Where is the acronyms page? I can't find it so my family that are involved can understand what you guys are saying sometimes.

Moncouer - don't believe the folks here, then. But do go to the Coaching Center page and make an appt with the Harley's for counseling and hear it from the horse's mouth. Also, please go to your nearest bookstore or Amazon and pick up a copy of Surviving An Affair.

Good luck.

I see, and it would be your exposing the truth about her actions that would cause this, not her actual actions, huh? But I can speak from the "Scarlett Letter" side of the fence, and I can tell you that I don't wear one around people that know me that know about my affair...Wanna know why? Because I am a RECOVERED Former WW...My actions and my words match with not being a WW anymore and those people that know respect me very much for changing...Moncouer, we are advising you on how to give your wife an impetus for change...


I could agree to this ONLY IF the counselor was Steve Harley...I have seen him advise to wait on exposure until after HE had spoken with the wayward himself...However, he will advise you to expose if he sees that your WW is simply trying to play you...I would NOT advise you to do this with any other counselor though...Most counselors know NOTHING about the dynamics of infidelity...Did you know for instance that marriage counselors have an 84% failure rate in saving marriages? Pretty scary stat, eh?

Are you willing to give Steve Harley a call Moncouer?


Have those people that you've exposed to spoken to your WW about her affair?


Well, I've got a few more posts than that under my belt and a recovered marriage to boot...

Did you read Dr. Harley's words that I posted to you Moncouer? He surely has more than a few measely posts to his name on the subject of infidelity...


I apologize if you feel badgered...People here only want to help you...We are hoping that you will learn from our experiences...


The problem is though that time is not on your side here...I see a lot of conflict avoidance and fear, Moncouer...Neither of those things will help your circumstances...

Question: What would "they" have against exposing on OM's side of the fence?

Mrs. W

(Much of the below is my argument to my family who I have told about this.)

I am not desperate. I am not disillusion. I'm rational and wise. I am not angry. I am not crying. I am not hateful.

I am concerned for her. I am loving. I am thinking of her. I've only sworn at her ever in my life under one condition, each time she refused to stop the affair.


I do know the other man's mother would castrate him for his current actions. The other mans mother had apparently said often that he'd try and hit on my wife and they'd cheat. Seriously. And look where I am for not listening to HIS mother?

I think in such a case, they might be more on board with THAT.

Although my wife would feel I'm unjustly attacking the other man only.

Which would mean my wife's family would have to say they were on board...

Which would mean her family would have to express they know and are supporting me. Which means they would have to support the method of exposure.

What is frustrating is my wayward wife's father won't support this. I know he won't because it means that his wife would have to learn of my wife's actions. So...because of that I am forced to watch my wife walk away from me, because I can't disrespect him. It would be like telling my own parents that I don't care about their opinion's...or hurting them on purpose. ...BUT some hard and painful pills need swallowing! One child's affair is nothing to the death and destruction in the world. My father-in-law can't shield his wife from that and it's way worse than her daughter's adultery.

I have to stand here...and not act because if I go forward his wife will eventually learn because for this to work it'll have to start with family, extended, and close friends. To save my marriage from my wife's affair I'll have to piss off my father in law if I were to do this.


Exposure is exactly what I feel needs to happen. This is an affair...she created this. I did not. I did not MAKE her sleep with another man. There are consequences and one of them is unavoidably....that she will have to accept shame. And then be humbled for it. As it stands, she will not be humbled when the crime is not exposed.

For some reason everyone thinks that her actions will always mark her... They won't. I'll make sure of it. They can't mark her because I love her and if the person who does the exposing wants to love the betrayer how can the family choose but to not love her still? It's all about supporting an addict away from their addiction.

Just because she is an adult "grown up" doesn't mean she should be absolved of feeling shame or being hurt for her chosen actions.

I am not attacking her or seeking revenge. It is purely as you say shining light on a fungus and if this is so bad that it shouldn't be "revealed" for the permanent damage she is doing, what is my "family" expect of me to do when she is the one who is slowly creating a fantasy that I'm the wrong doer. And in this fantasy walking away.

I love her. I'm still loving her. I'm doing everything in my power to restore my marriage and restore her to reality. If I wanted to hurt her there are vile things that come to mind. We are adults who know things about one another that if I were to tell, would hurt her. I don't because I love her.[b] I WOULDN'T ever do anything that was meant to hurt her...I mean to heal.

This is all about fixing...a surgeon must cut open a patient before they can remove the ailment. This is exactly the same case.



[/b]

Monc...

If you expose the affair and end up recovering your marriage, your wife will view you as a HERO for saving her from herself...for saving your marriage...Count on it...Sure, she will be mad at first, but as you've been told, your marriage CAN survive your wife's anger, it CANNOT survive her ongoing affair...

Call the OM's mother and expose...

Mrs. W

Are you willing to give Steve Harley a call Moncouer?

How do I go about this? The cost is like...300 bucks.

And how do I get her to talk to him? Would I be there or just her?

Because each session would be expensive.

Sessions are $195 each...They do have discounted packages...I believe that is 5 sessions at a cost of $175 each...I KNOW it sounds expensive, but it is much cheaper than divorce AND you are getting THE experts on the topic...The Harleys are far different from typical marriage counselors and can get more done in ONE session than your average counselor could do in 5...and that would be if you had a GOOD counselor...After calling Steve, you will have a PLAN...That is what you desperately need Monc...A plan tailor made for YOU...

Usually a great way to get your wife to participate is to tell her that this counselor needs her input in order to help you...Then Steve will typically split up the call...he will talk to you for half of it and your wife for the other half...a brilliant approach...

Here is the link to the coaching center~~~> MB Coaching Center All the info about how to set it up is there...

