I'm feeling scared. I'm afraid that the excitement is over in my marriage and only after two years. Granted we've been together for 7. But its like he's so wrapped up in himself that he doesn't even know who I am any more. We go through these "dry spells" I guess you could call them every so often where its like I don't know what the hell is going on. I get the feeling that he's cheating on me, I get the feeling that he is no longer attracted to me, I even get the feeling he's no longer in love with me. He used to be so sweet and romantic and now he's cold and distant. We used to enjoy snuggling on the couch or just holding hands, now its just awkward. We used to kiss all the time, now I have to practically beg for a kiss. Well that might be a slight exaggeration, but only slight. I have wondered if I am not womanly enough, so I've tried to look nice wearing make-up and all for when he comes home from work. He doesn't notice anything, well if he does, he doesn't say anything. I know it sounds like I'm being needy, but I can't help it. I'm only 25, I'm a stay at home mom, and I have lots of anger issues, but mostly I just want to be happy. I don't know if I am sabotaging things myself, because I'm afraid of being too happy. I don't know what is going on, I just know that I love my husband, and I don't want to destroy my family.

I am a very emotional type person. I enjoy being comforted and cuddled and complimented. I need to be kissed and romanced, but I don't get any of that. At least I haven't in almost a year. My husband says that since I had my son I'm a completely different person. That he noticed my attitude and anger problems getting worse every year. I saw a counselor last year and before they moved offices my counselor told me that I had made so much progress that I no longer needed to come in. I know that I still have issues I won't deny that, but it seems that he's using my issues as excuses not to get close to me.

And that is the main problem. I'm gonna let you all comment on that before I add the rest.

Have a look at my answer to Bianca.

My generation has a lot to answer for.

You are very, very young. Your H is now a father and feels that responsibilty very heavily. Do you even know how he feels about being a father? It's a whole different ball game for him. He feels that he now has a family to look after and provide for. That's serious stuff for a young man.

I'm sure he'd love to kiss you and cuddle you, but you're now a MOM and he's not sure how mom's behave. Are mom's sexy? Do they want cuddles and affection and wild sex or do they want to just look after the baby?

Can you talk to him? You really need to ask him about how he feels about being a father. I bet he's scared and feels a huge responsibilty for you both. I bet he'd love to have more fun but he's afraid that the baby comes first and you don't want to have "fun" any more. It's all so serious and responsible being parents that "you and him" forget to exist.

You're looking in the wrong place GL. You're looking for the part of you that was young and free and didn't have a young baby to look after. Of course the man from your past, when you didn't have diapers and feedings and baby sick to deal with, is going to look like fun. It's your freedom and your carefree years that you're looking for. It's not the "man".

You need to reconnect with the real man who matters - your H. You married him, you didn't marry the old flame. He's the father of your child and he deserves to have a woman who is going to care about him.

Practically, you need to get out with your H. Get a sitter, dress up, go out, get sexy, don't wear panties and tell him half way through dinner that you're not wearing panties.. Play with him with your foot under the table. Have an A with HIM.

Y'know he probably sees his friends/co workers of the same age going out to bars and hooking up with different girls and I bet he feels the same as you do. "I'm young and I now have a family and I have to be serious and responsible. This is it - all our fun times are over."

You don't have to be serious and responsible (well, yes you do you are parents lol) but you can still have so much fun as a family now. You musn't forget you are a couple, not just parents. The answer is NOT to look back at your free times - it's to move forward as a united family.

Hi Goddess,

hey calm down after reading your post am breathless myself u seem to have tangled urself up in so many worries and tensions and i bet you don't have space for more than ur baby gives you

I can perfectly understand your dilema as am goign through it myself..i have been married for 1 1/2 year and have knowm my huby for 7 years and we have a 4 months old baby girl. in a way your husband is rigth because after kids we mothers do change a bit as our attention is diverted for example in the middle of a kiss when my baby cries i immediately pull away and go to her and thats somethign my hubby has also pointed out to me that my attention is diverted and men generally don't adjust with teh fact that we have a kid now with us they need to have our full attention the way it was before and at times it makes you feel as if you have 2 babies...there have been dry spells between us too at times i wonder the same thing that he is no longer interested in me or he has started objecting on everythign i do and he never seems to be happy with wtever i do...but fortunately our dry spells get wet pretty soon...

