Rin,


EXACTLY! This is the woman you are NOW!! The one that is NOT the doormat, and who CAN/DOES still deal with whatever comes her way. You can now see your own 'stuff' much better and know that you have it within yourself to deal with it.

Glad you are feeling better.


Most definately!!

OKay, I have decided that I'm trying to force something that it's there! I'm trying to change the way I feel, thinking that I'm wrong...I'm not wrong for the way I feel...

It's a struggle for me and it shouldn't be that way! I know that "D" wants more but I can't...

I'm done! It's creating confusion and chaos for me and I KNOW that's not the way it's suppose to go!

I've been trying to change the way I feel and it doesn't work that way! I feel the way I feel...DONE!

Rin,

Honey, I understand what you are saying. If we put aside the fact that we NOW know that V is a stalker/physcho guy, it was similar for me.

He was (seemingly) a GREAT guy who was very interested in me. We had similar backgrounds, the same values when it came to family, politics, religion, kids, divorce,,,heck we both even did similar things in trying to save our marriages! The attention he gave me was wonderful.

Yet,,,there was just something missing. That special spark that one just 'feels' when you know the potential is there for something long term. I knew it from the beginning and was totally up front with V, even though he chose not to listen to me.

Now if that is how you are feeling than no, there's no point trying to 'force' anything.

Just please be sure that it is for that reason and NOT because of your fears, OK?

You've come so far in overcoming fears of the past and changing your life!! I'm so proud of the changes I've seen in you, as I know that this road has been oh so hard for you but it has also been incredibly rewarding, hasn't it? In the long run it IS better!!

So, take your time no matter what your decision or thoughts are. Your world runs on Rin Time and no one elses, right?!

Morning Bugs! Having thought about what you wrote this morning, I think that there's a major reason why I can't trust this guy!

Seemingly great guys...respectful of my boundaries, not pushing anything EXCEPT I know that he wants more and I'm not capable...

There's some reason why in my mind, I think that he's a character in the Movie "The Devil's Advocate" with Keanu Reeves and Al Pacino...remember the pretty people at the law firm...there was something inherently evil about them...

Were you trying to ignore your gut when you were with V? I feel like that what I was kinda of doing becasue doing in a way...I've met other guys an haven't had strong reactions to them like I did with him...and I kept telling myself that I was wrong...

I'm not wrong for the way I feel...I cut him off Saturday...I began a conversation with him and a friend dropped by...I thought nothing I said to him will make him understand my position...he admitted that he's bias...so I didn't call him back...later that night, he txted me saying that he had somethings to tell me that he thought was healthy for me to hear...

SOMETHING'S not right here...so I'm not dealing with him...I thought about it this way...does he honestly have my best interest at heart or his and I think that it's his...

I've spent the last two days in mediation and prayer...to regain my serenity...I can say this...I have figured out some things in the course of dealing with him...I'm pretty sure about some other things in my life that I didn't know that I wanted and am just figuring out...

I realized that pattern that I was doing...so I'm not doing that anymore...I am strong enough to take care of myself...no need to have anyone protect me except me!

I have a Strong Tower to look too and he will do for me what I can't do for myself!

I still have some work to do but I'm no different than anyone else...I am not broken! I think that he thinks I'm broken...and a pushover...someone who does not command respect...

Not for me!

WEll ladies and gentlemen I have been in a pretty bad funk but I think that I'm coming out of it!

"D" is still txting me, but I'm ignoring them today! Yesterday I was brief and to the point.

I have been laughing and enjoying today, completely different from the past, what two weeks?

No one should have to deal with someone who can bring you down that far and that quick...

Hi all! Well, I got a letter from my lawyer in the mail this pass Friday saying that our March 4th court date was going to have to be cancelled becasue my lawyer has another case that has to be taken care of on the 4th and the 5th. So, if POWS and I didn't come to an understanding that we would have to move the date!

So, Sunday, he txted me about YS breaking a glow stick in his mouth from the parades! I called him back to make sure that he was okay and while I ahd him on the phone asked if he had heard anything from his lawyer, which he did! So, I asked if he wanted to talk about the comm. prop and he said that would be fine.

