Ah the joys of parenting and the adventures that G-d puts in our lives to be good stewards of his children. You are just an amazing mom, ladybugs is lucky to have you. I wonder if you are smiling thinking you are lucky to have her. Well you are.

Double score.....

Hi Bugs,

I also enjoy reading your updates...

I hope one day I will be able to view WS as you do Drac....so that I can 'exchange' on things that need to be.

Thanks.

Hey Bugs,

Doing a few quick drive-bys tonight while chaibaby is swinging. Glad you are doing well. I too hope that I can get to the same point with my WH that you are at with Drac. I admire you.

Hello ladies!

Thanks for stopping by to say hi! I was thinking about what you said,,,how I'm able to deal with Drac 'as needed'. Yes, I'm getting better at it,,,and I was wondering to myself WHY & HOW has that happened.

Of course, the first reason is the mere passage of time (naturally). I realized the second reason yesterday. We've talked here for monthw & monthw, time & time again about what an idiot Drac is/can be at times. I think I finally REALLY see him that way! FINALLY.

It all came together yesterday beginning with a phone call from Drac in the early afternoon. I let Ladybugs answer, as I always do when I have the kids. Most of the time if it's something simple, I don't have to talk to him myself. Things like a pick up change, etc.

Well, he asked to talk to me. Seems he had a message on his phone (as he wasn't home all weekend). It was from friends of DSS. They said that DSS had been at his friend S's house, went on his computer, viewed porn sites, the computer crashed & DSS owes him a new one.

You regulars around here know that this is one of several incidents with DSS in this regard over the last year. Plus we just had the incident recently with Ladybugs getting her hands on some inappropriate material! I've tried several times to talk to Drac about it to get him to deal with it, but to no avail.

Well, there was no avoiding it for him this time. He had to go over to S's house and speak with S's parents about it. Drac explained all of what happened to me.

DSS uses my computer here, but I always check every site he visits. DSS knows this and hadn't violated it. I had just checked early yesterday morning but while on the phone with Drac I checked again & found inappropriate stuff. I told Drac what I found, so he then says, "I think I should come over and we BOTH sit down and talk to DSS."

Now, you also know that Drac has NEVER been in my home. He's not invited. I tried to turn it around to have the talk at Drac's house, but it ended up that I agreed to do it here as he could then see what was on my computer as well.

Drac came in looking a bit nervous. I was totally calm. Of course, I don't have to mention that my house was perfect & I was in appropriate Goddess form! haha!

So, we sat down & talked to DSS. Of course, he didn't want to say what it was he'd done. We insisted upon it. I was very calm and spoke softly in a soothing tone. Drac was impatient & started to get angry. I am totally embarassed to say that Drac stood up at one point & took off his belt,,,threatening to spank DSS with it. He's done it before. I told himm " NO!! Don't do that!!" I was prepared to get in between them if I'd had to.

Luckily, Drac backed down. He also calmed down. Frankly, it was strange that Drac looked to me for the most part to lead the entire conversation,,,,speaking only when I looked to him. I'd give him a nod to encourage him to talk,,otherwise he let me do the talking. I think it helped him as much as it helped DSS get through it.

So, we did get most of the story out of DSS. DSS told us that he knows it's wrong, but he "can't help himself." He wanted to claim that he is addicted to it,,,that as long as he doesn't have access to it, then it's ok.

Eventually, I had DSS go to his room so that Drac & I could talk.

Lordy, it would take pages to share everything Drac told me. I'll shorten it down to say that Drac & DSS have issues that need to be dealt with. He has issues with DSS to a point that doesn't happen with me & DSS. I told him that the issues he is having don't happen that way when DSS is with me. DSS is disrespectful and lazy. He has very compulsive habits at Drac's and is actions are often very unhealthy. It's hard to explain here, but I am VERY concerned.

Drac also has concerns with another friend that DSS & S both seem to 'worship',,,,,and that it's as if DSS is 'infatuated' with this boy. I told him flat out that if he suspects things like what he said he suspects, we have to get DSS into counseling right NOW!! Thank God, he agreed.

