AUGUST, DECEMBER,JANUARY AND FEBRUARY ARE THE KEY PORTIONS IF YOUR IMPATIENT TO UNDERSTAND THE WHOLE PICTURE.

My wife is having an affair with another man and is trying to justify to herself why we should not be married.

The below information will have inaccuracies, but the general information is as close to accurate as can be.

Summary of her reaction to leaving the other man:
First time, she said she’d have to go through that depression again which made her want to kill herself. That made me back off at the time because I love her, and don’t want her to hurt herself.

The second time I asked she was more bolstered and said no she wouldn’t.

The third time she said she would never leave him.

The fourth she told me it wasn’t him she was leaving me for, it was because she was leaving me.

In one of our conversations she broke down and said, "Please don't tell my family, don't take them away from me." So her family knowing is a big deal and it's an action that I'm slowly coming to realize maybe my only choice but also at the cost of her because she'll hate me.


MISCILANEOUS INFORMATION CONCERNING TIME USAGE OR LOSS BETWEEN US: I began Mid-shifts(7pm-7am in the morning.) July 1st. I was on it from July 1st to Jan 1st. I would sleep at 7am to 3am and later often since I’m able to go for 9-10 hours if not woken.

Throughout the whole summer my wife told me that while I was sleeping she would wander around town bored out of her mind. She exclaimed how she would try and wake me and I wouldn’t get up from bed. Except I must argue that many times I’d get up at 12pm or other times for pre-scheduled events together sacrificing some sleep. I will admit some times I did stay up past 7am to around 9am before going to bed.[/b]

I have been through so much as you'd expect.

I have known about the attraction my wife has had to the other man for years, but trusted my wife to not do anything wrong with him. This last year we've had a hard time.

This all begins from June-July.

[b](June) In June on my first month off of teaching school for her summer I spent the whole month building my new computer. I was very proud of the accomplishment because it’s not easy to do but WW had no appreciation for my devotion to the effort. She saw it as me ignoring her COMPLETELY. And in some ways I admit I did for it. The thing that didn’t occur to me was how bored she must have been downstairs with 24 hours a day to herself. At the time she was spending her time writing a “novella”. Which made it seem like she was enjoying herself none the less because for all my efforts I couldn’t get her away from writing that thing.

In July-September I did an English class.

What she failes to realize is that she blames me for ignoring her, but she has gone and done Playhouse shows that consume her entire evenings for months at a time and I only loved her the more for her devotion to something she loved. I spent that kind of time building a machine at expert precision capabilities and she had no love for the effort.

(JULY) Then my wife and the other man got in a fight where my wife was lied to by him several times about other girls he was dating and she was mad that he kept concealing the fact that there were other girls he was dating. To me I was a bit confused why it mattered but only saw that it was the "lying" that was upsetting her and not for the RED FLAG clue that she had something going on with him. I thought she was mad that he was just not telling her about his life when she’d ask.

Mid July) We went to a family gathering in Johnson City where I was working on an advanced English writing course. During the event I spent much of my time hanging with the family and on the last day was forced to sit down and finish my essay paper. Simply because a family event converged with school does not mean I didn’t spent time with the family. No gaming books or gaming in my head just family and school so I see no fault in this.

(AUGUST 10-14) At one point in August the other man was leaving to a place hours away for good. My wife asked if she could kiss him good bye. Being me, I trusted her and eventually conceded that a lip-to-lip good bye kiss would be fine. Then later she confessed the kiss became a deep affectionate kiss and I was stunned. (She said that the kiss was when she felt that she was in love with the other man.) She said nothing else happened though so I let it go. I had posted on another forum elsewhere and many folks suggested "affair" yet I trusted her a great deal that I figured the kiss had to be all it that happened. And after some personal turmoil I let it go. Inside of this date we both went on a min-vacation because we both felt that we should spend some together time. And I now recall that it was enjoyable but she wasn’t all there. She seemed distracted.

(FACTS: She slept with him multiple times in August and maybe before. She told me the kiss was first then a few days later they slept together. Later I pieced together based on the number of times she admitted that they were sleeping together more than that and that the KISS did not precipitate the affair like she let me believe. She let me blame myself for letting her kiss him.


