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Well, you were rude and I appreciate your apology. Folks - who didn't have to - went to the trouble of responding to your question and you responded with insults. I disagree!! I was not trying to be rude. If I am so much trouble then I will leave. I did not respond w insults. Sorry, but that is not cool. You came here looking for help, not the other way around.
Folks do want to help you, TigerLady, but there is no reason to slap folks when you don't like the answer. Maybe I am in the wrong place for help. I did not slap folks--that is what you are doing to me--do you not see that!!!! Anyway, no hard feelings. I am willing to leave it behind. No hard feelings--only because you feel you are right and I am wrong. I asked you to not respond to any of my post--you didn't respect that.
FWW-me(40)
DH-(41)
M-21 yrs
D-Day- 7/30/07
Kids don't know!
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develps perseverance."
James 1:2-3
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Joined: Apr 2001
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TL, I don't know if you are in the right place to get help. Only you can answer that. You stated previously that you did not believe that MB was the best answer for you and that you didn't get good feedback, which led me to ask why you would come here to ask for help.
However, If you don't want me to respond, then stop responding to ME. I have every right to respond to your posts addressing me.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Tigerlady, I think the problem is that posters pointed out something you did not want to hear and do not want to face. They pointed out the folly of blaming your H for your affair and you didn't like hearing that: So is this the case? Will he have to admit to having a part in the A? I mean more so a part in not being the husband I needed. I know he will not like this and will cause more problems--so I don't want to get into any books that will say that w/o a counselor to help because he feels he has done nothing wrong in our marriage that would have led me to have the A. You said that you take "100% responsibility" after you have just blamed your H, which is contradictory. Your anger is about the fact that posters pointed this out to you, not because they were rude or unhelpful. On the contrary, their posts WERE HELPFUL. You just didn't want to hear it. They weren't "attacking" you, they were trying to help you. My suggestion would be to try and be a little more open minded to what you are hearing here. Just because you don't WANT to hear something does not mean that you don't NEED to hear it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Oct 1999
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I disagree!! I was not trying to be rude. If I am so much trouble then I will leave. I did not respond w insults.
Don't let the people that hate WSs make you leave... there are a lot of good people here like MrsWondering.. they will show up.
You seem to have a pretty good grasp of this. The problem is there are a lot of bitter wounded people here too...and they might take their pain out on you thinking they are helping your H...
About your original question. Even the Bible warns of "Keeping yourself from your spouse" is a way to let the enemy in and subjects your spouse to temptation. I don't think God only meant sexually.
My spouse betrayed me. When I called my minister he told me it took two people to cause an A. I said "Yes... her and him"
He said "No you and her" I HUNG UP... I was so mad at him.
He called back and said "I didn't mean you DESERVED it or CAUSED it" "I meant that although your WS is currently breaking the vow of "Forsaking all others till..." YOU MAY HAVE broken OTHER vows"
He told me for instance that if I broke the vow of "Love honor and cherish" IN GOD'S EYES I had broken a vow EQUALLY important (although a lot less publicly despicable) as forsaking all others.
Did your spouse deserve your A? NO NO NO... did you make a bad choice? YES YES YES....
BUT... did he leave you more open to temptation by breaking OTHER VOWS... probably...only YOU and HE know that for sure.
AGAIN... before they start attacking ME....let me make it perfectly CLEAR... YOUR HUSBAND DIDN'T CAUSE OR DESERVE YOUR "A"
But... when you guys find out what needs your OM filled that your H DIDN'T fill... and as long as you ALLOW him to fill these needs and......
HAVE NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER WITH YOUR OM AT ALL EVEN IF HE IS ON FIRE... (LEAVE IT TO SOMEONE ELSE TO PUT HIM OUT!!) LOL...
You cannot EVER EVER EVER be friends with this man again...don't let him guilt you into ANY contact.... HE ALSO made a VERY bad choice and must BACK OFF...
My WW's OM used to guilt her into talking to him by threatening to jump off a bridge.... LET HEM JUMP if he makes THAT bad choice too.... Heck.... I offered to drive him to ANY bridge in the state!! LOL...
ANYWAY... if you guys get into PROFESSIONAL counseling FAST (Go to your church or any church if money is a problem)I would suggest adding GOD to Harley anyway....
You will be on your way to a better marriage than you had even in the beginning. You will finally have the correct tools...
Good Luck and Prayers... FRANK
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OH... A COUPLE OF OTHER THINGS..
You may have withdrawal and actually miss your OM... This is pretty usual. Affairs are a kind of addiction. You might have been addicted to how your OM made you "feel".
This is simply because he found a way to fill some needs. A lot of times they are simply good listeners and remember the things you complain your H didn't do. Then they simply do that and don't do things you hated your H to do.
This causes a false sense of fondness for that person. Most times soon after the marriage is destroyed....the OPs show their "True" self. And fail miserably because they no longer have the BS to do the opposite of...
FINALLY.....
YOU DID NOT RUIN OMs LIFE.... HE MADE HIS OWN CHOICES
YOU DO HAVE TO BE FULLY ACCOUNTABLE TO YOUR H FOR A WHILE SO TRUST CAN GROW....
YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON...EVERYONE IS POTENTIALLY A WS (according to Harley's empty Love Bank concept) and the enemy's power. (God doesn't send soul mates to married people...someone does though....)
So... that's enough for tonight.... God Bless... FRANK
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TigerLady,
Don't let the people that hate WSs make you leave... there are a lot of good people here like MrsWondering.. they will show up.
