Now. After the exposure. How do I work plan A? How do I show her that I really love her? We are separated right now and soon getting different places to stay apartment wise.

I mean... How do I act towards her? I already know about the "So, you want a potato chip?" Thing, but what do I do in steps.

Just be nice, do things for her. Meet EN's but avoid any and all LB's.

Well, there you go! Listen to the vets when they chime in here. They'll be able to predict what she going to say or do with scary accurracy! Take care of yourself first and foremost!

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


Exposure is your strongest weapon against the A. Use it, and use it wisely. Do not tell her that you are going to do it, just do it. Expect more anger. Your M can survive her anger, but it cannot survive if she remains a WS.

Start a good plan A. If you can call the Harleys for advice. Read Surviving an Affair. You will learn the dynamics of affairs. They are all pretty much the same. The WS use the same script.

Your WS will try to rewrite history and put you in a bad light. She is trying to justify her actions to herself. She is probably addicted to the feelings of the A, not the OM. He could be anyone.

She has weaknesses that she did not protect. It is a slippery slope.

Keep coming here. Read, read, read.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And now,

I'm going to bed. I'll check up on you tomorrow, Pod'nah.

Charlotte

Thanks Charlotte, good night for you. I'm still going to be up patrolling and questioning.

Hell, as I've asked, if anyone has a letter head example of what I probably should create as a script to tell people in person and in letter form, that would help my progress immensely. I'm already building a names list and such.

It all depends on who you are telling. If it's her parents, tell them how much you love her and want to try to make the M work but that she is having an A. To her family it will probably help you look better too as she is probably making them think you are a monster.

How much detail about the affair do I provide? Do I tell that it was both physical and emotional?

Should I ask her one last time to end the affair? But no ultimatum.

Also, after exposure, how do you get the to let you work on plan A? What if they are distant, what do you do to get them to let you show them your best side?

One other thing I'm wondering. Should I schmooze up to her big time in PLan A style before launching exposure? To try and show a better side? As right now she really just doesn't like me.

moncouer

Starting another post is not going to help you. Best to keep your story in one place.

WW's all say that they would of stayed until you exposed. They all get angry at exposure. It shows everyone that they are a cheatin hoe.

Exposure checklist

WW's parents, her siblings, being she is young her g parents, WW anunts and uncles, her close friends, if they met at work then expose there, OMW, OM parents, OM g parents.

Mon,

You should understand that while we don't know your wife, we know your WW. We've seen her here a lot. She comes in all shapes and sizes and races, but her behavior is nearly identical in every single case.

Sometimes the WW wakes up right away and starts to work things out with her H.

Other times she takes a while to do it.

And other times she's lost already and will not come back at all.

The actions in dealing with her are the same regardless of the outcome that will happen.

And she ALWAYS says the same stuff:

"I love you but I'm not in love with you."
"I don't know you."
"I feel trapped."
"Don't you want me to be happy?"
"OM is the love of my life. He's my soulmate."

Upon exposure:

"You ruined his life!"
"You're ruining my life!"
"I hate you!"
"You just ruined any chance we had at saving this. I was going to give you a chance before but you just destroyed that!"
"You're just doing this to be vindictive!"
"You violated my privacy!" (More on this later)

And it goes on and on. We've seen your WW here many, many times and the behavior is ALWAYS the same.

Now there are two types of betrayed husbands. There's those that live in fear of their wives and those that don't and take action and do something. The ones that succeed are the latter. The ones that don't are the former.

Fear and hope and love will get you nowhere.

Crying and whining will get you nowhere.

One big thing to do is to start acting like she's already lost. Almost like this poor lost child that you feel warmth towards, but who will be gone soon.

So you start to carry on with your life. Plan A isn't Plan Whine or Plan Doormat.

It's treating her well, like you would a house guest, but NOT allowing yourself to be treated badly or get beaten up by her on an emotional level. It means calmly looking at her when she rants and raves and acting normal in the face of madness.

When she rants and raves, you simply respond with "I'm doing everything I can to save our marriage."

That's it. No more explanation needed.

Here's the 180, which is a great guide on what to do. These aren't hard and fast rules, but are a great guide to help those that are lost on how to behave.

180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)

So here's the list:

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

No frequent phone calls.

Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

Don't follow her/him around the house.

Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

Don't ask for reassurances.

Don't buy or give gifts.

Don't schedule dates together.

Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue?
No matter how much you want to!

If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!

Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back.

Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

Don't be overly enthusiastic.

Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person.

This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."

One more thought:

You're young. That youth is your enemy right now. You haven't had the life experience to understand and know that not only is your wife's behavior beyond intollerable, she is, in fact, replaceable in every respect.

You also don't have the life experience to know that your view of her is clouded by your emotions for her. You love her and think she's all that while you have friend and family that think, "Boy, Mon could do so much better."

I've been throught the ringer a bit and I'm not much older than you (10 years). BUT.....I've learned a ton in those ten years.

What you're doing right now is no way to live.

You're young and are wasting your youth on a woman that simply isn't worth it.