(August 15) Then the other man finally left for his distant location in the middle of August which was the same week of the kiss. This was the end of their friendship because they had some HUGE fight and they were not talking anymore and I was a bit happy about this personally because that kiss bothered the [censored] out of me.

When the other man left it was under bad terms later. Apparently he slept with my wife and also had someone else on the side. So he was double-timing her. I don't understand why she is still wanting to be with him. This was an actual break up between them up till DECEMBER when he came back and apologized.

(August Thanksgiving) I spent the whole weekend with the family and enjoying myself. I brought no gaming books had no gaming in mind and was actually talking to family and spending time enjoying their company. To the detriment of my grade on that Essay paper I only spent an evening working on it. I even talked to Fran and others about the concepts I was learning in class, although everyone was more interested in the A&M game.

(August-October) Was hell. And me on midshift) We talked mildly about how we both knew our relationship was hurting and I couldn't figure out why because my wife wasn't talking to me and she was often very sad that the other man had left which I presumed was because they were best friends. In many ways I spent time with her and was still on mid shift. Almost all mornings she’d get up for work and I’d make her breakfast before going to bed myself because I wanted to show her I loved her and cared for her. I would OFTEN go to bed on my weekends at night with her so we could sleep together and get up together in the day even though it wrecked my sleep schedule. As my normal time for sleep was 7am. Sometimes I would stay up through my sleep time so that in the evening we’d be able to sleep together. Other times I would keep a normal schedule on my weekends so as to keep my normal work/sleep cycle. She took offense to this sometimes because she’d hint at “sex” by asking if I’d come to bed. My response would be that I can’t, I have to stay up, I’m on mids. Not once did she tell me it was innuendo for come down stairs to make love to me. She’d get PISSED and storm downstairs. This happened several times and she wouldn’t explain why she was so mad. She expected me to read her mind. The irony was that she blames me playing computer games. I’m so sorry that I didn’t understand. Each of those times I was playing with long distance friends who I barely spoke to and several times with her family of her own.

From Mid October to Mid December I did a Computer course and an Algebra course which consumed a massive chunk of time. The Computer course was busy work that I’d get done when at work and the Algebra I’d work on at home. I passed the Computer course but failed Algebra.

(OCTOBER 15th to Nov) I had been doing my two Courses. A Computer class that was busy work and the Algebra course. The course’s were demanding on me for many reasons. Having been homeschooled the California education system had a loophole that let me pass High School without having done any pre-algebra type coursework. So Intermediate Algebra was an entirely new concepts and having to relearn mathematical methods I’d not used in seven years. I from week two had fallen behind a week the whole way through and was struggling to catch up every week till the end. If my wife would recall how much I bitched about math and how stressed, crying, angry, and frustrated I was at the course. That just as I understood a concept the damn class pushed me to use it with another one I barely understood until eventually everything was mashed together and I couldn’t figure out how to break the numbers apart. This ate into my entire life and free time. In the Computer course I had even let several assignments fail knowing I could still get an “A” to give me more time at the Algebra course.

(November) She hit me with a doozy that she was falling out of love with me. I was shocked. For a moment I almost agreed that I was too but realized quickly it was simply that my work schedule kept us from spending quality time together and the school work on top of that. Unfortunately I had just started a new term of Mids for three months and nobody would trade shifts with me. So I redoubled my efforts to spend time with her. I came up with dates and places to go and movies and dinner as often as we could muster. I even came up with going to the MET opera, Phantom of the Opera(her idea), and if I recall Rent. The problem was that just as I tried to start spending more time with her she started a semi-professional playhouse production. My weekends were Friday night-Sunday night. The only night we had off together was Sundays. The production she started also used up Friday and Saturday for rehearsal. So I was SOL at spending time with her even more so now. Sundays we’d spend time but she was always so tired she just wanted to rest and our nightlife went to [censored] and it didn’t help that I was absorbed in my Algebra work almost every Sunday and even had to take leave time several times to hold off heading into work those evenings trying to complete coursework. I was used to her being unavailable in the past when she did playhouse productions so just let her be and did my own thing as well. We just had a very unfortunate last three months of 2008.

