Ok sweetie I am going to bluntly paint a picture for of what I see could happen should you not get on the ball.

WH continues his affair undaughnted because his fansasy is enabled to continue. He gathers as much info he can to make you look bad including a bad mother.

You have the baby he sues you for custody. He wins. He divorces you marries OW and they raise YOUR CHILD together.

Now to avoid this you need to get started to protect youself......you need to send the plan b letter....you need to show him a way home to his family. You need to blow the fantasy world apart. Get the AoA suit started. She may think he is not worth the trouble when she is exposed to the light of day. Vampires tend to shrink from light.

Most important...DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT. And Journal journal journal. I can not stress this enough.

My MIL is the same way. She "befriended" the OW and threw me and our COM under a bus. Too bad your MIL is throwing her future GC away as well.

BOB,
So H's mother is of no support since she thinks the sun rises on his gracious butt,
H's father died.

Does he have siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, any of these have importance to him ? If so, expose to the ones with the best morals and values, the ones that would support you and babe.

Do you have good support from family and friends?

Agree that it is really important to document everything. Get all your ducks in a row now, after babe is born your mind will be elsewhere.

Take care.

Two key exposure tactics are the AOA and reporting the OW to her licensing board. Exposing to her parents is also key, but must be done in a way that says you love your H and want a happy intact family for your soon to be child.

Send the plan B letter and then stay dark and focus on having healthy baby. Do NOT let him have the idea he can come into the delivery room. That would be bad for you UNLESS he has ended the A and sent a NC letter to the OW.

BoB


Ginger Ale did just literally shoot out my nose when I read this!

He doesnt respect you? he doesnt respect YOU????

Let me get this straight. He is the adulterer, the liar and the person who abandoned his pregnant wife for some skanky tramp-o-lean and he doesnt respect the person that youve become??
That is some first class blameshifting! OMG! Unbelieveable, truly. That is hall of fame class blameshifting!

As far as NC for a month, thats been GREAT for him. You havent been around to pester him and it makes his life much easier. You arent there to hold up a mirror and make him face that pesky guilt!

AND, listen to this missy! You are NOT a spineless jellyfish. You are a VALKYRIE! You are Gudit, Boudicca!! A fierce warrier woman who has been attacked and who is going to fight for her M. Now tell me, what is not to respect about that?

Going quietly? Now thats something to not respect.

How's it going?

Hi all,

Thanks for the encouragement and insight. I have a great atty fighting for me in OR and my mom is an atty here in MI so between her and her firm I am covered in every aspect. He won't know what hit him when this goes down. All my ducks have been in a row for quite sometime. He will be lucky to get supervised visitation after all the crap he has pulled.

JK- yes he actually has said that to me, but keep in mind that this was before I had the hard evidence of his affair, and that he is so mentally gone that he was still trying to deny that he did anything wrong when I spoke to him over a month ago. I can't understand how someone can be so deep in denial but he really is.

FF- I am ok, I started my anti d's about a week ago and I think they may be kicking in. I fought hard not to take them but after talking to my Dr about my sit and the potential for increased post partum I decided that it was the safest thing to do.

I am still struggling with the plan b letter, every time I start to write it, it turns into a plan fu letter. I just can't seem to move past my anger right now. He has not checked on us and I am starting to think that maybe not having someone like him in my life and my child's life is for the best. I want to believe in the best in him but if he is capable of being this selfish and cruel when there is an innocent child involved how could I ever trust him again- especially when he shows absolutely no remorse.

I know I love the man I married but maybe he really is gone. So for now I am focusing on Law School and my baby.

I could have forgiven the cheating and lies if was remorseful, but the fact that he abandoned me while pregnant, continued to lie and deny everything then started slandering me, and withholding money- I don't know, even in plan b my love is really disappearing. In fact it may be gone.

these are two emails he sent me this week. This would be attempt number 3 in 5 months at checking on how the baby and I are doing.

What I find interesting is that I told him that I no longer recieve his emails when we spoke at the beginning of Feb. I can't actually completely block them but I can have them skip my inbox and go straight to archive and also have them forwarded back to his inbox so it looks like they don't get to me. I check my archive once a month to see if he has sent anything. this is what I got. Why is still sending me messages if I told him that I am not getting them? and While I don't really think there is too much hidden meaning in these does anyone have any thoughts about what he is saying. I still see no acceptance or remorse, only self entitlement. I see that Schoolbus is quite the master decoder at these sorts of things, I would love to hear anyones thoughts if there was something more to this.

"Can you please tell me how you are doing? Please just let me know that you are OK. You never called back after the home owner's insurance issue, but I saw that new insurance was obtained. I left messages at your family's house.

How is the baby? Any word on if it's a boy or a girl?

Mark


The other thing I want to bring up is if you want me to be present during the birth. I dont know if this is something you would ever consider. If you are getting the emotional support you need from your family now, and you would never want me there, then fine.

I cannot let this come and go without asking. And despite the possible discomfort, I would actually like to be there..