Now, mind you, we were support to a rule for reduction in CS that day also! He's been out of work since Dec. and I've only gotten $600 from him and that was recently. While I see him, spending money on tennis shoes, and going here and there, fast food, etc.

So, when he got there, we got the kids settled in the house and built a fire outside to talk around. The conversation didn't last long and I ended it when I started to feel myself getting upset by asking him to leave, which was followed with "You're not getting anything more than the house!"

I didn't reply there was no point! Apparently, I don't deserve anything more than the house and when I offered him a smaller amount in CS, he refused saying even that was too much for him and that he knows people who has more kids and pays less than he does!

So, I have tried to call my lawyer today to let him know to schedule the new court date but they hadn't been answering the phone today being that Mardi Gras was yesterday. I'm not sure what's going on. I have been holding off on doing my taxes until after the court decision but it appears that I'm going to have to go ahead and file.

There was a good many things that POWS said that was selfish in my eyes. He seems to be blaming me for his lifestyle, it's my fault that half of his income comes to me! Blah, Blah, Blah.

I honestly think that he doesn't have a job because he thinks that he's going to not have to pay CS or a really small amount. He's even told me that he doesn't want to go back on his tools but would perfer to have another type of job. And once again, repeated last night that something was going to have to happen with him getting a job!

I don't know, I am trying ahrd to keep my head up and shoulders back! Even my lawyer has said that POWS doesn't ahve a job from a lack of jobs being out there but a lack of looking!

So, I'm here, breathing and questioning God again, wondering why this has been so difficult, how come all the MB and other ppl that I know have had such an easy time with their D stuff but at the same time trying to accept it is what it is.

I mean if a judge were to tell me that I'm not getting anything more than what I have right now, with everything that POWS has done, I would accept that better than him telling me that. It was brought me back to the days where he was really intimidating me, threating me, etc. I could hear the justification in his voice and anger building. There was no compromising, which I should have known better to begin with!

well, I made it through the day...didn't want to be at work or do anything...I did bring the boys to eat tonight, thanks to my mom and her v-day presents to them...they enjoyed it...

which actually made me feel better because we laughed some...tomorrow I have OS's last testing appt for his eyes...POWS has come to the last two but TBH, I don't want him there tomorrow and I certianly didn't call to remind him about it...and will not...

As far as the dating world, well, I haven't been getting past the infatuation stage...in my world that's about a week and a half, two weeks...

I know that I shouldn't be comparing myself to other people, but it just seems to me that OP's "D"s and finding a companion has been so much easier than it has for me...

I struggled with the thought of my picker being broken after I came here...LA and I had tlaked about it...but I can't figure out how to stop attracting what I'm attracting...

I'm going back to that thinkin that I'm somehow broken...and a friend of mine keeps telling me that I am not, that there's nothing wrong with me...

Guess I'm being impatience, matter of wanting what I want when I want it...both with the X, court date...dating...

I'm feeling pretty insignificate right now...so not the DIVA way...but that's how I feel...you know ppl move on with their lives, gets GF's or BF's, whatever...

you know my biggest concern is that ppl will get bored with me...like POWS did and move on...

SO anyway, PITY PARTY HERE, because that's what I feel I'm starting to sound like...

I am trying to remind myself that Sorrow and Suffering are God's companions and when I walk with my companions I gain Grace and Glory...that Comfort and Joy will be gained but my little reminds are not comforting me right now...

I did feel somewhat better after talking to a friend for a minute...perhaps I'm stuck in my head and need to be kicked out...

What ever the case, I've made it through another day...someone please kick me...

Rin:

No kicks from me.

No WAAAA parties either.

But you can get a little down in the dumps. That's allowed.

You can't stay there, however.

Why? Because last time you posted, I replied that something GREAT is going to happen this week.

It might be Wednesday, but there is still time for the week to be great.

WSTBxH used to keep you DOWN all the time.

Your no longer down there.

Your free to explore the wonderful world out there.

Dating isn't working out? Well, just take it slow. It WILL work when its right.

Make note of one thing? Your "picker" is FIXED. That's why the men you are meeting are not lasting longer than two weeks. Your "picker" is throwing them out. Maybe that didn't happen before.

That is strength that you have, that you didn't have before.

You have progressed rapidly in the workforce since you broke free of WSTBxH. That is wonderful.

