In_ shreds

Absolutely no more contact with the other man. Please take note from my previous post on how to help with withdrawl.

I am 2 months down the line - straight away I deleted/erased all means of easy contact - phone/email. I do sometimes miss the conversation I had in the A and sharing a hobby I am passionate about but I have absolutely no feelings of love or affection for the FOM anymore. The worse bit for me was the first 3 weeks. I still have the odd I wonder what he is doing. My sis sees him once a week we avoid conversation about him, he is mentioned if he has been a total P***k which keeps affirming how wrong I was.

A speedy withdrawl depends totally on you maintaining no contact and looking for your OMs failings and avoiding anything that triggers your memory. And the strangest thing can trigger particuarly in the early days.

hope this helps

ST

Link to an update of a WW who was successful in recovering her M AFTER a divorce!
LINK

Tell us your thoughts after reading her update.

Her screen name was Hopeful_Person (her update is saved on my notable posts thread)

I do not HAVE a plan other than no contact with the OM. I want a plan. I just remembered MB tonight. I don't own Dr Harley's book but could get it at the Library tomorrow.

And yes, the OM DID call me late last night ....professing his undying love for me....I didn't give in to him and stayed alone in my apartment last night

You DID give in. You answered the phone.
I know you are trying, but you need a real plan for NC (no contact), an iron clad plan.

Change your phone number to an unlisted number.
Change your email address to one that OM does not know, or put a rule in your email that automatically deletes any messages from OM without you ever seeing them.
Ditch any cell phones.
Move to another apartment.

Yes, I'm serious.

And that is just the beginning of a plan for NC.
Do you work with OM?
Where did you usually meet and spend time together?

In shreds,

My OM was also my high school sweetheart, almost married him at 18, same ole, same ole.

Read your above post, NOTHING is going to make this crappy feeling go away easily. You want to know if it will be worth it in the end? Well, the way you are going, you may always feel like the wothless wayward who threw her loyal husband away.

You can, however, start being a repentant former wayward who is not having an affair and may have a shot at a successful relationship one day.

Whether or not it is with your BH, that is HIS decision.

"Worth it in the end", what is your definition of success? The only thing you have control of is not being a wayward anymore.

well....it's been a number of days since I was here. I read your replies and realized I was only fooling myself about really ending the A. I took your advice and told my husband that he should not stop the divorce process....that it was way too early in the withdrawal stage and I didn't know what would happen.
I asked him to forgive me for giving him hope and for being selfish AGAIN!

AS I have read your responses, I have realized just what it WILL take to end this A. Last I posted, the OM had called me late at night and I said I had "stayed strong" and stayed by myself in my apartment....you had answered that I didn't stay strong because I answered the phone!!

DUH!! I didn't even SEE that before you all called me on it! It was then that I realized I was still going on stupid, unrealistic thoughts about ending this thing. I also felt very very incapable of doing what is necessary. I ended up seeing the OM again in the next couple of days....

I have continued reading on here and realized just how much I have bought into the whole romantic fantasy thing with the OM...and just how UNTRUE it all is!! When I am with him, I think of my family ALL the time....when I am away from him, I think about how I cannot stand to be away from him. It's INSANITY!!!!!!!!!!!

It has been so helpful to read your reality checks!!!! I never ever imagined how ADDICTIVE an affair could be. I never realized how strong the attraction and the depth of sadness when trying to break away. I have never been addicted to a drug or cigarettes but I can now imagine just how difficult it is to be FREE of a strong addiction.

Your posts have given me hope that it IS possible if I have a good NC plan and follow it no matter what!!!
The OM has this "hold" on me that is bizarre and I HATE it...although there must be a reason that I am still with him.

I know this is long, but I needed to get this all out and wanted to get input. I KNOW you all won't hold back that is for sure!!

Right now the OM is out of town on business and I am going to be developing a NC letter and plan (is that what it is called??)

It feels daunting right now but continuing on with this and the repercussions of it are beginning to scare me into sanity.

Somehow, with God's help, this MUST be possible or many of you would NOT be here.

Thank you for your input, support and accountability,

In-Shreds
WW 40
BH 41
2 kids
married 16 years
A began 2/08...told H in 2/08
H filed for divorce 5/08 (not final yet)

In_shreds,

Don't you find this statement interesting
Yet, the life you built over 15 years was not strong enough to hold you to your vows. You are recognizing that your perspective on things is very very messed up right now. Pepper gave you a link to a lady who struggled to regain her marriage after her long affair and divorce from her H. Read it, absorb her pain and the long struggle.

