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Joined: Mar 2007
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Hello all! I am somewhat new here. I've only posted once before. However, I am back again looking for some insight. Any advice will definitely be appreciated.

My husband and I married November of 2007. We've been together 4 years now. I am 25 and hubby is 27. We have a great marriage. We spend a lot of time together and both enjoy it. We communicate rather well in most situations. We are currently trying to save and pay off some credit cards and other bills before starting to build our first home together.

We just have one conflict. I want kids in the future and he isn't sure. I told him I want children after we are settled and in our new home. Not rushing into it because I want to be prepared. When I try to talk to him about it, he doesn't really say much. Just says he doesn't know if he will want children or not and he tells me he is afraid that if he doesn't want children that I will leave him.

I don't plan on leaving him. I can't picture my life without him but I can't promise how I will feel in several years. I guess my question is what do I do? I would hate to walk away from such a wonderful guy and marriage, but I can't help be a bit concerned we might be going in different directions in life. Is it possible he will change his mind? I guess I've known from the beginning he didn't want kids and I didn't think I did either until the last year or so. He has gone from not wanting kids to he isn't sure. Could that be a good sign?

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I can understand where you are coming from because my husband is the same way. I know I want a family in the future ( but I have time, I'm only 20) and he says he does also but the topic as of right now is taboo in the relationship. If I even mention the word "baby" he gets scared and practically makes me take a pregnancy test to make sure I'm not pregnant (sarcastically speaking). At this point in his life, he says he is not ready for a family and the thought of children downright scares him. I know someday I will have the family I always wanted, but I get through this point in our relationship by honoring his feelings and not mentioning our future family and trusting my husband. Hopefully, with that outlook you can apply it yourself and see if it helps. Hopefully it does!

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Thanks for the response. I'm not quite as young as you, but I still feel there is time. We will wait and see what happens. My husband did tell me the other day that, other peoples kids make him nervous but he feels it will be different if it is our baby. So that gave me hope. Like you do, I respect his feelings on the matter. I love him for who he is. We will get through this together. Thats what I tell him. But, your husband is right starting a family can be a scary thought because it is so different from what we are used to. For almost 2 years, it has just been us. I feel like once we get more settled he will open up more. Hopefully, yours will too and look at it as an experience you can share. Best of luck to you and your husband!

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There are not a lot of men that talk openly about having a baby. I believe their get comfortable with their situation and think how much they have to give up once the baby comes. And they do not like that. Of course I can not generalize. I feel that couples need to establish a good base in order to be able to step into parenthood solidly. You might be ready and he is not. He just needs time.

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 Originally Posted By: cbrown2978
Thanks for the response. I'm not quite as young as you, but I still feel there is time. We will wait and see what happens. My husband did tell me the other day that, other peoples kids make him nervous but he feels it will be different if it is our baby. So that gave me hope. Like you do, I respect his feelings on the matter. I love him for who he is. We will get through this together. Thats what I tell him. But, your husband is right starting a family can be a scary thought because it is so different from what we are used to. For almost 2 years, it has just been us. I feel like once we get more settled he will open up more. Hopefully, yours will too and look at it as an experience you can share. Best of luck to you and your husband!


Hi Cbrown,
My heart goes out to you. I apologize for the length of this...but I promise I have a point.

My husband said the same thing to me. We married in 2005 after dating for 2 years. He said that he didn't want children right away because he wanted to build our "nest egg." When we were 2 years into marriage (and I hit my 30s), I mentioned that maybe we should start trying. He still felt that we weren't ready financially. Btw, we had plenty in our savings.

Honoring his wishes to wait on a baby, I began focusing my efforts on looking for a single family home that we could settle into. We never planned to stay in the townhouse for more than a few years. So, I could at least get the ball rolling for a house to raise a family when the time comes.

He was on board with this.

We bought our house in mid 2008. We were very happy. He even drove by the elementary school our future children would attend and told me that it's very nice. (I didn't ask him to check it out...he did this on his own). So, that made me so happy. I thought, "he's finally ready!"

We discussed trying and he said he wanted to wait until June. For what? I don't know. Again, I waited.

One day in mid May, he told me, "I don't want children." Just said it completely out of the blue. Shocked, confused, and hurt...I didn't understand.

Why did we just buy this house if we aren't having children? I loved him and told him, "Our marriage is more important to me than having children; tell me what's happened for you to change your mind so suddenly." He told me, "I don't know." Well, to leave out more details for an attempt at a shorter version...and after many sleepless, crying nights...
I found out he had been cheating on me.

