Wow, Jim! You ARE cool!

It's so great to get updates from the Amigos and find that life is going so well.

You and your kiddos sound so healthy and happy.

Life does go on, doesn't it?

Carry on........

Fox

WEll, hello to you my friend! I'm so glad to hear your cake story! GO JIM!

Wayyyy cooolllll dadddd!

Having succeeded with birthday cupcakes once upon a time, I fully appreciate the magnitude of this success. Well done. Bask in your coolness.

Well, it's official.. everything signed, the judge is happy, the attorneys are happy.. everyone else is pretty much coping.. pretty standard outcome I suppose.

I should be elated, but honestly when I received the letter in the mail I knew immediately what it was, sat down and read it and my general feeling was 'Eh.. well that's that.'.. and proceeded about my evening. Didn't even have a celebratory drink or anything.

Might be because I know it's not fully over.. there's still the matter of a couple grand that's been overpayed on things due to her and the attorneys holding things up since December.. which is probably going to result in me filing a few things in the near future.. all concerned have been given 60 days by me to make it right.. we'll see.

But it is the final nail in the coffin of what was once my marriage and my family as I knew it.. so with that, strangely comes some closure where there really wasn't any before.

So I've spent a fair bit (but not an unhealthy amount) of time since December basically trying to sort out my feelings on all that has transpired.. it's been a little eye opening.

DDay for me really happened the day after we had a talk, and I couldn't get any really straight answers from my exW.. her strange behavior the previous couple of weeks had already aroused an uneasy feeling, but the conversation really is what put it over the top. Just a quick glance at her cellphone told me what I didn't want to believe... from that point, my entire life started to change.

We, here on MB talk a lot about addiction in reference to our waywards and it helps many here use that analogy to at least gain some feeling of having insight into their behavior, but what isn't often discussed here is the BS's addiction.. most often to their spouse.. which under normal circumstances is an honestly good thing, but like with many other things concerning infidelity.. it tends to turn everything on it's head.

There's really two distinct phases here, and that is the first where the conflict and betrayal, hurt, anger.. everything serves only to strengthen the desire of the betrayed for the infidel.. It really makes no sense when you look back on it, but this is why many BS's become instant doormats.. clinging, crying, desperate creatures.. which often only serves to solidify the waywards thinking and creates many a self fulfilling prophesy... The 'doom and gloom' of a world picture coming crashing down in tatters just seems to amplify everything and the BS gets the 'feeling' that life is spinning out of control. So the betrayed obsesses.. reading into even the slightest little thing.. coming here and posting, what does this mean, what does that mean? Endless speculation ensues.. assumption based on assumption, based on a shred of something that -could- mean something else.. but it does serve to occupy the mind which is racing to find meaning in anything.. something solid to stand on..

Now anyone who has followed this thread from the beginning knows, I stayed in this first stage for a really long time.. and probably an unhealthy amount of time, and my appeasement and despair/desperation in the beginning is the one thing about this whole ordeal I truly regret having not handled better. Eventually though, life starts to settle down.. one day you find yourself remarkably not thinking about her for an hour. Sure it comes back to drag you down, but then you have a good day.. maybe a couple in a row, and it starts to get better. Folks hate to hear that things just take time.. but eventually you get to a point where you don't crave the interaction with the wayward.. you're finally beyond the horrible withdrawl phase and can truly look forward to the next day and realize that YOU are the one holding the reigns in your own life.. each day truly is what you make it. You don't -need- someone who hurts you in your life. All you -need- to do is the dishes and the laundry and make it to work on time so you can come home, pick up the kids, and do it all agian tomorrow.

Now obviously I didn't recover my marriage, and TBH I didn't really follow Harley's plans for marriage recovery.. but I did pay enough attention to my personal recovery along the way to have gleaned a lot of what I hope to use in a future relationship.

I've finally gotten to a point where I don't have any anxiety in dealing with the exW, because all of our dealings now are very infrequent, and are only about DS. There's a part of me that still cares enough to not want to see her hurt, that still sighs and shakes his head and can be dissapointed with the choices she's making for her life.. but I no longer feel the need to reach out to her. I'm content with letting her fall or float on her own, and in all honesty.. I hope she really is happy, mostly for DS's sake.. I lived with an unhappy parent growing up, and it really is no fun.

I think a lot of the ability to stop reaching out came when I finally forgave her. I don't think forgiveness entails forgetting about the wrongs someone has done to you, and being cautious or guarded with them in the future.. I think, as I've said many times before that forgiveness is simply giving up my right to hurt her, for hurting me.. and honestly, once you lay that burden down, is when the true process of healing begins... or at least it did for me.

