Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
#2187076 01/04/09 04:56 PM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
Before you ask, YES I know this is an infidelity forum. However, you all are so knowledgeable that I knew you could offer some good advice.

My brother is 18 years old and has been dating a 15 year old girl for almost a year.

Today, for some reason--I don't have all the details--her grandmother has decided to ask him to marry her GD, the girlfriend. She will be 16 soon, I believe.

Is there any advice you can give me about helping my brother with removing his head from his posterior?

Our father apparently knew and NEGLECTED to tell us, but that is no surprise since he's girl crazy too.


This comes after we moved 50 miles away from the town we were in. Out of nowhere!


What can I do?


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
My uncle is outside as I type trying to persuade him to stay here.

If you don't post, please pray for him to COME TO HIS SENSES! TEEF

EDIT: He's back inside and getting a verbal thrashing from our uncle. What can I do to help?

Also, mods, feel free to move this topic into the right forum if you need to.

Last edited by karmasrose; 01/04/09 05:09 PM.

One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,144
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,144
Oh, man. Trying to talk sense to a teenage boy IS like trying to talk sense to a wayward.

Not sure you'll have any impact at all. Maybe it would make more sense to try talking to gf's grandmother?

You DO have my prayers.


Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
Good news. The sheriff has left (my uncle called the sheriff) and my brother has stayed here.

My uncle is trying to tell him how he would have gone to jail since we are in VA and the age of consent is...18, I think?

Thank you for your support. smile

EDIT: The GF's grandma tried to ENCOURAGE this. Talking to her would do no good.

Last edited by karmasrose; 01/04/09 05:52 PM.

One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
My uncle has told us to not allow my brother to call her under any circumstances, advising us to hide the phones.

My brother has just a few minutes ago asked our grandma (who, while being a sweet and gentle person is easily manipulated by her kids and grandkids)...to call her.

I hid the phones...it's terrible! He's going through what I can only classify as detox...he's crying and being generally irrational.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,144
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,144
Is there anyone (besides gf) that your brother trusts, respects? Even a classmate? Could that person intervene?

Not likely a therapist could make a dent at this point, but maybe a trip to the family doctor? Could the kid be depressed and need short-term meds/counselling?

This is a tough one. Pulling for you, karmarose.


Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 707
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 707
You might try the "scared straight" thing, showing him how he will be prosecuted as a sex offender for contining this relationship(?) Need to check on state laws.

Does sound like a WS in the heat of the "fog." Having worked with college students for almost 20 years I understand when you say he's not in his right mind. Probably immature, hormones raging, sensing he's in "love" and a host of other things.

Do what you can to keep them apart, even if that means calling the police.


D-Papers served May 8th, 2009
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
At this point, things are calm and he is back home. The sheriff was called and my uncle (who is an electrician and will henceforth be referred to as "DU") has forbidden him from calling her--as I've stated before, just going back over the facts.

I think this whole idea of his being prosecuted hasn't scared him a bit, but rather gives him the idea that it is "one more trial of love!"

What is it going to take for him to GET IT? This is the same concern you BS's have with your WS's, I know.

There's no one we can get to talk to him. See, we just moved 50 miles so there's NO ONE who can talk to him.

No therapists, no family doctor--again, since we just moved, we're in the process of acquiring NEW doctors and the like.


As for depression and all, I'm not entirely sure. He has a temper just like our father--and my only fear is that he will abandon us the way our father did--leave his whole family, and step into the girlfriend's family.

Tonight after we had an argument he even threatened to put me through a wall--things like this are commonplace with him, so I ignored it.

He does have anger issues, so maybe that's something to do with it...it's just one big mess that I simply...it's almost too much to bear, really.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 511
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 511
Quote
There's no one we can get to talk to him. See, we just moved 50 miles so there's NO ONE who can talk to him.


Maybe this is part of the problem. He's at that age when peers are of utmost importance and if he has nobody else then this girl has come to mean everything to him. I know this doesn't sort the problem right now but could he get involved in things where he can meet a wider bunch of friends? Could one of his old friends come to stay for a night or two?


Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.
Maya Angelou
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
No, that's not an option. None of his friends have ever come over to the house, and ALL his friends were in this old school of his, so yes, his only option IS this girl.

He should be in college next fall--he graduated earlier, but I'm not sure how the situation will go until then. I worry a LOT what will happen when this girl turns 16...


