Do you read to your kids at bedtime? I read to D18 every night of her life til she was in 8th grade, and then it started slipping away...she didn't want me to 'put her to bed every night'

But she loves reading so much now it's crazy; she buys college textbooks and workbooks with her money. But she loved the special time every night.

No, we don't...not something that I could stick too...

to be that disciplined...WOW! That's awesome...

YS read to me tonight and was asking me all kinds of questions on our state...poor thing...sometimes he would ask a question and give me the answer...the look on his face and him saying "Oh, I gave you the answer!"

I have to say that Mom did not do so well with the state reptile, fruit, etc...and I was corrected on the bird...it's not JUST a pelican! It's the brown pelican! LOL

Well, I'm off to carry out my Lent resolution...to read in the Bible...

nite all!

Night Rin,

Sleep well wonderful lady....

Good Afternoon! I called my old lawyer earlier today and asked if they has received my fax. They had and she was trying to get my file to me today!

So, onward and upward, hopefully!

On another note, POWS was across from house on his bike yesterday afternoon, he was pulling off from one of the neighbors...there was some chic on the back of it with him...looked a little trashy...I was hoping that the boys didn't notice...BUT they did...

OS asked who that was...I said I didn't know and that it didn't matter...then he said I know who that is and I replied, well, don't tell me because it's not important to me!

I happen to be on the phone with a friend at the time too...I did have a reaction to it but I'm not sure why...

The fact that he was with more trash, doesn't bother me...I think it was more along the lines of "If he only knew what I was up too and a little surprised that he was there, mixed with Un-freakin-believable!"

And then the look on his face wasn't all that great, I'm sure that he wasn't expecting me to pull into the driveway so early...and the fact that the kids saw him...who knows, who cares...

Hey, a little late, but it is the Harry POTTER books... Lol
My kids love to be read to. They also, especially my older D, loves for me to tell her a "Steggie Story".... they are stories about dinosaurs, the hero being the Stegosaurus...lol...she loves dinosaurs!


I do not think that you did the wrong thing by firing your lawyer. I mean, for real, why did they not have the real and accurate figures? You did the right thing.

I hope you are doing well!

And... he is TRASH... so he is ATTRACTING TRASH!

Well, ladies and gentlemen! I picked up my file from my old lawyer and went straight to me new lawyer's office, dropped off my file and retainer!

I also received notice that my new court date is May 27th to settle Comm. prop. and CS issues!

I left with homework to do as far as comm. prop. and I'm excited!

On another note, the trashy OW that was with POWS last Thursday was introduced to the boys this weekend! They all went to play putt putt golf, video games in the arcade, etc...It was one of the first things out of OS's mouth, saying that she was really nice and she's dad's new GF! I didn't say anything!

Out of my control as far as OW being introduced to the kids, and the only thing that crossed my mind was..."He's got money to do that, no job and can't pay his CS!" Way to go POWS!

Outside of that, I am good...the Rindiva had a dinner date Friday night that went really well, Saturday a movie, and Sunday went to the grocery store and the gym! Then dinner with the neighbors, so my weekend was great! I also spent some extra time at work on Saturday and spent time in the yard getting everything cut, cleaned, and weeded!

I'm certainly not in a rush and think I have finally figured out what I was doing wrong and am trying to do something different! Slower, keep the focus on myself, and change my thinking on a few things...

I did have something that happened Saturday nite that threw me off but that was my stuff! I'm learning that even my boundaries can threw me for a loop but it was a good loop and I realized that my thinking needs to change...it really hit home that boundaries are for me and not for other people...a reminder that I needed...that was an AMAZINGLY ahrd concet for me to learn...growing up with few in my life as a child...

I even talked to my sponsor about it and she backed me up and said that I'm doing good and need to stick with it!

Which I have to say that she is extremely proud of me today...where I've come from to today...working my program even when I can't attend meetings...going to church...managing my work, boys, social life, taking care of me!

Which in reality was never a problem, attending to my stuff, it was the extra stuff that I had on my plate that caused me great pains...POWS' stuff...

The serenity that I've gained since the separation, which happen to be 2 years ago yesterday...YEA, I thought about it...it hit me when the date rolled around but there's no regrets, no longing for a future that I was suppose to have, or a past...no pain, no hurt feelings...unlike the day that I left, and he tracked me down, causing my boss to call the police...unrooting the kids and I faster than I wanted...no sadness...

I was/am very comfortable in the fact that I have stood my ground and fought hard for my M and now for my D (well, D being final, just the numbers part)...

