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this will be a hard time for you and it will be full of temptation to contact the OM. ANY excuse will come to mind .... Oh he should pick up this thing he left here .... any other excuse will come to mind... hundreds .... just DON"T.

Also remember that he is as addicted to you as you are to him.

Right now he believes that as before you will reneg on your decision and welcome him back after a week or two.

Once he realises its more than that he will likely try to contact you some way. So try to have his phone blocked and even see if moving to another unit/flat is viable.

You CAN do this.... you are strong enough ... failures in the past mean nothing now... the only thing that is important for this is
NC to work!!!


Life may feel as if you are constantly getting kicked on a daily basis, living is about picking yourself up each day and going on and on and on regardless.

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Thank you aussieswife! I am eating up all the wisdom you all are giving me and it is like water to a person who is in the desert!!

I DID it!! I made it through the night and am so incredibly peaceful.....I feel better than I have in a year. I know there will still be plenty of hard times and temptation so I am not letting any guard down!!!....it's just a moment I am relishing. I KNOW I can do this now and I have not KNOWN that since this whole nightmare began (that I started, I know).

I am leaving for my brother and sis-in-law's on Friday and will stay for a week or so.
The weekends will be the hardest testing time for me....the OM and I had lots of regular things we did together on the weekends. SOOOO, I am timing it so the next 2 weekends I will be at my brother's house (it is about 8 hours away).

I am taking my daughter with me and from tonight until I leave, I am going to spend some special time with my son....tonight will be one on one. It will be a little hard on him for me to be gone so long BUT not nearly as hard as having the OM in my life.....he has known about it and it has been very distressing to him....another reason I am resolved for NC!!!

I know I am posting long posts right now but it just helps so much to spill all that I am feeling and thinking. It also helps so much to get your feedback, suggestions, encouragement, etc.


I am changing my phone number this morning as well...just in case you were wondering! ;-)

What a wonderful day....God is good and there is hope!



me WW 40 BH 41 M 16 years
S11 and D4
PA 2/08 D-day 3/08
D 5/08 (not final)
NC take 2 3/24/09
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I'm a newbie here, and a newly BS....I just wanted to say I have TONS of respect for the way you are handling this, making changes in yourself, and making an honest effort at just compensation.

I will pray that you succeed in your efforts and stick around...FWW's are a valuable resource for those of us who want to hear psychological persective on our WS's.

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drscott-
I cannot tell you how much what you said means to me. I SO want to honor and respect my BH....I will probably need more input on THAT so YOU can be a resource for ME as well.

Thank you for your kindness. I would be glad to give you my 'perspective' or help with any insight into the "fog" that is probably enveloping your WW. I know she is probably almost unrecognizable to you right about now.
I will pray for you both.


me WW 40 BH 41 M 16 years
S11 and D4
PA 2/08 D-day 3/08
D 5/08 (not final)
NC take 2 3/24/09
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Yay!! We *didn't* lose you.

Your motivations are SO right. So many waywards come here and their goal is to win back their spouse. Their focus is selfish. They want to win back the spouse because it will make them (the wayward) more comfortable and happy.

Your motivation is regaining your integrity and that is a real and strong motivation. I am very proud of you, and you should be proud of yourself.

You may or may not reconcile with your H, but you CAN get yourself back. The self you're proud of. The self you rejoice in.

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Turtlehead...thank you for your encouragement! Means a LOT!!

I have a question/dilemna....

my plan is to go out of town this Friday (taking my 4 yr old with me) to my Brother's house 8 hrs away. I am doing this as a part of my NC plan. the weekend is hardest b/c that is when OM and I spent a LOT of time together and had regular routines, etc.
I had to ask my husband if he would mind me taking my daughter with me to my brothers (he doesn't know why I am going).
He said that would be fine but that there is a Father/daughter dance on Sat that he would rather not miss with his daughter.

I am so torn...I don't want to rob him of that time with her (or her with him) BUT at the same time, I feel that leaving on Friday is imperative for the NC plan to be strong.
If I DON'T take my daughter with me, it will stress him in the long run because he will have both kids for a week (not to mention the effect on the kids esp my daughter).

