Husband and I had typical problems of married couples for the last couple years now. Been married 13 years together 18. I didn't realize how bad it was for him til he packed up and left 7 months ago. I have changed a great deal since and know that he would be very happy if he were to come home. He has OW who he works with and she has been around through out his work. He sees she is seeing other guys now behind his back but doesn't believe it. Says they are friends of hers b/c that's what she says. I know he doesn't trust her b/c he checks her phone records daily and keeps tabs on what shes doing. Says he has to catch her.

Anyway, he says he is trying to decide if he wants to come back or not. Personally I think he is waiting to see if it will work out between them two or not. Things between them two right now are not going well though. But he won't admit that. I feel he's cold to me b/c he tries to keep his feelings for me under wraps so as to not get my hopes up that he still feels for me. I know this b/c sometimes it comes out.

I have a hard time being happy around him b/c I am so sad about all of this and miss him so much. He is my soulmate and I love him more than anything. I try very hard b/c I know sad is unattractive and why would he want to come home to that. I do try to be supportive of him to help but it is very difficult. I have been doing Plan A a bit w/o realizing it but not fully. He isn't even moving towards filing for divorce.

Question is... Should I do Plan A fully or am I past that with him already moved out and move onto Plan B?? Need some help...I'm crushed!!! Thank you.

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First, Plan A for about 6 weeks. Show him that you are the better alternative. I know how hard it is, but just pretend that he is a sick drug addict.

Do you have kids together?

Have you exposed the affair to everyone?

Thank you. Yes we have a son who is 12 and grateful to have him as him and I almost died during my labor. The affair has been exposed to everyone either by me or through the grapevine as the OW has a big mouth and is spreading many lies around his work, which is where I have many, many friends from long before my husband started working there.
She went as far as to say he has already filed and the divorce is almost complete and they are engaged. All untrue. Everyone is behind me and most want us to reconcile. Some are still very angry with him but they could get past if we reconciled. But ultimately I am the one who has to get past and I know I can if we were to get back together.

It's funny you say to refer to him as a sick drug addict b/c I just said the other day to a close friend that he is a different person. I said it's like when someone hangs with the wrong crowd and gets mixed up in drugs. If you can get to them early enough you can save them and get them back. I referred to my H in the topic. I feel I can pull him out of the "drug environment"..

Thanks.

We often refer to them as aliens. Ever watch the movie "The Body Snatchers"? Same thing - they look the same, talk the same, but are COMPLETELY not the person we married.

Work on anything that he complained about before the affair. Make the changes you need to make.

yes I have worked on evrything he had an issue with. Such minimal things too that if he were more open before he left it would have helped. He's more of a hint dropper than being open and communicating. I have changed everything and he has even admitted he wished this were me before he left. I said I can't change the past but I have made our present and future better. He just needs to give it a chance and experience it to see the difference. But he isn't there for that.

It depends on whether he mentioned these things BEFORE the affair. Often waywards rewrite history. So I only hold stock in things that were problems before the affair.

He did mention things in his own way but I was so busy with everything going on in life I didn't realize like I do now. That is my regret. I also realize I am not the only one who caused this but that is all he wants to focus on right now in reguards to us. I just want him back no matter what it takes.

Hope you will read all about emotional needs here. There is a whole section. Men's top ones are usually sexual fulfillment, admiration and domestic support.

How were you on those?

Admiration and domestic supoort were 100% there. The sexual part was harder b/c I was unhappy with myself b/c I was overweight. I had started a diet 2 weeks before he left and have since lost 40 lbs with about 15 or so more to go. I guess it was too late but I do feel more attractive. I had tried to fix things but at that time he admits now that he put forth no effort to help with that then.

My wife mentioned a few issues before the affair. Totally fixable things and things I was willing to work on.

After the affair, I was the SOLE reason for her discontent. I was a controlling jerk who never respected her. I didn't feel like a controlling jerk, I felt like a loving, hard-working husband. I felt really content. I felt her disillusionment probably had more to do with motherhood and identity and depression and putting so much before the marriage on both our parts than me specifically. I did decide to listen to what she was saying, despite the new foggy perspective on her part. I think I identified many things which would have caused her to be frustrated about us. I set about correcting them in my Plan A. Funny thing though, when the fog finally cleared for a bit after she realized I was moving on, she started saying it was her issues with unhappiness and coping, and was all her fault. She's backslid a bit from that now, but if I press her, she'll still say the same thing. So, yes, waywards rewrite history, but pay attention to the kernel of truth that may be in there because even if it's a warped perspective on their part, it is their reality while they're in their fog. Don't change your values and your core person, but look deep inside and see where you could improve your behavior and your life. It will help you move forward a stronger person, in the marriage or out.

I know what you mean about the drug analogy. I feel like I barely know her right now. She's just shifted into this immature party animal workaholic. Constantly complaining about people who a a*sholes, road rage, drinking way too much, overly sexual at parties and bars - the list goes on. I know if this stuff doesn't change after awhile, I'm done.

I've done alot of soul searching about the things he has said and even though they were minor things (finances my looks arguing over little things etc.)I have changed and improved it all but to no avail. I'm so confused and don't know what to do. This OW has some power or something over him that he can't see past all of her BS she is dishing out. He's blind to it all. I need some suggestions on how to implement Plan A completely and being able to handle it emotionally. I have been having a rough time of late.

Miss,

Your story evoked strong memories in me. I KNOW how you feel, realizing that you missed those hints, but remember, if you'd both been into honesty and less into conflict avoidance, you would have heard each other. I hope you will get the chance to learn to be more open and direct in your communication. It was a real challenge for us, especially my FWH. Dishonesty can become a way of life...very hard to hold yourself to changing it.