Drac also shared that when DSS goes home to him after weekends with me, he gives Drac the impression that he is miserable here. Drac admitted that it sounds like DSS is 'playing' him on that. I told him that he most certainly is, as he definitely enjoys himself while we are together. Sure, we have our 'moments', as I am his parent.... I discipline him, I make him do things he doesn't want to,,,but it doesn't ruin our time together. I further explained that Drac should understand that DSS most likely does that so as to not upset Drac. He doesn't want Drac to believe he is being disloyal to him by telling him what a good time he has with me. DSS DOES talk to me about things, but I don't have enough face to face interaction with him.

I also explained to Drac that DSS is LONELY. He needs interaction wit other kids and with DRAC! He spends too much time alone. Drac's reply is that DSS doesn't want to do ANYTHING. He doesn't even spend time with or want to spend time with DRAC. He basically had a "I have no idea what to do" response.

Drac even said at one point, "I can't believe he's already at the point where he can't talk to us.".

I wanted to say so badly that it's as much as about US, how we handle it as it is about THEM,,,,but he'd take that as a DJ. I also wanted to scream at Drac that you have to be HOME & spend time with him for him to be able to talk to YOU!!

So, I explained that DSS needs someone to talk to, and that 'we' could use help in understanding & dealing with DSS. Frankly, what I really hope for is that DRAC gets the help HE needs to be a better parent!! HE needs someone to explain to him that DSS MUST come FIRST and everything else second. Drac won't hear it if I try to tell him that,,,,,,,,,,,I've tried in the past but all Drac hears is a DJ from me about his life. So, this time I didn't bother.

Bottomline, it was agreed that DSS and 'we' would get into counseling. DSS will have input on the who/what/when/where/how of it all, too. It's not a punishment, but a way to help him understand why he does things and to help him with getting better tools for dealing with things. I explained that we ALL need help from time to time.

I also told DSS, that I wanted to bring up something while the 3 of us were together. I told him that I understood that Drac was of the impression after DSS goes home from his weekends with me that DSS is very unhappy with being here. DSS looked shocked & scared (again).

I told DSS, we don't have to discuss it right now. However, it does hurt me very much to hear that, as I believe we have a great time, a good relationship. IF DSS doesn't enjoy being with me or he doesn't want to be with me, then he needs to tell me.

I will give Drac a bit of credit. He did step in and add that we set things up for him to be with me for DSS's sake,,,that I've been 'more of a Mom to you than anyone'. And that it wouldn't upset him to know that DSS enjoys being with me. It's ok with him & it's what Drac wants.

So, I had DSS go to his room to get his things. I immediately called Ladybugs up from her room & told her to spend time with her Daddy before he had to leave. I exited the room. I went to DSS's room to give him a hug & tell him that I love him.

DSS finally was ready to leave. I went back to the room as the left. Got another hug from DSS. Drac turned to look at me as they left and said "Thank you". I replied with a "see ya'.

I have to run for now, but there's a small tidbit of follow up to this that I'll have to share later.

Quickly to wrap this up. I looked at Drac & didn't see my H. I didn't see or hear a man that I have the desire to spend the rest of my life with. I saw someone who is clueless as to how to run his life for the best benefit of his children,,,,and when things get beyond his ability to deal with them, he runs to the person he hurt worst in this world for help,,,me.

So many of the things that he listed as "wrong" with me when he left are the VERY reasons he was sitting in my living room yesterday needing my help.

Ironic.

And yet, he remains clueless to those facts. At least I 'think' he is clueless about them.

More later!!

Hi Bugs

When my YS was about DSS's age, he was at a friend's house who showed him an inappropriate website. YS told me about it and asked if I would get some filtering software so he wouldn't be tempted to look at it or others "because it would be too easy."

I use Besafe online. I can open up blocked sites if I want to and also have a weekly report sent to me on all internet activity.
It costs about $50 a year.