(December) This is about when the other man came into the picture again I believe. They had begun to apologies and make up as friends, so I thought. My wife asked if it was ok for them to mend their friendship and confusedly I said exactly, “I suppose so,” because I recalled the overly passionate kiss. Yet I trusted her and so let them start talking again. She was still doing the playhouse productions all through December. Then middle of December she told me that she HAD fallen out of love with me. I was shocked. I was hurt and afraid. I was desperate to recover. I was desperate for my next shift rotation to begin so I could be back on Days on Jan 1st and we could work on our relationship.

Then I came to a conclusion at the end of December as pieces fell into place in my head that this falling out of love coincided with the return of the other man. That she and the other man were in love and when I asked her she reluctantly said she probably was. I was stunned. I had to ask and she didn't tell me. She said she didn’t know how it happened and that it just did. We had a conversation where she promised that no matter what I could ask a question and she would tell me the truth. When I’ve asked for the truth she in the future beyond this point has obscured facts let me think I was at fault, or that an action determined certain events. She has consistently left me to determine the facts out of what she’s told me. I have no idea how true anything she has said is because of this.

(January) Now knowing they had affections I told her that they could not be together alone. She reluctantly agreed. I didn’t realize that there was reluctance until later. Immediately she broke that promise and drove him home one night, but she told me. And I said NEVER AGAIN. She again broke that promise when his car broke down and he had to get to his college several hours away. When she got home utterly late I asked what happened and she first lied to me about her whereabouts. Then came clean and told me that she drove the other man all the way to his college two hours away. I asked how long a drive it was and she said two hours. Both ways is 4 hours and this was at night so no traffic. The total trip time was 5 hours and 30 minutes. I caught the discrepancy when I asked what time they left town. She said 8pm. I asked how long to get there. 2 hours. She stayed at his place for an hour and a half longer than necessary. She arrived home at 1:30am. I decided to trust her and let it be. She still claims nothing happened. I am unsure due to all the lies now.

I then woke up one evening at 1am to hear her on the phone with him and saying his name and saying "I love you so very much." And then they talked about e-mails and an upcoming weekend that they'll get to see each other. Which was in Houston on the 23rd. I listened through our bedroom door for thirty minutes as they flirted and talked about an e-mail which at that point my wife’s voice dropped to a near whisper saying, “I won’t mention the contents, but you’ll like it.” She eventually hung up, I quickly went and got back into bed and five minutes later came out of the bedroom to use the restroom and got some water. She asked if I had woken her and I said, no, why? And she said no reason at all just that she was still up grading papers. (Previously in the evening I had even tried to devise a way to help her do faster in fact, but only one person can log into the database at a time she said. This is only mentioned to show that I try to support her as much as I can.)

This led to me going from concerned to afraid. I then for the first time in my life broke my trust of privacy to her and looked at her e-mails. What I discovered shocked and tore me apart. I couldn’t read them clearly through all the tears and crying. They were loving, and talking about dirty thoughts and such. I then constantly told her that she can’t be alone with him. Under ALL terms not alone. Then I tried to ask her not to go. She got mad at me for that because money had been paid to go. She probably was apprehensive about my actions and concerns but didn’t show it.

I spent the whole week up to the convention in a severe panic. I couldn’t sleep and was a nervous wreck because the e-mails talked about being loving and how much they loved each other. I couldn’t confront My wife because I knew she’d see the violation of her privacy as a criminal thing…but here I was confronting the possibility of infidelity.

Then she left for the Houston convention.

She got her own hotel.

His room was at the convention center.

I then still in a panic went day to day scared out of my mind. I then reread all the e-mails and was able to not cry. I then saw the most criminal line ever,”…us singing next to each other together in bed.”

I called her immediately and asked her point blank, "did you sleep with the other man. She paused for a while and said,”Yes.” When I asked the obvious question,”Why?” She said “Why else does someone sleep with another?” She wanted to hang up then and I wanted to talk. I called back three times and she finally started yelling and crying for me to leave her alone. I found out later that the other man spent the whole night holding her while she cried.

