Hello everyone , Found out about my wife's affair on nov. 08 and i also thought i exposed it on nov. 08 but it continued till the first week of jan. 09 where she went to meet the OM to break it off ,that night she was very depressed and very upset at herself for what she did and apologized to me , she was crying all night. then the following day the OM met her at her work to ask her back (my wife promised to tell me everything and she was .. only the ones i needed to know i guess) and she told the OM that they are over. a week later i went to see her at work and saw her get in the OM car , i ran to the car and asked the OM to leave , we talked in her car for 3 hours where i asked her to choose again (i asked her to choose a week ago as well) she said she is going to meet the OM to break it off "AGAIN". They met at one of her friends house where my wife said where she is really done with him . the WS said that she is done with the OM because he didnt really fight for her . When she got home we talked for a few hours and once again she was very apologetic and looked very determined to work on our M , she was very upset and crying a lot. The next day she woke up crying and still very sad and depressed.

The OM is her co-worker and may not leave his job , my wife worked hard to get where she is and i cannot ask her to leave her job but i would love for the OM to leave instead . my wife is also the OM's supervisor . supposedly the OM asked my WS if he wants her to leave and my WS responded with i cannot tell you what to do , you can do whatever you want. I think the OM decided to stay but my WS said that the OM is looking to get transfered to another state.

It has been a week since WS broke off the A , she has been depressed and has told me that she miss the OM and that it will not be easy to handle but i am glad she is honest(as far as i know at least). The OM will be out of town for 2 weeks and i feel like it is a great opportunity for me to continue PLAN A . sometimes it feels like we are on recovery because she talks about i am the man of her dreams and that she would marry me again (contrary to what she said a week ago where she loves the OM more than me and that she is only staying because of the kids) but then a day later she is back to being sad and depressed.

We have 3 kids all below 10 years of age and have been neglected by my WS , since the A was exposed i thought that the WS would pay more attention to them but it hasnt happened yet.

I will continue PLAN A , i hope she forgets about the OM although i dont know how i am going to handle it since the OM is still at her work. My WS said that she is stronger than i think and knows that she can control the A .. she said she knows what she did was stupid and is very determined.

i bought HIS NEEDS and HER NEEDS and also got the Love buster book .. i have been reading to help me with finding HER NEEDS.

What should i expect from my WS ? nothing ? i feel bad for my kids because she doesnt spend too much time with them , right now the WS would rather spend time with her girlfriends than me or the kids (although she has been spending more time with me and has been calling me at work more).

Am i on the right path ? should i be doing something more ? how should i handle the OM staying at her job ? Howcome she is still not very attentive to our kids ?

Thanks for reading and thanks for letting me vent.

Stan: Welcome to Mb.com. This is great site for wayward spouses (WS) with tons of information and great wisdom from members.

First, until you wife has NO CONTACT with the OM she will continue to be in "fog-speak" and act like an alien. Either your wife needs to leave the job or the OM needs to leave the job. Period, end of sentence.

As long as she continues to see him she will have second thoughts and you will not be able to work on your marriage.

Repeat, she MUST establish no-contact (NC), before she can even begin to heal your marriage.

After NC she will go through withdrawal, lasting any where from a month to, well, maybe longer. She will waver, want to contact th OM, do all sorts of crazy things that will drive you to drink and pull your hair out.

You need to encourage NC. Move to another state if you have to. Dr. Harley says the only way you can start to save your marriage is after the WS (wayward spouse) establishes no contact.

Stan2008

Your WW will not go through withdrawal for OM without NC. Your WW or the OM will have to give up their job. Transfer usually do not work out because contact can be maintained through business chanels. Also the company can close and consolidate operations and OM and WW are right back together.

NC is for life not a few years. They can never ever work for the same company.

Have you exposed WW to her parents and her siblings and the OMW?
This needs to be done.

As to her giving up her great job. The old rule is never dump where you eat. Your WW lost the right to keep her job. She gambled. WW's choice to have an affair with a go worker. She risked her job. When you take risks you have to be ready to part with what you hold dear.

There are other jobs and other employers.

I have been reading here since 2004. In this time many an affair did not end but restarted due to the WW and OM still being allowed to work together.

Your WW is like a drug addict. OM is the source of her high. Alcoholics are not to sit in a bar or it will make them fall off the wagon.

continued contact = train not leaving the station

End of story...

Thanks for the reply everyone.

I spoke to WW regarding the NC and the OM staying at the same job and she said that the OM is currently looking for another job elsewhere. True or not i am not sure.

I guess in the mean time till NC starts i will continue with PLAN A ? How long should i stay on PLAN A ?

I can see that my WW made a decision to stay with us work on our M but it takes her 24 hours to tell me about the OM contacting her. I already asked her to tell me as soon as it happens.

My WW sister knows and also her friends (who happens to be the OM's friends as well) Her mother does not know yet. The OMW does not know (my WW used to be friends with the OMW until the OM got together with OMW). The OMW left her job to be with the OM since they are not allowed to have a relationship at work which is what my WW is doing with the OM. (This looks so much like a daytime soap opera)

She also said that if it comes down to herself leaving her job for me or the family she would.

Thanks

Then she needs to do that.

Make no mistake, there's no wiggle room in Harley's plan for recovery. If she continues to work with OM, your marriage will never recover. She'll stay in her fog, she'll go back to OM and re-start the A.

You need to expose to EVERYONE - including HR since they work together and she's his supervisor. She needs to write a NC letter that you READ and APPROVE. She needs to STOP seeing him to "break things off", because it just re-triggers her. She needs to take steps to block avenues of communication between them - change her cell #, email address, get another job, etc.

If she gets angry - too bad - and she will get angry. FURIOUS. She'll say the typical "I was going to give you a chance, but now you blew it", etc. That's the consequence of her stepping outside the marriage. Like it's been said a million times - your marriage can survive her anger, but it sure as hell can't survive an ongoing affair.

Will you be calling her today to let her know? She should have been the FIRST to know.


Additionally, the Human Resources of your wife's job should be notified since they are at legal risk. The best way to achieve this is to send a certified letter to the Director of Human Resources, ccing a key VP and your wife's and her lover's supervisors.

You have the ammunition in your hand to kill this affair DEAD and are not using it. WHY? The 2 most critical exposures could have killed this affair and you have done them.

Can I ask why?

Workplace exposure letter developed by BritsBrat, a corporate atty:

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

Stan,

This is extremely hard, and I'm not convinced that you're up to standing up to your WW.

Strong, definitive ACTIONS "can" achieve the results you seek, but continued inactions will doom you to failure.

Take a long hard look within yourself, and decide RIGHT NOW if you honestly have what it will take to pull this off before you do anything else.

These plans can work, but ONLY if you have the inner strength to implement and execute the plans, AND you have a WW that is worth the effort and will be an equal partner in any potential recovery.

Absent either, and you might as well protect yourself and proceed directly to Plan D.