Who would have thought that two years later I would be taking another stand for me and the kids? Everytime that I ahve had to do this there's that initial fear, because it's different, it's the unknown...am I doing the right thing...but every decision that I have made since I left has been pretty good in regards to our wellfare...and everytime that I step up to the plate, it enpowers me to trust myself more and more...

Something I allowed to be taken away from me long ago...why, becasue I chose to belief someone else's truth rather than my own! Not today!

When POWS told me that I didn't deserve more than the house and the car, I knew better.

I got to see his income for last year and if we can live on what I'm making then he can certainly do the same. Again, when I told him that I thought it was a matter of poor choices, it has been!

I have peace knowing that his choices don't disrupt my life like they use too! I have peace knowing that I made the right decision all the way around and it sit extremely well with me!

I'm a good mother, a hard worker, and I will be a wonderful asset to that special person that comes along...Patience is the key!

Well, here's a nice neat little newsflash...

I pick up the kids from the sitter's a little while ago and I find out that POWS dropped the kids off with her Saturday so that he could go ride his bike with trashy to another city.

OS informs me that POWS didn't ask me because POWS thought I was mad about OW...

So, I txted him asking if he was busy and had a few minutes to talk...he said that he did and I waited until I wasn't around the kids...then I called and asked nicely for him to not make up my mind for me on whether I was going to watch the kids and that I wasn't going to make a big deal out of it becasue last Dec. when I had to go to that Conference, I didn't ask him...I made up his mind for him...

I said that I wouldn't do that to him again and would he please be kind enough to let me decided whether I wanted to watch the kids since they could have gone to a bday party. He agreed so we will see how that works...being that we have first right to refusal...I will have to be more careful in the future to do my part in holding true to it...

Then I asked if he had paid the sitter or if he expected me too...he said that he did...then I asked about CS and he said that he would get it to me when he could...I paused and said "okay, I have nothing else to say about that" and ended the call!

I think that I handled the sitch very well!

It irritated me that he didn't call to ask but I have to put myself in his shoes. Lesson learned!

Good Morning!

For those of you who are keeping up with OS's sitch...we go for our last eye testing today...please pray for that one...last time was suppose to be the last! LOL...

I have to say that I got his tests last night and he had 3 A's, 1 B, 1 C, and a F...F in spelling...but outside of that, i'm pretty happy...huge difference from all F's...and that just with the accommodations at school...and being in one class instead of three...

I'm in a pretty good moood for someone who didn't get to bed until 1:30 doing homework for my lawyer...and I can tell you that it doesn't look like I'll be oweing MR. POWS anything, much less a few thousands in reimbursements! I knew I wasn't stupid!

Good for you, Rin!

Prayers going up for your son.

Fox

Good work all around! I love to see people learn better skills. Gives me hope!

don't mess with JOAT!

Rin,

Hope the eye appt went well!


Honey, all you had to do was ask,,, I would have affirmed that you are FAR from stupid!

Gee girl, you were smart enough to deflect the POWS's advances even though you were still in personal emotional turmoil! If THAT doesn't prove you are one intelligent woman, than what does?

How about fighting for your kids? Getting them the help they need/deserve?

How about working your program? Learning? Growing? Changing? Getting stronger? Being a Goddess? Working on the house? Working on the car? Getting a new job??

Are you getting the idea???

Good for you Rin!

Well, I tried to reply to you guys when we were in the dr. office but I couldn't get it posted.

On the way there, we met POWS on the road...now this is in the next city and he's in the truck with the new trash! I had txted him earlier to let him know that OS has made Student of the month for Feb...while he didn't reply until after we waved at him...with calling my phone...I knew it was him, so I handed the phone to OS...

Must be nice to ride in the streets all day long with no job...

Later, I txtd him to let him know the news of the eye appt...and he was sitting in a bar...hmmmmmm.....OK! WHATEVER! TRASH!

OS didn't have more testing today...he had his first round of vision therapy. THe reports and accomdations for school were not complete yet but I asked how long we were going to ahve to do therapy and his assistant guessed about 12 to 16 weeks...once a week in the office and execises to do everyday at home...

After the appt, I had to rush back to work and brought OS with me becasue some members from our corporate team was down to audit our files...we did well! I have a few things that I ahve to get cleaned up before the end of April. After they finished they invited me, hence OS, and my Financial Aid Repre to dinner...she even picked up the tab for OS...

THat was cool! OS getting to see mom at a business dinner meeting...which he's gotten to go to before when I was at my other job...but I love that he get to see mom in action...talk about being the lighthouse and he was extremely well behaved...

I didn't realize the time and hadn't called the sitter to let YS know what we were up too...it was 8pm when I did and I felt SOOOO bad...this time change has been killing me this go around! Usually the kids are in bed by now, but since I'm feeling guilty, I'm letting them stay up a little longer, like the last three nights!