(KEEP IN MIND THAT I HAD TO DISCOVER THE AFFAIR): She told me that she didn’t tell me about it in August because she didn’t want me to tell her to stop. And against our pre-marital agreement concerning always telling about potential or actual affairs, she did not tell me after the fact either. She claims to have not told me to protect me, later she professed that that she didn’t tell me to protect herself.

When she got home I had bought flowers for her. I wanted her to know I still love her.

She claims nothing happened at Houston (Or ever since August). I do know they were alone together in a car trip. And that in the same car trip was when I called. I do know they spent that night together. I don’t know if sexual activity occurred that weekend but she claims nothing had happened. In any event, she has been having an emotional affair with him since the middle of December up to this point.

Since then they’ve been talking constantly and phoning, text messaging, e-mailing, and using Facebook to communicate.

My wife has refused to sever contact with him. She say’s if she were to pick she would pick him over me.

We started counseling which she initiated, but she is not taking it seriously so far. The counselors said sever contact with the other man and she didn’t. She resents him now for that.

The same week I discovered the cheating the 23rd-25th of January I moved out of the house to a friend’s at HER request(I chose to go because I wanted to be able to find her easily). She said either of us could move out but she wanted a separation. This coincided with my discovery of her affair. (Distance in my mind, so she could continue it without me hovering to interfere.)She claimed I was hovering. And DAMN RIGHT I WAS! SHE"S MY WIFE WHO I LOVE!

The very first counseling meeting (Her and him alone) the counselor told her that she had to leave the other man. Since then she has hated him and doesn’t like him. She went to three sessions on her own. And still has maintained contact with the other man.

(February)
My wife wouldn’t leave the other man but she tried to compromise that she’d talk to him less. I had a hard time believing this because I had moved out and obviously couldn’t monitor her.
We’ve gone to two counselor sessions together only.

On our first meeting at the counselor I had asked “Have you kept to the agreement to reduce communication?” She said,”Yes.” I then asked, “Do you have any plans in the year to see or meet with the other man?” She again said,”No”. I asked again if she was being honest,” She said,”Yes she was being honest!” And got angry at me. I then asked if I could see her e-mail and she resisted at first and then she let me…although she claims I forced her. I then asked if I could read them and she got mad that I was pushing. When we got home and she logged into her e-mail, what I saw was my wife e-mailing the other man every day except one day in a ten day span and obviously not keeping to the compromise.

At that point I was enraged although I hadn’t yelled at her. It was internal. Why was she lying to me and not being honest? At the counselor's even! (KEEP IN MIND IN RED ABOVE THAT SHE SAID SHE WOULD ALWAYS TELL ME THE TRUTH.)

Because she was lying to me I had a need to know what she was saying to him. As she turned away from her computer for a minute I quickly forwarded one of the e-mails to myself. And this e-mail showed that she was meeting him in 17 days which I found out from her was San Marcos(Feb 27th)AGAIN she lied to me! That night she called and asked if I had forwarded one of her e-mails. Being honest I answered right away,”Yes.” Her next words were,”I want a divorce.” If you notice all of her reasons for divorce are absolutely SHALLOW.

That weekend Feb 7th she went to see her sister Claire who she told everything apparently. My wife had also made a giant box “care package” for the other man of food and who knows what else(found out the picture of them was in it too). Just as she was leaving the apartment while I was there and not at my current residence with my friend, my wife said, ”She just wants us to be friends.” I lost it at that point. I was feeling every painful emotion possible. The whole night I packed my things in the house I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat, I left letters all over exclaiming how mean to me she is being. I almost collected all the jewelry I ever gave her but put it all back when I realized at that moment I was being vindictive.

I then went to get a picture of her and the other man in her dresser drawer. I really had no idea what I was going to do with it, but it wasn’t there. Instead I found a comparison sheet of ME VS the other man. On the paper it talked about “numerous” sexual encounters with the other man, which did not coincide with her story that she claims. She claimed the kiss premeditated the sexual encounter several days later. She claims I assumed only one time. She told me herself that there was only one time by telling me that the kiss happened first, sex, and then the other man left town. This set me into an even greater rage. Especially that the comparisons were things she could talk to me about and we could work out in counseling.

