Hi all new here. Been lurking for a few days and wanted to get some advice. I will try to be brief and list q's at end.

me bw 33, wh 33, married 6.5 yrs, together almost 9.

Suspected affair after we had moved 2500 miles across country to OR from IL when H came home from trip at end of August and gave me the ILYBNILWY speech.

Which coincided with me telling him that I was finally pg after 7 years of trying.

Sd he would try including counseling, just pretended and avoided me for month. Always had excuses, and just kept blaming me for our problems and his unhappiness.

Got his phone bill- which made it pretty obvious, but he still denied it. Made me think I was crazy etc... the standard drill.

I made him move out at end of OCT- had not discovered MB at that time.

Sought counsel and was in very deep shock for a few months. Had to make legal decision to leave OR for child custody issues.

His phone synced with our comp on Christmas eve, and I got all the proof. Email, pics, hotel, airline, bank statements but he still to this day denies being with her.

Confronted her- she lied.

Moved back with parents in MI.

He has not checked on me or the baby except for 2 half hearted attempts- even when we ended up in the hospital.

Have gone dark, nc/pp whatever you want to call it. But did not send official letter stating intentions or goals. Having a hard time writing it since I am afraid it is too late and won't have any effect other than looking weak and desperate.

I exposed to his mother, she is ok with what he is doing, his aunt and uncle who want nothing to do with this. His friends who have not responded to my plea. And to their mutual coworkers from his previous place of employment and her current employment. Other than that there is no one else. My family and friends all know but it makes no diff since we are so far apart.

OW broke up with her BF at end of NOV. So no one tell there.
OW is in IL and they have to fly back and forth to see eachother-

Questions:

Is it too late to tell her parents? Would it do any good?

Should I still send plan b letter or is it too late. We are 2500 miles apart. The divorce process is started because it was the only way to make him pay financial support.



Why does he deny being with this woman? It will not effect the divorce as it is a no fault state. He still says he loves me but can't be with me our problems are not fixable etc..

I found this site way to late to effectively work plan A- so now what?

When does D-Day start the day I got the phone bill- the day he moved out- the day I got the rest of the info- the day I exposed?
I ask because I am trying to understand time frames here.

Any suggestions would be helpful. I am not 7 moths prg and every day closer to my childs birth without him is worse and worse.

I hear IL has tough legal support against adulterers, contact a lawyer and find out what she can be sued for!

IL allows for suit of Alienation of Affection. I plan on filing if indeed the divorce takes place. I also plan on filing a complaint with the American occupational therapy association, of which she is a member. Since my H is a doc and they met at the hospital and were working on a "research project" together.

But aside from these "revenge" tactics- I would really like some thoughts and advice as to how I might save my marriage. I would much rather put my focus and energy on rebuilding my family. But I will gladly take her down if need be. I will fight for my husband, the father of my child and marriage. And it won't be pretty!

But please please please, anyone tell me what should I do? How should I go about this? Like I said before - I found this site and these principals very late in the game but I am still holding out a sliver of hope- anyone? Ideas? Thoughts? I had posted some q's in my orig post about plan b letter, etc.. would really like some help.

Thanks so much!

No, it's not too late AND this is the only conceivable reason I can think of for him to maintain his wall of denial in the face of so much proof.

Perhaps OW has a facebook page or some other way for you to obtain an extensive list of her friends and extended family.

It can't hurt at this point to hurry along the ultimate demise of their fantasy relatioship. D-Day is the date you first discovered the affair. Affairs typically don't last for longer than 2 years from the date of exposure (when the secrecy ends and the affair is in the light of day, it crumbles...eventually)

Until then...sit back and Plan B. Focus on YOU and that baby. The more you TRY to effect a reconciliation, and get nothing in return, the less likely you'll be willing to reconcile should he ever come to his senses.

Plan B is both the beginning of YOUR personal recovery preceeding a final divorce and the maintaining of whatever feelings remain for this lost husband such that when he wakes up to what he's losing (wife and child) you MAY STILL be willing to consider reconciling.

So sorry for what's happening.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - as far as the divorce proceedings. You filed to make him pay up. If he's paying and you are content for now with such....AND...still hope to reconcile...then, delay, delay and delay the proceedings.

Thanks Mr W.- I will expose to her parents today and she does not have a face book page.

Sadly the only way to get him to pay is with the divorce so I can't really delay all that much. Right now he gives me a little money but not enough to move out of my parents, pay med bills, or prepare for our child. He like many other waywards has been abducted by aliens and replaced with a look alike who is evil, selfish, and entitled to a disgusting level.