In your situation there is a communication gap between you too may be he is having some problem at his work place , may be he is missing you as much and wants you to give him a bit more attention (which is really hard i know )sit with him and talk it through and then make some effort to change the routines you are following once in a while go out to dinner or plan some outing with him leaving teh baby home or something just break this routine and the ice will break himself don't let it go ..

All the best.

mignonette, you know something. 4 month old babies suddenly become toddlers, then teenagers, then they get married like my DD.

Never, never, never forget that you and your H are the primary people in your family.

You and he will be there when the kids have gone off to college, or even when they're teenagers and their friends mean more than you do.

Yes, moms are distracted and put their babies first. It's natural and the way it's meant to be - but never forget that your H is as important as the baby. He's feeling just as insecure, just as responsible, just as tied. He needs to know that's he still means something to you - he wasn't just a sperm donor.

Kids grow up and leave home (some sooner rather than later ) and its going to be the H and W alone... together...

When my girls were babies I sonetimes neglected Flick. Now he is my number one focus. He's going to be the one thats there when I'm old and decrepit and dribbling into my soup

Th girls would just stick me into a home for the bewildered lol!

Posted on Bianca's thread so just posting here as well-

Bianca & Lacey, hi girls you are a bit older than me but only a few years, M is not easy is it and why didn't anyone tell me??? \:D

I've been M for around 12 months but only had my DH around for 2 periods over the 12 months - 10 days for the honeymoon and then from a few days before Xmas to Feb when he was deployed AGAIN.

Its so easy to loose focus on your M and wondering when or what if's is a natural trap. I am afraid I party a bit with the band I'm in while my H is away, not a great way to cope I guess, so I'm being pretty careful about where and when and with who, if girlfriends are not around its a no no. Because I could give out the wrong message even if nothing happened at all to my H. So I am working on that. Its a compensation thing.

Some of the stuff I found here is great for ensuring you keep a wonderful M. It is mostly so much common sense which when you read some situations on the forum here is not so common apparently.

Its can be as simple as not doing ANYTHING that you would not do in front of your H

Keep your mind and thoughts focused on YOUR M, its just so great to do something for him which he may not even know you have done or brings a smile to his face, simple things from buying his brand of cola or cooking food he likes. The opportunities are endless.

And you know what? It may sound strange but not expecting anything in return is actually some fun too. Now I am not saying your needs we speak about on MB should not be met but rather more mundane matters where I'll do this if you do that for me. Its giving with love.

Spend at the very least 15 hours ALONE with your H a week doing whatever TOGETHER, fun stuff, leave the bubs at mums or when they are asleep, set that time apart just for you two, an hour here or there is so important, man I treasure those times, because they have to last me for months and months.

NEVER NEVER allow another man to fill your love bank - read about what that is here on MB - by meeting your needs for conversation or listening or whatever they are. THAT'S what you get your H to do. HE needs to know you need those things. Even if he thinks its 'girlie stuff' yeah been there.
And also know that YOUR needs may change after a bubs or time whatever, your H also has to be aware of this.

YOU are both so lucky to find this place before you have to dig yourselves out of an affair and perhaps face a divorce. I found out about it from my mum who sadly did have an affair and it nearly broke her and our family. IT IS NOT FUN it stinking hurts.

If your M is getting you down or you are feeling left out maybe you should try to get your H to a MB weekend. Many very experienced posters here have been to them and say they are a Godsend. READ their stories please please before you even think about following your wandering thoughts.

It seems like I have this sign on my back at times which says 'guys come chat me up I'm feeling vulnerable' so the what if's are always going to be there, with old boyfriends and lovers to new sexy looking guys by the dozen. What you have to ask yourself is 'what is MOST important to me, my M and family or some player?" , because if they will cheat and play WITH you, they will do the same TO you.