YS is nearly 17 and yes, he still has that same honorable streak in him.

Hope this helps

I also use B-safe. It works great. Another great feature is that it blocks ads on websites as well. I can go to ESPN and not see the Hooters ad. You can set it up so that anytime he goes to a blocked site you get an email. The program loads on the individual PC and needs a password to turn it off. http://www.bsafehome.com/

Thanks for that tip! I have also checked out a program/monitoring program my pastor recommended. I'll be installing one of them this week!!

Typically, as expected, nothing yesterday from Drac to follow up on what he said he was going to do for DSS! UGH!

As usual, he swoops in for my 'help' then leaves me hanging as to any follow up or sharing of information from there. Guess he didn't have 'time' yesterday? He certainly only had about 2 minutes to talk to Ladybugs last night because he was "at dinner" at 8 pm! Perfect! Your son is having issues, so the first night after that you leave him alone after school until 9 pm or later?! Nice, really nice!

He sent me paperwork to quit claim our vacation timeshare. He told me last week that he'd paid it off & needed me to sign to finish it up. What he forwarded me to sign was NOT showing it as paid off. So,,,,,,,,,,,I emailed back & asked him to provide the documentation to show me it was paid off.

His reply? "Oh, I wasn't able to pay it off, so I 'traded' properties. I had to sign the same paperwork as you are".

Hello??? There is a heck of a lot of difference between paid off and UPGRADED!! I have to look at it closer today. I don't care about any of it, except that my name is REMOVED and that I have no more financial obligation.

Typical wayward interpretation of the 'truth', isn't it?

I took the kids to a movie on Sat. and we didn't get out until after their 'usual' time to call Drac. I had them call as soon as we came out. Drac had left a vm, but I didn't listen to it until last night when another message had come in. He left a message for the kids, but then added nasty comments at the end for me, basically accusing me of keeping them from calling him!

WTF?

I was mad! So I sent him an email & told him that kind of thing was unnecessary and I spelled it all out for him. GRRR!! He is SO lucky I didn't listen to it on Saturday. How dare he leave that kind of message and then call me less than 24 hours later for my help!

He did reply last night and say he was sorry. Of course, it was because of 'his aggravation' of not getting to talk to the kids 2 nights in a row.

Like Foxx's ExWs forgetting about the financial bind he put her & the DD's in,,,,Drac conveniently forgets the days/nights he kept me from talking to the kids because they were with the HO! UGH!!!

It did feel good to lay it back on him & not really care if he didn't like it or not. I think that is an improvement on my part! I don't really care his 'reason', I don't have to take any crap from him EVER.

Well, time to shower and start a new day,,,,,,,,,,,,,lots to do at work. I have to take a last minute trip Thursday/Friday to talk to some folks at work about a new position!!! It sounds like it might be a great opportunity for me!

As I am waiting for some work to be done on my work computer, I have time for a quick post of things I missed previously.

I looked at the paperwork Drac sent,,,I'm not comfortable with signing it so I forwarded it to my attorney to review before I sign. We STILL have a case pending in the court of appeals,,,where Drac has taken me back over another piece of property that we owned & I was awarded in the D. I sold it and now he thinks he is entitled to 1/2.

I'll be darned if I'm signing something to give away my rights to this piece of property to help him out without my attorney's OK!! He's pushing to get this done before the end of the month,,,,as it's on some kind of 'special'. Well, it just might not happen. Too bad.

I'm not sure if I'm going to tell him that my attorney has to review it first or not. Anyone care to share their thought on that?

The thing is, if I don't get the ok before end of business tomorrow, it's not going to get done because I will be out of town until Friday night. I'll be darned if I'm going to spend my Saturday running around getting notarized signatures for his benefit.

Is that mean?

What I had wanted to post yesterday, but didn't have time to was about what Ladybug had to say after Drac was here Sunday.