You have no children with her. It's really about the only incentive she would have had to try to work something out with you, if it was going to happen at all.

What incentive does she have to return to you?

She doesn't love you. That's pretty clear.

She has no children with you.

She has no respect for you or your feelings. She doesn't respect her vows, her God, or the institution of marriage.

You think she's worth saving. Give yourself a few years away from her and you'll think, "My God, what did I ever see in her?"

Rightn now you should be talking to a lawyer and preparing to crucify her in court and take EVERYTHING.

Then, once that is done, you can walk away still in your twenties and with tons of great women out in the world.

Believe me, they're out there and they're awesome.

BUT...You want to try to save things. That's fine. We'll help you.

But understand that you're better than this and deserve to be treated better than this and she is disposable.

NO ONE is worth living this way. The second you accept this fact, the better you will do with either her or some future woman.

I just re-read your first post.

The only thing you have ever done which shows you have balls and brains that function somewhere inside all that fear you live with was the fact that you separated your finances.

Now what should you do?

Isolate her financially. She wants to cheat, then she can get her cheating a$$ a job, but you will not support her affair.

That means you cancel all joint credit cards, bank accounts, and cell phones.

You cutoff her cell phone if you pay for it.

Take the car back if it's in your name.

Believe me, it's counterintuitive, but this is stuff you should be doing because it is how she deserves to be treated right now as your wife.

She doesn't deserve to be treated like a wife you love because she's not acting like the wife you love.

Also, you should expose to OM's family and parents.

What state does he live in? You should be filing an Alienation of Affection lawsuit where you sue him for having an affair with your wife.

Start making his life miserable, to include calling him and telling him to stay the hell away from her.

Exposure extends to him and his work and his family and friends.

Let them put pressure on him to leave a married woman alone.

And don't be surprised if he has other girlfriends. Contact her if he does.

Exposure lets things out in the open to put an end to the affair.

And you must demand no contact for life from your WW.

Final warning for you to think about:

Your WW may already be lost forever. This may never be salvageable.

But I can guarantee you that you will regret not taking action if and when you heal from all of this.

Exposure works. Acting like a man works. Releasing your fear of her works.

What you're doind and have done does not.

Excellent help.

Now, what should the message be that I give to family? Rough draft. Should I mention the physical affair as well as mental affair? What details could be added?

Dear loved one,

I want to implore you for strength and prayers for both "wifes name" and mines marriage. I care and love for her. I humbly inform you so that you may pray for us and offer any guidance in wisdom that you may wish to offer.

I do not say this to hurt nor harm. “Wife’s name” my wife and mine's marriage has been affected by an affair. There is another man "named" who has been allowed into our lives in ways that should only be present in the holy matrimony and sanctity of marriage.

Plainly, “wife’s name” has allowed an emotional and physical involvement with another man to occur in our lives which has brought great pain on our marriage. She has been unable to end this affair on her own and at mine and our counselor’s direction.

Please keep your prayers with us in this time as we work to strengthen our marriage and work on the love that we have for one another,

Sincerely,

"Me"

Who do you need to still expose on the check list?

And as Baron said time to cut her off financially.

I have no means to cut her off financially. She is employed. And that would seem vindictive I believe.

No, it is not vindictive, it is letting her finance her affair HERSELF.

Why should YOU have to pay for her affair?!

You want to know what happens when you let your WW run all over you? Someone get pom in here!!

This is what you don't get. She's an enemy right now. It is not vindictive to protect your finances.

She wants to act single, then by all means, let her support herself.

Do you not understand? She wants to act single. So treat her that way.

Ex husbands don't voluntarily support their ex wives.

You have no obligation to her if she acts that way.

It blows my mind how betrayed husbands have a woman that f***s another man and is concerned about 1. ticking her off and 2. appearing vindictive.

No, isolating her financially is not vindictive. It's smart.

But don't listen to a man who was literally robbed by his wife for doing EXCATLY what you're doing.

YOU are different and special from all the hundreds of other men who come here with the exact same story.

So go ahead and keep trusting her with your finances and keep funding her affair if that's the approach you think that works.

In my three years here, I've never seen it happen.

And yes, you're like dozens and dozens of other men who think the same way and then get burned.

What I say may sound harsh. But I'm trying to wake you up. Your finances are in peril.

Pi$$sing her off should be the least of your worries. Securing your finances and rights as a father should be number one.

Were you asking about if I could think of any others or if anyone else had any more ideas?


Exposure checklist

WW's parents - One already knows, he seemed to be sheltering the mother from the truth.
Her siblings - One supposedly knows, but the depth of the truth is uncertain.
g parents - She loves her grandmother, hates her grandfather.
WW anunts and uncles - Two already know, soon this will include them all.
close friends - Will have to get her phone and prepair a call list.
OMW - Unknown if other woman
OM parents - have mothers phone now
OM g parents - Will ask OM mother to spread the same letter.

IS THERE A WAY TO DOWNLOAD A PHONES LIST OF NUMBERS QUICKLY?