Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 10 of 91 1 2 8 9 10 11 12 90 91
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 30
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 30
So, you , are saying, that you don't care what issues they will have growing up then. That is not important enough for you to seek help and make changes in your life. Hold, you get one chance in life. You get one chance at being these kids father. There is no rewind button. God I wish there was. I wish every day that I would have done things differently when my kids were young. I wish I would have not been an enabler in my ex husbands mental illness and either sought help for him or left but I didn't have the information resources then as I do now. I didn't realize that something was wrong. You however do have the resources and support with this forum. Again this is not about your wife she has to deal with her own demons this is about you. You need to deal with yours so you can raise healthy well adjusted children.

Last edited by jillybean43; 02/24/09 03:58 PM.

prev jillybean36 Live for today for there maynot be a tomorrow
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 6,531
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 6,531
Let me add to what Jilly said. Your kids are being affected NOW by the sick relationship you and thier mother have.

1. Your son was suicidal and needs mental health help
2. Your daughter has an eating problem and eats to cover up her confustion and hurt.

So, you still have time to divorce thier mother and become a healthy strong role model for them. But not much time. Those kids are troubled and affected every day by that selfish disrespectful mother and by you, the supreme enabler.

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,556
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,556
Hold, you've been really effective protecting your family from your W's financial shortcomings once you became aware of the problem. Do you have any advice for Tama or Cat?


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Since the program began in January, Mrs. Hold has lost 24 pounds. Including 7 pounds lost since the formal program ended on March 8. She has gone from a size 18 to a size 12. We are going away this weekend to visit family, and she "complained" that most of her outfits are too loose. Except the one she found downstairs that she hasn't been able to get into in years. Kudos to Mrs. Hold.


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 55
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 55
Hold,

Thanks for posting to me over on my thread.

Have you thought of getting her a new outfit, or some flowers, or? to mark the accomplishment? I know it won't help your marriage, but I think it would show caring for your kid's mother; if not your wife.


Me 42
W 41

M 15 Y
2 Kids

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,556
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,556
Kudos! Has this rubbed off on your daughter, the new food choices, the increased activity?


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Esox
At the moment I am not enthusiastic about being demonstrative in terms of material items.

I do tell her frequently how much I respect the progress she has made, how impressed I am with her commitment, and how good she looks. I compliment her in front of friends. Last night I complimented her openly in front of some of our best friends and their family. I tell the kids she is "melting away" and "shrinking before our eyes". I ask her every day about her exercise class. Which one she took. Who lead the class. How it went for her. I encourage her to take the long view and imagine how she will feel in the fall at D12's party if she continues to lose weight slowly but steadily.

At this point, I am not making enough progress in my "stuff" to expend more energy trying to improve our marriage or rebuild my romantic love for her. I have to stay focused on my stuff. Just wanted to pass along the good news about Mrs. Hold. Lord knows I complain about her enough around here. So when she deserves praise, I want to praise her here too.

Originally Posted By: ears_only
Kudos! Has this rubbed off on your daughter, the new food choices, the increased activity?


Thank you for asking. Yes, D12 is doing better. The new food choices help. The kids tend to eat for dinner whatever Mrs. Hold makes and these days she cooks healthier. Also, D12 has hit puberty and the resculpting of her body helps. She weighs the same as 6 months ago but she is taller and shaped differently. Less in her belly and more other places. We didn't want to jinx ourselves by hoping for this, but we knew it was possible and are gratified it has occurred.

D12 does not exercise more than before, because Mrs. Hold tends to exercise when the kids are in school. But this is peak competition time for D12's synchro team so she is in the pool alot.


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 55
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 55
I understand about the material stuff. I really do.

I have some stuff of my own to sort out.


Have a good weekend.


Me 42
W 41

M 15 Y
2 Kids

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Mrs. Hold has lost a total of 27 pounds and continues to exercise daily. Often she takes 2 classes per day. She should soon break through the 160 pound barrier.

Today she got tangible proof how far she has progressed. She had her annual mammogram, and each breast fit onto a single film. First time ever, since she only started getting mammograms after she gained the weight with D12. I congratulated her on her progress, and told her I hope that next year they can use one of the smaller size films - but that I will support her even if she continues to require a large film wink grin.