I feel like missing the father/daughter dance will be a small sacrifice when compared to the long range benefit of a strong NC plan....
but I don't want to act selfishly and want to make sure I am looking at this from a proper perspective.

My H was open to me taking her and missing the dance if he had to.....

thoughts?


me WW 40 BH 41 M 16 years
S11 and D4
PA 2/08 D-day 3/08
D 5/08 (not final)
NC take 2 3/24/09
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Will it really stress him having them both? Will it really have a bad affect on the kids?

Or will it just be hard for you to leave DD?

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It is actually VERY stressful on him....he had them both for 4 days in a row a couple of weeks ago and he was about ready to pull his hair out and asked me to come get my daughter early (we were trying a new schedule where we each get a weekend a month with the kids for the entire weekend...thru that transition he ended up having them longer than we have gone before and he was really stressed!).

He is really struggling with energy right now because he has had some depression (gee...I cannot imagine why!) and they have been switching meds on him.

Also, my daughter especially gets very very anxious if she doesn't see me for that long.
Unfortunately, when I began the A, I was really out of my normal mind and in a deep fog and I left town with the OM and didn't see my kids for a couple of weeks. That, as you can imagine, was devastating to them. even after I came "back" in town, I was living with friends or the OM and so they didn't get to spend much time with me. (it kills me to write this b/c of the pain I know I caused all of them!!! Makes me so mad at myself!!)

So for the last 6 months I have been working very hard on being predictable and dependable with their time with me. Whenever that changes, it seems to cause much anxiety esp with my 4 year old.

long explanation but hopefully, it made sense.


me WW 40 BH 41 M 16 years
S11 and D4
PA 2/08 D-day 3/08
D 5/08 (not final)
NC take 2 3/24/09
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Ok it makes a lot of sense NOT to be around your flat on the Friday because you are probably right the OM will attempt contact.

So the prime aim is to be AWAY from the unit.

Your plan originally meant you would travel 8 hours to get to Sister right?

OK is there any chance at all you could offer your H a deal ..... H I know the dad/daughter dance really means a lot to you and our DD so as I really need to be out of the unit from Friday (you could say its part of your therapy ... because NC is pretty central to it ...without saying its NC) could I instead babysit DS at your home and sleep on the couch and then be able to run DD and myself down to my sisters the following day?

Yes its a bit of a possible problem for your H and I'm not sure how he would handle it but perhaps you could sound him out about it in a subtle way. You obviously don't want to upset anything right now with either the kids or your H but it is perhaps one way to get around staying at the unit and maintaining NC.
I would caution you of the need to handle this delicately.

Give it a thought and see how it goes.

I feel it may cause real damage if you took off without explaining your NC plan to your H and on top of everything else no matter what he says .... how much of a hill do you want to climb????

My concern is that he may be more 'worn' out than perhaps he presents and just can't do another 'argument' or 'discussion' so he reluctantly agrees but all the while thinking 'selfish b*tch'
and no matter what comes out later he will only relate to the negative. Perhaps a BS can give an insight on that one.

You would need I feel to give him some truth if nothing else works out. Again ask a BS and see how they would react in the circumstances.


Life may feel as if you are constantly getting kicked on a daily basis, living is about picking yourself up each day and going on and on and on regardless.

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I don’t understand all the secrecy and machinations around this NC plan.

As a BS I now hate, absolutely detest, any secrecy, lies of omission, pretends, lack of clarity, anything whatsoever to do with anything less than Total Radical Honesty. In anything and in everything! (You have read SAA and HNHN, right?)

Secrecy can no longer be justified even “for my own good.” After all, that’s justification adulterers use all the time – lying, omissions, sleight of hand and foggy dialogs to prevent further hurt to the BS. Hah, it is to laugh. That is bs too…

So just tell him what you are doing. His heart is already broken. Pretending to yourself you don’t want to break yet another little piece off is hogwash. Treat him like a sentient being.

Anything less is ultimately selfish, regardless of your professed motives.


