I'd like to take the time to remind you that there is NO PLAN C in MB.

Get someone else to tell him that you are sticking to the agreed upon visitation.

Based on past performance, I don't think you can relay this information to him, as you have seen before that if you see him face-to-face you will relent and give him what he wants to the detriment of your children.

Get an intermediary NOW.

KR - BF had it right here and no plan A or plan B will work in my situation.

I called WIRE and they have given me numbers of councellors in my area etc. There is a long way to go but what I did and said to WH was correct.

He now knows that I have set a boundary for visitation and that my time outside of "our" time is mine. It is a huge leap forward for me to not go back on my word.

I have spoken with WH since and he has not asked or pushed anything about tonight. He knows that I have not done anything wrong and he is respecting my boundary.

KR - I have tried an IM but it didn't work out at that stage. I would like to get there again but I am actually really proud of myself for standing up to my controlling WH. It is important that he sees me as assertive and strong instead of being able to push me around as someone he knows as submissive. An IM will cut the crap from my ears, but it wont show me in a different light, it will just be someone to hide behind and I will look more weak.

The WIRE group suggested a mediator/third party to arrange visitation so that he cannot dominate discussions. Again, I have set the visitation schedule and he agreed and so far he has only attempted to breach it, not gone through with it.

This is just the beginning, but I will get it right.

My apologies, I should have clarified.

Do not say Plan C. Do not say Plan anything.

Using an IM would be perfect. He cannot manipulate you through an IM. That would be the best possible thing for you right now.

That does not show you as weak.

Not to my WH...

He views access to me as his control and whilst he has access, (even without control) he is calm and rational about 70-90% of the time.

Without access, he is calm and rational about 7-9% of the time.

I have called the police each time after 3 days NC and contact through an IM. Usually when he is banging the door down and barging through the house.

I don't want to endanger my family again.

Then have his sorry a$$ hauled into jail for breaking and entering! WTH!

Why? Seriously. Why? What possible reason can you give for that? Because all that means is that you will have to KEEP making things mellow for him, to keep him from being mad at you, for the rest of your life.

Is that a marriage? No. It's an abusive, controlling, demanding, self-absorbed man who keeps his wife around (and women in the wings) because it suits him.

meh

That's why you change the locks on the doors. No cop in his right mind would dare question a battered woman--because that is what you are--changing the locks on her door.

IMs are lifesavers and so are changed locks.

And if he breaks in you call the cops.

You need to understand more about the modus vivendi of his abuse, The way it works is very subtle and devious .For instance today he threw a tantrum ostensibly because he wanted access to the children when you had made other arrangements.

The tantrum was actually about the fact that he had been unable to have his own way regarding the car deal. it would have been counterproductive for him to have a hissy fit in front of the buyers and he probably played Mr Nice Guy with them ,

He then released his frustration on you by finding some other issue which he knew full well would upset you, Thus offloading his anger and frustration onto you, In effect he was punishing you for allowing such a thing to occur. In other words he tried to make you responsible for something over which you had absolutely no control Totally unfair, irrational and immature.

This routine was a favourite trick of my H and I used to fall for it and react every time.Often they time it to surprise you and the tantrum comes out of the blue when you least expect it or it comes when you are tired and emotional about some problem of your own

.Eventually I confronted my H when he tried the same trick for the millionth time.I said" its not about XYZ its more likely about something that went wrong at work" .He seemed to stop in his tracks and there was a brief flicker of realisation which passed across his face I think there was a faint sign that he might be getting it

I would thoroughly recommend a book called Stalking the Soul by Marie- France Hirigoyen she is a victimologist working in France it is amazing how similar the behaviours are regardless of difference in culture

GOOD LUCK think you are starting to get it
Whereas I think he doesnt get it that he doesnt get it
He has a very long way to go

Thanks Myopia - your post was insightful and spot on.

He kept up with the tantrum over the weekend too.

Friday night, my family came over and we had an awesome night.