EPH, yep, don't mess with JOAT! LOL...Jill of all trades for those that don't know...I did a CS excel sheet tonight to hand over to my lawyer...I have the same thing for reimbursements and I'm going to do something similiar of the property and assets that POWS and I had together...

You know it STILL amazes me that POWS is so trashy...and WHY, in the heck, did I not see it before? Was it because he was riding on my coattail? It had to be, I was better with money, better with people...could mingle in and out of social classes...I'm well rounded and professional...

THanks Bugs, you know I was being sarcastic right? LOL...I know how intelligent I am...and I knew I was being messed with...MOF, a co-worker and friend said today that she is so happy for me now that I'm with this new lawyer...she's around law ALOT...teaches our Criminal Justice classes at school...and this lawyer has an awesome reputation for being honest...

I may be slow at times but I promise I didn't ride the short bus! I deal with numbers all day long...I know my stuff...

MOF, one of the members of the corporate team said tonight when I was describing some of the things that I do at the school now...said "Oh, yea, they are grooming you to take over!" I know that's what they are doing but it was good to hear being it was from her and her position...

I didn't feel a certain way when she said it...it was just like reinforcement that I am being trained to take over one of the school...a simply reminder...like OH YEA!

Well, I have to get these wonderful little guys in bed and work on my homework...lots of paperwork to go through again...dotting all the i's and crossing all the t's!

FOX...let's get it lady...we'll show'em...

Cat...thanks for stopping in...I love the support...and need it...I'm not feeling like my plate's full yet!!!! but I am getting tired...

Oh Johnstwin, the wonderful and fabulous JT! I don't know if you are around or been keeping up but thanks again for all of the help with OS...

Definitely COULD NOT HAVE GOTTEN TO THIS POINT WITHOUT YOU! THANKS FOR HEADING ME IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION! A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE!!!!

I was going to call you and update you but I'm exhausted today...going straight to bed today!

Hi Rin!

I got your email so I thought I'd pop in and check your update.

Student of the month eh? Kudos to OS and to you for being his advocate at school.



This is great! It took my YS about 6 months of vision therapy and then his reading level jumped above grade level. The daily exercises get kinda boring but they work-just like physical therapy.

This is so cool!

You are showing your boys what a real woman can do when she puts her mind to it.

Thanks so much JT!

Reading level jumped? WOW! I'll be looking forward to that one! It just didn't occur to me!

AND IT does make me feel great when the boys get to see how successful mom has become...MOF, OS and I had a talk on the way to pick up YS last night...I was telling him how I would like to work in the corporate office and that's what I'm striving for and he said but wouldn't you be traveling all the time like MRs. Z...

I said well, what happens to me when you and your brother are off at college? What's mom going to do then? I have to have a life after you guys grow up. I have to start preparing for that now! I said the more successful I am the more I can help you and your brother get through college when you are both straving and need money on your meal card!

Of course, this started a conversation about what a meal card was and my experience in college...all of which I love...LOL...part of the brainwashing!

I also get to share stories about when his dad and I were in college which I know that they love to hear!

I swear I'm being tested these days...we got home and POWS is across the street...and guess with who?

The longer I sit here the more pissed off I get that he is doing his own thing and spending money here and there and not taking care of his kids...

My living room faces the street and even with the blinds closed I can still see their cars...

I have a heaviness in my chest and I'm trying to figure out exactly how I feel at this moment...

I've thought about taking the kids and going grab something to eat just to get out of the house go I don't have to see them still there...

Why is this bothering me...is there hurt still left or is it just because he's not holding up to his responsiblities? Is it becasue he's with a new OW? Because the thougth did cross my mind I wish she knew what he did to me and that he will do it to her...

I know I was happy when the first OW and him got into a fight and he told me about the conversation...I thought "SHE SEES HIM FOR WHO HE IS! GREAT!"

For the first time in a long time I thought about my first screenname here: NeedingComfort

I know that LA has said that feeling don't change...when they are called up that they can feel just the same as they have in the past...for a split second I thought I want him to hurt the way I have hurted...but that didn't seem right to me...

POWS has been there since we got home and a friend stopped by to show me his new car...he knows POWS and we talked about what's been going on in our lives...he works offshore so he touches base with me from time to time and I told him what POWS has been up too...T recognized the truck across the street...and I told T I'm so happy that I D'ed POWS...see what I would be getting...

But I still can't pinpoint what I'm feeling right now...it's not overwhelming...usually I can identify my feelings with no trouble...this is more like how I use to feel when I was with him...it's not anxiety...and I'm not mad...it's like I'm running through all of them, not really sticking to one...it's certainly not jealousy...the fact that he's with yet another woman doesn't bother me...