I told her a few minutes before he arrived that he was coming over to get DDS early. I also told her that he'd be coming in the house because I needed to talk to him, but he wasn't here to tour the house or see her room. She was VERY good about it.

She asked what we needed to talk about. I told her it wasn't anything bad, we just needed to talk with DSS. She asked if I was mad at Drac. I said no. She asked if Drac was mad at me. Again, I told her no.

She was a very good girl while we were having our talk. She played in her room like I asked her to the entire time. After Drac & I finished, I told her to come up and visit with him for a minute before he had to leave.

After he left she asked again what we were talking about. I told her again that we just needed to talk to DSS. She then said, "Well, Mommy, I was EXCITED that Daddy was coming in and you were talking. I thought, "Mommy likes Daddy. Daddy likes Mommy. And that you are getting back together again."

Yet again, my heart broke for her when I had to gently tell her that no, that is not the case. We just had something to discuss, that's all, but it wasn't about us getting back together. We are not.

She said, "Well, when I call you, Daddy always asks me how you are doing!"

I explained to her that he asks that for HER benefit and he's just being polite. Of course, she disagreed with me. I didn't argue with her about it.

I know that she will always harbor some hope, deep inside, that we will get back together. I just try to be gentle, yet firm & consistant with her so that she isn't getting any of the wrong signals or impressions from me. Waywards suck!

Bugsy:

Wow. Just wow.

Can you see where Ladybugs went when she heard that "Daddy" was coming over?

The perception that the children have is always SO Different from what the reality is, sometimes.

Sorry you had to blow up her bubble. (((Ladybugs)))

Drac's response to your meeting about DSS is typical. "Bugsy, you handle it" because he went back to Dracmode.

That is SO WRONG to DSS.

I hope your new business opportunity works out.

LG

Wow, Bugsy! They are so typical of waywards, aren't they?

I'm so sorry for Ladybugs....but you handled it just perfectly. It is heartbreaking as a parent (a GOOD parent) to watch their hope ebb and flow.

You are an excellant mother to DSS and Ladybugs - even a fogged out Drac can't deny that. Forget Drac - DSS needs you. I am so proud of you for continuing to be his true mom.

I hope everything on the job front goes well for you. These can be challenging times, but opportunity is often born that way.

R sounds wonderful. Enjoy him.

Fox

As expected, still no word from Drac about anything further for DSS.

With the above exception, yesterday turned out to be a great day.

I emailed my A with the paperwork Drac sent me to sign. As expected, she advised not to sign it. My instinct was right, as it does not specifically state that I would no longer be financially liable,,,only that I give up any equity and interest.

Unless he gets me new & attorney approved paperwork today, this isnt' going to happen by his month end deadline. I leave tomorrow for my business/interview trip and won't be back until after business hours on Friday. Too bad - so sad! NOT!

I did send him an email yesterday morning that said

"Drac, Due to your still pending court case against me, I've forwarded these to my attorney to review to be sure they do not create an issue with that case. Once she confirms there is no issue with that & that there are no issues with these documents, I will sign and return to you."

No reply from him. My A is contacting his A. I don't know if he is aware of the situation ,,,,,yet.

But here is the best news!!




Yep!

I don't know if he know this yet either. If he does know both things, I'm thinking it was not such a great day for Drac.

The only downside to this is that as they chose not to argue this in the courtroom (they filed on briefs only), I was not allowed to raise the issue of attorney's fees. That kinda made me mad,,,,but I'm not going to complain about it much. I'm just thankful this is FINALLY over and it came out to my good!

Yes, it may take time, but justice CAN come in a small way sometimes!!

Congrats on your victory!
Its always nice when good triumphs over evil!

Bugs, you are doing great. I'd just like to see you hand over more garbage to him. When he tries to portray himself as "dad of the year" why don't you ever question him about all his dinners out? Or just offer to have DSS at your house in the evenings so homework and activities can be supervised.

I'd say the interest in porn is pretty normal for a boy that age. And for a boy that age that is accustomed to being unsupervised, I'm sure he didn't think twice about getting busted by his friends parents. I suspect he gets away with it at Drac's house. So the next step is to get away with it elsewhere.