Kids called WH to say goodnight an hour after he was due to ring them.

Saturday he arrived as scheduled at 11:30am. Did not come in to house to collect us, we went into garage and went to swimming.

I felt afraid sitting next to him, not knowing where his mood would take him.

He was ok with the kids, but cold towards me.

Went swimming and left, all ok. Went to friends birthday party at their house at 3pm.

Stopped in and picked up takeaway coffee on the way.

Sat on opposite sides of the circle but had an awesome day. Kids absolutely loved it and WH and I had a few old time moments when we shared stories and completed our own bits and laughed etc.

Went all day, got home with sleeping kids at 9pm. He asked if I was leaving, I said yes and went to mum and dad's and turned my phone off. He tried to argue with me as I was leaving and told me I had sent him a horrible heartless message on Friday...

"We are separated so I made plans on a night when you didn't have arrangements with the kids. You could have asked me anytime but you waited until I said I had plans and then got mad. We're not waiting for you to have spare time to spend with us. That's not fair at all. The kids deserve a schedule too."

I know I was ok until the bit about spending spare time with us. But, it's true. I can't help it if it's not working out with OW and he now has Friday's free.

I didn't give him an argument. I calmly said that I was sorry if my message offended him and if I had been disrespectful at all. Good night.

There you go again apologizing for his PERCEPTION of what you said.

You MUST get out of that habit!

Anyway, I went home at 9am on Sunday morning and got the kids ready for the birthday party at 11:30am. I asked him what his plans were and he said he'd wait to spend time with the kids.

He asks me where I spent the night. My IC tells me it’s about him controlling me and not to give as much info so I calmly and quietly say, why is that?

He didn’t say anything to me after that.

He put the kids in the car and was grumpy at me still.

I didn't give him an argument then either.

I met a lady at the party who teaches at the kids daycare centre. I haven't ever spoken to her apart from pleasantries but her WH had a A one year ago, still contact, she sold house, moved into a rental with kids and now he has moved back in with her because he can't afford it. I gave her the MB website details and will catch up with her soon and offer support where I can. Her self esteem is really low and she is in the cycle of hate and despair.

We got home and I put DS to bed and DD played for a bit. WH wanted to watch Fireproof, said he had heard a great review and wanted to see it. I put it on and a H and W are arguing and he is demanding respect and she says if you want respect then start giving me some etc. She asks out of the marriage. They all complain to their friends and H talks to his dad. His dad says marriage takes hard work and your mum and I got it right. We turned to the Lord and did x for 40 days and it changed our life and will you do x and not make a decision for 40 days<

WH asked me to turn it off. Apparently it was not the movie he had hoped for.

Thank you God!!! You work in mysterious ways

So, WH becomes very sullen and gets on his laptop. Kids are up, I make pizza and WH eats too. But is grumpy still.

I say I'm taking kids for a walk to feed the ducks. DD asks WH to come. He said no, your mum is going with you. I say I can stay home so he bolts up and takes them out for 40 minutes.

I read a funny book.

They come home.

LOL - WH is not happy with me laughing out loud, at a book!

He asks DD to take him the book. Smirks and puts it down. It's called How To Be Good and he briefly read the cover. Hehe.

He puts the D papers on the bench and says i don't know what you want me to do with them. I said I don't want a D, I signed them because you asked for them.

Anyway, I get kids ready for bed. WH has last cuddles and I tuck them in. He just sits on the couch but I just float about happily and purposefully.

I come out and clean the kitchen. He puts his shoes on and sits back down. I sit down after about 5 minutes and he says "I'm going to go because the kids are in bed now". I say ok.

He gets his stuff, I say thanks for coming to see the kids, he says "don't thank me, they're my kids, you can't tell me what to do or when to see them".

I say nothing.

He leaves.

Comes back, says he will get the BMW on Wed. I say ok.

He leaves.

