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also wanted to say that I did NOT give the OWH my husbands phone number--his wife already had it. I want to tell you that the OWH was very thankful to me for letting him know (in such a weird way) & he also had his wife (the OW) call & tell me how sorry she was for lying to my face & denying everything while I was standing right in front of her--also for screaming at me & threatening to call the police on me...also for shoving her finger in my face (ya--it was that crazy) He also told my husband he was very sorry as well-- The OWH sounds like a guy she should try & hold on to. I told her good luck as they do have a young daughter & I hope this never happens again.
That is all I have for now---I am so drained & pretty much an emotional wreck. Like I said, we will see what happens tomorrow..thanks again.
JGirl
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Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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btw- The OWH called me after I returned his death threats call requesting that I allow him to let the OW appologize to my wife. He wanted to do this because I called him back and appologized to him first.
Before anyone here believes this, we must first let Mel the all knowing make sure it's not a lie..
What a joke...
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btw- The OWH called me after I returned his death threats call requesting that I allow him to let the OW appologize to my wife. He wanted to do this because I called him back and appologized to him first.
Before anyone here believes this, we must first let Mel the all knowing make sure it's not a lie..
What a joke... Dazed - shooting at the helicopters is not going to help you here. You are going to be very embarassed at your tantrum here in a few weeks.
Last edited by bigkahuna; 03/01/09 11:38 PM.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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HI JGIRL, I'm sorry for your pain.. I know it's tough... You won't remember my MB name but we spoke on the phone a few years ago. I just wanted to let you know that Dazed called me about a week ago to talk about this situation. We had spoken for many hours while he was the BS. He called me VERY embarrassed, VERY humble and VERY angry at himself for the mistake he made. He was wanting to find out the best way handle the no-contact and the best way to ease your pain. No one knew better than Dazed what he needed to do. But he was wise enough to know that he may be a little too close to the situation to make good choices. He also knew he would get flamed here. We've been talking over the last week and I can assure you that the A was more a bad judgement call as he was pursued and under the influence of a little too much alcohol and a little too little self esteem. He is TOTALLY committed to you again jgirl and I'm confident that if you guys spend your energy on finding the needs EACH of you need filled by the other you will have a Marriage better than you ever thought possible.  You can safely put down the weapons of "expose" and destroy.  he war is over.  Concentrate on recovery. I've never been a fan of the "expose" tactic myself and neither was Dased. He was bullied into it and never felt very good about it. I know you remember how bad it made you feel. It hurt him to see you hurt. So.. relax... you don't have to tell everyone from the family to the paper boy about the A.  Spend your energy on something productive in your marriage..that takes enough energy on it's own. :crosseyedcrazy: I also having been though this wished I had never told certain members of my family because they chose my side and hated my WW. This made our recovery much harder. We were over it but THEY WEREN'T!! So think about how many people you want to "unravel" when you guys are way down the recovery road. If you haven't told you wonderful daughter DON'T.. She doesn't "deserve" to know as many will tell you here. She deserves to be a KID....and is too young even at her age to totally digest it without therapy... and if she picks a side... you will be unraveling her down the road too. Dazed called me...if he was TOTALLY in a fog I'm the LAST guy he would have called. He knows where I stand. If he didn't call...I had no way of finding out. He wanted out...and HE IS OUT!! Good Luck and Prayers  Frank
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Dazed...
BK is right, you are gonna be terribly embarrassed by your words here in the coming weeks...take some deep breaths, slow down and get a good night's sleep...
Realize that the people posting to you and Jgirl have nothing but the best interests of your marriage at heart...Really...
If you want something to do, click on my name, go back and read my first foggy posts here and realize that yours have been just as bad...
Lay down arms, Dazed and allow people here to guide you...
Remember that recovery takes a humble heart...
You guys have had a long day...Go hug your wife and relax...
Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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BK- Maybe your a bit presumptous, but I appreciate your tone.
Thank you
Also, I owe a big thank you to everyone who took their time to post. Atleast entertainment all around... I am sure some mutal respect loss as well... No worries.. Atleast we all know where we stand, right?