There are far more lessons for Drac to learn on parenting. Its a damn shame that DSS is the test case.

Hooray for you, Bugs!

You are one smart lady. Thank you for all you have done for me.

Fox

Hi Bugs,

Thanks for sharing your ups and downs in dealing with...LIFE!

I am also slowly having more contact with WS....directly and indirectly...so, I am having a lot of occasions to BREATHE deeply, at least that's how I approach it...so, that's a good thing, right?

Waywards!

Wow, Bugs, you are dealing with a lot here lately and doing a fabulous job I have to say!

I am trying to keep my head up and shoulders back myself!

Phenomenal job!

Lexxy,,,,good to see you around a bit again! Thanks for stopping by! You, too, Rin!!

Thanks Luna, Foxx, too!

I was outta town on business the last 2 days, so am trying to catch up with everyone this morning. I had PLANNED on sleeping in, and as you can tell from the time of my posts today, THAT didn't work out so well!

I'm glad to have the time to spend here with the Amigos! Ladybugs is at a friend's house and DSS will be doing his usual sleeping in so I'm not really pressed for time.

I did get numerous calls & emails the last 2 days from the property company and a couple from my A,,,,seems Drac & the property folks were EXTREMELY anxious for me to sign this paperwork for them before the end of today. I didn't really give it 2 thoughts, as I was busy with a 4 hour 'interview' yesterday.

I finally started looking at things when I got to the airport. My A had emailed me saying she'd gotten several calls & emails asking what I planned to do. It made me chuckle. In the not too distant past,, it would have caused me STRESS! I'm not sure WHY the change, but I was thankful for it. Foxx,,,,I think this is part of that feeling to DO something, to FIX something, to take care of THINGS for them - - - which has finally started to pass for me!!

So,,,I had decided that if it were CONVENIENT for ME, I'd take care of the paperwork for Drac today. It turns out that it was the perfect decision. They are sending a notary to my house later this morning to take care of it all. Nothing for me to do but sign. Gotta love that!

Of course, ALL of this communication came via 3rd parties. I have a feeling Drac is now aware of his court loss & is likely not of the mood or ability to ask me NICELY for a favor! ha! This will actually be good for me, as when it is complete, the last of our 'financial' bond will be broken once and for all.

Did I mention that I'd emailed Drac Wed asking for an update on the counseling for DSS? His reply was that he'd contacted the dept at work that helps arrange this stuff (6 free sessions) and that there were over 50 providers in his town. They were to narrow the list down to 15 and get back to him.

He actually said that his plans was to "contact you, Bugs, and discuss the options".

Ok,,, who here BELIEVES that? One part of me says NO WAY. Another part says, yes it's probably true,,,,,because apparently this is something for BUGS to take care of for him.

Either way, it's not surprising that I've received all kinds of communication about the property paperwork, but NO update about DSS. :twobyfour:

I called DSS from the airport to let him know I was on the way to pick him up. He was very anxious to talk to me. He talked a lot on the phone and then asked if I was getting him first before picking up Ladybugs,,,because he had something he wanted to talk about. I told him we'd have time alone.

He wanted to talk to me about some extreme anger he'd been experiencing this week. I was so PROUD of him. He's had some challenges with anger in the past, but never wanted to really talk about it. He did a great deal of the talking and it went really well. I told him how proud I am of him in sharing this,,, I encouraged him about counseling,,I shared my PERSONAL experience/pain/success with counseling,,,and ended with letting him know how much I think he has started to mature.

It also made me even MORE keenly aware of his loneliness,,,and of his need for ME in his life. It made me sad, as this obviously wasn't a conversation he felt he could have with Drac. And we are stuck with the Clueless, Selfish Drac.

I've considered how to share this with Drac,,,,,,,,,,,but haven't come to any conclusion of IF or HOW to do it.

Anyone's thoughts on that would be greatly appreciated!