Any one have thoughts about the plan b letter. I went dark on Jan 30 after a 5 hr very ugly phone call. N/c at all since then. Having a hard time with if I should send one or if it is just pointless, and pathetic looking at this point.

BUMP......

Can some of the Vet's chime in here with advice???

I think the standard Plan B letter is advisable.

He needs to know there is a path home and what that path entails. Strangely, many former waywards have reported holding on to Plan B letters for months pondering them. It's a life line out of hell.

Give him a life line as he remains your husband today, then put your thoughts of him aside awaiting his commitment to your terms of capitulation. Concentrate on yourself and that baby as if he's never gonna wakeup. If he does...you'll be relunctantly surprised. It's happended before but there are no guarantees.

IMO...wayward husbands with pregnant wives are about as low and miserable as they come. I wouldn't be shocked but I'd be surprised if he removes his head from his end.

Mr. Wondering

Well, I'm sure the affair will end, so just keep your hopes up.

What were the problems in the marriage that were so insurmountable?

By the way, no secret handshake, but sometimes posts get overlooked. In that case, post to yourself. I did a lot of that when I first came here.

And congrats on the coming baby!!!!

I agree with above advice.

Rarely do I recommend a pregnant woman Plan A. Too stressful.

Focus on your baby. After delivery, we can come up with a different plan.

By all means, tell your H's parents that their son is abandoning you and their grandchild.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!! Really. I have just felt so lost.

I am so torn about this, even I can't understand at times why I would want him to come back and try to work this out. But I do. I married a good, honest, decent, man. He just is no where to be found right now. And I know it was his responsibility to do the right thing- but holy crap did this woman work him over- really! She did just about everything but lay in front of him naked covered in chocolate! NOT KIDDING. And sadly my H is one of those men that dosn't realize someone is interested in him until they do just that. I know from experience. He is one of the those book smart/ street dumb people.

As far as problems- he claims it was my drinking and that we had a problem. But he never said a word about it. Never tried to get me help. And when I stopped completely because of the pregnancy he just said that he knew I would drink again. If my drinking was such a problem why wouldn't he make sure that I didn't do it during pregnancy? It is just bull.

That I didn't have a job- which is because he asked me to quit so that I could stay at home for the last 1.5 years to remodel our house, help him with his job search, be available for his interviews which required us to travel extensively, move us from IL to OR, sell our house and find new living arrangements out there. Which I did. Always with the intention of when we got to OR I would be able to work again. But even then he told me not to look for a job for two months so that we could spend that time together- which I did.

Finally that I spent to much money- each excuse is complete crap. We had no money to spend. It all went into the house. Which if we had made the money we thought we were going to 6 years ago when he bought it I would be a genius- now its my fault that the market tanked (he actually implied this).

So these are the "insurmountable problems" funny because I said the exact same phrase to him and he gave me the revisionist history of our lives together, basically telling me I was lazy, gold digging, alcoholic slob. But the last 9 years have been some of the best of his life and he does love but not in love with me.
WTF?!?!?

I am really trying to focus on me and the baby- but it has been hard since I can't work due to health issues. Pretty much had a nervous breakdown, ended up in the hosp. He won't give me enough money to move out of my parents house, pay bills, etc.. meanwhile he just spent another week in Vegas with the #@$!@.

Thanks again for listening and any advice.

Pep,
I told his mother- she thinks the sun shines out of his a$$ and can do no wrong, and does not want to alienate anyone including the OW. And she also believes his bs about why he left me, but I am good enough to be a mother to his child. She is an enabler in every sense of the word. His father passed when hew as 16. No male role model since.

Thanks for reading.

Keep a journal of all the FAMILY expenses (your food, clothing, shelter, medications, etc) and all the non family money blown on HoBag ... trust me, you will be glad you kept a record.

Sounds like you need to go to a 12-Step program so that you can be prepared not to drink after baby is here.

And you need to insist on child support. Your child deserves it.

Whatever you do for work, you can brush up on those skills while you are not working. That way, you can show him you will work, and besides, your child will need more than he pays for support.

What else do you know about the OW?

I don't have a drinking problem. It was just what he said. Really, I have seen a counselor and everything. Believe me when he said those things to me I took a hard look at myself and asked alot of questions and did a lot of soul searching on what I did wrong. If I had a problem I would have gladly checked into rehab or whatever I needed to do to fix myself and my marriage.