I was at the apartment driving back and forth between residences moving stuff till around 9am. On my last trip I passed our bank and thought about how people warned me the other spouse can go crazy and take all the money. So I went into the bank to make a checking account for myself just in case. Then my emotions carried me further. I became crushed with fear and took all but $800 from the bank account and moved it to my new checking account. My rational was that I was protecting myself from my wife. Who had been doing nothing but lying to me and cheating on me.

I thought I was being rational considering that I never would have expected her to cheat and lie to me. Then I called her and told her what I did. And as she screamed how I was stealing from her I realized that I was sinking to her level. I was becoming this other person who was not thinking about the consequences of ones actions. I immediately turned around and put all our money back into the bank.

Since then she has held that over my head as being a greater crime than her infidelity.

Then I returned to the apartment and cleaned up all my pissed and angry messages (which I wrote and put around the apartment), cleaned the house and made the bed. I then started taking the wedding candle and pictures to take home with me…then realized I’d already had moved more of my stuff out of the house than I knew what to do with. So I left them on the kitchen table and realizing she wanted a divorce decided to light our wedding candle and leave my wedding ring on a picture of us on that wonderful day.

She did not appreciate the melodrama when she got home to find a burning candle and my ring. I also admitted to the messages everywhere and such and she has decided that “she doesn’t feel safe” around me even though I’ve never struck her. I’ve expressed profanity a few times.

We went to dinner one evening of Feb 22nd. We talked and I tried to admit to my wife I’m glad that this mess had occurred because it has changed me in great ways and shown me how much I love her. Her retort was very cruel. That she learned how little she loved me and that she was happy she did it because she found that out. Rather than what I would have wanted which would be,"I realized how much we need to work to improve our marriage."

Since then I’ve yelled at her several times to leave the other man and she exclaims that she won’t. And that if I make her leave him she will “resent” me. She doesn’t even realize that what she is doing is making me resent her. She has used my love for her to protect herself over and over. By saying she wants a divorce it’s made me tiptoe. She doesn’t want her family to know that she is having an affair. She acting entirely on emotion and not even realizing how she is acting. I feel that my wife is not acting out of rational feelings that I am an inadequate husband but that she is infatuated with another man and trying to create reasons to justify her actions.

Our second Counselor meeting I somehow ended up being the one begging for ONE MORE CHANCE. Because of the BANKING INCIDENT. It wasn’t even defined as to what that one more chance was.

And now I don’t know why I was the one begging. I’m the one that was cheated on and has been given half truths and lied to outright in other cases. My feelings are that she is doing the counseling only to show a pretense of effort at fixing our problems for her image. The reason I believe this is because of all the lies and obfuscation of the truth she has provided. If she were honestly working to fix our marriage she would separate herself from the other man and look to make our love stronger.

I recently called two family members and told them everything because they were our marriage sponsors. I felt that they could introduce some wisdom into our marriage issues. I then told my wife I had talked to them and she felt I went over her head. That I’m not allowed to talk to family without consulting her. She has taken this as reason to revoke my ONE MORE CHANCE. And is asking for a Final Divorce.

I feel that she is trying to hide this and at the same time create a case to blame me in her mind. I feel that my only next step is to bring her to her parents and sit down and make her admit the infidelity outloud.

Expose to everybody

Even if it angers her and causes her to hate me?

Your marriage can survive her anger. IT CAN NOT SURVIVE AN AFFAIR. EXPOSE.

Do not underestimate this.

I will repeat it.

Your marriage can survive her anger. IT. CAN. NOT. SURVIVE. AN. AFFAIR. EXPOSE.

Some veteran MBers will be here soon. TAKE ALL THEIR ADVICE.

YES!!

OK, big news flash here Moncouer, all of the above quote is already true.

So what it it you actually want here? Are you trying to R your M or are you patiently using Plan Hope, where you "hope" she will change her mind and love you again? That ain't going to work, I promise you.

Have you read Dr Harley's Q&A portion of this web site? Please read and inform yourself.

Do you have any idea what marital boundaries are or even look like? You WW asked your permission to have an A and you said yes, because you loved her and trusted her not to really do it.

??????????????????????????

Moncouer, you are about as lost as an easter egg in August.