Also, we have basically resolved our sexual mismatch. I can no longer achieve or maintain erections, so I don't bother her for sex. She still hisses at me to stay on my side of the bed, but I no longer mind complying. Not the resolution I was hoping for, but less stressful than before.


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 699
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 699
Originally Posted By: holdingontoit
I can no longer achieve or maintain erections


You're on anti-depressants, right? If not, please see a doc to rule out any medical problems (heart disease, prostate stuff).

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Oops, double post.


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 858
D
dkd Offline
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 858
Then get you some Viagra. Insurance will only cover so much...and it's not enough. Start stockpiling now.


Me 38
Divorced 8/09
DS 10,6
DD 4
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Originally Posted By: curious53
You're on anti-depressants, right?


Nope. No medications. Couldn't stay hard with Mrs. Hold last few times we had sex. Difficulty staying hard each time I masturbated since the last time with her. This is not medical. This is inside my head, just like all my other problems.

Anyway, the good news is that Mrs. Hold is making progress. We aren't getting along any better, but right now our lives are more about our own journeys than about relating to one another. So her progress is evidence that our incompatibility need not prevent either of us from achieving life goals.


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Originally Posted By: dkd
Then get you some Viagra. Insurance will only cover so much...and it's not enough. Start stockpiling now.


?????????????

When you have sex as infrequently as we do, if insurance covers ANY Viagra it is more than enough. I bought a box of condoms in 2004 and we still have several left. Of course a few times we did not use one, but that won't happen again.

Anyway, why would I want Viagra? That would imply I want to have sex with Mrs. Hold. These days I prefer to avoid sex. Not being able to achieve erection means I am less likely to pursue her for sex when I get horny. So Viagra is the last thing I want. I can reach orgasm through masturbation even without the erection, so I don't have to worry about clogging up the plumbing.


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 858
D
dkd Offline
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 858
Hey, I'm not having sex either, but I do intend to again, so I've got some pills stored up.

I understand that you don't want to have sex right now, but it seems that getting the pills would be a proactive of telling yourself that the current conditions are not what you want, and that you expect them to change. Also, getting the pills doesn't mean you have to take them, it is a couscious decision still. Even if you do, it doesn't make you sexually attracted to someone, your body still has to react to the stimulous. Your reaction is just...enhanced.

Honestly, your acceptance of the situation seems to be a way at getting back at your W in a way. "Look what you've done to me. The lack of sex has screwed me up to where I can't have sex anymore." Even though she doesn't want to do anything with you, showing that you don't even care about it has to hurt her feelings. I think doing something about it shows that you give a dang about her and about yourself.


Me 38
Divorced 8/09
DS 10,6
DD 4
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Originally Posted By: dkd
it seems that getting the pills would be a proactive of telling yourself that the current conditions are not what you want, and that you expect them to change.


Agreed. But I don't expect the conditions to change. And I am choosing to stay with Mrs. Hold anyway. So getting the pills would just drive me crazy. I would feel hurt every time I saw them and realized it was the same number of pills as the last time I saw them. No thanks.

Originally Posted By: dkd
Honestly, your acceptance of the situation seems to be a way at getting back at your W in a way.


Perhaps. Or perhaps it is my way of sending the message that she ought to start looking for another guy to meet her needs. My subconscious is so mixed up these days, who knows what message it is trying to send.

Originally Posted By: dkd
Even though she doesn't want to do anything with you, showing that you don't even care about it has to hurt her feelings.


Not sure I agree with this one. She is very quick to complain if I move around the bed in a way that she perceives could potentially mean I am moving toward her. Even when I have no intention of going anywhere near her (which is pretty much all the time once we get under the covers). I only move toward her when we are above the covers, and then only to lay my head on her thigh. Sometimes she strokes my back and I find that pleasurable so I admit I seek that out. But I don't make any moves on her. No wandering hands. After a few minutes I go back to my side of the bed. Then when we get under the covers I stay on my side with a wall of pillows between us.

