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frown


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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"Throuh everything I have stayed in the house by yourside even when asked to leave and go be with the OW."

I don't get this. Was he planning to move in with OW, her husband and 2 year old?

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well I am sorry to read that my husband is not going to post here anymore as I know at one time he found it very helpful.
I dont need to write about all the things I found, but it was much more than a list of songs, if you remember correctly mr. F--it was 2 pages of valentine gift ideas for "how to spend Valentines day w/ your long distance lover" & so on-it does not even matter anyway what you sent her or what she gave you or what I found or how I found out or if you came clean or when I knew the truth or whatever!!! Yes, I was mad!! I told you not to wear your ring at that point because you were not acting like my husband--I also gave it back the next day & cried when you no longer wanted to wear it anymore.

The deal is---I dont even care about all that anymore--I told you a long time ago that I forgave you--& I did & I do..I just want my husband back--the guy that I know, not the lifeless sad depressed guy I have now--believe me, I know it takes time to get back to being yourself....so I will wait. I will still read these posts as they have been helpful to me. I hope my life can move on one way or another--living in this weird limbo sucks but I guess I deserve all I get so I will swallow it down & take it.
I dont know what else to say except thanks again. I will keep trying. Later--

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"I hope my life can move on one way or another--living in this weird limbo sucks but I guess I deserve all I get so I will swallow it down & take it."

Really, I don't think you DESERVE all you get. Time to follow Mrs. W's lead, and turn your past sin into a blessing. She has helped thousands of folks here.

You have taken action to protect your marriage, and the marriage of the OW. Please have trust that you are doing the right things.

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Dazed, perhaps you are on the right track NOW, but if yesterday's posts are any indication, you are a long way off. Going through motions when caught red handed, after lying for months, hardly reflects real remorse. Your true mentality was demonstrated loud and clear on this forum yesterday when you tried to manipulate your wife into keeping your secret from the OWH.

For you to try and OBSTRUCT exposure to the OWH reflects a very wayward mentality that is focused on escaping the consequences. And to even go so far to manipulate her into keeping your secret by threatening to LEAVE HER is hardly an indicator of someone who is repentant, much less being honest. Avoiding the consequences of your actions is very wayward behavior. I can see why you cling to an enabler given your state of mind. He is the only one who CAN'T see that you are very fogbound.

Anyone who doesn't point that out to you is not your SUPPORTER, but your ENABLER. And folks here [most of us anyway, there are always the few useful idiots] are not going to ENABLE you.

I hope that you can hook up with more clearheaded members who offer real support, such as Mortarman, MrsW, MrW. They will not tell you what you WANT TO HEAR, but what you NEED TO HEAR. Because they are a REAL FRIEND to your marriage. [some of us have put the word out to Mortarman, btw]

I do wish you well, Dazed. I really do, and I hope one day you can see that when the fog wears off. And may God help your enablers if you ever wake up. You will not remember them fondly, I promise you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by jgirl123
well I am sorry to read that my husband is not going to post here anymore as I know at one time he found it very helpful.

JGirl, really it is best that he not post here when his mind is so fogbound and wayward. He is leaving because bullcrap has a short shelf life here and he knows it won't work here. In his state of mind he seeks ENABLERS, not those who would tell him what he doesn't want to hear. We can help you much better if he is not HERE spewing his fogbabble and interfering with your progress.

I am concerned that he is surrounding himself with ENABLERS offline, rather than folks who care enough to tell him what he needs to hear. Some of us have put the word out to Mortarman and I hope he will listen to him if he calls.

And there is no way that you "deserve" his affair. You paid for your crime in full and did not ask for his.

My biggest concern is that it seems he works with the OW? Is that the case?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by mr_fallenhero
Each time attempting to come clean, there would be some kind of vengful and emotional out burst.

Interesting - your BW got upset when she found out about your adultery. Who would have thought? wink

Originally Posted by mr_fallenhero
Each time I have been openly honest the truth couldn't be handled.

Maybe you should have been openly honest the FIRST time, so there would not have been subsequent "times"...


Originally Posted by mr_fallenhero
Love is patient, kind, caring, and without demands.

You mean, demands like "don't tell the OWH or I will end the M!"?


Originally Posted by mr_fallenhero
As of this point, I am no longer going to participate in this kangaroo courtroom of a website.

That's of course your choice to make. To me, the first thought that went through my mind was " that sounds like typical WS-Speak". WS's do have a tendency to blame the results of their bad choices and poor behaviour on other people, after all. In any case, I do wish you and your BW well in your recovery.