You seem to have a pretty good grasp of this. The problem is there are a lot of bitter wounded people here too...and they might take their pain out on you thinking they are helping your H... I understand--I tell my DH about what I do on here and after telling him about some of the comment HE is the one that told me to get off of here and not listen to people that are going to take me down when that is not what I need--they don't understand US!! So how they are helping him I have no idea. In fact they are making like MB even less and even though I have told him to get on here for advise--he will not do it at this point because of what I have gone through--if that makes sense.About your original question. Even the Bible warns of "Keeping yourself from your spouse" is a way to let the enemy in and subjects your spouse to temptation. I don't think God only meant sexually.
My spouse betrayed me. When I called my minister he told me it took two people to cause an A. I said "Yes... her and him"
He said "No you and her" I HUNG UP... I was so mad at him.
He called back and said "I didn't mean you DESERVED it or CAUSED it" "I meant that although your WS is currently breaking the vow of "Forsaking all others till..." YOU MAY HAVE broken OTHER vows"
He told me for instance that if I broke the vow of "Love honor and cherish" IN GOD'S EYES I had broken a vow EQUALLY important (although a lot less publicly despicable) as forsaking all others. Did your spouse deserve your A? NO NO NO... did you make a bad choice? YES YES YES....
BUT... did he leave you more open to temptation by breaking OTHER VOWS... probably...only YOU and HE know that for sure.
AGAIN... before they start attacking ME....let me make it perfectly CLEAR... YOUR HUSBAND DIDN'T CAUSE OR DESERVE YOUR "A" But... when you guys find out what needs your OM filled that your H DIDN'T fill... and as long as you ALLOW him to fill these needs and......
HAVE NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER WITH YOUR OM AT ALL EVEN IF HE IS ON FIRE... (LEAVE IT TO SOMEONE ELSE TO PUT HIM OUT!!) LOL...
You cannot EVER EVER EVER be friends with this man again...don't let him guilt you into ANY contact.... HE ALSO made a VERY bad choice and must BACK OFF...
My WW's OM used to guilt her into talking to him by threatening to jump off a bridge.... LET HEM JUMP if he makes THAT bad choice too.... Heck.... I offered to drive him to ANY bridge in the state!! LOL...
As for the OM, I posted earlier about how my situation happened. I had no feelings for anyone. There was not trying to guilt me back or anything like that. No contact was very easy for me--I didn't want to have any contact. So even though I got a couple emails and one text over a month after coming clean--my DH knew all about them and told me to ignore them--I did and deleted them. Then done--no more. I don't think anyone will contact me now. I only have one email account that is possible for contact and that is only because I can't close it. Anything that goes in there goes to an accountablity friend and she has said nothing (I don't go in there--don't care).
That is one reason this is hard to find the help, not everyone fits into a box. I have not read anything that fits our situation. ANYWAY... if you guys get into PROFESSIONAL counseling FAST (Go to your church or any church if money is a problem)I would suggest adding GOD to Harley anyway....
You will be on your way to a better marriage than you had even in the beginning. You will finally have the correct tools...
Good Luck and Prayers... FRANK
I do want to say that after all that went on this weekend w this post I was about to just leave and never come back here (my DH didn't want me to come back here). But I thought I would just check in case there were others that were helpful like Mrs. W. It seems there are more BS on here (IDK) but it is NOT helpful for them to come in and place their hurt on me for asking a question (which I did not word right the first time and then reworded).
Anyway, thank you for being kind and posting truth in a caring manner to me.
FWW-me(40)
DH-(41)
M-21 yrs
D-Day- 7/30/07
Kids don't know!
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develps perseverance."
James 1:2-3
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 25
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OP
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 25 |
OH... A COUPLE OF OTHER THINGS..
You may have withdrawal and actually miss your OM... This is pretty usual. Affairs are a kind of addiction. You might have been addicted to how your OM made you "feel". YOU DO HAVE TO BE FULLY ACCOUNTABLE TO YOUR H FOR A WHILE SO TRUST CAN GROW....
YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON...EVERYONE IS POTENTIALLY A WS (according to Harley's empty Love Bank concept) and the enemy's power. (God doesn't send soul mates to married people...someone does though....)
As for me being a bad person (my DH would love if I could get it through my head that I am not a bad person--another issue of mine that was there even before the A). We both have know for all our marriage we were humans and no one is exempt from being a WS. We used to talk about it when one of us was tempted--that always deflated the feelings.
Again thanks for you help and kindness in the truth. See people can express the truth in love (Biblically that is the way it is suppose to be and I didn't put love there except for the fact that is what the Bible says).
FWW-me(40)
DH-(41)
M-21 yrs
D-Day- 7/30/07
Kids don't know!
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develps perseverance."
James 1:2-3
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Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 1,018
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HI TL,
Like I said.. you really do have a good grasp on this...
I'm glad to hear there is no withdrawal.. that makes recovery a lot harder...
Sorry to hear about your addiction...any type is very difficult in a marriage. My SIL is a crack addict. (Clean for 8 months Praise God!!) He hid it well as he still ran his business and all that. Except for the 3 day disappearing act every few months we never would have know.
Anyway...he turned to the Lord for strength and was Baptized last week. He is becoming more and more the man God wants him to be. And the husband my daughter needs him to be. And the Father my precious grandsons deserve him to be...
So NOTHING is impossible with God! I'll add you and your family to my prayers... God Bless, In Christian Love Frank
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Oh my God Frank, is it really you? You might not remember me but i have thought of you and your wife often down through the years, we met on this board in 1999 i think. My name is Gabrielle and i am from Ireland, we used to keep in contact via email too, do you remember? I couldnt believe to see your username, i would love to know how you are, you can catch up with me over on my thread called IS THERE ANY HOPE FOR US. I dont know how to add the link to it.  Gabrielle xxx So sorry for hijacking the thread 
______________________________
Me 47
H 51
Married 23 years
2 kids S 20 and D 16
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