I would need to tell people at work that I need to plan for this. Knowing sooner is best"

BoB

Im glad you checked in.

It sounds as if you moved in to Plan B not a moment too soon. Plan B is designed to protect the BS from any further love bank withdrawals although your WH is doing a good job of continuing that, isnt he?

Good for you for having a plan. Its always hard to say what one would do but if I were in your shoes, I think I might feel as you do. It doesnt sound like your H adds anything but grief and heartache to your life.

The sad thing is, he WILL come out of this fog. He will be stunned to see the wreckage of his life and the mess he has created. Its possible that by that time, you will have moved on.

You seem to have alot of support. That is wonderful.

Hang in there :-)

I'll take a stab at this, although Im no Schoolbus


To me, he is asking how you are in order to have his guilt lessoned. He is trying to make himself look like an "ok guy" and is putting the lack of contact off on you, as in " Well, I tried to contact you. I even left messages at your family's house. See?? Im not a bad guy"


To me, he isnt genuinely concerned with you at all. I may be way off base here but it sounds like he wants to be around for the birth of his child because to not be would make him "look bad". Is he one of those people that is really hung up on what people thing of him? Knowing sooner is best? For who? What a self entitled [censored]! Im sure it would be VERY helpful to you to "know sooner" as far as when he is planning on ending his affair and stepping up to the plate, wouldnt it?

JK- you couldn't be more right about his concern with what others think of him. He is incredibly insecure, beyond normal insecure.

I didn't really get the sense that he gave a cr@p about me either in those emails. I too think he is just trying to appease his guilt. But that is who he has become. He is one of those people that even when they make a disasterous mistake he would rather pretend everything is fine rather than admit fault, I partly blame his mother for this personality flaw.

In fact I fully expect him to marry her just prove a point. Although that should be an interesting conversation with her parents once they find out everything he has done.

Just dropping by to say i'm hanging in there and that I appreciate everyones support and advice.

I keep hearing the analogy of waves of grief and feelings, mine are more like tides- is that normal at this point? Will they turn more into shorter waves?

I have started the anti d's, and am finally sleeping much better than I have for months. Putting on weight, generally feeing stronger overall and there are days when I don't think about him or what he is doing in anyway shape or form. But then there will be string of days where no matter what everything is a trigger and I can't stop thinking about him.

Mostly my thoughts are about what the status of his relationship is and how he is handling the exposure. My plan b has been quiet as a tomb so i have no idea. I exposed to his aunt and uncle- which I knew would really tick off my mil- long story- but since then not a peep from her but I found out she lent him another 3500$ to help with divorce proceedings (this was through the discovery process for the divorce). That woman has no respect for me or my marriage.

I think the thing I find the most surprising is that as everyday passes, even when I do think about him I want him or anything to do with him less and less. I read Jim's post in notables and it really hit the nail on the head as far as these feelings go.

So I guess what I am saying is that there is hope, or light at the end of the tunnel and everyone here is pretty much right. We BS's will be ok even though when we get here it feels like we are in the 3rd circle of hell with no escape. And Mark is right- there is no magic bullet- only time. But I still wish my Karma bus would roll up soon! Maybe the next thing I need to work on is patience

You could always send him and his mother copies of the evidence that you have. And the rest of his family. It may shock him back to reality. It also helps your case that he may not the best father that he would be lying, cheating, sneaking around, etc.

BOB,

Have you exposed to OW's parents yet? Or to her employer? It really could help you. Just be sure to keep copies of everything that you send out, etc. As the others have said DOCUMENT everything!

How are you doing? How is the baby? My H had the A while I was pregnant and we separated when I was 6 months along, so I understand how you feel completely. Just remember to eat and take your vitamins. The baby won't go without, but it will take everything from you, so be sure to take care of yourself.

HS- I don't want to send copies just yet as the evidence I have will be used in my A of A law suit and I don't want anyone to know exactly what I have. Though in other circumstances I would.

Verve- I did expose but I have no idea what has come of it. In the case of her employer it should be interesting as the exposure will seem like it continues as I subpoena the record off of her work station computer that she has been using to comm with my husband. Poor her he he he.

The baby and I are doing alright- thank you for asking. I found out that I am having a girl! Which is very exciting as she will the be the first girl in my family since me (33 years) and we were all crossing our fingers for a girl- so we are all (my family) very excited about it. My WS has no idea what it is.

HELP -I REALLY SCREWED UP!

Before anyone starts swinging the 2x4's hear me out please.

I know I solicited advice from all of you- and pretty much everyone of you said send the plan b letter. I mentioned that I had tried on several occasions to write it but that it always seemed to turn into a huge FU letter. So ultimately nothing ever got sent because I couldn't seem to find the right way of expressing myself.

Well- I have been wondering if the reason that I was struggling so hard with the letter was maybe because I didn't have any love or desire to work out my marriage anymore. I have read so many times over on this board and others that if there are no children involved then cut your losses and run- even Dr. Harley has said that. Technically there is a child but I find myself in slightly different place because if I do cut my losses now then I could potentially spare my child from future harm that my WS has clearly shown he is capable of inflicting. My child right now has a clean slate, she will not now what it is like to have a father so she will not know what it is like to lose him or be without him. Maybe this is the silver lining in this storm cloud.