There is SO MUCH progress. Yes, you can always hope for more, or maybe a little faster. Every journey begins with the first step. And YOU are so much further into this journey now.

Take Care.

(((RIN)))

LG

(((Rin)))

Boy oh boy do I hear you.

Gets pretty tough not to second guess yourself so much that you maybe talk yourself out of a good thing.

It's one of those things, when you think about it that make veteran race drivers such truly impressive people. You don't get to go racing for very long before you have your first major accident.. much like you can't dip your toe into the dating pool for very long without encountering some kind of heartache.

Ok.. strange to use an auto racing reference in regards to dating? I'll admit, perhaps so.. but I'm a huge F1 fan, and unlike a lot of American motorsport.. there really aren't many casual F1 fans.. we become obsessed with everything about the sport's technology, history, rivalries, drivers etc.. and one day when I first started thinking about putting myself back in the dating pool, I stumbled upon this quote which kinda set the tone for how I approached the whole deal.

"I never think I can hurt myself-not seriously. If you believe it can happen to you, how can you do this job? If you're never over eight-tenths, or whatever, because you're thinking about a shunt, you are not going as quick as you can . And if you re not doing that you 're not a racing driver.Some guys, in formula1... well to me, they're not racing drivers. They drive racing cars, thats all. They're doing half a job. And in that case, I wonder why they do it at all..."

-Giles Villeneuve (late great Canadian racing legend)

Giles ironically was generally very outspoken about safety in the sport, but gained his legendary status by always hanging it out there on the edge on some of the world's toughest circuits.

Basically what he's saying to me, is that the risk of getting hurt is always out there.. always around the corner, but if you're always thinking about the crash that might happen, you hold yourself back from giving everything you can to get the most out of your result.


Be picky.. don't rush, or rush into things.. but you can't be afraid to feel again out of fear of getting hurt. If you go into everything that way with a guy.. he'll never stand a chance.

Next best example I can give is a conversation I had this weekend.. We've acknowledged that we're still in the 'Oh wow this is great, there's a lot of neat things I'm learning about you' stage.. the endorphines are flowing.. and it feels -really- great to have that attention from someone else... but the truth is, our definition of wanting -more- is that we would both like to see this work.. and the foundation of that is to be completely open with eachother.. and that includes being vulnerable enough to risk being hurt by the other person. That's a big leap of faith to make.. but honestly I rather take the chance on making it.. than allow my fears to guarantee a result that is less than what I deserve.

Just my buck fiddy..

LG, I actually read your post last night and as son as I did a wave of emotion hit me and I started cryin! You have an amazing way of putting things.

You are so right on the picker part and so many other parts too!

So, today, I'll keep my head up and shoulders back like I did yesterday! Thank God it's a short day for me at work with OS's eye appt.

I'm going to try to focus on apprecaiting the little bitty things today.

You certainly have that right about being down all the time with the X. I remember writing that check to the lawyer and feeling so good about that, thinking that I was finally spending money on me to make me happy!

I think I'm going to spend the day working on changing my attitude...

A question that came to mind for me last night was what exactly is forgiveness and have I been practicing that becasue there are times when I wonder if I ahve forgive POWS. Sometimes I wonder that because I still find myself looking for the justice in all of this.

I know that I ahve moved on...there's no hoping and wishing that POWS will change...kind of like Bugs looking at Drac and seeing him for who he is today not who she thought he was...

I also know that you are right in my picker being fixed because I was convenient for POWS, always felt like a doll on a shelve with him, and I want to be inconvenient for someone.

It's a shame that having been married for so long and I felt lonely alot of the time, even when together. It's the little things like that I will not settle anymore.

Like I said I'm going to work on changing my attitude today and being grateful for what I do have and will probably try to find something around the house to keep me busy this weekend in the yard or around the house! I use to be pretty good about spending time with myself.

I'm just trying to figure out where I need to be today!

LG is exactly right. Where you see new relationships not working out and think something must be wrong with you, we see a more mature Rin who will no longer settle for anything less than a healthy relationship.

Be patient sweetie... you've got the rest of your life. Treasure those boys. They grow up SO FAST! When they become grown men, they will remember that mom was always there for them and will honor you and call you blessed.

Your day is coming.