"Never forget that your pain means nothing to a WS." ~Mulan

"An ethical man knows it is wrong to cheat on his wife. A moral man will not actually do it." ~ Ducky

WS: They are who they are.

When an eel lunges out
And it bites off your snout
Thats a moray ~DS
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very very good insight and suggestion.

My H JUST called and wanted to talk about the weekend....he was concerned b/c he didn't have any details or insight into where I was and what I was doing.
I briefly outlined that this was a part of my NC plan (he is a familiar with MB).
He said, in light of that, it was NO problem to miss this Father/Daughter dance....he said "after all, I would just be watching her get all sugared up and dance like a crazy person...all while trying to keep her dress clean. And what do we get for that? A picture of the 2 of us with the date at the botoom! We can miss a year."

I'm telling you...he is a good, good man. I have been a stupid, stupid woman....but I am working on correcting that!

Quit my job today (figured out that even though I don't have to see the OM, it's still too entrenched with thoughts, memories, experiences of the 2 of us together) and am off to look for a new one!!! It's scary but I realized today just how necessary as part of NC.
I am realizing the importance of getting rid of ALL reminders that I can control. when i first read about this part, I just thought that it sounded extreme and unnecessary.....
it IS extreme but OH SO necessary to get thru withdrawal.

OH....and I went to Walmart today and happened to walk down an aisle that had an air freshener that brought back all kinds of memories......I USED THE IMAGINING THE STOP SIGN THING and it was awesome!!!! I've used it a few times today. THANK YOU!! It works!!!


me WW 40 BH 41 M 16 years
S11 and D4
PA 2/08 D-day 3/08
D 5/08 (not final)
NC take 2 3/24/09
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IS,

I don't know how often these Daddy/Daughter dances occur in your area but it is only once a year for me and it is absolutely precious to me. I would be very upset if my wstbxw asked to take that away from me. Not sure if your BH feels this way or not but you should assume that he does and figure out an alternative.

I totally agree with AW. You need to get away from your apartment starting on Friday. Is there some other friend you can stay with? Would your BH allow you to sleep on the couch at his house as AW suggested? Think long and hard about this. There must be some other alternative that will get you out of the house starting on Friday but allow your BH to still have those special moments with his daughter.

Mindshare

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Oh, good, good, good.

Keep it up, you will be free of him

ST

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One more quick observation. Then I will stay off your thread. (Posting on WS threads is rather painful.)

Learn what true love really is. Get past all this feelings crap you so seem to live for. True love has very little to do with romantic feelings. Those are endocrine responses evolved for the purpose of procreation. Nothing more than evolution at work through reptilian brain chemistry. Kind of disgusting, actually, when you think about it.

True love is action. True love is keeping promises, no matter what. True mature love is acting with integrity no matter what you may happen to feel at the time.

It does not necessarily have to feel good to love truly.


"Never forget that your pain means nothing to a WS." ~Mulan

"An ethical man knows it is wrong to cheat on his wife. A moral man will not actually do it." ~ Ducky

WS: They are who they are.

When an eel lunges out
And it bites off your snout
Thats a moray ~DS
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Originally Posted by in_shreds
very very good insight and suggestion.

Quit my job today (figured out that even though I don't have to see the OM, it's still too entrenched with thoughts, memories, experiences of the 2 of us together) and am off to look for a new one!!! It's scary but I realized today just how necessary as part of NC.
I am realizing the importance of getting rid of ALL reminders that I can control. when i first read about this part, I just thought that it sounded extreme and unnecessary.....
it IS extreme but OH SO necessary to get thru withdrawal.

OH....and I went to Walmart today and happened to walk down an aisle that had an air freshener that brought back all kinds of memories......I USED THE IMAGINING THE STOP SIGN THING and it was awesome!!!! I've used it a few times today. THANK YOU!! It works!!!

I just read through your thread and wanted to tell you how great you are doing. I know it must be difficult, but you will be so proud of yourself when you are free of OM even if you can't restore your marriage. (But I'm hoping you can). Your children need a good strong moral mother and they will respect you coming back from this terrible year of a huge mistake. At some point you can apologize to your children (especially the 11 yo) for the pain you caused everyone.