You mentioned you have children. How old are they? Who takes care of them? Are they with you or their father? What do they think of this mess?

In_shreds, to have a plan you must first have a goal. If the goal is to save your marriage, the step one is very clear. End it with OM and stay away from him. You are indeed living a fantasy one that has deeply hurt children, family, your H, and ultimately it will hurt you more than it has right now.

Next step is for you to address your perspectives on marriage, commitment, love, and family. All are wrong right now and need to change.

Next step examine why it was easy for you to leave your H and destroy your family? Why did you not have boundaries? If you had them why didn't you protect them? What did you tell yourself that allowed you to violate your sacred vows?

Next thing realize that there is one person in this world that has less respect for marriage and family than you do...it is your OM. He has had no trouble destroying your family, and you helped him, even if now you regret it. He does not. He will most likely do to you what he did with you.

Personally, while this is not part of the MB approach to things, I would strongly recommend you decide what your moral compass really is, and if you profess to praticing a religion, you need to go back to it for guidance concerning your decisions and your future decisions.

There are many more things to say, but really it depends on what your goals really are. If they are to repair your family, then we can help. If it is to seek happiness at all costs, then it is likely we cannot help. If it is to remain with OM because you knew him in HS when you were a hormonal teenager, then again we cannot offer you a great deal. But, YOU must decide first and foremost.

Please think about it.

God Bless,

JL

Hi,I.S.:

Lots of people recover M here. Thats quite evident in the postings.

You sound sincere, and you are in a good place to be- as painful as that sounds- you know recovery AINT going to be easy.

WS get the "cr@p" kicked out of them sometimes-- but I admire that you want help.

Read everything you can. Go with your gut. Plan A the heck out of your BH- there are directions for that all over the site.

Most people say the worst of the WD lasts about 6-8 weeks. Then I have read the worst is over. But I never had to do this.

If you could get your BS to read any of the MB books, he may feel encouraged, but it is how YOU handle YOURSELF over the next few months that is going to be the deciding factor, methinks.

Good Luck to you. Chin up. It is hard, but it can be done.

Nancy

You must have absolute NO CONTACT with this POS OM.

Change your phone-#.
(this includes your work # or any other number he has)
Delete, block, change any E-Mail, facebook or Myspace accounts.
If he is likley to send you regular mail or show up at your appartment, then move.

If he works with you, or he can easily show up at your job, get another job.

You must have absolutly no contact with this human.

This includes his freinds, or any common freinds that may try to give you a message from him.

When we say NC, we mean absolutly NO CONTACT IN ANY WAY.



Let me run a few scenerios past you.

Scenerio 1
OM gives freind-X a letter to give to you becouse he is unable to contact you via phone or E-mail. Freind-X delivers this letter to you, but you dont read it. You just trash it.

Was contact made?

The answer is YES

Om was able to get the message to you that he is still thinking of you and wants contact with you. That will reset your addiction. Even though you never actually read the letter.

Scenerio 2
OM gives freind-X a letter to give to you becouse he is unable to contact you via phone or E-mail. Freind-X destroys the letter so that you never see it, but tells you that OM tried to send you a letter.

Was contact made?

The answer is YES

Om was still able to get the message to you that he is thinking of you and wants contact with you. That will reset your addiction even though you did not even see his letter.


Scenerio 3
OM gives freind-X a letter to give to you becouse he is unable to contact you via phone or E-mail. Freind-X destroys the letter and never says anything to you about it.

Was contact made?

The answer is No

OM was not able to contact you in any way. You have no idea there ever was a letter, or that he took the time to wright you. As far as you know the OM has moved to guam and is raising penguins with Al Gore. But most importantly you never even thought about OM becouse nothing was given or said to you to remind you of him.

The problem with this is almost no mutual freind will do what freind-X did in scenerio 3. So any freinds share with OM that wont run blocker for you in this way must be removed from your life.

There are hundreds of ways that OM could get to you, you must think of everyone before he does and block them.

You also have to remove any personel items of OM's from your life. Anything of his, or anything he bought you.

You will probably find this hard to believe right now but trust me that it is 100% true and anyone formerly in an affair will agree with me.