(((Rin)))

AH James! This part suck with me the most because I was just thinking this a few days ago, how I would rather take the chance of being hurt then to never have loved at all because that's no kind of life in my book. I would rather love a 1000 times than no to have done it once!

I think the thing that I've been running to in the dating world is that it's been one sided...usually not me wanting more becasue there are things that I can't live with and the two times that I have found that...it's been me wanting more...once last year about this same time...

I don't know if you belief in this kind of stuff but they've both been Pisces! LOL...not that I do either but it's something that I noticed!

At least I don't have that attitude of "darn POWS for putting me in this position anymore!" That kind of thinking will leave you stuck in a bad place...

Thanks PM! I'm glad that you pointed out the boys this morning, I was sitting outside enjoying my coffee and it occured to me that I'm significate to them.

They can not make it without me and just like at dinner last night, I know that they sense when I'm down...OS sat at the table with me and started rubbing my back and leaning on me...

He's so awesome! Kid love! Oh, that will make me cry again and I have to get to work! HA!

((((PM))))

((((LG))))

((((James))))

(((Rin)))

Heh.. you mentioned trying to figure out forgiveness a few posts up..

Honestly, the best gauge for me so far at least has been one of those church signs I talk about every so often. It said:

Forgiveness - Giving up my right to hurt you back.


It's been a pretty good gauge for me in trying to decide to let stuff go..


Hmm.. the Ice Queen is a Pisces..

HEY, HEY, HEY!!! I'm a Pisces.

Lots of good discussion going on her, Rin. Keep your chin up, everyone is right in regards to your picker.

Before, your picker would have picked and stuck. It isn't getting stuck anymore. You've come along way.


Using this as a guide, I'm not there yet. It makes it really hard to forgive when they keeping taking punches and doing the same thing they need forgiveness for.

Keeping moving forward, Rin, there is so much in this life to enjoy.

Love will come when you are truly ready.

Fox

Well, it's that's the case then I have done that with POWS...

Had a not, then I would have tried to stick it to him when we were having that discussion with the Comm. prop. and CS...I very well could have said some mean things but instead I just asked him to leave...

He's still suffering the consequences of his actions, I'm not out to get him or saying to myself since you did this then I'm doing this...

It's a matter of following through for me...and I certianly don't feel guilty about following through...and I will not accept his blame...

Becasue that's what I still get, it's my fault and since it's my fault, I don't deserve...

He can be anger with me, but it's really himself that he's anger with...

I'm going to have to add that like saying to my stuff so I can remember it...

LOL...I was kind of referring to how Pisces goes with Libra, ME! And besides being a Pisces, I happen to love being around them...it's the one group that I have found that I can overlook their shortcoming and think...I can live with that...the same is not true for them though...

Oh well!

Question is FOX: ARE YOU TRUE TO YOUR SIGN?

I am...you look up charactertics of a Libra and just write Rin in...

As far as the picker, I can accept what you guys are seeing on that one now! I'm not accepting unacceptable behavior from guys anymore...going with the flow...

So, I'll file that worry away!

Well......yes and no. It depends on which reference your are looking at.

Some say Pisces are creative, dreamy, and lazy.

I am none of those things.

The following I connected with though:

The inner conflict of Pisces is extremes of temperament and conflicting emotions.

A knack for picking poorly suited partners and friends

Pisces eternal struggle is to learn to use their powers and their imagination in a positive, productive way and vying for emotional stability by not giving away their emotions to everyone else, they need to help themselves.

They have extremes of emotions and feel both good and bad intensively.

Pisces have formidable intuitive ability. DD14 was saying last night how this drives her nuts. "HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT STUFF BEFORE IT HAPPENS!!!??

Pisces are not the pushovers that they may seem, in fact they have strength of character and will stand up for what they believe in and and they can do hard work for something they believe in.

Pisces will go out of their way to help a friend. They are extremely sensitive and loyal. They will take a friend's problem and make it their own and suffer with them. This is the weak spot of Pisces but any friend of this zodiac sign should know that although they are attracted to people with severe problems who desperately need help, this actually does more harm them good.