I don't spend my days angry anymore. I'm honestly very happy and content with my life, and who I am these days. I understand where my flaws are, and some of them I actually kind of like... others I'm still working on.. and that will be an ongoing process.

It takes time, but you become stronger.. the wound isn't open anymore, but the scar is there.. the tissue is tougher now, and at times can be a little unsightly.. but we can wear scars as prizes, badges of accomplishment.. scars are healed and stronger.. the wound is in the past and the tissue beneath is healthy again.

And so am I.. Jim is cool.

Jim is WAY cool...

Bookmark this one folks...

Mark

I second that motion!

Super Sweet! JIM IS COOL!



It's so awesome to get to that place huh?

Wow, Jim!! And here I thought you were just a SBSofaBP.

Thank you for that post - hits pretty darn close to home.


Mark is right, that one ought to be put in notable posts.

Carry on, my friend.

Fox

James.

(sorry I just don't picture you in my mind as a 'Jim')

Indeed, very post from a very guy!

Great post, Jim.

James, you have *arrived*!

-ol' 2long

As you wish

James, you are one of the most gifted men at putting feelings into words, especially as a man.

Thank you for this. Our journeys have often coincided with the feelings and actions.

You have taught me so much, please keep coming back and helping people with your gift.

Thanks, Pep! That's just like having my own little "Jeannie"!

Fox

Thanks everybody! I'll be ecstatic if my reflections can help even one person for even a few moments. Thanks for taking the time to paste that over Pep

There's really not a lot to update on.. other than finding a few half-buried red flags along the way in the new R, which unfortunately involve communication and trust issues which I'm just not willing to put myself through again. As much as I really enjoyed spending time with B, and as suprised as I am with what came up in the handful of days I suppose it's better to know now. It's a shame really.. very nice woman, and by all accounts great kids. I just don't think I can be what she wants, and I don't think she's ready to give me the openness that I need.

I'm not upset about it.. a little dissapointed perhaps, but I did manage to salvage my Saturday evening and went out anyway. Hung out with a new friend of mine (since I'm now permitting myself to have female 'friends' on a social level), and enjoyed a pretty good evening of entertainment. We closed the place down and went with a few of her friends for breakfast afterwards before I took the hour drive home, which meant I didn't get to bed (after adjusting for DST) until 6AM. On the upside there wasn't much I needed to do on Sunday apart from practice in the evening, so was able to catch up a little bit.. still, I'm dragging a little more than usual today. I'm just not built to party all night like I used to.. thank God I have the kids to keep me home next weekend!!!

DD has a home swim meet tonight, so I get to go be technical guru. They won their away meet last Wednesday which is the first meet they've won. The team they swam against though was a really good one, so the girls are really inspired, and know have a little bit of swagger now that they know they -can- outswim some pretty good teams when all pistons are firing for our side.. Hopefully some of that will carry into this week.

Had about a 20 minute conversation with the Ice Queen this weekend.. looks like we're going to explore some T-Ball options this year with DS, and we discussed some doctor related issues for DS.. the conversation was actually rather pleasant and dare I say friendly.. I hope it bodes well for future discourse.

Other than that..not much to tell.. still workin.. still sneakin a peek from time to time at all the amigos and friends here.. I may not post much but I'm generally about.

*grunt grunt grunt*

*snort*

*scritch* Ugh..ooh ahh..





Sorry.. that just struck me a little odd Queenie.. you know I luv ya! Thank you very very much for the compliment I took as intended.. just thought I'd spread a funny.

I'm glad I could make you laugh....

Dude, have you heard about my WH and OW?

OOOPS... not allowed to talk about it anymore.

Yes James. That was pretty good. For a guy. (Doesn't Queenie just crack you up?)

I'm right behind you buddy. Looks like about 83 days left for me.

Well, without 'talking about it' yes I've been keeping up, and it looks like Mark and the gang are doing a wonderful job of helping you get to where you need to be on things.. just keep trusting in God Queenie.. your story, no matter how it turns out, is an inspiration to many about what faith can do for a life. You've got lots to be proud of.


Hey there Chai.. been keeping up with you too, and I'm sorry that you've still got some rough hills yet to climb, but the worst will be over soon.. when things don't end up working out with the M, there's some peace that comes with the closure and hopefully ceasing of 'hostilities' in the legal forums.. all that tension you're carrying around in your shoulders lets up little by little.. you're doing fine, and should be proud of what you've learned and who you've become.

Just doing a hit and run to say Good Morning!

Wow, Jim, so much has happened since I've read here. I'm glad to hear that the legal machinations are about finished. My best thoughts to you and your children. They are so lucky to have a dad like you!