do not get wined and dined. And I anticipate a huge financial struggle as D moves ahead.

So I'm now in her situation and she's in mine. WH "rescued" a single mom AND he turned me into one. OW essentially stole my life and left me with hers.

The major difference, however, is that I have morals and values and I'm never going to hook up with a married man and break up his family. NEVER.

Hey, Hope:

Thanks for checking in.

I should have treated sending letter like buying a hand gun -- using a mandatory waiting period. That way, I would have had time to reconsider before tapping the "send" button.

But for some reason, I felt compelled to write the letter that morning. Maybe it was God "speaking" to my heart. Just maybe it made WH think of me and miss me.

And just maybe, OW read and got furious. We can only hope.

It sounds like you're doing pretty well, HH. You seem to know what you need to do and why you're doing it. I see you getting emotional and being frustrated and venting, but that's part of the process. The roller-coaster ride.

This is really important. I think the best way to avoid having thoughts about WH fill up your head is to keep busy. Fill your life with as many interesting things to do as you realistically can.

And take care of yourself. Even better if can make some new time-filling activities something that help you, too. I always recommend yoga, because it's been great for me.

Well, this is always a good idea when reacting from emotion (like the massive trigger that is Valentine's Day), but

I don't see this as being a big problem. Jennifer had me doing things like this. The way she put it was "What do you have to lose? The only thing it can cost you is your ego, and we're not worried about that." The trick is to send it without any expectations that it will make a difference. Nothing will penetrate the Fog until he's hit bottom.

And he will. It's not a vacation he's on--it's a giant hole-digging exercise he's on.

Wow, SDGUY. I already feel better.

I did say "What do I have to lose?" when I sent the letter. And if Jennifer says we have to do this some times, then OK -- I did it, I accept responsiblity for it, I have no expectations -- now MOVE ON, Holy Heart.

Got it. Back to the depths of PB.

Well, there's a counterargument, of course--some people will tell you that you should never drop the darkness of your plan B. And that just because Jennifer recommended it for one situation doesn't mean it's applicable for everyone.

My take is that every situation is different. In my situation, it became clear that it didn't really matter what I did--the infidels are going to do what they're going to do, and when the affair dies, it won't be because of anything that I did.

This is especially true for walk-away WS's. I caught up a bit on your thread today but am no expert--it sounds like your WH is more walk-away rather than cake-eating. Does that sound right?

Under those circumstances, the most important thing your Plan B does is protects your willingness to reconcile. You're waiting it out, hoping you're still interested on the day your WH pulls his head out of his [censored].

So, I don't see anything wrong with what you did.

I saw in your thread signs that you want to let go of your WH, but I also see you still attached to him. Thinking about him, wondering what he's doing, probably wondering like crazy whether Plan B is having an effect on him. This is totally natural! But it doesn't help you. That's why I recommended putting something else into your life. The more good things you have going in your life, the less likely it is that those annoying thoughts about WH and OW will creep into your head during the empty moments, and the quicker you will heal.

What kinds of things are you doing to take care of you?

Ah, but YOU don't have a BUS named KARMA heading your way.

And you have the respect and admiration of so many people along with G-d walking with you.

OW has a selfish, self-centered monster who would run out on HIS family, his wife, his children in the blink of an eye.

Yeah, like coaching basketball. I hope your daughter's seasons are going well.

Hey Holy.

Just popping by to let you know I keep up with your thread. Personally I liked Plan B a lot more than Plan A.

Everything you are experiencing is totally par for the wayward course and Plan B.

Stay tough. One way or another your perspective will be far different a year from now and if you focus on your own recovery it will all be good.

-chrisner

You're right. WH is a WAS in a full blown midlife crisis. He wants no responsiblities of wife or kids or home or anything. He just wants OW and a rock star/Viva Las Vegas lifestyle where money is never a problem and there are never any consequenses.

During most of last year, he was definitely a cake eater wanting both lives. But since the last move out and the pressure from OW to just be done with me, he's become a true walk-away moving full steam ahead with the D.

As for keeping busy -- believe me -- I am. This is sad, but today I spent all afternoon writing up testomony to help my sister get an anullment through the church for her divorce resulting from her H's affair. And I didn't cry once as I socked it to my XBIL.

Now -- on to FAFSA forms for DS's college financial aid.

Then -- to Bunco with the girls.

As for basketball, DD15 has one more game tomorrow night. Her team lost by 3 last night. Almost pulled off the upset of the season. DD scored 4, but missed 2 freethrows with 46 seconds left. She was happy they did as well as they did. Tomorrow's team isn't much competition so I hope she has a few more opportunities to score.

And when basketball ends on Thursday, DD begins swim team then on to water polo in the summer.

Gosh -- it's a great distraction to have my kids in sports. Plus it helps sitting by supportive parents who know my sitch and keep me busy.

Thanks for the advice. ALWAYS appreciated.

Hey HH, stopping by to say hi.
Liked the analogy comparing yourself to OW and being in the same position as she was. Wow.

I was feeling like that today also. D28 talked to H today. She asked him what he did over the weekend and he said he played cards with "friends". Well I guess those friends were OW, Ow D and her husband. I felt so sad. That is what we used to do, get together with other couples and have a good time. He replaced me with OW and is now just doing the same things but screwed up drinking, and screwed up his family.