Mrs. W

Can these sessions be billed to health insurance?

I love the website so I have a hard time not agreeing. I'm willing to put five sessions in and see where we go.

Now...would I be exposing first or session's then expose? How does that work?

Basically with sessions, what is the order of business?

Monc,

I honestly can't help you on the health insurance question...I simply do not know the answer to that...If I were you I'd call the MB offices first thing in the morning and ask them...I'm gonna take a guess and say that they will happily provide you with a receipt that you can then submit to your insurance company...

Because of your reticience regarding exposure, IF you will call and make your appointment first thing in the morning, then I'd say you can wait and talk to Steve...Let him advise you on that...As I told you earlier, he will be able to tailor a plan especially for you based upon your situation...Because he is the professional he can tweak the MB advice for you and your situation - Something that no one here posting to you is qualified to do...

Mrs. W

I'm assuming that my 60 posts are the ones you are referring to.

I've been on this board for 3 years.

I've posted over 2000 times about myself or to others.

I'm here under a different name because my exww has tried to use my posts against me.

So I may sound harsh, but it's because 2x4s are intended to wake you up since you have nothing but fear for this cheating adulterous woman that has zero respect for you because you allow her to disrespect you in a horrible way.

Seriously, how could you possibly have agreed to let her kiss another man is beyond me.

But that's not relevant anymore. It happened.

Now exposure must happen and it appears you're on the path to do that, but it MUST happen.

And your WW will be ticked. She will say all the things we predicted.

And again:

Your wife is gone. There's nothing to entice her to come back since you have no children with her or family to restore.

Act with this reality in mind and you will move forward fairly quickly. Might even entice her to return when she sees that you're moving on with your life.

So I should schedule an appointment with my wife involved to see from there?

2x4's?

Not meeting there I'm pretty damn sure. It's here Alumni college event.

I'm certain of that due to evidence.

Monc...

If I were you, I'd let my first appointment with Steve be for just you...That will help you get all your ducks in a row and he will give you line by line what to say to your wife to get her engaged in counseling with him...

Mrs. W

Submitted for an appointment.

I still am going to need her fathers acceptance. It took me everything just to tell him what his daughter is doing to me. Asking him to let me follow through with exposure and support me in it is tough.

I mistakenly told him that he wouldn't have to do anything with the exposure...but I feel bad now because I lied without knowing it. For it to work people need to be critical of my Wayward wife's actions here.

If I don't get his acceptance this will be hard because I will need him to tell her she is wrong when she "attacks" me for exposing her.

From the beginning I've felt that my wife was addicted...based on her words and actions and justification. I found "love addiction" and then thought about exposing her via family like an intervention. Friends around me were skeptical...socially we don't accept that kind of action in "romantic" involvements of people.

So...why is it looked down on when one party is asking for it? I'm telling my family I need them to join me in an intervention and they balk and feel that it's not the right course.

If she was on heroin they'd do it in a heartbeat, but since she's addicted to an "emotional" attachment that is unhealthy for OUR marriage they feel that they shouldn't get involved.


It takes a village to raise a child... That encompasses all periods of that child's life.

I'm so distraught that they don't trust my assessment even as they agree that she's being bat-shiet-crazy.

My family that are involved tell me to wait, it won't last... but they don't realize that for it to not last will mean that I'll be divorced before she figures out her mistake and loses me.

And loses herself.

Affairs aren't free will...they are lost reason. Why is it so hard for others to see that?

EDIT: They don't think they shouldn't get involved... They just don't trust the way I'm wanting them to get involved.

Monc,

I very easily came to the conclusion after your 16 pages of posts that you lack the testicular fortitude to do anything about your wife's infidelity. That's too bad.

You've now broken your wedding vows by not doing everything in your power to protect your wife. Actually, you did that when you LET YOUR WIFE KISS OM!!! Did you enjoy that in some perverse way?

Don't you see the sickness in that?

I hope you're a troll because you're not a husband.

Sorry, I don't sugar coat things.

And I'm guessing she didn't show enthusiasm for that high tech computer you built because she knew it was only to support your gaming addiction which further distracted you from your marriage.

Sounds like you are easily manipulated by your wife.

She can get you to do almost ANYTHING by threatening divorce, threatening she won't love you, or that she will leave you.

Wow, just wow...she won't leave you because she can push you around and get you to do almost anything she wants...

So how do you take back control of you life and your M?

You say you have read things on here...other than the forums, read Dr. Harley's advice and articles.

People who don't know about the Harley's will give you advice counter to MB advice, and that is to be expected. Before you take their advice ask if they have lived through infidelity though. The rules change when you actually live through it.

Truth is not the enemy of you M, it's the enemy of the A. The A is the enemy of your M. So do you want to stop the A or stop your M? The choice is yours.

If you want to stop your M then don't expose, do whatever your W wants you to, agree to letting her maintain the R with the OM. Believe whatever she tells you, do not check up on her, and keep it secret. Oh yeah, blame yourself but don't do anything about changing yourself or your role in the M. You do this and you will be D by the end of the year...

You want your M? Then you have to end the A. The tried and true methods of ending the A is with Plan A...letting the truth of the A out...telling/exposing to anyone that cares. Don't tell them what to do, to apply pressure, let them make up their own minds of what to do... You are not the insipid, no-nothing H waiting at home for her to get a clue, you are knowledgeable, and not sitting around. You will also make this a M she will want to return to. You make yourself look like prime rib and the OM like chopped liver. You fawn on her all the EN's she needs (and if you don't know what EN's are, you need to do some more reading here my man...)

No one can do this for you, got to do it on your own.

Is your M worth it? Only you can tell.

Is your love for her greater than your fear of losing her?

"him to let me follow through with exposure"

You need your FIL permission?

What not get your mom's permission?