I recommend you read the book His Needs Her Needs, its an eye opener, I also read I Promise You before I got M and did the work book as well. I'm not a very good MB person though, I always chose the option that said If you found out XXXX I'd cut off his ***** lol

So I'm not any where a great expert, you guys are way ahead of me in the M stakes. But listen to what MB can offer, get help if you need to. Cheaper than a divorce and even prolonged counselling after an affair, oh and remember affairs can be both 'emotional' affairs and 'physical' affairs and BOTH seem to have much the same fallout and destroy a M.

Hope you take MB up. Should teach it in schools.

GEt this book, Lacey: Fall in Love, Stay in Love. The problem is that you and your H are falling out of love because you have STOPPED meeting each others needs. He is not giving you the affection and admiration you need, and you are probably not meeting his top needs. Just think how much in love you were when you were dating? That is because you met each others top ENs.

The answer is to put your marriage FIRST. And that starts by understanding how to do that and by being HONEST with your H. So, my suggestion would be to get that book, come up with a plan and then TELL YOUR HUSBAND. It is important that you are HONEST with him about your feelings.

Let me expound on what I mean. If you start with the premise that FEELINGS FOLLOW ACTIONS, you will see what has happened here. You have stopped doing the ACTIONS that caused you to fall in love in the first place. So the logical solution is to change your actions BACK TO what they were when you fell in love. FEELINGS FOLLOW ACTIONS.

If you don't do the things that CAUSE excitement and feelings of love in your marriage, then you won't have those feelings.

Not understanding this dynamic is where many folks mess up. They follow feelings instead of making their feelings follow them to their benefit.

So, in order to make this happen, you must first find out both of your top emotional needs and stop lovebusters. You can take questionaires for both on this website, they are downloadable. Then it is REAL IMPORTANT that you spend 15 hours a week together meeting each others needs. That means finding a baby sitter and going out 1-2x a week. It is in your baby's best interest for her parents to have a great marriage.

You mean this?

This, is what is causing the following.


This is all justification for talking to your Ex.

Next it will be the old "I Love you but I'm not in Love with you"

Then it will be "I have not loved you for years"

You are about to have an affair and destroy your life.

Lacey:

His Needs, Her Needs.

Buy it NOW. It's available on this website.

It will explain where you are at.

Why your Husband "doesn't care about you"

Why HE has changed so much since the baby was born.

It wasn't him.

Recognize that your 50% of this marriage.

And you need to put in your 100%

LG

Hi,

What has he been doing that makes you think he is cheating? Is there an OW? Is she a coworker?

You need to snoop, snoop, snoop and find out what is going on, IMO.

Charlotte

First of all, I want to thank you all for replying. It is going to take me a little while to reply back to everyone. But I'll do my best.

As I'm reading this I am seeing that some of you think I haven't given it my all. That at the slightest sign of trouble I'm turning tail and running. That IS SO NOT TRUE! Ok granted the only good marriage example I had when I was a kid was my grandparents. So I don't have much to go on other than them, and I may not get what they had. But I love my husband. I am here because I love him, because I want to have something close to what my grandparents had. I do everything I can for my H. I cook for him, I clean for him, I take care of our son, I leave him alone when he wants to be alone, I do his laundry, I watch the stupid crap he makes me watch and with little or no lip. I laugh at his jokes, I give him massages when he's sore, I care about what he cares about and I show it. I do what I think is going to make him happy. I have put my needs aside for him for the majority of our relationship. I know he works hard for our family, so I don't have to work. And I appreciate that more than I can even express. I know some of you think I'm just being a whiny needy disrespectful whatever... But I don't think that I'm in the wrong of wanting a little attention from my husband. I can only take getting ignored so much. I have been there for my husband the entire time we've been together, for crying out loud I moved to this town 1,000 miles away from my family to be with him. Yes I remember the days when we were dating when I though life couldn't get any better. Those days are over, yes I realize. But I know that that feeling can come back. That's why I am here. I know that having a child changes everything. Despite how hard it is and how much of a pain it can be, I LOVE BEING A MOM! I love seeing my son playing, and he makes my heart melt every time he looks at me. Our son is a big part of our lives, but we know that we need our time too. But my husband would much rather spend that time on his own. I know that we need our time to ourselves too, but the together time we spend is spent watching tv or something like that. I have made suggestions, romantic ones, adult ones, everything I think he might enjoy, and he shoots me down every time. He'd rather sit on the couch and watch tv. I'm young I know that can be good and bad, but I feel like an old maid.