I am so glad my D15 plays soccer also. Love supporting her at the games.

Guess what I did today??? Found cheap tickets for CA! yippee. D15 is excited. We both need to get out of her! Will keep you posted.

Last basketball game of the season. DD's team won 61-6. Whoo-whooo. Now onto swim team tomorrow!

I talked with a friend after the game. She has three DD's playing basketball, and she and her H are very busy watching games 4 nights a week.

We talked about parenting and how our role as parents has changed as our kids got older. We both agreed that it's not quite as much "fun" as it used to be. It's different -- having hormonal teenagers compared to happy-go-lucky little kids. But that's part of life, you accept it, and you plow along.

And we talked about WH and how he just stopped being a parent. He quit. He quit when the kids grew up and weren't as much fun. Just like he quit on our M -- when it got stale and wasn't as much fun.

Believe me -- pre A, WH really played with his kids. He read them bedtime stories. He wrestled with them on the living room floor. He coached their teams. He played ball in the yard. He taught them to surf. He taught them to play poker. He was the dad always doing stuff with his kids and his nieces and nephews.

Then -- then -- the kids grew up. And they got more independent. And he started the A. And he disconnected. He said "the kids don't need me anymore. They've got their own lives and would rather spend time with their friends." This wasn't true; they just needed him in other ways.

The kids didn't do anything wrong. They just grew into teenagers. And instead of WH adapting like the rest of us parents do, he took that as another "justification" to leave his old life for a new one.

Same for our marriage. It's not the same as when we started dating at 15. Our relationship changed. It grew up. It wasn't as much fun as when we were younger. I admit it. But instead of WH adapting like couples do, he took that as an excuse to find someone else -- someone younger.

I guess he got bored with his life and with me and the kids. And instead of accepting this bordom or doing something to revitalize these relationships, he bailed. He exited. He gave up. He moved on.

I didn't do anything wrong.

OK-- trying to fill out DS's college financial aide form and needed numbers. Asked IM to check with WH.

Also looked for DS's savings account information. Found out that over half of account is missing. WH withdrew it. So I sent several text messages to get to the bottom of it.

Here are my 6 text messages followed by WH's responses:

1) Did u put back the $XXXX you took out of DS's account?
2) Why not back in acct? And wheres the other money?
3) Want to move all kids money out of that bank.
4) Because I don't trust you. We're at different tables.
5) Its the kids money I brought up. Our money is another story.
6) WE matched half of it. It was a communal expenditure.

Now, here's WH's text messages:
1) Yes, money I loaned to John [a friend] and he paid back. Did not put back in account. Put in joint account. Why?
2) Because there r better reasons not to keep in trust account. I also loaned John $XXXX in December to be paid back this month. Nothing funny going on. I got ur response. We will need to discuss. Also faxed info to IM regarding aid info u wanted.
3) Why
4) OK. We need to get into court. Keep thinking small and make something where nothing exists and we can let the judge decide what u end up with.
5) I'm not going to steal the kids money especially since I matched half of it.

OK -- I asked where DS's money was. And WH's tone escalated with each text.

Any advice besides not trying to talk ANY finances with him? I tried to stay dark but these forms need to be completed. And WH is shifting/hiding/loaning/spending/gambling (pick whichever)our money and NOW DS's money.

He filed, I responded. Now do I play offense or defense?

HH, I am concerned about your H's financial situation, he is really out of control with money and taking it where he can find it. Like my H, who is an alcoholic and is addicted to both drink and the OW; your H is addicted to the gambling and the OW.

Was your H starting to gamble heavily and then found the OW or found the OW and started to gamble? Since Ow seems to condone his gambling (lots of trips to Vegas), it is another way to pull him away.

Go to the bank, move the kids money out of there before he goes and takes it. Go to a different bank put the money in your kids and your name ONLY. H is raping and pilaging everything you both worked for. Maybe go to atty and get temporary papers for the financial part. I think H is in deep and that is why he is avoiding his family. I think he is crashing with the debt and feeling guilty. You have to protect your family. He is incapable.

Right you are, Hope.

His anger at a simple request leads me to believe that something much bigger is below the surface. He's reacting like a caged animal. And if he thinks this financial stuff will be swept under the rug, he has another thing coming.

As for moving the kids money, I may not be able to get to it. He has it in an account with him as the trustee. So he may be the only one able to close the account. I need to keep pushing him or wait and get a court order.

Orrrrrr..... tell the kids about it and let them go after their dad for raiding their money! [I'd love to do this but it would hurt the kids more than WH since WH's still boycotting the kids and all parenting responsibilities.]

Remember -- WH's a banker. He knows the "tricks of the trade." I've had some friends criticize me for not keeping an eye on my finances. But I compare it to having a husband who's a plumber by trade. You don't fix the pipes, he does because that's his area of expertise. So my WH is a finance guy, and for the past 23 years he's done the banking and bill paying and kept us out of debt.

Now he's out of control and playing dirty. He's stooping to lows even I thought he couldn't go to. He's not just an alien, he's an alien with a deathwish.

And maybe he's covering for a huge gambling debt. More than likely, though, he's hiding the high cost of the A and the debt he racked up trying to impress POSOW while supporting two families.