I filed for divorce. Now, I am thankful we don't have children. I am now awaiting the day of the divorce, so that I can rebuild my life.

The reason I'm telling you all of this is because...

You want children. He's waivering.

I realize now that my stbxh dragged his feet for 2 1/2 years of our marriage because he wasn't sure. If he had been honest with me before marriage, I could've decided to marry him accepting a life without children or to leave him knowing that we had different life plans.

It shouldn't be something that you have to convince him of. Having a child should be something that both of you want. Don't you want him to want it as much as you? Now, if his reluctance is completely born out of fear...that makes sense. But, re-evaluate the situation. If you feel like he's just stalling continuously, and you're fighting an uphill battle...with no end or answers in sight...you have a big discussion to have with him either way.

He's been honest with you in saying that he isn't sure. Is this something that you can live with? You have every right to pursue your dream of having children just like he has every right to not want them. Ideally, your dream as a married couple would be the same one.

I know my story is a little different (the infidelity part), but like you, I waited... believing and hoping that he would be ready. He never was.

Thankfully, someday, I will meet someone who wants children with every ounce of his being. If I meet someone who isn't sure, he isn't for me.

I hope your husband decides he wants children and everything goes swimmingly! \:\)

Take care,
SB

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Sweetblessings, thanks for taking the time to post your experience. I am sorry you had to go through that, but you sound like you are dealing with it fairly well and looking toward the future. Good for you!

I don't think my husband is cheating. I know many have said this before. I'm with my husband alot. I take him to work and pick him up something we started when gas was way high. We continue to carpool to help save money to pay off bills and things like that. He works with mostly men because its a small company. The only lady is a receptionist. When we are at home, he sticks pretty close to me. Most of the time we're in the same room.

To be honest, because I have been cheated on in the past I keep my guard up and periodically check pc, phone records, etc. He hasn't given me a reason to not trust him, but when you've been hurt like that before it is hard to not think about how possible it is.

I know I must decide whether I can live without regret if he decides not to have children. I just love him so much and I don't think I could picture my life without if him not wanting a child is his only fault. Sure, we have our spats but we get through it. He is a great husband. I was sick last week and over this past weekend, he took good care of me. He drove 20 miles across town to buy me donuts and bring me a sprite last Friday. He didn't have to, but he wanted to.

I am hoping he just needs time. I know that having a child is a huge responsibility and very scary to think about. When we first started out, he didn't want children. Now, he's not sure. So I'm hoping its progress.

Good luck to you!

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Your husband never wanted children when you first got together. Didn't you see that as a problem then??? It does not seem to me that he has lied to you about this and I think it is wrong of you to expect him to change. Especially since he has been upfront with you from the start.

I think this is a situation you put yourself into. Had your husband changed his mind from wanting children to not wanting children it would be a different story. I don't encourage divorce. I believe that every marraige is a commitment that was made in love before God and is a commitment that was made through to last through the good and the bad. So I would stand by my marraige but that is a decission you have to decide for yourself.

I don't think you should expect your husband to change. The only thing I think you can do in this situation is explain to your husband why having children is so important to you. Explain to him how important it is for you to have a child with him because that is something you want to share together. Tell him how much you love him and hope he changes his mind. Don't expect him to change his mind.

Don't build up resentment to him for something he has never lied to you about. It is not fair to him. I wouldn't nag about the children. Nagging will only cause other issues in your marraige.

I am sorry you are in this situation and I wish the best for both of you.

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CBrown,
Thanks for your well wishes. I am much better off now than I had been. I left many details out for my point's sake.

Please don't think for a second that I am implying that your husband is being unfaithful. I have no reason to think that. He sounds like a wonderful man taking good care of you.

I mentioned my story in hopes that you would see that I waited for my husband to be ready (we had planned to have a family all along). In my case, he just kept putting it off and saying "we're not ready." His infidelity was the last straw in a long series of bad stuff.

In your case, your husband has been honest with you. You know where he stands. So, I will pray that he changes his mind, but be careful in waiting for/expecting him to change.

We can only truly change ourselves. \:\)

I will be thinking of you.

Last edited by sweetblessings; 02/02/09 01:14 PM. Reason: I don't know how to quote
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My husband and I couldn't get ready for children at the same time. I was 21 and he was 22 when we married. We were both 34 when the first child was born. We had two children. Then he left. I attribute the fact that I look and act younger than many people my age to the fact that, in my early 50s, I am still hanging out with teenagers.

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 Originally Posted By: ally26
Your husband never wanted children when you first got together. Didn't you see that as a problem then??? It does not seem to me that he has lied to you about this and I think it is wrong of you to expect him to change. Especially since he has been upfront with you from the start.