Well, it's about shower time. I have papers to sign. Then I'm taking the kids to see Drac's Aunt who is in the nursing home. She called me 2x this week and is very excited that we are coming. She even asked ME to bring her some things! So much for Drac's thought that I am no longer 'family'! ha!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Could you talk to your "waste management" connections and have Drac rubbed out? Or severely beaten, perhaps? A couple of months in traction, or maybe a coma?

Seriously, how much does dealing with this moron take out of you, Bugs? You sound fabulous, but I have to wonder whether there's a big cost associated with it.

Just as waywards suck, dealing with waywards sucks the life out of you. I don't know what the answer is, of course. Just commiserating.

Hi Bugs,

Unfortunately, they are clueless and it's because they are clueless that they are so selfish.

Is it something that HAS to be shared with Drac or could you just keep checking in with DS and maybe help DS learn to speak to his dad about said things.

I'm wondering if that just wouldn't be the healthiest for him to learn how to talk on difficult subjects with people that he has a hard time with. Of course it wouldn't be happening tomorrow, but then having you in his life gives him the opportunity to role model or role play how to talk to his dad.

Just a thought....

SDGUY!!!

I was very happy to see some posts from you, as I've been wondering how YOU are doing?!?


It's SO funny that you say this. Back when the truth about what Drac was doing came out, some of my 'guys' came to me and offered the services of the "Trash Mafia" to "take care of" my "problem" for me!

Maybe I should have given it more consideration!

Seriously, I haven't been thinking that this interaction was much of a big deal. I haven't been thinking a whole lot about Drac, and not even having any dreams about it as I have in the past.

Yet, I HAVE had severe problems in my right shoulder and neck. I was at the chiropractor last night & we were talking about my emotional well being. It got me to wondering if perhaps this has effected me more than I realized?

Yet, when you add up the 'super secret' job interview and things at work, along with the fact that it's 2 weeks since I've seen R, those things alone could account for the physical aspects of my tension?!???

Queenie, those are the questions I've been asking myself. In fact, it's kind of the routine I've done in my head since all of this started, but especially when I was in a strict Plan B.

For now, I'm not going to mention it to Drac. I think I'll discuss with DSS,,,,,,both about the continued subject at hand, but also on the issue of to share or not to share with Drac. DSS would be the one to reap whatever Drac says/does as a result of having this information, and he's getting to the age where he should have more input on what/how much is shared with Drac.


Well, hopefully the tension will be easing up now. I was offered the new job 'on the spot' last Friday and I have accepted. Now, of course, I will be doing BOTH my 'old' and 'new' job at the same time for a while,,,,,,but I'm trying to look at that as a fun, new challenge.

Seriously, the new job WILL be a challenge, and I think it's something that I NEED right now in my life. Time for something new. I've been doing the 'same thing' more or less for almost 5 years and have been feeling in a rut.

Even better, I'm headed to see R on Friday. I know we both are ready for that!

Ladybug was sick all weekend & a trip to the dr yesterday morning told us she has strep throat. She is home again today. I hope she can go back tomorrow, but that's up to Drac to handle. I'm letting him have her tonight to 'make up' for a night that he missed a couple of weeks ago.

I emailed Drac about it. His reply included a comment about how he was "on the phone with X about DSS,,,,this is my 4th call". Yea, whatever.

I have a 'meeting' tonight. I am on the board for a pretty big MS Fund Raising event. A friend of mine is organizing it. My mom has MS, so this is very personal for me and something I've never done. I don't have a lot of 'friends' who have the kind of money to burn that we are talking about for this event, but I am meeting a whole new group of people and it's been good so far.

Tomorrow is a quick day trip for work. Busy Busy Busy.

Can I have those services rendered down here?


just think I wouldn't have to be concerned with CS, I would get Social security!

So, happy that you are getting to see "R"...can I ask how often it is that you guys talk? I ask because I'm trying to be okay with the slower process of an R...not one where you talk everyday, all day long, etc...