He comes back, but only to the garage. I panic and feel scared - get my phone out ready to call the neighbour and stay in the lounge out of the way. Turns out he just swaps cars and leaves.

I turn off my phone.

He sends 3 messages over 1 hour:

"I read your message again and then it dawned on me that you were driving my car. Why should I do you any favours when you talk to me with your acid tongue. You’re a complete and utter b-i-t-c-h BS and have always treated me like a bad child since I married you. You’ve got the papers now. Lodge them Devil".

“A good indication of how completely f-ed up you are is your answer to my question today “where’d you stay last night” because it crossed my mind that you slept in the car and I was worried. “Why is that” you said. Stupid b-i-t-c-h that you are along with insensitive. PS. I see that you still haven’t followed your counselors advice and made it clear what you wanted. Yet you can preach to me about my issues, You’ll go to Hell for your treatment of me”.

“I don’t want you coming to my work unannounced anymore and I don’t want you coming to my Expo. I want to see my kids on Tuesday nights after work, Thursday nights after work and pick them up for Saturday swimming and then sleep over until they have had their dinner on Sunday’s. This is for every week starting this one unless I am booked to work.”

Are you surprised? I'm not. More of the same. Abuse. That you keep letting him get away with.

I could tell you to get some help from a domestic abuse center and GET THAT EVIL OUT OF YOUR LIFE but you won't.

Guess, we'll just have to wait for the trainwreck.

Sorry if this is harsh, but it's painful watching this.

I'm with PM-I am so worried about you.

I have to leave work.

He's been calling non-stop and abusing me and whoever answers.

Caleld my mum and told her I was a s-l-u-t and a b-i-t-c-h and she hung up.

Abusive text messages to my dad and sister at the moment, could be more.

Called my receptionist to make sure I was here so he could serve divorce papers.

I am scared and I am going to WIRE. A womens help centre.

I am leaving now.

Please pray for me and my kids and my WH.

Please let us know what's going on...

Praying for you and your family's safety...

Please let us know if you're ok!

Yes, we're safe. Thank you for your prayers.

I read about the hedging prayer yesterday and have my friends praying it for WH but also as protection for me and kids.

I spoke with my female boss as I was leaving yesterday and she is wonderful and supportive. I am very lucky. She even offered me a place to stay.

She also said if WH continued with his harrassing calls to my work or if he turned up, he would be up against the corporation and they would do what was neccessary...

Actually, he stopped calling at 2pm. My phone had been off but he'd tried all other avenues to contact me, including sending a text message to my sister and father saying I was having a sexual affair whilst still married. It mirrored the messages that he sent on 26.12.08 and I know it was to send me in to a panic.

I took 3 of his calls from work. Each time I was calm and calmly asked him to stop calling/swearing and hung up.

I went to the drop in centre for women in the city and they were understanding but completely useless to me. I grabbed brochures on my way out and burst in to tears. Reaching out for help is so hard, but not getting it is like a slap in the face.

I called a number from the brochures and spoke with Helen. She was amazing and spent over 45 minutes with me listening and offering advice. She said she could hear the fear in my voice and understood why I felt that way.

She said WH sounds very scared and afraid and lost and confused and he is getting desperate. She said from her perspective, his challenge for me to get an intervention order because he's not afraid of jail is just intimidation and he's actually very afraid of it. She could tell I wasn't ready for that step yet, but I will go to a womens law group on Thursday morning (they open once a week) for support and advice.

He spoke with the kids last night and waited to speak with me, even when DD told him I was on the other phone. I walked out of the room with it to my ear.

Anyway, I took the phone. He told me that he doesn't like my games of not talking with him. He said "someone" told him to stop so he did. He has to wait until May for his anger management group so he'll probably keep getting angry at me until then because he can't stop it.

He said I will say this once and then go because I can't explain - I love you to pieces but I also hate you for so much and can't seem to control my temper. I know I need help but I just don't know what to do.