I think this is a situation you put yourself into. Had your husband changed his mind from wanting children to not wanting children it would be a different story. I don't encourage divorce. I believe that every marraige is a commitment that was made in love before God and is a commitment that was made through to last through the good and the bad. So I would stand by my marraige but that is a decission you have to decide for yourself.

I don't think you should expect your husband to change. The only thing I think you can do in this situation is explain to your husband why having children is so important to you. Explain to him how important it is for you to have a child with him because that is something you want to share together. Tell him how much you love him and hope he changes his mind. Don't expect him to change his mind.

Don't build up resentment to him for something he has never lied to you about. It is not fair to him. I wouldn't nag about the children. Nagging will only cause other issues in your marraige.

I am sorry you are in this situation and I wish the best for both of you.


Thanks for taking the time to post and for the advice. However, I just want to say that I never said he lied to me. I admitted from the beginning that he told me he didn't want kids. He also told me he wasn't sure if he was meant to be married. Now, I'm married to him and we are both happy. I realize that I knew from the beginning where he stood on the situation. Early on, I didn't know if I wanted children. As we've been together 4 years now and are beginning to settle into our life together, I am starting to feel like I want to have a child with this man.... someday. Am I ready now? No. I am willing to wait several more years. We are both young and have time for that a few years later. Whatever he decides, I will respect his feelings. Just for the record, I don't plan on divorcing him. I married him to stay married!

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 Originally Posted By: sweetblessings


CBrown,
Thanks for your well wishes. I am much better off now than I had been. I left many details out for my point's sake.

Please don't think for a second that I am implying that your husband is being unfaithful. I have no reason to think that. He sounds like a wonderful man taking good care of you.

I mentioned my story in hopes that you would see that I waited for my husband to be ready (we had planned to have a family all along). In my case, he just kept putting it off and saying "we're not ready." His infidelity was the last straw in a long series of bad stuff.

In your case, your husband has been honest with you. You know where he stands. So, I will pray that he changes his mind, but be careful in waiting for/expecting him to change.

We can only truly change ourselves. \:\)

I will be thinking of you.


Sweetblessings,

I never once thought you were implying he might be being unfaithful. I just know that sometimes, it happens when you least expect it as your situation shows. I will definitely be careful in waiting. I hope he decides to start a family together. I want him to want it as much as I do though. I definitely won't force it upon him. He is a wonderful man, and I think I'd be wrong for throwing away our marriage just because of this. I know it is a huge thing. But he doesn't deserve to be abandoned because of his feelings. I know sometimes a good relationship is hard to find and I plan on keeping mine.

Thanks again!

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 Originally Posted By: cinderella
My husband and I couldn't get ready for children at the same time. I was 21 and he was 22 when we married. We were both 34 when the first child was born. We had two children. Then he left. I attribute the fact that I look and act younger than many people my age to the fact that, in my early 50s, I am still hanging out with teenagers.



Cinderella,

Thanks for the post. You say you had your first at 34, you have made me realize I still have quite a few years left and there is no need to rush. A woman doesn't necessarily have to have children while in her 20's. There is still time. You sound young and happy... thanks for the inspiration.

Good luck to you!

Last edited by cbrown2978; 02/02/09 02:19 PM. Reason: wrong wording
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Denying your spouse the opportunity to have Children is a really tough call to make, on a positive note a colleague of mine just had her first baby recently at age 40 so you still have plenty of time \:\)

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Hey there. Thanks for the post. It definitely makes me feel better. I am going to quit worrying about it and just enjoy life and be happy! That is one thing I have realized, is there is still plenty of time left. I'm just taking it day by day and enjoying the life that I have with my husband. I know that if and when we do decide to have children, our life will change and it won't just be us anymore. Not to say, that is bad. Actually, I look forward to a family, but I am just enjoying my time with my husband. I browse around these posts and I realize that so many people have gone through so much in there lives and marriages and came out okay. There are situations much worse than mine. I definitely admire these people for their strength and devotation to their families. I appreciate everyone who has posted to me and given me hope and told me there is still time. I feel very fortunate to have such a happy marriage. I know that I could leave him and try to find someone new to start a family with, but that wouldn't be same nor would it be right. I love him dearly as he does me. I don't think I'd be happy without him. I feel like he completes me. Hopefully, when it is our time we will both decide to start a family.

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I know someday I will have the family I always wanted, but I get through this point in our relationship by honoring his feelings and not mentioning our future family and trusting my husband. Hopefully, with that outlook you can apply it yourself and see if it helps. Hopefully it does!

Lisa11


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