So if it bothers her that I can't get it up anymore, she has given no sign of it. Remember, we are talking 2 or 3 instances over the past 5 months. So it isn't like she keeps putting the moves on me and I reject her. And of course she is completely unaware of my performance problems during masturbation, since that is an activity that dare not state its name in our house.

Nevertheless, I guess it is possible that it bothers her but she hasn't communicated that to me. Would I do anything about it if she did? Hmmmm, that is an excellent question.


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 2,235
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 2,235
I am sorry but you married a very difficult woman. You tried everything to get your marriage to be more functional and great. You tried all you could to stop her from spending you blind and have her willing to make love on a regular basis.

Instead, she slams you in bed, disparages you daily in front of the children and alone, spends all the money she can get her paws on, refuses to work, demands trips, dinners, beauty treatments and lunches. She will not abide by the limited spending rules you set down again and again.

She has absolutely NO respect or love for you HOLD and your important private parts know this.

She has also RUINED you SEXUALLY by her 12 years of angry disparagement and overt rejection of you in bed and put downs of you sexually. You are now sexually warped. With another loving woman you may eventually recover, maybe not.

THIS WOMAN SHOULD BE PUT IN PRISON AND TORTURED LIKE SHE TORTURES YOU GLEEFULLY EACH AND EVERY DAY.

Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 1,346
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 1,346
Originally Posted By: holdingontoit

I can no longer achieve or maintain erections, so I don't bother her for sex.


Uh, Hold, how old are you? A couple of months ago I started to notice that I can't pop a woody as easily I I could when I was 20 years old. Well, the benefit is that I no longer embarass myself when I see a cute chick, on the street, but unfortunately it takes me a while to get going in the bedroom. Ouch!


Me: 50. W: 50. Happily married since 1993. 3 kids.
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
AG:

Yes, I understand and agree about the age related changes. And yes, it is welcome that I don't pop wood at the cute young associates. But not being able to achieve erections even during masturbation is an unwelcome change. Not saying it takes longer or takes direct stimulation where mental imagery was sufficient before. Saying that even with continued direct stimulation and potent mental fantasy there is little or no reaction.

I think Bubbles, although over the top and excessively negative toward Mrs. Hold, is on target. I am warped. And unlikely to heal while I stay with Mrs. Hold.


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 520
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 520
Hold,

I have never posted to you before, but read your posts regularly. Please forgive me for butting into this delicate subject. I may be a woman but I actually know a bit about it.

If you have not had it done, please consider having your testosterone levels checked. Testosterone is important for SO much more than sex in a man. It helps determine his moods, his strength, his ability to sleep and think clearly. Low levels make it difficult to exercise and muscle mass sometimes shrinks even if you are attempting to exercise. It affects the functioning of the thyroid and can affect the heart. Low tstosterone weakens the bones. You have many symptoms of possible low testosterone, including your depression.

Lower testosterone does indeed occur as men get older, but sometimes it just drops too low.

My BIL has been depressed for a number of years. He has become increasingly less motivated, lost weight, can't sleep and had all the accompanying sexual problems. My H and I really believed that low testo was the culprit. My sister was finally able to convince him to get it checked. Low and behold, his testo levels were at the bottom range of what is considered normal(200-900). He began to use testosterone supplements and HIS LIFE WAS TRANSFORMED. I am not kidding.

The impotant thing to remember is that testosterone is not produced by the body merely so a man can have an erection. A male body needs it for countless other reasons.

I have been DISGUSTED by doctors though who laugh when a man wants his levels checked or insist that as long as the level is at 200 or above that things are just fine.

I am condensing this because I only have a few minutes to write, but would SOOOO encourage you to consider this possibility. Not so you can have sex with Mrs. Hold, but so you can feel better than you have maybe felt in years.

Blessings,


WH2LE

BS(Me)-57
FWH-54
Married-5/26/2001(2nd for me, 1st for him)
DS-30
DD-27
D-Day-05/31/2007
Page 10 of 91 1 2 8 9 10 11 12 90 91

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 20 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
bb1471, OTDL2001, DexterWalsh, Roja jayakumar, MarriageIsWork
71,659 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,523
Posts2,322,497
Members71,659
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5