The Pisces In Love:
Pisces really need to be needed. They suffer from fear of rejection and low self-esteem. Pisceans are tender and caring, but frequently become the victims of domineering and uncaring partners. They submerge themselves in the experiences of their mates. If their partner is strong and caring, the lucky Piscean will soar to new heights. Conversely, if they find themselves in an unfulfilling relationship, they will prolong the agony--feeling they must deserve the misery—-and assume the role of martyr.

There was one I found on my birthday this year on MSN's front page that I TOTALLY connected with. It was like someone looked inside of me and was able to READ how I work and function.

I don't really believe in this stuff, but it is hard to deny when so many pieces fit.



You are doing great, Rin. I think the biggest thing you need to learn is to TRUST YOURSELF.

Fox

I just got a call from my paralegal...I have to be at his office Monday for a meeting at 10am...they said that they are not sure if they are going to invite POWS becasue his lawyer feels that it may be counterproductive.

That's a shame that his lawyer feels that way...if I heard that correctly, but they do want me there...

She's still amazed that POWS doesn't have a job and commented on the market right now and I told her what he said about not wanting to go back on his tools but finding something else...she just laughed...

I asked if there was anything that I needed to bring but she said no...that they should have everything...and she will call me back to let me know what time I have to be there so my lawyer can talk to me prior to the meeting with POWS'

See that's exactly how I feel about it...


Perhaps that's the problem...I am very caring and not domineering at all...very quick to get to an enthusiastic agreement!

Here's me! Whoohoo!
A Libran female is total woman, complete with the charming manners and delightful elegance. She can also argue with the convincing male logic and beat you at any argument. However, the male side may come in front of you after sometime. Debate attracts her and she weighs both sides of the situation with total fairness. A Libra girl may start an argument alone and finish it alone, with your contribution being only some occasional comments. While she is arguing with you, she may smile every now and then.

Before you know it, you will feel captivated by her smile and charm. By this time, she would have won the argument as well as your heart. Of course, you won't mind that, since she convinces with such carefully balanced and logical arguments. A typical Libran female characteristics profile includes a constant need to be fair and balanced. The best part is that she presents her case in such a tactful way that you don't feel offended at all. At the same time, she is not stubborn and easily changes her mind if she finds your arguments more logical and convincing.

She will never stick to a viewpoint just because its hers and your opinion will matter to her as much as her own. Libran women love luxurious surroundings and sloppy, dirty surroundings make them feel depressed. If subjected to such environs for too long, they can fall physically ill too. Most of them work after marriage. Apart from money, one of the basic reasons for this is that for them, marriage is also like a partnership and both the partners have to carry out the responsibilities together.

Solitaire is not their kind of game. A Libra woman never seeks to dominate in a relationship and the husband always gets the respect he deserves. At the same time, she keeps him from making mistakes or taking wrong decisions. He takes the lead and she tries to smooth out the results of his decisions.

This can be a downfall for me, I cleaned up so much of POWS stuff!


She will never go against his decisions, but if he's wrong, she will slowly tread him to the correct path. She is emotional, but not while forming opinions or passing judgments. At that point of time, facts are what matters to her the most.

Being suspicious is not one of the personality traits of a Libran girl. She trusts you completely and opening your personal mail will be wrong in her eyes. She expresses her emotions easily and lavishly; you will never find yourself complaining in this aspect. There will be no dearth of charming glances, gentle strokes, affectionate hugs and loving kisses. After marriage, you will never come back to a dirty home. Everything will be spick and span, right from your drawing room to your wife to the kids.

A Libra female loves talking, but she will patiently listen to your monologues too. She is all feminine, where love and romance is concerned. However, when some crisis situation crops up, she will be as strong as any man. She will always be there to help you, motivate you, build up your strength and support you. With children, she will be loving, caring and a little strict, especially where respecting you is concerned. She will dote on them, but they will never come before you. You were the first love of her life and she will never forget that.

She will never let the kids disrespect you and your needs will always come first. If you become too strict with them, she will be there to wipe their tears and give them the chocolate you denied. A Libra woman may become a little imbalanced once in a while. Still, the harmony and balance will return soon and she will become her usual lovable self again. She is one of the few females who can play the princess with the perfect captivating charm and, with as much ease, lend you a supporting hand in crisis. And she melts your heart with that enticing charm and alluring smile too!


NOW, WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO DATE ME! LOL