Black_Raven

I told him that I was not going to do the big deal ring thing. He was fine with it and says that he understands. Like your FWH, GM very quickly suggested we renew our vows. What vows? He let his nasty father write our ceremony, there was no way I could do anything about it (I was definitely too cowardly and it all came up at the very end when I had too many things to do). There were no vows and frankly I don't remember my wedding at all, it was taken over by his family in the last week of planning and changed into something I did not recognize. Beside the point, sorry, I have so many issues with this marriage that I can't quite get past. In the scheme of things these are very small issues now.

No renewal until I am ready, if I am ready. No ring thing until I am ready, if I am ready. I do nothing unless I am ready. That cowardly young woman is no longer afraid and I do have the right to follow my own Muse and emotion here and that is exactly what I am going to do. It is my turn to make decisions, his obviously stunk. Even though we do not really know how to do this yet we are trying to follow the POJA. We have no agreement yet on any of those things so they are out for now.

Pepperband

Doin it. I trust my gut. I learned that from Stephan Colbert.

To Nano and SunFlower

This typing in the car is kinda awful. I will answer you later when we get back.

PEPPERBAND!!

Still in the car and a bit queasy but I just had a revelation I need to share with you. Way back in an old post you were talking about being a Pollyanna. I was being quiet and reflective just now and I realized that each and every time GM walked in the room or in the house for 26 years I was hopeful. Even when I knew he was leaving to see someone else (I just KNEW it) I would cry when his car went down the road but when he came home that old hope would rise in me. Talk about Pollyanna. I was blowing sunshine up my own a**! OK, maybe it was plain old stupidity but I prefer Pollyanna, OK?

Made me chuckle, thought I would share.

Hi Honey, I give you total credit for finally confronting the issues of his other women to him.

You may want to figure out why NOW did you have the strength to confront him. What reasons caused you to face this difficult thing,,,,NOW.

Was it:

Strength
God
You no longer cared
You grew up
You had some guts from somewhere
You finally felt like you could live without him if it came to that
Love of yourself and your family
Anger at what he did
Realization that you are precious


If you found out what made you finally confront him maybe you could see how to go forward on this.

Thank you for not lying to yourself any more!

Remember: You are precious.

ahhhhhhhhhhhh

the sunshine enema of yesterdays

The first thought that came into my mind when I read your post was "You Are The Sunshine Of My Life". Stevie Wonder would .

I am still laughing!

StellaKat

I am going to take some time to answer you. I have some idea but I don't want to answer until I can do it with a lot of thought.

Thank you. You have an interesting way of getting people to think and I have not always appreciated it but it is good and I think I now understand you better and can appreciate your posts. Oddly GM is not quite so happy with you, go figure . Thanks. We all need to be called out now and then. You are an equal opportunity caller outer .

BTW, he is trying. I don't think he writes with his heart. I have been thinking about compiling a list of things that have changed since we started all of this. It might make things more understandable and it would be good to get input from everyone.

I am back Stella with some answers I think. These may take a while, I think the answers are important so I may be back with better thought out answers in a few days.


Thank you. That means a lot to me.


Like I said before, I confronted the entire time we were married. He was so reassuring or else he told me I was just making trouble or that he could not be expected to be different, I was being childish. It was not until October that I had proof and I called him 20 minutes after I found it after I gathered my thoughts and courage.

Yes in part but I always had that just not enough proof, nothing I could really nail him on except rumor and suspicion.

Well I would like to think so. I do not attend church, well I have started since GM has begun to see the need for it. I was raised with a church and spent much time looking around for one I felt comfortable in. I actually think I incorporated much of it in my soul so long ago that I feel best out on my farm just talking to God myself. Jesus is also a big part of my life but I really keep that personal, that is how it feels best to me. I guess I would have to answer yes because Jesus is my moral guide.
I always cared
I was out from under the threat from his father so perhaps. I should never have let him bully me like he did. He never did get from me what he really wanted so in some ways I did win that one. What a completely terrible man he was.
I always had guts. I confronted him about his drug abuse and that was very difficult. I have always stood up to him, never let him bully me but he did lie. I think calling him on his BS did not endear me to him.
I have felt like that for 5 years since our youngest left for college. After that I was ready. I am not afraid of being alone.
Dunno about that one. It was more that I did not care for being thought of as stupid. My family is only GM and my two DS's, everyone else is dead. (hmmmm, did not consider that as a reason for staying before) I think my sons could have done without this trauma but they have handled it very well.
Oh baby, I have been angry my entire marriage, another not so endearing quality but one that I needed to survive him. What he did causes in me something I can't even describe. Anger barely touches it.
Nah but that is a nice thought.

