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Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 24
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jaruuk Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2009
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So my wife has been back a week now and nothing has changed. Turns out her plan for the return was still communicating with the other guy in New York and actually leaving for a month every 6 months leaving the kids behind! It's so she can have her freedom to hang out with her NY friends. I'll say, it's her freedom to boink the other guy. What nerve. She says I'm no longer in her heart but I can try to win it back little by little. In the meantime, she's going to keep communicating with the one who is. That's her plan which I agreed to for a day before realizing that Dr Harley says reconciliation is nearly impossible with continued contact.

So I moved to plan B and told her to cut off all contact but without being angry or demanding, always using Dr Harley's name in to explain why. She said maybe I can go live with him instead and stormed off saying it was over. Then a few hours later she regained her composure and said fine, I'll live with you another 8-10 years until the kids are old enough but you be their dad I'll be their mom, and that's that. That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard.

But she still didn't cut contact. So then I informed her parents. And they contacted the other guy not to make contact. He agreed. But he too lied because he called her the very next day. So then things escalated and her parents called her. That was the last thing she wanted them to know. She is so mad at me she said that's the last straw, now we're really getting divorced. She threatened to move out and a lot of things. Both myself and her parents have no idea what to do next. We think she's just pissed because her affair will finally end. But I shudder to think what will happen next. Any advice?

Joined: Apr 2006
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Jaruuck-

I'm not sure if you have any other threads here, so I am unsure of your story. That said-what kind of Plan B are you in?


Plan A is where you work on yourself and make your home and your M attractive. A WS may go between both the AP and the BS to get their needs met. It is also the place where you expose the A.


Plan B is where YOU tell your WS that YOU will have no more contact with THEM to protect the love you have for them.

Have you read "Surviving the Affair?" which outlines and illustrates Plan A/B?

You seem to have them all mixed together.



johnstwin-

"I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." -Martin Luther

Remarried my FXH 25 years to the day of our first M. God is so good-and sometimes so unexpected!

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jaruuk Offline OP
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Yes, I guess I was mistaken. I'm at a harsher form of Plan A. Don't have that book, just the article on this site. If Plan B is separation, then it's not an option for me. Guess I'll have to use a stringent Plan A or the next step is divorce. Thanks

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I think it would help you to get the book. Exposure, Plan A and Plan B each are steps that Dr. Harley has outlined that can help you recover your M.

In Plan A, the goal is to meet your WW's emotional needs and work on yourself without love busting. "Harsher" and "stringent" aren't really words that would describe Plan A, even in the article.

It's kind of like if you follow a recipe but only glance at the ingredients like my DD did the first time she made banana bread.

She saw "baking powder" but didn't really read it carefully and put in baking soda so instead of banana bread, she got a banana brick.

A "harsher" Plan A is a bit like that banana brick. It isn't really a Plan A at all.

Plan B is for you to have as little contact with your WW as possible. Plan B means not supporting your WW in her A, either emotionally or financially until she commits to the M and to having NC with the OP for life. Plan B protects any love you have left for her by keeping you from her selfishness and it forces the OP to meet all her needs.

Surviving an Affair gives really good steps for how to implement both plans. It's not a legal separation.

You might want to give the book a try.


johnstwin-

"I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." -Martin Luther

Remarried my FXH 25 years to the day of our first M. God is so good-and sometimes so unexpected!


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