Aussies (my husband) understanding of the bible

In the beginning..............

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the second Day.
On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.
On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.
On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.
On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.
On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good. well almost good. God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas (women) - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie and look after blokes. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody great! IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!

And nothing has changed from that day to this .... RollieEyes:

I am NOT making this up.

There is a pet product called, I kid you not, "Neuticles".

from Neuticles: Testicular Implantation for Pets :

Ooooookaaaaaayyyyyy...

So here's another something I just saw online (my inner dialogue is in red):

AW, Aussie sure seems fixated on Barbie.

Here's a great symphonic work to brighten your day!
I thought this was great

stuck car, some bad language
budlite ad

bad xmas pressie choices

a slightly late xmas funny

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.



This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.



The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your
newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable
and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that
it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up
and have a nice day!

If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.

A local priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his best friend's wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled.

"But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and said: "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, never, NEVER-EVER be late.

A king was quite concerned about a decision he had just made, so much so that went to his chief advisor to ask his opinion of it.

"Yeah, I'd say it's your worst decision yet," the plain-talking advisor replied.

Confused, the king asked, "Yet?"

To which the advisor replied, "Well, it's not so bad that I think you're incapable of making a worse decision."

The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:- "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CAN NOT go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.


On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store .

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was
nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to
'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read
the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing yo u. I had to elope with my
new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Karon and she is so nice. But I knew you
would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle
clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the
passion...Dad she's pregnant.


Karon said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole
winter.
We share a d ream of having many more children. Karon has opened my eyes to the
fac t that marijuan a does n't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for
ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and
ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Karon can get better.

She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure
that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to
remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my
center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home .

Best Craigslist ad EVER!

NINJA HAULER: 2005 Nissan Xterra - $12,900 (Ronan/Lake County)

OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women) . My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck . It is just that manly .

It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on . It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things . No, that's what your Prius is for . If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now . I mean it . Just stop .

This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis . They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what On Star is) .

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need . It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops . It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery . It even has a first-aid kit in the back . You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself . The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time . It's saved my bacon more than once .

It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes . There's a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun . I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man .

My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I'll entertain reasonable offers . And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it . That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab . Would it hurt? Hell yeah . Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore .

There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass . Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name . It will live on as a monument to your machismo .

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see . If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me . I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you . And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash .

To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants . Yeah, you heard me . FREE MC Hammer pants .

Rock on .

Stimulus Payment Information

This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-
definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.

And none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

13 Things PMS Stands For:


1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
and my favourite one:
13. Potential Murder Suspect


And remember: Money talks but Chocolate SINGS !!!

The Tomato Garden



An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:



Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old

days.

Love, Papa



A few days later he received a letter from his son:



Dear Pop,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie



At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.



That same day the old man received another letter from his son:



Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you, Vinnie

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, 'Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blond.'

'Now we have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman.
It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.'

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out & find hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car,
sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black-and-white TV.

Cinderella....


6 Facts of Life

1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.
















2. All idiots, after reading the first fact, will try it.






3. And discover that The first "fact" is false.






4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.









5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.







6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.



I apologize about this

I'm an idiot and I needed company ...

For anyone that loved the original show "Yo momma":

Yo momma is sooooo stupid...she took the Pepsi Challenge and picked Jiffy.

Yo momma is sooooo stupid...she got fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job.

In the morning, it is supposed to be about 40 degrees and raining. It will feel like it's about 30 degrees. Group training is scheduled for 7 miles at 7 a.m. Does anyone see a problem with that?

bought a great new toilet seat recently.

On the label was a suggestion on how to clean it.

Although nice to have the option, I doubt I'll take advantage of it.

My toilet seat, it seems, is "Dishwasher Safe."