I think you may be right. I will give this a great deal of thought. It may take a quite a while to figure that out but I will think about it. There must be more than just the fact that I finally had proof. When I confronted all those times before I could have been less willing to back down I suppose. I will think about this.


Thank you my dear! I have been telling people that all my life and it is about time someone realized it besides me!

Here's another sunshine enema for you

I noticed GM wrote about becoming/being a "new man".

I heard this from H as well, about 2 weeks after D day. I thought "Oh sure .... :RollieEyes: right :RollieEyes: .... like I am supposed to believe you :RollieEyes: and celebrate this newness ."

Well, the years rolled by, and in my H's case, it turned out to be true.

However, what GM does not realize is that SSS is now becoming a new woman herself. The dynamics are going to be different. And that is not a reality that is easily accepted.

The old system is broken. Completely broken.

GM has said really nice things about you. Chief among your glowing attributes is (drum roll) your sweet disposition (Hey Pollyanna, come out and play).

Oh, that's just GREAT, he now appreciates the Pollyanna , now that you've locked her up in the wood shed and told her to shut up and get real.

The woman GM thinks he loves is changing. Some of the things he's loved about you are no longer valid in the emerging marriage dynamic.

I'm telling you Goat_Dancer, you are not going to be "good old SSS" anymore. GM says he loves you, but will he be able to love the NEW you? He's not even thinking about your changes when he says "I'm a changed man."

One thing I don't know if I told you about myself. My H is an alcoholic. He started AA right after D day. I encouraged him to go to AA (read: insisted *wink * wink).

What I did not expect is how much my H's sobriety changed our dynamic.
I was no longer left along to make the major decisions! (What'da'hail?) My SOBER H wanted to participate :MrEEk: :MrEEk: :MrEEk:

I did not like that !! I swear to God, I resented AA after he was going for 6 months. My H became "a new man" and started voicing his opinions !!!! (What'da'hail?) :MrEEk: :MrEEk: :MrEEk:

I was no longer sweet.
I was no longer giving the benefit of the doubt.
I had become a major pain in the butt.
I frankly did not put much effort into the marriage for a few years.


There was a bit of a power struggle. The "new husband" wanted to take over more and manage our lives, and I did not trust him enough to let go of the power.

Recovery is HARD.

BUT BUT BUT..........I LIKED Pollyanna!<---is supposed to be red. ????

I agree that GM doesn't realize that sss will change from all this too. Maybe I'm just the oddball but I kind of seeing the positive in GM's posts... :MrEEk: My FWH didn't have 26 yrs of cheating or hookers in his A, but there are some similiarities I see in their behavior post D-day. Just shoot me already LOL.

I know I have given this a little thought because I have mentioned it before to GM but it stopped there, there are too many other things going on right now.

I can take some time to think about it now that you bring it back to my mind. Man oh man.

Just putting this out there........

GM never paid me much mind. We get along and have always gotten along very well in most circumstances. On vacations we would plan no plans and just fend for ourselves (before kids and once after when they were older) and did just great flying by whatever our minds came up with. Every day life however he hid away from me. I doubt there was ever a time that he spent more than 15 minutes talking to me a day unless he was stuck with me in a car. The last 6 years he withdrew completely. I was getting maybe a minute and a half a day the last two and a half years (the years he was in love with her). Usually the same 3 sentences and the rest of the time he was gone or up in his office only coming down to leave and he did not come to bed until after 2AM when I was long asleep or after he had snuck out to go see her again that day. SO...I contend that GM did not even know me. He turned and walked away while I was trying to talk to him, he wanted nothing to do with me. He walked out the door if I tried to discuss my discontent and left to who knows where (I'll bet I know where).

His changes are allowing me for the first time to feel like a real human being in my own home and my own marriage (I am actually his wife, who knew?).

Yes, it will be hard. I am certain there are problems ahead that I can't even fathom right now but I wondered about this. It may be that most couples experienced the same kind of life before the A was exposed and this means nothing different at all.

EDIT: I just realized that another change will be the addition of intimacy if we are able to get through this. That too will change things in ways I can't even anticipate because he has never been intimate(other than sexually) with me.

I don't know about your FWH but GM has been a GOD for so long (the Doctor/Alan Watts philosophy/his father) that the changes I see are just short of miraculous. Now, if I can trust them. Now, if they are real. That is my biggest worry, will I know or will I be oblivious?

