Well here is my story...I was on MB under another name last year but cant log in with that for some reason so i have to start over.
last year my FWW was having an affair, I was a mess. tried plan A, but not very good effort. eventually she moved out after months of sleeping on the couch and fights. I tried everything to end the affair, including exposing to everyone I could, but it didnt really matter.
Then as all affairs do, it ended. we were both pissed at each other and stayed apart with no discussion of recovery. we both dated other people. Then she finally asked me to meet for lunch and we talked about everything. It turned out that her AP was a lying, piece of ****, big surprise! She told me had ended the A before she even moved out, but wanted the space to figure out what she really wanted and was in IC the whole time. Now she really wants to work on our marriage 100% and possibly move back in. We went back to MC for the first session which was pretty uneventful, and have been arguing alot since then.
My problem is that I'm having a hard time deciding if I want to stay together. I tried SOOO hard to get her to end the affair and when she left it was like the final blow. I had to give up on her and move on becuase the pain i went through for all that time got to be too much.
Now she wants to come home and work it out.
Another problem for me is that my family all knows what she did, details and all. Now that I am about to begin recovery I don't know how to deal with my family. I know they should support my decision, but i know they will always hold it against her. I just hope someone here has been in my position and can offer some advice. I know I left out a lot of the details, but this should be a pretty good start.

date each other for awhile - see how you feel in ... say .... 6 weeks

no need to make an announcement to the family until you know what your decision will be

That is called a consequence. When someone harms a family member, the rest of the family has hard feelings about it. They will need to be assured that she won't do that to you again. She has to earn that trust and respect back.

When you act shabby, folks lose respect. That is simple cause and effect. But she is a big girl and she can take it.

Agree with Pep, take your time and move very slowly. Make sure she has changed enough to be marriage material before you even think of taking her home to your family.

2confuzed,

I am curious, what is it that you and FWW are arguing about now, that doesn't sound like a good sign.

My experience, I was a WW, we were seperated for over 2 years, my BH dated quite a bit and practically had another woman living with him that in that time.

After my affair ended, I took a little bit of time to get my head on straight, then I asked my BH for a chance at reconcilation.

Since he had dated alot during the seperation, him accepting me back seemed like it was valid, not just him being desperate or scared of being alone.

I was 100% committed to recovery and repairing the damage I had done. So I do believe there is hope for a FWW.

But, my H started his own affair within a year and we are now divorced. That is still a mystery to me, it seems he would have been better off having never agreeing to reconcilation.

Anyway, my point is that I believe a repeantant WS can be a great spouse IF you can get past the pain of the affair.

But, what are you and WW arguing about?

I agree with pepper too. But it is important what you're arguing about. I take it isn't over who loves the other more.

As far as your family understanding and accepting her, I can relate. MY in-laws knew everything about my A. I was scared to be anywhere near them and they didnt want me coming around either. They were hurt and upset at what I had done. After a month or so H invited me to come by their house to eat and not thinking I accepted readily. When it came down to the time for us to go I was so scared and almost backed out. In the end I went and when my MIL saw me she looked p*****. I was so ashamed that I wanted to run out and hide. She saw how remorseful I was and gave me a big hug and told me she still loved me.

I have no idea how your WW feels nor your family, but it can end up where people can forgive. My MIL and I are best friends again today and she knows all my dirty laundry.

I hope the best for you.

Thanks for the responses....as far as the arguing its mostly been becuase FWW wants to talk about all the things I did that caused her to withdrawl and eventually led to her A. She knows theres no excuse for what she did and is willing to discuss anything I want about her A and what I need from her also. But when she brings up certain issues that drove us apart I have a hard time agreeing with her on some of the things and I get really angry. I almost feel like she is being selfish.
The main point she has is that I would not give my job to move in with her in a different state (originally i had told her I would but later realized that i would have to take a huge step backwards in my career to do so). Its a long story but she eneded up giving up her job to be with me, and when she wasnt happy about our living situation I told her that it would change. and so every time she asked me to find a new place it caused an argument, and she eventually withdrew after months of this. Then we finally found a new place and I got a better job, but the damage was done, and we were like roommates more than husband and wife. then she had the A....
So what she is telling me is that she feels that I put my job abover her needs. And i can see how she feel that way, but being the one who makes most of the money, in my mind I was tring to make sure we would be financially secure in the future.
So that is what we've been fightin about...I know its a little rediculous and hopefully the counselor will shed some light on this.
The other issue is the lack of physical contact. I am very phyiscal and have always been. But since we've been "dating" again for several months now I would like there to be at least a little physical contact. Am I getting ahead of myself? I was always the one to initate S and I am so affraid that its going to be that way forever...Her reason for not being physical right now is that she needs to get past all the things that happened in the past that made her withdrawl in the first place, so this is like a huge viciuos cycle..