Yes I have on and off been talking to my ex, but only as friends. I am not having an affair, nor do I plan to. Actually my ex is giving me a male's perspective on the situation. He's giving me tips and ideas on how to spice things up. But nothing has happened between us nor will anything happen.

GL - tell your H how you FEEL, and WHY you feel the way you do. That may work a bit better that telling him or "suggesting" to him what you want him to do, or even worse, telling him what he's not doing.

You are talking to your ex? Does hubby know that you are telling your ex your marriage problems?

This is how most affairs start. We have seen this time and time again.

You are letting him meet an emotional need that your husband should meet. You are about to have an affair.

Stop now, before you nuke the lives of everyone you love.

I have done all that. I have told him that I love him and that I just want to make him happy. I have told him that I am lonely because he doesn't pay attention to me. I have told him that I feel like he ignores me and takes me for granted. I have talked till I was blue in the face, it never seemed to make much difference. I have changed my routines, I have changed my attitude, I have changed my wardrobe.


Yes, Charlotte, I think its a coworker. He works a lot of over time. At first I thought it was the girl that used to be my best friend, but now I don't know. I just know that he's not giving the attention to me. I love him so much and I'm so scared that he's changed his mind about me. I am still here for him and want to be forever, but I can't keep going in this downward spiral.

For those of you that have been telling me to cherish my marriage. You need to know that I do. But don't I deserve to be happy?

Not if it means cheating on your husband.

Cut off ALL contact with your ex, then work on your marriage for several months, continue to talk to your husband about your fealings.

But what you are curently doing will end up with you commeting adultry.

Lacey please stop talking to your EX right now. There is NO WAY you should be talking to him ESPECIALLY in regards to your M issues.

Just think how you would feel if your H spoke to a sexy ex girl friend on the same subjects you have been doling with your ex??? Wouldn't you feel hurt and betrayed??? I'd kill my H if he did that!!! well you know what I mean.

You are truly playing with fire.

You should be talking plainly to your H telling him how you feel and that you want him to engage in the M WITH you.

You really are in danger of moving your feelings from your H to the EX even if that is not your intention. I know how bad it gets wanting attention and when it doesn't happen for whatever reasons from your H its a temptation to let young guys flirt with you and talk with you. You are vulnerable and it may end up a big mess if you keep talking to him.
It seems to me reading Dr Harley's info here that so many affairs start when both parties don't seem to plan on it. They just allow it to happen as their feelings become intertwined. Its sort of scary you know.

M is definitely a huge challenge and yes you are young like me and thought it would be so not like it is right now, so did I, but remember if you don't let your H know how you feel and how important it is then how can he even try to work with you? You can be very gentle but still be blunt and plain with the problems.

I don't know about your H but mine is well let me say that professional soldiers are usually in touch with feelings I'm not sure I like much. Especially after a deployment. And he thinks all this stuff is a load of horse hockey (watching MASH reruns right now ). BUT he gets told very bluntly about how I feel and why. We do talk it over, WHEN HE'S HERE, and to give him my darling his due, he does try, sorta. If I can do that I'm sure you can too.

I know some men see their job as earning the $$$ doing the house repairs and yards, playing with bubs (I'm so envious of you !!), and that's about it. Well its not.
He also must work on the M every day just like you need to.

So what if your needs since your bubs came along have changed a bit and you want for instance hugs & cuddles and lots of them, I mean is it that hard for him to do that even if he doesn't understand it? He really only needs to know you need that cuddle and hug.

PLEASE PLEASE STOP talking to this ex right now. No goodbyes just STOP!!!!!!
Start talking to your H in very plain terms.

And if HIS attention has been taken with another well thats what MB is here for as well, MB can help you face and resolve that issue as well.

Just loose the ex and get advice here on working on your M.