That is my biggest worry, will I know or will I be oblivious?

Hon, you do know.

If GM was your son-in-law, what would you be advising your daughter to do?

Probably not advise her. I would listen lots and give suggestions, toss out plans or ideas and situations and let her make up her own mind about it. Really.

I would be offended if my mother(long dead) or a friend or other relative tried to tell me what to do about something so personal as my marriage, such as it is. Maybe that is just me, dunno.

SSS -

Have you checked out the RecoveryNation spouses' site?

I really think hubby may be a SA.

A lot of addicts find themselves as addicts because they've lost a control component in their life and they find SOMETHING that they CAN control and fixate on it. A person who suffers emotional/physical abuse WILL usually try to find something that they CAN control and because they want to overcompensate for the pain, the abuse; whatever it is that gives them relief. Food, sex, drugs, alcohol etc. When someone is hurt and in pain, the human being in them wants to find a fix. And alot of times its not a 'healthy' fix. How many times have you heard of a bulimic who suffered 'other' abuse and felt so out of control, they found that food is something they can control. And control it, they do!

Us humans have a desire to stay in control and fix our pains. When control is 'taken' from us or someone 'hurts' us, even as a child, we seek out comfort. And sometimes the brain disconnects and self-preservation is paramount and our comfort fix is destructive. And we set 'patterns' that follow us for a life.

Id say that somewhere, somehow and to some degree, GM has suffered some pain/loss of control at some point in his life. Probably when he was young and didnt have the tools to 'fix' whatever issue it was. Maybe an over controlling parent. An absent parent (emotionally/physically)Maybe he witnessed violence or abuse. Or was victimized himself. He learned to 'fix' himself thru self-gratification. And when a stressor pops up in life, he reverts to his old comforts.

When an alcoholic is feeling down-they reach for a drink. When a drug addict is feeling bad-they reach for their drug. When a sex addict is feeling down, they reach for their fix. They dont want to reach for their destructive fix but its the ONLY way they know to solve their feelings. And their issue is finding NEW and healthy ways to comfort themselves.

Ive dealt with an addict. Eventually, hopefully you can separate the addict from his addiction. You will never be able to fix an addict---but you CAN help fix a person that SUFFERS from an addiction. When a person can learn to fix THEMSELVES, the addiction can be solved. Focus on the PERSON who needs fixing. GM will have to find a way to fix HIMSELF and the addiction can be controlled. His BRAIN is the part that needs the fixing and the rest can fall into place. Also, I found that getting mad at the addiction was more productive than getting mad at the person! GM may feel like we're attacking HIM when itd be better if we attacked his PROBLEM. Attack the sex addiction, not GM personally.

Of course, I STILL don't have my psychiatry credentials.

HUGS to you and GM.





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Hey there believer!

You know, I still do not believe GM is a SA. He is def an addict but I think it was not the sex (I know that sounds crazy). I think it was getting back at me in a way he knew would hurt me badly and I think the addiction was basically an addiction to thrill seeking. The other thought I have is that it was a lot about power. He comes from a family where the man is unquestionably right always and then he married me (what a dumb thing to do). I may sound like a dumb pushover here but IRL I am anything but. It took very little time of me calling him on his world famous BS before he was out looking for someone else who would not even try have a say. What better than prostitutes to fulfill all those needs all at once? I think knowing his background I must have made him feel small and inadequate to daddy when he could not control me. I don't know why, he father did not have any luck controlling me either and that is why he absolutely HATED me.

I don't have my credentials either BTW but having lived through this I think all of these things are possible.

Whatever the reason behind it all I am so very worried that there will be no recovering this marriage. I, of course, am up and down riding this relentless rollercoaster. I can change my mind on wanting to or just walking away in 10 minutes time. 6 months is coming soon, maybe I will settle a bit after that. I am sick to death of this being my life, that I do know.

He's not going to change, you know. What are you waiting for?

Risk taking or thrill seeking fit the pattern of a SA.

The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity has defined sexual addiction as “engaging in persistent and escalating patterns of sexual behavior acted out despite increasing negative consequences to self and others.” In other words, a sex addict will continue to engage in certain sexual behaviors despite facing potential health risks, financial problems, shattered relationships or even arrest.

Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. Like all addictions, its negative impact on the addict and on family members increases as the disorder progresses. Over time, the addict usually has to intensify the addictive behavior to achieve the same results.

The key word is "compulsive". SAs will escalate over time as the addict needs to get the same high every time; just like drug addicts.





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