Although it has been suggested that maybe it is his problem and that he is projecting it onto me. A few other examples of his fog speak, are that he thought I spent his money on drugs, gambling or just hiding it. We had direct deposit on the acct, and we both had access to all info online. Every penny we ever made is accounted for. He just wants to blame me. And if he thought I was on drugs, you would think as a dr he would know what the signs were. As well as drinking. Perspective- He is a lung DR who chain smokes and whose father died of asphogial cancer. He is just really messed up right now.

As far as job skills, I gave up law school because as a young doc in training we had to move for residency and fellowship which never allowed me to be in a place long enough to take care of my stuff. But I am now in the process of applying for fall or winter of next year. But the in between time is the killer. With the baby on the way I am limited. I have plenty of job skills and experience. But they were jobs not careers because our team plan was to get him where is then I got to focus on me. So with our without him that is what I am doing.

As far as the showing him I will work. When we met I had 4 jobs, I was never not employed while with him unless I was a full time student and even then always picked up temp work. I only left work after he literally badgered me for months- he even did it in front of my parents saying that my time was better spent focusing on him and getting us where we needed to be.

I guess this is why this is so hard for me. I thought we were a team and that part of that meant sometimes you compromised or sacrificed individual happiness for the team goals. So I did. and now he says he dosn't respect me and he has left me in such a crappy position.

As far as the OW, she is 30, an Occupational Therapist who was working with him on a research project at the last hospital he was at. She was in a LTR of 8 years but her BF wouldn't marry her when she gave him the ultimatum. She waited to break up with him until 1 week after my H moved out of our house 11/08, but had been involved with my husband since 04/08.
When I confronted her she lied- as expected said she only seen my H once since we moved to OR and that she was not involved with him and was not in love with him. By that time they had seen eachother 6 times since we had moved which was 7/08. Other than not not sure. I did expose her at her job since that is where is started and the medical community is REALLY small.

What do H's parents have to say about you and baby being abandoned?

B0B

Im so sorry you are here and for your pain.

You are in the fight of your life, for your M and your child. As such, Id say all bets are off and do what you need to do.

Send Plan B letter, and then go DARK. VERY DARK. Do you have someone that can act as an intermediary? That could tell your H when the baby arrives and act as a communication conduit?

I disagree that reporting the OW to the board is a "revenge" tactic. Id say more of a "guerilla" tactic and since she has declared war on you, then fight back.

Do you have a plan B letter drafted?

I would say that exposing to the OW's parents is an excellent idea.

Then, Plan B and DARK

Okay, just checking. Often the WS rewrites the history of the marriage, but I always caution people to work on any complaints that came BEFORE the affair.

Thanks JK, I really like that- guerrilla tactic, has a nice ring to it.

I haven't drafted a letter yet as I have been really on the fence about it since we haven't had contact in almost a month now. I am worried that I will look weak in that I already told him in person I wouldn't have anything to do with him and that I would move on with my life since he didn't want me or the baby. And also he told me that he dosn't respect me or the person that I have become.

Now I know some of that is fog speak but, I think there are nuggets in truth in there. So I worry that sending a letter telling him how much I love him and am willing to work on it if he is how much of a spineless jellyfish I will end up looking like. How can he respect that? I am having a hard time respecting myself for doing it. I have had all those thoughts about what a creatin he is, how low and despicable etc...

But I didn't find this site or these addiction principals until very recently, so I am struggling to go backwards and try to fix things- hence my title.

It has been 5 mo's since he ended it, 4 mo's since he moved out of our house, 3.5 mo's since I have seen his face, and 2 months since I got the undeniable truth in the form of pics etc... For the most part I don't remember much of what has happened to me over the last 5 months, it's like I shut off and went into auto pilot. It still hard to believe I am pregnant, everything is just so surreal. But now that I am coming around all I know is that not being with him just feels wrong in every molecule of my body.
That the man I married has got to be there somewhere. So I will swallow my pride and try to write a letter to him not the alien possessing his body.

Pep,
His mom dosn't see it that way. She just sees that her baby said he wasn't happy (out of the blue) so it must have been my fault, and now the OW makes him happy. He didn't abandon me or the baby- because we are safe with my family now and of course he will be a good father (from 2500 miles away) and of course he will pay CS (only after the court orders it). She is delusional, she seriously thinks that he didn't cheat, that this is my fault, and that he is just friends with this woman.

This is even after I told her that the 6k he borrowed from her and then told her he couldn't pay back because of me he spent on vacationing with the OW. I even told her that I have the bank statements to prove it. And that the bank statements are from a secret acct he opened while we were still together. She refuses to believe he would do anything like that.

Like I said the ultimate enabler.