What's abandonment feel like? Empty? Because POWS has certinaly done that...yea, cause I really hate him for that...that's it becasue my eyes are tearing up...I'm pissed that we've been abandoned...for someone who cares about his kids SOOOO much that he can run the roads, doing whatever he wants and we're left with ME taking care of all their needs...on my income...we're last again...selfish..good thing I am who I am...and I will not stop fighting to take care of these boys...

I use to get so mad becasue I had to take care of the boys on my own...they were with me 24/7...while he did whatever he wanted too...something don't change...

WEll, last night was a rough one but I made it through! I did end up taking the kids to go eat with the gift certs. that my mom had given them for Vday but when we got back POWS was still there...

So, I read on abandonment and what that is like...talk about having a spiritual awakening...that was the main feeling in my M for me...This internet/porn use...looking for OW on the net and hooking up with them left me in a constant state of feeling abandoned and rejected all the time...of course, this led to a drop in my self esteem which led to clinginess, which led to anger and resentment...always wondering why I was never good enough for him...

POWS stayed there until after midnight...I tried to go to sleep and then the thought hit me...what if he's moved over there? There's an apartment behind the neighbors house...of course this threw me into more turmoil and I txtd him...asking what was he doing? He replied with nothing why...I asked if he was just visiting and he said yea that he was fixing to leave...

Then he txtd asking what I was doing and I replied wondering if you ever consider my feelings...he asked what I meant and I said that he had no idea the hurt that he still caused me...he said that he was just trying to live his life and he was really sorry...

I said rite? If that was true then he would do something differently and that I get that part, I'm okay with that part...he asked what would I have him do differently, try me

So I called and he listened...told me that NEW OW is neighbor's good friend, that's how they met...So, I talked...and I admitted that everytime he was on the internet looking for OW I felt rejected and abandoned, that he had left us, that this was old feelings and him being over there for 6 hours brought all those feeling back up...it was a good conversation for me and he didn't get defensive, no anger, no justifications...even asked what was he suppose to do when nieghbor had invited him over for BBQ? I didn't have an answer but said that when we were M'ed he was suppose to protect me and he didn't...and I couldn't make him stop doing what he was doing...I didn't know what he was suppose to do now, but felt that admitting me feelings to him would help me...I told him that he never helped me heal from all of his crap that he did becasue he didn't listen...I told him how often I felt empty, alone, which made me anger and resentful...THIS conversation WASN'T FOR HIM but FOR ME...I didn't expect anything on his part...it was me speaking up about my stuff...I told him that I needed to admit it to him becasue I had no problems admitting it to OP...

And that was his job to help me heal...I even told him that I still didn't get why I was never god enough for him?...it was a brief conversation to be honest...it was GOOD FOR ME...he apologized again...I just said that I hear him and good nite...

After I got off the phone, to my surprise I ended up throwing up...AND AFTER I did that, I felt SOOOOO much better...like I was cleansed from all of the cr@p...after that I was able to go to bed and fall asleep...

It also occurred to be that his behavior at the end was a result of his own fear of abandonment...the complusive behaviors, the violent behavior...it just kind of all clicked together for me...

I lived in rejection with him...not just with him and his OW, of course, I'm sure that was the behavior that led to the other behaviors...THING IS I'M GREAT TODAY...I'M okay with yesterday becasue now I know why seeing him with OW bothers me...it's not today's stuff...so if those feeling come up in the future, I can recognize that IT IS old stuff and go about my happy way...knowing that I have healed from it...on my own...and in future R's I know a little bit better what to look for should I start pushing someone away or if I start feeling liek I did with POWS, it will be a HUGE red flag and I will be able to get out...

today, healthier...today, better prepared NOT TO REPEAT the same mistakes...a healthier mom for her precious boys...peaceful!

You've got a lot going on Rin. I can see your struggle, but I can also see you're working through it. I think last night was a pretty big breakthrough.

EXWW still does things that irk me, but all I do is shake my head. I'm not triggered by anything with her anymore.

You're gettin close to that. Peace is a beautiful thing

God speed T-Chaoui

I love your new sigline...

You nailed what you just experienced. You went back into the past and your brain made it feel like you were experiencing it all over again...married to him and him cheating...rejecting...discounting...re-injuring.

And he wasn't.

And you got to that by talking it out...and you knew you were doing that...and you did it, anyway.

Ironically, that's what you told him he needed to do to help you heal.

Self-rejection sucks...sucked for years...you're not doing that anymore...maybe new level to see traces where you still are...

because you KNOW you've always been, are and will be enough. Period.

LA