The "hold" OM has on you is not real.
The thoughts that "there must be a reason" are not founded in reality.

People in affairs FEEL the huge attraction and think that because of those strong feelings, there must be "something" there. This is a fallacy.

The reason OM has a hold on you is because you put positive energy into your relationship with OM. Even when you only think of him, you are putting your thoughts and energy into that relationship. Your thoughts and energy should be in your marriage, and in building and protecting it.

The "reason that you are still with OM" is not some cosmic force. It is not because you are soul mates. It is because you are nurturing the bond with OM. THAT is why you are still with him. Because you are allowing yourself to be. Because you are encouraging the affair in the way you think and in where you put your energies.

Every time you find yourself even thinking of OM, make a conscious effort to change your thought patterns. Some find it helpful to imagine a big red stop sign and to say "Stop!" out loud. Others find it helpful to wear a rubber band on their wrist and to snap it - hard, so it stings. Then immediately after stopping the OM thoughts, call your husband or text him or email him or write him a note or get him a little gift. Put your thoughts into your marriage.

You will be amazed at how much time and energy you are still putting into your affair. You will also be amazed at how your marriage changes when you begin putting that time and energy into simple little things that promote the marriage.

You are still very enmeshed in the affair, but you have a great capability for stepping outside yourself and your situation and considering all perspectives. I know what I write here will be hard to embrace at first, but I have confidence that you can do it, and once you manage the first few days you will become very good at it. I see great hope for you as a result.

Hey IS,

I hope you're hanging on every word from Gack and Turtle.

How is your progress?

ST

You have not mentioned your adultery partner's family or his marriage history.

Is he currently married? (that is either yes or no .... not "almost divorced")
Does he have children? (how old?)
How many times has he been married? (and divorced)
How many adultery relationships has he been a part of? (besides his adulterous relationship with you)

Thanks !

I am glad to hear that you are encouraging your husband to go through with the divorce. It was just you selfishly wanting it all without being willing to do the work and suffer the pain required. Pretty common with WS.

And of course you didn't answer my question. Do you love your husband more then the OM. Obviously not. I hope he can now be happy and find someone that will love him like he deserves.

Are still out there IS?

I too was a WW.

I know the madness of the affair thinking and the conflicting thoughts and emotions.
Sadly though the madness is one we both choose... no one put a gun to or heads... we did that to ourselves and our families.

You see we didn't just cheat on our husbands... we cheated on our whole family... kids.. mum & dad... sisters .. brothers ... we did the whole thing.

My own experience with my kids was a loss of a close relationship with my daughter for a few years. She told me quite openly she would cease all contact if a divorce went through due to my adultery. I had hurt her very deeply. Kids are not fooled at all in the long run and make their choices eventually no matter what a court may say.

I was very lucky to have a H who agreed to work on our M, but it took a long while to really engage him in the process. It took years to recover and create a new M out of my mess... the horror I had caused.

I feel that once the divorce is done you will have a very steep hill to climb and that is if your now husband (& kids) will even entertain the option of reconciliation. He may even accept that you are genuinely sorry (if that is the case) but not want a marriage with you. I feel frankly its going to be very hard for you to achieve this after a divorce. Not impossible because some have done it using the MB process and counselling... just very very hard.

While the OM is part of your life you will never have a chance at recovering your family. I would not be surprised to discover your OM stepping out on you either as time goes by as obviously he has no respect for marriage or commitment.
I mean do you really know what he does while away on business? Is he married/in a relationship himself??
Does he still live with his wife/girlfriend if so??
Do you REALLY know???? You don't live with him after all.

So in the end IS what do you have?

You have left your H and kids...
you live alone...
There is a real danger of your kids blaming you for the family break up (if they don't blame themselves in some way) ...
You have no real commitment other than a childish romantic notion of a 'perfect' relationship with an old boyfriend...
You will soon be divorced...
Its your decisions that led to all this ...

So what exactly have you gained???

I don't see anything IS. I think you even see this.

However I don't feel you are ready to give up the OM and I'm not convinced you want to marry him any longer either.

Maybe the best thing is let the divorce go through... free your h and family ... and then discover what you really want. I suspect you will sadly find down the track a bit that it may be impossible to attain if its in fact your M & family... because I do feel you are smart enough to see the facts for what they are but will leave it until its too late.