Could you call the Harley's for counseling, cause without a giant wakeup call, I'm afraid you don't have a clue. Sorry to be so blunt, but your thread borders on ridiculous.

All Blessings,
Jerry

So what it it you actually want here? Are you trying to R your M or are you patiently using Plan Hope, where you "hope" she will change her mind and love you again? That ain't going to work, I promise you.

I don't know what "R" is? Ruin? NO I"M NOT TRYING TO ruin it, I'm trying to save it. I was trying to do counseling I don't know how to deal with this. Your reply acts like I should know what the [censored] I'm doing...why do you think I'm here?

WHAT WILL WORK THEN?

Have you read Dr Harley's Q&A portion of this web site? Please read and inform yourself.

I've read them and tried them...but she just keeps going further and further away. She won't work with me at all outside of counseling. Sometimes she talks to me but she only finds reason to get angry when I confront her failings.

Do you have any idea what marital boundaries are or even look like? You WW asked your permission to have an A and you said yes, because you loved her and trusted her not to really do it.

I was torn over letting her kiss him to begin with, and should have gone with my gut and told her no. It didn't matter though, she already [censored] him before the kiss. She just asked to try and absolve guilt.



Moncouer, you are about as lost as an easter egg in August.

YEs, yes, I [censored] am.

Could you call the Harley's for counseling, cause without a giant wakeup call, I'm afraid you don't have a clue. Sorry to be so blunt, but your thread borders on ridiculous.

What wakeup and I needing?

All Blessings,
Jerry

[/quote]

What number?

This site talks about being patient and trying to show her your love and your telling me I'm messing up in trying to be patient? WHAT?

I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

You need to be patient but you do not need to be a doormat. Work Plan A as best you can and work to kill the A too.

Can someone post the carrot and stick of Plan A?

You let her kiss an OM?
Do NOT shield or protect her from any of the guilt she should feel. There are plenty of other people who will do that.

Why in the he77 would you let your wife kiss another man? WAKE UP

*Sigh* I'm ME. That's all I can say.

But your hyper-focusing. She already DID the deed before asking me. So it doesn't really matter that I did other than to show my personality.

What is plan A exactly?

I just talked to her father. He's not going to say anything against my wifes actions. He said he would be staying out of it. He said I can talk to him though anytime.

How does exposure work if the family won't help?

I'm more afraid of destroying the relationship by exposure... Everyone around me I've told about the idea thinks it'll only make things worse.

She is already declaring divorce on me.

How does a marriage survive divorce in Texas if she is angry?

I'm afraid she'll divorce...she is already claiming she will after finding out I told one pair of family.

Where in Texas are you? Anywhere near Houston? If she intends to file you need to file first. Then you can delay, delay, delay!!

I filed in 2007. I'm not divorced YET!! LOL!! I asked my attorney to delay. Well, did he EVER!!

But anyway, if you are near Houston, let me know. You need the best representation you can get and he is IT!

Charlotte

Mon,

You are falling into a classic pattern that is followed by many BHes on this board. You lack balls and live in fear of upsetting your cheating wife.

Guess what? The men who succeed here are the ones who grow a pair and ACT regardless of how badly it upsets the WW.

Hope will get you nowhere. Action will.

So that means you expose to EVERYONE. Friends, family and OM's family.

Will it tick her off? Yes. Big time.

But the affair will continue if you don't.

And I can't believe you would allow her to disrespect you as she has with LETTING her kiss another man. Absolutely incredible.

So it's time to stop living in fear, grow a pair, and follow plans that work. Doing nothing and being afraid don't work. AT ALL.

I've never seen it work.

That being said:

If you're young and have no kids with this woman, then cut your losses.

We have no kids, but I love this woman. She is so much to me.

My first everything.

What is my next step after exposure?

You guys say expose, but I see nothing in the Q&A about this process.

Any examples of what a good exposure letter or thing to say is? How much information and such? How to deliver it?

A massive plan A.

What you do is this:

Your WW: I can't believe you told everyone about my relationship with XX! We're through.

You: I'm sorry you're mad, would you like a potato chip? (Whoever said that, sorry, I don't remember.)

Exposure seems like a love buster to me?