Her reason is she knows how physical you are. I hope you know this. But intercourse between man and wife is the mans chief indicator of how the marriage is. Women's chief way is communication. I am sorry but your wife is using this as a control measure with you. She is basically able to say "I gave it to the other man to make you feel that our marriage is over, and I will decide when I want to let you feel secure about our marriage again" I think she is wanting to come back on her terms. In my view her pride will overide her heart. were there alot of tears and contrition about her cheating on you. Did she come to you in a mascara and snot running mess? You were practically healed. And now she sounds like she wants back in the marriage with a negotiated cease fire. Put it this way. If she can screw some guy to get out of the marriage. Why isn't she willing to screw you to get back in it. Shes a game player be careful.

So she went and had the affair and now she wants back, BUT only after she reems you for being so selfish?

If you were that bad, why does she want to come back??

Again, I am a FWW and I knew what kind of H my H was, he was crappy before my A and continued the crappiness after we reconciled. BUT, I was in no position to demand any changes from him. I knew what I was getting back into when I asked for reconciliation.

I did ask for one thing from the reconciliation, I did not want to return to a celibate marriage. I did ask that sex be a part of our marriage-that didn't seem too out of line to me.

Your WW is NOT in a position to be taking your inventory, what is SHE willing to bring to the table.

Hello 2confuzed,

Your FWW is trying to make sense out of nonsense...

She is trying to assign a point value to her affair AND to all of your perceived wrongdoing in an attempt to level the playing field. She does NOT want to be the only one to blame for the affair...

Even though SHE is totally responsible for the affair.

As you already know.

YOU TWO WILL GO ROUND AND ROUND FOR YEARS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT EACH OF YOUR SHARE OF THE BLAME!!!

This must stop.

The only way for this to work is for you BOTH to forgive each other and to start a NEW relationship based on truth, honesty and respect.

There are of course other ways to do it however the way that my wife and I chose was to have a simple gold band made for her to replace her wedding ring engraved with PRH and our d-day. It stood for the Policy of Radical Honesty and meant that from that date our marriage was new and unblemished without lies.

It replaced the old wedding ring which did not mean what it should anymore...

If anyone asked about the ring my wife told them she had broken it and needed a new one...

which was more true than they would ever know.

If you try to keep going back to all of the mistakes and rehashing them you will never recover...

It takes a new start from BOTH of you.

God bless.

Jim

I'm a former FWW and I do disagree with Jean on a long term basis.. but not a short term one.
If changes are not made in both of you then you will sooner or later be back in a M where the affair started if you reconcile on the basis of I'll take what I can get..

The first thing is to think of the idea of starting a NEW Marriage .... let the old one die its death.

In the new M you MUST use POJA and that means 2c that you don't make unilateral decisions because you feel you know best... that is if you want a decent M and not a repeat of the old one.

Your wife MUST not use the past as an excuse even to discount the M condition before the affair. There is simply NO EXCUSE for an affair. It you are so unhappy get a bloody divorce. My MC quote there!!

She too must use POJA and total honesty and openess. She must show she has nothing to hide and that you 2c can look for as long as you like.... no secrets means it doesn't bother you to be looked at. I'm happy for my H to do any looking at any time.. with nothing to hide it really is of no concern. .. these days I'm not sure he ever looks but I have no concern one way or the other.

Both of you MUST be prepared to follow POJA rules... no action if both of you are not enthusiastic for it. You will be surprised how simple it becomes between two people when you discuss things openly and without placing caveats on your discussions. e,g I have already made up my mind so lets discuss it as long as you like because it doesn't matter etc.

It is useless to bring up the past right now without placing it in context and more correctly in a good MC environment otherwise its really just the two of you telling each other how much you suck .. not very productive.

The simple fact is that both of you failed in the marriage before the affair. A marriage does not get to such a place without both of contributing both good and bad to it.

The affair has fundamentally changed everything.

It no longer is just a case of a damaged M.. the old M was murdered. Its dead.

There IS a lot of hurt here.. pain and loss... and you should seriously be looking at getting the Harleys involved in this. Or one of their affiliate counsellors as a absolute condition of any reconciliation work.