What prompted me to post to you is your statement underlined above.

You have an obligation to yourself to rework the bad habits you developed over time. You sound willing to change everything to win him back, but I want to warn you:

Only the changes you make to become more of the person you want to be, for YOU, will allow you to make them genuine and lasting. Don't try to erase your whole personality; just fix what's broken.

Remember how you treated him when you first fell in love (meeting his emotional needs). Do those things again, clarifying them so your target is dead-on. Read His Needs Her Needs if you haven't already. That explains it thoroughly.

If you picked up the bad habits of dissing him (disrespectful judgments) to his face or in your head, talking harshly to him (angry outbursts), making demands instead of requests, and going about your business as though he wasn't the most important thing in your life (independent behavior), YES! Change those things. These are insidious behaviors we selfishly dump on each other that make us fall out of love. Read Love Busters, also by Dr. Harley, for a good explanation of how we mess up in these ways.

If you hope to reconcile, you must become again the woman he fell in love with, but that doesn't mean turning yourself into a doormat for him. The changes you're making now must truly be self improvements that you genuinely believe you should make anyway.

You do NOT want him back if you have to give up the good, true and honest parts of who you are--only make those changes that will make you more of who you want to be!

When you're feeling desperate, it's hard to tell the difference. I struggled with this myself, and I see you may feel ready to sell yourself out. Don't.

Right Here Waiting

I wish I'd thought to phrase what I was saying like ZenWolf did.
It's more succinct:

Don't change your values and your core person, but look deep inside and see where you could improve your behavior and your life.

And pay no attention to what he says is wrong with you while he's entrenched in an affair. Till he breaks free of his addiction to her, nothing he says is valid.

As you're examining yourself, don't be too harsh. Just see what really makes sense to change and work on that. Most important of all is to find a way to CALM yourself. Apart from OW, your own anxiety is your worst enemy.

Right Here Waiting

Right Here Waiting--- I know exactly what you are saying but I am thinking clearly. All of the things I have changed are things that he wanted but they are also improvements that are good for me and my future no matter what happens. I wasn't a bad person. I just tried to help too many family members and got stretched in too many directions. My H even says I have a very big heart but that hurts me alot of times too. I am now the person he fell in love with which he can see but she tells him it's fake and she is what he truly wants. You could only fake for so long It's been 7 months and I certainly am not faking anything except a smile when I see him. Only b/c of my sadness. Who wants to be around a downer.

Yeah, my wife has a really tough time with my tears so for now, I keep them to myself whenever I can.

So. Feel confident that you are doing your best. His actions have NOTHING to do with you right now. You've given him open arms to return to, now it's his choice.

It's YOUR choice to move on with your life. For me, it just took enough false starts to lose enough love that I was ready. It gave me a sense of relief! Single Dad sounded kinda cool. Sitting around pining for them does nothing but eat away at you (helps with weight loss though). Start moving on. Leave the door open for him, but don't constantly check the door. Check on your needs and what the next good thing in your life will be. You will survive this, and if you keep working on YOU, you'll THRIVE in the end. When you simply cannot do the current Plan A anymore, look closely at Plan B, or figure out if you want to just move on.

This will get better!!!

ZenWolf---- Thankyou for the encouraging words. That is the exact thing I am having the hardest trouble with. I am so afraid he will just forget about me. It hurts. I have been to counseling and I do not think we have very good couselors around here. I do wait for him and I know that is not what I should do. When he is out with her or his new friends it just kills me. A whole new life I'm not a part of. We have always had great friends. Now it is partying and drinking friends. H has a heart condition at a young age and this drinking and smoking is not good. Not heavy drinking but to me more than it should be. All I do is worry. He use to just casual drink few beers after a ball game stuff like that. Now he drives after it too b/c she wants to go places. I'm afraid for him.

He's just trying to bury his problems. My wife had been pretty out of control during this. She's still drinking too much, but it's mostly with me around now that she's home, so at least she won't get in trouble. You might try calling Dr. Harley. It's expensive but I think some of the best advice if you want to continue to try to save the marriage.

I had that fear too - that my wife would just lose herself in her rationalizations and that would be her new reality. That's how many people deal with problems. It might be what happens. You just simply can't control it. You can control your actions. You can control your emotions too, which gets easier the mroe you do it. Don't lower your standards for the marriage. Don't agree with the rationalizations.

Argh, I feel for you. This is so agonizing. Just start taking care of you. It's your turn.

Glad to hear you are thinking rationally. Your "at any cost" comment sent up a red flag.

You're still a little foggy, though. Do not think he will "forget" about you. His behavior shows that he's not thinking about you so much as about himself, but that's not the same thing. All is not lost.

Sorry your counseling experience hasn't been fruitful. There are SO many of them who haven't the first clue how to deal with infidelity--unless you're looking for a divorce. They'll help you with that.

Could you swing just one or two sessions with the MB coaching team? This is ALL they do, and they're very good at giving people their best shot at ending affairs and recovering marriages. They give you concrete advice...not blah blah. Once I got my H to talk to them, it took only two sessions before he made the first move home. What have you got to lose that you haven't lost already? He might not be ready to talk to them yet, but YOU can get some good advice on what you should do in the interim.

Pulling for you.

Right Here Waiting

Thank you is that the coaching center? $195 for the almost 1 hour. I am very new to the site just today so I'm still learning the site. I do try very hard but the forgetting thing is my issue and fear.

I do believe he is still undecided b/c she has been pushing divorce since Nov. and he gets angry and tells her if he's gonna do it he'll do it when he's ready no matter how long it takes.

He's made the comment to me that he didn't realize that I truly loved him this much so I think that threw him back a little and made him think it might work with us but he is undecided.

I just want the good man I fell in love with to be aound again.