For now--just keep on with the fine fight. You can do it.


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IS,

Listen carefully to Aph's posts. He is offering you some very valuable advice from the other side. I also like the other advice you have been given. You have options, but you don't have an option when it comes to honesty and integrity. You must be both, and you must be open with your H even if he becomes your exH. He is the father of your children and he needs to be operating with as much as information as he can when it comes to the children.

I like the idea of you staying at his house for the father/daughter dance, and then leaving. Another option is you go to your families place, but have your H drive up with your daughter. A "road trip" might be enjoyed by both of your children.

All of this can be discussed with your H. Aph is right your H has already been crushed, being honest with him and open to discussing things with him will NOT hurt him further in any permenate way.

You are making good choices keep it up.

God Bless,

JL

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Great job to tell your H the NC plan and losing the job!

It is better to be totally honest though I do remember the absolute frantic and panic behaviour I had where you are now in not doing any more damage to my H and family.

I did some lunatic things when really all I had to do was be right upfront but NO ONE could tell me that in those moments. You'll get over that phase.

My H most times just told to take deep breaths and then calmly tell him whatever I was thinking of doing. which was a good thing because some were pretty crazy.... ok a lot crazy.

But I was terrified of stuffing the littlest thing up.

I feel you have a good man as a H. Don't loose faith in yourself or him. Get NC in place and see where it leads. But right now ... NC!!!!



Life may feel as if you are constantly getting kicked on a daily basis, living is about picking yourself up each day and going on and on and on regardless.

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Why not ask if you can sleep on the sofa so BH and daughter can do the dance? Then you will leave Sunday morning with DD for your brothers.

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I will think about what all of you have said.

I will double check with my husband but I really think he doesn't mind about the dance now that he understands the reason. But just in case, I will talk to him about it and put the option of leaving Sunday morning on the table.

And I definitely want to be upfront with him. In fact, I have to hold back with telling him everything because I want to respect his feelings/emotions and he has asked me to not share everything with him b/c it makes it harder for him. He has needed to have distance from me...and of course that was appropriate before.

Remember that we have lived apart and had separate lives for almost a year now. I think that once the NC/withdrawal has some clean history behind it, he will feel safer with knowing more/talking more.



me WW 40 BH 41 M 16 years
S11 and D4
PA 2/08 D-day 3/08
D 5/08 (not final)
NC take 2 3/24/09
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well.....it happened and I wasn't prepared even though I should have been.
The OM came to my door this afternoon. I was working and on the phone and when he knocked I thought it was my landlord and I opened the door without even thinking it could be him.
Then I just froze...I couldn't look him in the eye....I asked him to please leave and he was so upset and crying.
DAMN IT!!!!! I stood there and listened to his professions of love(I KNOW that was NOT what I should have done!!) and my heart started to melt(only for a few seconds!)....but I kept imagining the stop sign!!! I told him not to contact me by any means anymore and how important this is to me.....he said he wouldn't and that he just had to know that I was serious. (DUH! He KNEW I changed my phone number because he said he tried to call me!!)

I really didn't think he would come by so soon..I thought if I could just get away (to my brother's) after working at my other job on Friday morning that I would be safe. I really didn't think it would intensify until the weekend.

This knocked the wind out of my sails. I am not giving up or giving in or going back but DAMN IT! I am so MAD at myself for opening the door, for listening to him....for feeling sorry for him.(momentarily)
I don't really feel sorry for him OR for me.....after all, think what my H has gone thru....I cannot imagine HIS pain or betrayal or loss or agony. I cannot imagine what he has endured and he had NO say in any of it.

SO...now I know....and I don't want ANY more steps backward. I will always check the peephole before opening the door. I will never answer if it is him and will pretend I am not there.

I saw my husband tonight when I dropped off my son (we went to see a movie together) and I was so struck by all this man has endured and yet he treats me so decently. Now THERE is a man of courage and character.

Back to resolution in the face of temptation. SO difficult but SO essential.


me WW 40 BH 41 M 16 years
S11 and D4
PA 2/08 D-day 3/08
D 5/08 (not final)
NC take 2 3/24/09
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