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hmmm, that sounds like a FISH STORY if I ever heard one! "hey wife, you don't have to call the OWH! He knows!! He just called me and gave me death threats! So don't bother calling and exposing me to the OWH!"
dat is some good bullcrap I think you owe Dased an apology now that jgirl confirmed what he said. It takes a lot of courage to come here as a WS with all the LOVE you guys show... Let's be CONSTRUCTIVE....not DESTRUCTIVE here and help these two out with their RECOVERY..  Good Luck and Prayers Frank
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O_M_G!!
No one has said he should do any further exposure except to his daughter and OW'sH.
Hardly the paper boy.
Frank if you have spoken to him and are unable to see how foggy he is as evidenced by what he has written here then I would seriously question your judgement even without all the other NON MB advice you have spewed. Maybe you should set up your own site so poor babies like Dazed can spew their fog without getting flamed.
How many marriages did you say you'd saved?
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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hmmm, that sounds like a FISH STORY if I ever heard one! "hey wife, you don't have to call the OWH! He knows!! He just called me and gave me death threats! So don't bother calling and exposing me to the OWH!"
dat is some good bullcrap I think you owe Dased an apology now that jgirl confirmed what he said. It takes a lot of courage to come here as a WS with all the LOVE you guys show... Let's be CONSTRUCTIVE....not DESTRUCTIVE here and help these two out with their RECOVERY.. Oh no, he is not owed an apology for the automatic distrust of the "word" of a fogged out wayward. He does not deserve the benefit of the doubt. There is good and ample reason to distrust every word out of his mouth and that is a result of HIS OWN BEHAVIOR. Everything a WS utters is a LIE until proven otherwise. period. Rather, he owes his wife and the good folks here an apology for his destructive behavior that led to this distrust. No one here has any reason to trust a word out of his mouth. And that is because of his behavior and nothing else. It does not take "courage" to come here and spin the folks on this board, that is ridiculous balderdash. It would be IRRATIONAL to trust the "word" of a foggged out wayward. So, lets try and be RATIONAL here, buddy. The only one here who is "destructive" is the WS, not the posters who rightly question every word out of his mouth.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I've never been a fan of the "expose" tactic myself and neither was Dased. He was bullied into it and never felt very good about it. I know you remember how bad it made you feel. It hurt him to see you hurt. Frank, just an FYI, but did you know that Dr. Harley is a "fan" of the exposure "tactic?" Yes, he is. And he happens to be the founder of Marriage Builders and the author of several excellent books on marital recovery. I believe he has a saved a marriage or two over the years. He calls exposure the "beginning of recovery." And thats exactly what JGirl did today. She gave her marriage the best chance by telling the OWH. Let's look at a post he made 11-18-08: "I'm in the process of rewriting "Surviving an Affair" to add information about plan B. Some of the main points are as follows:
Whether in plan A or B, the world should know about your husband's affair. All of your relatives, your friends, your children, and the licensing board for your husband's lover. In some states a licensing board will revoke a license if a counselor is having an affair with a married person, client or not. This is because it's well known that affairs hurt families, especially children. And counselors know better than to have an affair.
The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is.
<snip unrelated>
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Frank if you have spoken to him and are unable to see how foggy he is as evidenced by what he has written here then I would seriously question your judgement even without all the other NON MB advice you have spewed. Maybe you should set up your own site so poor babies like Dazed can spew their fog without getting flamed.