Your only chance is really to have complete non contact with OM and after withdrawal try to work out what is most important to you. But you are running out of time.

Looks like we lost another one.

I hope not, Gack. She's got a hard road ahead of her but I think she has what it takes. Hopefully she was only busy and away from the computer.

You cannot know how much that last statement "but I think she has what it takes" just meant to me....it made me cry and made me stand up straighter that I DO have the strength to do what is necessary.

Yes...all of you have been right....amazingly insightful. I don't want to marry the OM....He is even noticing.

My BH went on a date this weekend.....I had already been putting together a NC letter and plan but you all can imagine that this helped kick my brain/butt into gear.

You all challenged me to have a plan for the withdrawal time of NC.....so that is what I have been doing. I have not given him the NC letter yet because i wanted to be ready this time. My goal is to have it to him by Wednesday of this week....(within 2 days if not sooner.)

1) I am talking to my sis-in-law (brother's wife) about visiting them for a week or two. She and I have been very very close and she knows me very well. I can be vulnerable and open with her and at the same time, she will be very direct with me.

2) I can leave my phone with a friend here at home. I would take my daughter (who is only 4) with me to see her aunt/uncle and cousins. My son and I could talk via their phone. I would also take care of changing my number while out of town.

3) He doesn't have a computer or internet access and since we have been together never contact each other thru email...he doesn't even know my email address so I don't think that could be an issue.


We work for the same company even though I work from home and never have to see each other. I am thinking it would be wise for me to get another job entirely (although that stinks b/c the flexibility I have right now is allowing me to have more time with my 11 year old son...)
Let me know if you all disagree with this.

What else do I need to do?? Am I missing anything in preparing for the NC letter delivery and withdrawal period??

Gack and Turtle....someone asked if I was hanging on every word you are writing to me.....unfortunately it took me this long to READ them...but after reading them
YESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gack....great examples of what equals contact/no contact!!! Thank you!!! I wouldn't have thought THRU to that extent and now realize that I HAVE to if I am going to do this successfully!!!

Right now I am not free to plan A my BH....the divorce could be final in the next week or two and he is trying to move on. I don't want to draw him in to any of this.

Once I am past the withdrawal that is another story. I am planning to Plan A the HECK out of him if it's not too late....


1 more question: I am just acting normal with OM right now....it's difficult to do actually but I don't want to tip him off about anything until I am prepared!!!
I have broken it off with him probably 8x or more over the last year and every time I have not been prepared, committed to it, etc and have ended up back with him in a day or two.
I CANNOT afford to NOT be prepared this time!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sounds good I_S.

You definitely have to have covered eveything before you go into NC.

Keep posting, you'll need lots of support for a few weeks. Will SiL be able to handle it, will you have internet access there?

We'll keep lookingout for you

ST

IS,

You mentioned two children. How many children do you have? What are their ages? And what is the living arrangement between you and your H with regard to the children?

This is very important for the recovery of your marriage. The ONE thing you two share right now are the children and the history you have with your H with regard to how often they see each of you, what they have been told, and how they have been handled is going to be crucial to your recovery plan.

You are correct to make a detailed plan. you are correct to remove yourself from OM's presence and any contact. You are correct to have some one you are accountable to. My advice don't delay this separation from OM.

There is a lot of damage done already. I would strongly encourage you to read the posts by the lady that Pepperpand mentioned. Unfortunately, the search function is not functioning. But, you can find her if you search my old posts by clicking on my name and click on the bottom item of your choices which says something like "past posts". You will be confronted with a long list, but if you go back a few years you will see my posts to her. Once you find one, you can click on her name and you will see all of her previous posts. I know it is tedious, but her situation seems from what little you have posted to be very similar to yours. You can learn alot from her.

God Bless,

JL

in responnse to Just Learning:
We have 2 children. the first, a boy, is 11. the 2nd, a girl, is 4. I have my daughter 4 nights a week and my son 2 nights a week. (so for 2 of those nights I have both of them together). My son knows about the affair (unfortunately...but that is the way it is).

My BH and I actually have never been fighters and neither one dig for info on the other. We are actually very united when it comes to parenting and making parenting decisions. My son has been going to counseling 1x a week for many many months. My BH and I have gone to the same counselor for parenting counsel for him.

I will try to find the posts you are talking about.....

thank you!!