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 567
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 567
Has he been sheltered from consequences in the past?

Do other's, like you and your uncle, take the responsibility for the right choices?

Sometimes weak boundaries lead to this kind of thing and the only wake up will be consequenses that he suffers himself. Call the police and get them involved in interviewing him for SF with a minor. It might wake him up before it is too late. If he doesn't feel the heat of his recklessness, it will be a pattern that he will continue repeating throughout his life. He will keep on finding bigger things to conquer to get your/anyone's attention and end up in jail or worse.


BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1
Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005
EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08
Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08
Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances.
Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
In all honesty, both of us have been pretty sheltered. The only one who would actually stand up to anyone about their decisions was my grandfather, and as you all know he has passed away.

Now I'm the only person in the family who will.

My grandmother tends to be...well, she complains, but makes things easier for him--allowing him to talk to the GF after he was forbidden by DU to call her for example. She is very easily manipulated by those she loves.

The cops have been out here yesterday, like I've said--but I don't...I don't want to be the one to call them, because I'm already the bad guy for standing up to him about what he does --going off for the whole weekend, that sort of thing. If the cops are out here too much, we may get kicked out of the trailer we just moved into.


A little while before this, he came to me telling me how scared the GF was of SF in general...I didn't think anything of it. What do you suppose that meant?


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
An update. It is two months later and my brother is still seeing this girl.

He has had one overnight stay with her, too. (He gets very mad, almost to the point where you think he'd break something, if he does not get to see her. He takes calls in his room or outside, often in the rain or snow if conditions apply--tease him too much about it [or anything really] and he says he'll put you through a wall)

I don't know what to do. All it takes is her grandmother getting mad at him and he could go to prison for ten years.

(Did I mention her grandma lives with her husband and ex-husband?)


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,278
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,278
Originally Posted by karmasrose
An update. It is two months later and my brother is still seeing this girl.

He has had one overnight stay with her, too. (He gets very mad, almost to the point where you think he'd break something, if he does not get to see her. He takes calls in his room or outside, often in the rain or snow if conditions apply--tease him too much about it [or anything really] and he says he'll put you through a wall)

I don't know what to do. All it takes is her grandmother getting mad at him and he could go to prison for ten years.

(Did I mention her grandma lives with her husband and ex-husband?)

She lives with her husband and ex-husband?

He stayed overnight with her at this house?

Why would grandma get mad at him, then?

Charlotte

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
I'm not saying that she would right now. But if she DID get mad, she would probably have him prosecuted.

I am so worried that that's what she'll do--they've paid enormous expenses for him, even bought his $400+ high school ring.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,278
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,278
Originally Posted by karmasrose
I'm not saying that she would right now. But if she DID get mad, she would probably have him prosecuted.

I am so worried that that's what she'll do--they've paid enormous expenses for him, even bought his $400+ high school ring.

They've supported him financially?

Maybe she's hoping the granddaughter gets knocked up so she'll be someone else's problem.

Charlotte

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
She has had brain surgery, and all that sort of thing. I don't know the extent of her problems, though...


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 6,531
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 6,531
Your brother is a rapist. Report your brother to the police, the school she and he are in, and to her parents. Then let them take care of it. That is all you can do.

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
She goes to the high school 50 miles away. He graduated early. Her parents...um, well, I don't hear much about her mother. She's in the picture, just not...

I don't think I can do this to him. How would I do this without them knowing who did it?

Doing so would probably get me thrown out of the house or something.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 6,531
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 6,531
I don't think I can do this to him. How would I do this without them knowing who did it?

There are many ways. First send an anonomous note to the school and copy the police department and send a copy there too. Then, copy her parents. An anonomous note is fine if you copy it to everyone. Then all the people who get the copies will have to take action.

Better yet:

Write one anonomous letter. Make it seem like it is from one of the girl's girlfriends or even a church or some other person she knows. Put a return address on it that is NOT your own.

Then, send copies to, and list all the people you are copying:

1. Her school
2. His school or work
3. Your parents
4. Her parents
5. Your grandparents
6. Any other adults she is in contact with
7. The police department
8. The school counseling office
9. Your brother himself

The idea is to copy all these people and sent many copies to all of these people without letting anyone know you did it.

Then, never tell that you did it. Everyone will know and can take action but you will never be implicated in this if you do it carefully.

Last edited by Stellakat; 03/08/09 03:00 PM.
Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,116 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5