I find myself asking over and over again do I risk my child's mental and emotional happiness for this man? Because what if he doesn't do the right thing- now she is attached and I will be the reason that she will be caused pain. You see I am the very young daughter of a divorce so I know first hand that even as a very small child there is attachment, confusion and pain that does not go away or is understood for a very very long time. And since I couldn't find the words to say to him there is a way home then isn't my heart telling me what the right thing to do is? If it were just me- I could take it- I could take the risk, stick my neck out and offer that life line. But it is not just me that I have to consider.

Well where I screwed up is on Sunday I was sitting at home the phone rang, our caller ID was not working and I was expecting a call from my mother so I answered. BIG MISTAKE! It was my WH. Since he had no plan b letter stating that he is not to contact me unless he has ended his affair etc.. I was like a deer caught in headlights. The second I heard his voice I froze everything stopped. I know I should have hung up- but somewhere inside of me a little voice said talk to him because maybe just maybe it is your husband on the phone and not his evil twin- BAD VOICE!!!

At first it was ok- then it got nasty- I did everything wrong again, I DJ'd, LB'd yelled, put down, belittled, basically sh$t kicked him. And he took it he didn't yell back he just took it and sounded kinda pathetic. I said some really awful things that I wish I hadn't said- but I can't do anything about that now.

I have no idea if he is still with her. I didn't ask. I didn't want to know. But what has been bothering me is there were a few things that he said to me (in between my tirades) that I haven't been able to stop thinking about that have me questioning myself and what to do.

1. the standard, "I loved you and I still do."
2. "I was miserable with you, but I am miserable without you, maybe I am just a miserable person."
3. "I have destroyed my life as much I have destroyed yours" ( HARDLY)
4. I told him that at one point during all of this I used to feel bad for him and all the things that he is going to miss out on like the birth and all of the fun great firsts of a child, but that I don't feel bad for you anymore you are getting what you deserve. His reply "I feel bad for me".


But the clincher that has had me up for the last two nights is- He asked me if he had stayed what would I have done differently to save our marriage? I asked him what he would have done- he said "I asked you first" (really are you 12?) but I was honestly in such a tizzy by this point nothing was making sense.
And honestly looking back on this question I am face with many more. Like- has he been thinking about this- is there a sliver of hope here or am I just reading too much into and wanting there to be some hope. Because why would he ask me this- especially after I LB'd him for about 1/2 hr by this point. And he really kinda pushed - why?

Do I send a plan b now? Because I can say that if I thought there was a possibility that maybe my husband, the man I married was out there, I would throw him a life line. I can find it in myself to write that letter now- but is it too late? Or am I reading to much into what he said? I don't want him to miss out on this child- but it has to be HIM not his EVIL TWIN.

So any thoughts, comments or advice would be greatly appreciated. I am down to four weeks before delivery and will need to move fast if I am going to do this.

Also- does anyone believe that sending articles from this site or excerpts from books to waywards help in anyway. I know for the most part if they are not ready then it won't make much difference- but my H is a scientist so he is very empirical.

You need to find out if there is still an active affair going on.

Because that is how you should proceed. Plan B letter will let him know where you stand. It also points out your conditions for his return. He sounds pretty foggy, but maybe he is hearing the the reality horn a little bit.

You are in an emotionally hysterical state anyway. ;)(luv dem babies) I understand a Plan B letter has to be hard to write now- I know there are pleanty on this site- maybe you could find one for inspiration and edit?

As far as you are along, methinks you need to stay with your current OBGYN (I mean, I don't think you should move away now.)

I hope you find clarity and peace. I live in Milford-- where r u?

Ok, how do I do that without contacting him? Or do I have to actually ask him that?

Methinks snooping is what is required. This is a long distance relationship (the A), right?

Are there any common charge phone records you can get ahold of?
Plane reservations/florist reciepts/dinners out- the works.

Also Spokeo.com YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE what you can dig up on someone online (this is very powerful juju!)

I agree that Plan A is NOGUT' for expecting moms. Your plan b should be sweet and short- if you want to send one at all.

I feel this might be posturing because baby is coming. I'd wait until months after the birth (even if you start communicating now) when all the newness blows over to see if his intentions are true.

What does he say now about the A?

Yes the affair is a long distance affair. But unfortunately so am I. He lives in Oregon, the OW in Chicago, and I now live in MI with my parents. So physical access to any of his stuff is out. He changed all passwords on his online accts so I can't see the phone bills or anything like that.

I will try your suggested website tonight and see what I can come up with.

As far as what he says about A- I didn't ask, and I didn't really give him an opportunity to bring it up. I didn't really want to know when we talked on Sunday.

Thanks for the insight about the posturing- that is very logical! It is funny how we want to see things when it is our own mess as opposed to looking at someone elses!