How many marriages did you say you'd saved? First of all BK I would NEVER be arrogant enough to even DREAM I saved even ONE marriage. The only one saving any marriages that I KNOW of is Almighty God....And NEVER would I be as arrogant to think I saved any marriages by simply regurgitating  someone ELSES principals (Harley's) and then take the credit. Now that I've defended myself from your rude attack... back to Dazed... he was ABLE to be humble talking to me because I DIDN'T flame him. I'm not coddling him...but I know it's not a type of person that has an affair. It's a person in a certain type of situation. AND... he called me.... fogged out people generally don't call someone that will tell them to STOP the A they tend to seek the people that will SUPPORT it...DON'T THEY.. :RollieEyes:and they rarely come here and stick while being flamed... You BOLDLY called him a liar.. HE KNEW he wasn't now YOU KNOW he isn't be a MAN and apoligise...that's all then MAYBE you'll have a furtile mind to work with instead of FLAMING and puting him in J-U-S-T-I-F-I-C-A-T-I-O-N mode... AS for not knowing Harley's principals....I could never find the section where he suggests EXPOSER could you post a link for me? Also... the link to the part about telling CHILDREN??? Good Luck and Prayers... Frank
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If you haven't told you wonderful daughter DON'T.. She doesn't "deserve" to know as many will tell you here. She deserves to be a KID....and is too young even at her age to totally digest it without therapy... and if she picks a side... you will be unraveling her down the road too. I guess that "many" would include Dr. Harley. Let's see what he has to say about that: The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight. here 2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under) Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse). His post to another lady who asked if she should tell her 10 year old son: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is. Right... in extreme cases I'm sure.. we'll see what Harley writes... but based on his Plan "A" I doubt he would print flyers for a spouse that. 1) Is in the home 2) Is repentant and reveiled the A to the spouse 3) Has ALREADY sat down with BS and ALREADY wrote the no-contact letter (IT WAS HIS IDEA...!!!!!!!!!) In a case where the BS is away etc...etc... in this case it just seems like more dirt to clean after.... And ML... BSs are people not things...Love is the best cure for hate... GOOD LUCK AND PRAYERS FRANK
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First of all BK I would NEVER be arrogant enough to even DREAM I saved even ONE marriage. The only one saving any marriages that I KNOW of is Almighty God....And NEVER would I be as arrogant to think I saved any marriages by simply
regurgitating someone ELSES principals (Harley's) and then take the credit. I see. But you feel very qualified to contradict Dr. Harley on his own board with your disapproval of his "tactics." What exactly are your credentials?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is. Right... in extreme cases I'm sure.. we'll see what Harley writes... but based on his Plan "A" I doubt he would print flyers for a spouse that. I have no idea what you mean since no one has ever suggested "printing fliers," however, you can read Dr. Harleys words yourself. What his wife did today was an act of love exposing the affair to the OWH. What his wife did today was a foundational MARRIAGE BUILDERS concept that will serve to RECOVER THE MARRIAGE. Did you read what Dr.Harley wrote, Frank? "Now I know that for most couples it [EXPOSURE] marks the beginning of recovery."Keeping the secret, as you are suggesting, is not an act of love, but an act of ENABLING. That ain't "love," friend.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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exactly are your credentials? Been here 2 years longer than you...  What are yours? And this is the last of this.. this is JGIRL's Thread and this isn't helping.... In the old days it was kinder here...We WELCOMED WSs because it was better that they talked to US not the "World" We only flamed the really UNREPENTANT ones.... Things change...
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oops! hit submit too early! reposted
Last edited by MelodyLane; 03/02/09 12:48 AM.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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i have no qualfications at all. I am only qualified to sell soft drinks. So we are equally qualified caring people that are actually on the same team then....We ALL care about marriage... that's why we're here... same team...same team....
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exactly are your credentials? Been here 2 years longer than you... What are yours? I have no qualfications at all. I am only qualified to sell soft drinks. THAT IS WHY I QUOTE DR. HARLEY, WHO IS QUALIFED. So, again, what are your qualifications to CONTRADICT HIM? In the old days it was kinder here...We WELCOMED WSs because it was better that they talked to US not the "World"
We only flamed the really UNREPENTANT ones....
Things change... That is not quite honest. First off, we WELCOME the repentant WS's NOW. [dazed is hardly "repentant"] You did not flame the unrepentant ones in the olden days, you coddled them. So yes, it was a "kinder" place for THEM. But not for betrayed spouse. When I got here in the "olden" days, the only ones who were FLAMED were BETRAYED SPOUSES. BS's were chastised and told they were "lovebusting" if they exposed the affairs or made any "disrespectful judgments" about adultery. They were quickly shouted down and shamed if they said anything truthful about the ugliness of adultery. They were openly attacked by emboldened, entitled WS's and no one defended them. It was quite sickening actually. I happened to be the beneficiary of some of those attacks when I was brand new here.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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