He also tried to add me as a friend on Myspace and Facebook. He also asked me to be his promo-girl next week, M-F from 12-4 to sell pianos etc. ??????

I told him that I am afraid of him and his anger and we cannot have a friendship / or even think about a relationship until he gets help.

He said tell the kids I love them and hung up.

He's coming to see them tonight and I suggested the park across the road. I will not be alone with him or let him come in to the house.

I'm confused but I feel so glad that I did not fall for any of his threats or intimidation and call him and beg him to stop or call his family. Usually I crumble and cry and beg, which he loves.

I am really proud that to him, I was unaffected. He thankfully will never know about the bucket-loads of tears I cried or the group of my colleagues that stood around me and sheltered me from the calls or Helen or my support on MB.

I want you all to know that I am getting stronger. My boundaries with WH are still flimsy fences, but I'm replacing them with one brick at a time.

I did call my mum and my sister last night to fill them in on how I was but I have kept my mobile switched off. I have meetings with clients this morning so it will stay off so that he can't get in, but this headache is killing me. I went to bed at 9pm but I still want more sleep and rest.

Thank you for checking in on me.

WH and I talked today.

He admitted that he has never been shown unconditional love and never had unconditional love from his parents or brothers.

That goes hand in hand with being brought up by a narccisitic mother.

Anyway, he said he wants to be married and save our marriage for the children and give them what he never had but said he would not blame me if I wanted to divorce and end everything here.

I told him I would only be willing to work on the marriage once he had taken the anger management course and other counselling and was able to stop his anger towards me. He said he doesn't know how to stop the anger but he had called the centres again today and was going to check out the web resources tonight.

Did he sound sincere? Yes.

I am not wearing rose-coloured glasses and I have the Lord on my side because we are separated and I can turn off the phone, lock the doors and feel safe. I am blessed to be in this situation compared to so many other abused women who live with it daily/hourly.

He said he wants to watch the rest of Fireproof because he will do whatever they suggest to save the marriage. I have looked at the website for Fireproof and it's about giving your life over to God and learning to love your partner and respect your partner.

It's an amazing website with blogs and journals and your church can buy a group study kit etc. It's remarkable and it sounds like it really is saving marriages all over the world.

I know that God did lead my WH to this movie. WH denies The Lord in his life and when he stopped going to church in 2004, he had his first A. WH has been to church less than 10 times since then and two of those were the kids Christening's.

I am more than happy for him to watch the movie and have hope. I am thankful that God is leading him in the 'hope' direction rather than down the 'nothing left so who cares...damage...destruction path'.

The cycle of his anger was a lot shorter this time. HE seemed to realise HE was getting out of control and then HE stopped. I don't know why he stopped but he did. I am hopeful that he will get help and that he is at the point where he wants to make a change in his life. He certainly recognises that it is more than me just annoying him. Finally.

He told me that if it was not for the kids, he could have taken himself out by now but he doesn't want to leave them with that memory of him. I know this is true.

It's all so confusing and my headache is so consuming that I can't think straight. I had a client meeting today and I was mincing my words and making it worse. Thankfully the client was understanding and didn't comment. They will also end up taking a package soon so that will be great and so necessary for my job.

I'm rambling. Sorry.

Like I have always maintainted, I want my children to have a healthy relationship with their dad and I hope that he will get help and make this a reality. If he can get healthy, I will think about my future with him. If not, I will continue on my own path where I know I am more than ok without a man in my life.

I don't want one in my life right now. I don't need one

....

2M2L...

Please...

I don't want to read about you in the obituary column.

How many times now has he "sounded" sincere? And how many times has he proven himself not to be?

You'd think after this many turns on the merry-go-round you'd be dizzy. :crosseyedcrazy:

I'm begging you. Not for your sake (because you don't seem to care about your own welfare) but for the sake of your children.

More than likely they will grow up to be abused in a relationship because mommy has shown them that it is "normal" and "okay" to be abused.

The younger one may not notice this right now, but the elder one surely will.