Monc,

I was just like you in my situation. I was paralyzed by fear. I was afraid of my WW the same way you are. All she needed to do was tell me, "That's it! We're going to divorce and it's going to be ugly and there's no chance for us to be together again!"

I would then surrender.

I didn't realize how pathetic I was until I had time and space and years on MB seeing other men behave in the same way.

So my advice to you comes from the perspective of completely understanding the fear you feel.

Here's the thing: Who cares what her father thinks? Seriously, who cares?

You can't count on support from her family. Blood is thicker than mud and you must assume they will take her side.

There's another realization that comes with age and that is that you can't control a single thing others choose to do. All you can do is inform them and make a suggestion, but other than that, they're on their own.

You need to move forward with your plans regardless of whether or not you have the support of her family. You simply tell them of the affair. How they handle that information is completely out of your control.

Sure, it would be great to have them support you, but that's not a guarantee.

So you tell him and move forward. You tell everyone, and move forward regardless.

You can't control what they do with the info. Some will help you. Others won't. But exposure still has to happen.

And you should be looking into whether or not you can sue the other man for Alienation of Affection.

The worst thing you can do, and something which you will kick yourself later for, is to respond to her with fear.

You'll shake your head in shame when you look back at this time period and see the indecisiveness or flat out pathetic behavior (crying, begging, cowering, fear) that you're going through.

It's normal, but you must fight it. Fight it for your dignity as a man and to have her respect you, because Plan Doormat never works on these boards.

they are wrong. They don't have the experience to know. They haven't seen it work. They aren't studying the psychology of the issue and know that shining light on an affair shows it for all its slimy disgusting mess so that the two are ashamed of themselves. They don't realize that having all their family and friends and coworkers look at them with disgust will seriously make them stop in their tracks and reassess if this affair is really worth it.

And your WW is playing you, telling you not to tell. When she says that, just say 'I'm not the one who is cheating and lying. You don't tell me what to do any more.'

Grow some self-respect, man!

Your right, i've constantly responded with fear.

Every time I've cowered.

And how do I respond to statements of I'm divorcing you? Just ignore it?

You call their bluff and start to talk about what it will take...

My suggestion, you say...

"That is not what I want, but if that is what you want, what is the first step? Do you have a place to stay?" (Do not move out first...) "Have you contacted a lawyer or should we use a mediator?"

There is a HUGE difference between threatening D and actually going through it. Either way, you have no choice if she has really thought about this and started to work on this.

There is a line that is crossed when a couple begins the process. I am willing to bet she has not crossed that line. She has probably fantasized about it...most unhappy spouses have, but have not done anything about it...

But if she has already crossed the line into divorceland, better to get that out in the open now. Know with what and whom you are working with...are you working with a manipulator, or is she serious...

Threatening D is your Kryptonite...she can get anything she wants at the threat of D...and what kind of marriage is that? One where she can throw the divorce trump anytime she feels she is not getting her way...

Reminds me if my daughter when she was five and I wouldn't let her have her toy back...she said, "I'm not going to be your best friend..."

Truly, do not fear you are pushing her into D by simply calling her bluff. You may have helped push her into D by your selfish and neglectful actions but not by exposure and fighting for your M. You are just preventing her from doing what she wants, and what she wants right now is harmful to your M.

So, once again may I suggest you read the articles on the website...not just the forums, but Harley's articles. You will find your answers...

Stick to this mantra: "I don't talk divorce, that is what lawyers are for. I only talk marriage. Wanna go out to eat?" (or some other question that changes the subject)...

Did you hear from the MB offices today regarding your first appointment, Monc?

Also agree with the others who have said you don't answer to your FIL...Didn't he give his daughter to you on your wedding day? She is YOUR WIFE...Your FIL has no say in your marriage, Monc...NONE...

Mrs. W

Don't think she hasn't talked to a lawyer. Mine did so and blindsided me with legal stuff in a way that had me unprepared.

I went along because, like you, I cowered. Even the threat of consulting a lawyer would send her into fits that had me cowering because I wasn't following her way of doing things.

The response to her threat is what has been suggested, with one corrolary, "I don't talk divorce, I talk marriage, but know this: if it goes down the path of divorce don't expect it to be friendly or nice. I will be merciless and will look to crucify you for adultery and marital misconduct and will sue the OM for Alienation of Affection while I'm at it. So your choice on which path we take. Reconciliation will be a lot less bloody."

I thought I shouldn't threaten her? That sounds like it.

An ultimatum?

yea I heard from them...but it's next Sunday at 7am.

No. Basic honest discussion of what you will do if cornered. That is called NOT being a doormat.

If she threatens divorce couldn't I also say I'll divorce for adultery?


Just talked to her on the phone...she's constantly screaming at me to let her go. And is threatening divorce. Also that if I talk to any more of her family she'll divorce me.

Seems like fear monger eh?

I think she's scared her fantasy is about to be destroyed.

A friend who I asked for a number from of the OTHER MANS mom's restaurant ratted on me...was why I just had a discussion.

Told her it was just to certify a claim that his mother already knew... Which I believe is not true.

She seemed distraught.

Yes, of course she is...She is a crack addict who doesn't want to lose her crack pipe...Take away the crack pipe, Monc...EXPOSE...

As far as the response goes to her threats of divorce, I personally would hide behind your attorney...get a bulldog and let him go to town...Anytime she brings up divorce, repeat the mantra: "I don't talk divorce, my attorney does that. I only talk marriage." Let the attorney be the bad guy...

Mrs. W

She just yelled at me she doesn't want me...and that it has nothing to do with him.

Yea, she said that...and I said I don't talk divorce, I talk marriage. And she yelled at me to let her go and hung up.

Then tried to bargon with me. That she'd stop talking to the other man until we were divorced in 61 days.

I didn't agree. She was pissed.

I'm going to expose. Finality in that statement. Starting with close family.

It's no use...

Everyone I've called tells me to stop and that it won't work out.

Everyone thinks I'm being vindictive and then starts asking questions and agree I must be hurting but that this isn't the way.

This can't work...it is just hurting everyone I tell.

No, the Affair hurt everyone you are telling.