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Melody - As I recall, he works for the same company as OW, but in a different state. My concern is that she needs support offline because although Hero says he is done, I imagine he will keep reading her posts.

I really hope that she will contact Mrs. W so she can develop a plan to recover the marriage.

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answering the question --(does he work w/ her)--she works at same company but in another state, they do not have to communicate in order to do their jobs (that is what he told me) --they met for the first time while they were both at the same training seminar in TX for about a week & 1/2 but had communicated about work stuff before they actually met in person.

JGirl~

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Thanks JGirl. That could be a problem. How does he plan on preventing contact at seminars in the future?

And I think believer has a good point about your H reading your threads here. Yesterday, he spent a good part of the day arguing and debating with those who were trying to help you. You aren't going to get far if you have to deal with that every day. Could you get in touch with MrsW?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I hate to break it to you, JGirl, but just because they have no reason to contact each other for their jobs, doesn't mean they won't. I know, because my FOM and I live 2000 miles away and we communicated via company IM (safe stuff but with code words and sometimes innuendo) and company email and my H would never know even if he wanted to. Even after we went NC, I'd see FOM copied on company emails and see when he'd log into company IM, so while he and I weren't communicating directly, I was being triggered left and right, wondering if he was feeling the same rush of emotions when he saw my name as I was having with his.

The economy is tough and I know no one wants to leave their job. But since your WH and OW were able to grow their infidelity even though they're in different states, don't think they can't continue it either. I'll take him at his word that NC is being maintained, but even just seeing her name on a memo can do things that may lead him to reach out, "just to see how she's doing." Ideally he'll leave the job. If not, be very very cautious.

Another thing... You two are communicating through this thread. To each his or her own, but something to consider... If you find it easier to communicate right now electronically and through written word (my H was that way post D-day), send emails to each other and don't argue through MB. While reading your H's responses here lends insight to his thinking that MB folks will find interesting, having him post here feels like it's really distracting you. If you don't want him doing so, ask him to leave it be and post on his own thread that he started last week. He can communicate to you directly through email, Skype, journaling, (goodness forbid) talking, or a myriad of other ways.

Take care, JG.


Me (FWW): 45
BH: 46
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PA: 2/08 (4 mos)
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I have been scared of the IM because I know they do have that at his work. As far as him leaving his job--he has worked there for about 12 yrs--she has worked there for about a year. He started working for the company when she was only 15 years old, so I guess I feel like she needs to be the one to quit.
I have also emailed Mrs W, so hopefully I can start tt her about all this & try & get more help.

Thanks-

J~

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And also sorry to have to go there but... Have either your H or you been tested recently for STDs? Your WH should do this. If he agrees, you go with him and you get to review the results as well. If he doesn't agree to do this soon, go get yourself checked. Please.

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So glad you have hooked up with Mrs. W. I promise you that she can help you formulate a plan.

It is not safe for you to develop plans here, because hubby may be reading.

But hope you will stick around for support.

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***edit***

Last edited by Maverick_mb; 03/02/09 12:15 PM. Reason: personal attack
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Please keep posts helpful and respectful. Personal attacks are NOT ok.

Thank you.

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***edit***

Last edited by Maverick_mb; 03/02/09 02:10 PM. Reason: derision of the mods - email the moderators if you have questions or comments about edits
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Jgirl...your H is WAY foggy. Wow, I'm still not sure if I can see through it all.

Some of his comments were just plain funny they were so insanely wayward in thinking.

You did good with exposure, it's the only way to go. WS's NEVER like exposure and his responses are no different than any other WS's. My H didn't like it either though he certainly didn't threaten to leave or end the M if I exposed. Deep down i believe he knew it was the only way to REALLY end it.

<shrug> Each wayward is a little different however.

Hang in there and stick around if you want some really good help and advice. And honestly, I'd just ignore people like ***edit***, unless you want to accept crumbs from your H and you are ok with a ho-hum recovery.

The Wonderings, Mel, Big K and others like them have all helped me TREMENDOUSLY and I am in a recovering M with VERY high standards set. Sure, I could have settled for less but I have been through too much to do that...I don't want an "ok" marriage at this point. I want one where nothing less than the very best is what we strive for.

(((hugs)))

Last edited by Maverick_mb; 03/02/09 02:16 PM. Reason: editing name

Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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***edit***

Last edited by Maverick_mb; 03/02/09 02:11 PM. Reason: editing quote and reference to it

Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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***edit***

Last edited by Maverick_mb; 03/02/09 02:13 PM. Reason: let the mods do their jobs please
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