You have all the issues of a BS.. she has all the issues of FWW... if there is any hope you need help to work through it all and you can bet it will not be easy.

If it fails... or if it appears she is unwilling to change then you have your answer and you will need to choose.

I feel there is a chance.. at the least a good one of finding out if its really workable between you with a good MC... I feel there little chance without one. She sees only the old M problems.. you see only the betrayal.

Break the stalemate ... get a Harley MC on the job.

You are right AW, thanks for pointing out the long term plan.

I guess I just got rubbed the wrong way with this WW saying "Look what you made me do you big, old, bad BH. IF you change, I will come back".

I agree with all AW about dead marriage and new one. Set the framework for your new marriage.

As a two time WS I can tell you there will be pain, there will be arguments, and there will be highs and lows.

Exposing to family is double edged sword. One one hand it helps end the affair. On other hand it makes recovery difficult because I felt like I was trying to recover my marriage AND convince my family this was the right thing.

And it will be hard for your WW to look them in the eye. But she will have to learn to do just that.

I agree to be patient and take your time. Took a long time to wreck your marraige...will take longer to recover it.

If you have no kids with this woman, then ditch her. She's not worth it. NO woman is worth it. NONE. No man is worth it.

Why spend the rest of your life looking into the eyes of someone who betrayed you, stuck a knife in your back, and then said that it was your fault that she strayed.

The second she starts this, "you sucked as a H because...."

Stop her and tell her you don't want to hear it. Take control and draw your boundary and make it very clear to her, "You messed up, not me. I can find another woman that I don't have to deal with her cheating and who will accept me for who I am. You have ZERO right to say anything to me right now after what you've done."

Seriously, no woman is worth any of this. Plenty of great ones out there who will accept you as you are, flaws and all.

Baron is right. I would tell her this. By comparison of wrongs done. It is like trying to compare, murder to petty theft. I think as glaring as the adultery, is the fact that she initially wanted you to move to where she was and take a step down in your career. Just look at that situation for a moment. She wanted to be on top, or in control of the marriage and you from the start. She showing the very same control issues now. What she is looking for is coming back into the marriage on a completely equal footing. She wants equal blame put on both parties. You did nothing wrong in expecting her to make the initial sacrifice. That's what you do in marriage. For the first 20 years of our marriage I sacrificed where we lived because of her family (mom and dad), Then it was not disrupting the kid in high school. Well after her parents died, and the kid graduated, I sent her out to Arizona from California on a Sunday. Joined her on Wednesday, bought a house on Friday. Sold our house the next weekend and moved in under 30 days. She freaked. I didn't give a damn. My turn. As a postscript. If we had remained in California. We would literally be financially ruined by now. We are eating cake here. She tells me at least once a week, that she is so happy I forced her to move here (of course after she sees how things are coming apart in CA). This was an example of what you are supposed to do in marriage. YOU GUYS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE A TEAM. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SO CLOSE THAT THE LINES BETWEEN YOU AS INDIVIDUALS ARE BLURRED OR NON-EXISTENT. WHEN PEOPLE SAY YOUR NAME THEY SAY JIM AND LOIS. YOU ARE SO TIGHT THAT THE FIRST THING THAT COMES TO YOUR MIND WHEN PRESENTED WITH MAKING A DECISION IS "WHAT WOULD LOIS THINK". If she is fighting for power in the marriage, especially after cheating, she isn't interested in being "TIGHT". She is interested in being two individuals living together. Dump her until she humbles herself, and tells you that what she wants isn't important. "My love for you and desire to restore our marriage, so outweighs every other want or need that I have, that by comparison it is like the sun eclipsing the moon." Can you say that about her?

Well this is exactly the stuff I need to hear. Last year when I was on MB it was the same bluntness that got me to stand up and tell her to get her own place if she wasnt gonna stop the A, and it seems like I'm slipping back into the same pattern. It's a tough place to be in though because theres a lot of other things Im leaving out. We do have a great time spending time together, it just like a good friends hip and nothing else though....Some days I feel like we really could work it out and have a great marriage, but then I wonder to myself if Im going to regret wasting my time any more with her. We're only 29/28yrs old (Been together for 10) no kids, so I feel like its now or never. Tomorow night were going to MC and well see what happens there but Im going to make sure that I bring up all the major things that I feel she needs to get over if she wants me to take her back...

This is really about your BOUNDARIES and nothing else.

YOU have to decide what is and is not acceptable to YOU and then act on that. You cannot "make" her do anything.

You have control over YOU and no one else.