The advice I give you is based on the very hard lessons I've learned at 36. I was an idiot when it came to women when I was growing up, but the worst was in my 20s. I fell madly in love with all the wrong kind of women. I had "White Knight Syndrome" and saw myself as the romantic Knight in Shining armor with a need to save the damsels in distress. The first really serious girlfriend I had was hung up on an ex of hers who was in jail and (unbeknownst to me) was trying to quit drugs cold turkey. I had no idea.
I at least had the presence of mind to let her go.
The next woman I met was seeing me and another guy at the same time. I didn't know. She went on to marry the other guy. I was MADLY in love with this woman and thought she was "The One".
She later contacted me after marrying this other guy and we had an emotional affair for a while afterwards. I was still in love with her when she contacted me and her unhappiness was something I hung on to and I had restored hope that she would leave this man and go with who she was originally intended to be with. I seen now how wrong it was for us to talk, but my romantic notions overrode everything else at that time.
The next woman I got serious with was really attractive, but a mental case. She was bipolar. She was very exciting and I wanted to marry her. I'm soooooo glad I didn't. She's on her fourth husband right now and is in her early 30s and about to split from the fourth.
Then came my now exww. She seemed normal at first. She was young, though, which in hindsight was probably our greatest problem. I am 7 years older than her and was well past the need to go to clubs and dancing, etc. She has a very strong need for attention and really needs a man who will be at her side all the time because she has anxiety attacks on a regular basis and it is very normal for her to suffer from one massive medical scare a year which usually turns out to be not as serious as originally thought. When we were married she thought she had skin cancer, breast cancer, IBS, Krohn's Disease, and dozens of anxiety attacks. All of them were taken seriously by me and they were nerve wracking each time, but a sense of "Cry Wolf" started creeping in.
She cheated on me when I was deployed for war and went out with 5 guys in the two weeks before I came home.
My "sins" as a husband sound similar to yours. Wasn't romantic enough. Didn't like to go dancing. Let my mom express her opinion too much.
The faults are easy for her to focus on. She overlooks the times I gave up flights and the career sacrifices I made to be at her side during all her medical scares. And there is absolutely no way she can say I wasn't an involved father. I helped in every aspect of taking care of the kids and would often stay with them and watch them while she "ran errands".
I had my moments when she was sick where I would ask myself, "Why did I marry someone who can't handle stress or is so sick all the time?"
But I'd always remind myself of "For better or for worse".
I too wanted to forgive her infidelity and restore our marriage nor did I see my alleged sins as a husband as things that couldn't be addressed, but the reality is that I wasn't the one that was broken. She was and still is and still has that "woe is me" victim mentality.
I've already heard the stories of the guy she's with who does the same exact stuff I use to do. I've heard how he helps her out of bed and down the stairs because of her latest ailment (back pain from a car accident that her boyfriend was in as well).
I was even told by people who know them both that he's a good guy, but they feel sorry for him and think she'll leave him before he leaves her.
All I care about is that he treats the kids well, which is good.
In the course of my healing I've learned hard lessons about women and see very clearly now that I settled in every single relationship I was in. I didn't seek women who were mature and sought women who had emotional voids. I felt good about filling the emotional voids for them and patted myself on the back for it and for "being a good guy".
What I've learned is that settling is not an option. I've learned that women in their 30s are awesome to date because most of the ones I've met are mature. I've learned that if you end it with one, you can easily find someone else after some time.
And the best thing that has happened to me in my personal life is that I've met a woman who is emotionally stable and who supports herself completely and puts zero pressure on me about anything. We're both nerds and revel in our nerdness. She watches Battlestar Galactica and has discussions with me about who she thinks is a Cylon and where the plots are headed.
She is my lobster.
But I suffered a lot of heartache to find her.
So what I'm saying to you in my advice comes from a long history of dating the wrong kind of women. Your wife is just that kind. She married young, which is a very common thing to find in wayward wives on these boards. So she wants to find what's out there and what she thinks she's missing out on. You're lucky you have no kids with her. What you're likely to learn is that there's better and more compatible women for you out in the world, but you're stuck loving your Pinto.
This isn't to minimize the pain you feel. It's very real. It hurts worse than anything short of the death of a child. But you WILL get past it and will be grateful you're not with her anymore. Trust me on that.
I was just as madly in love with my "lost love" when I was 26. Crazy mad in love with romantic notions. Never thought I'd love like that again. The truth is that I haven't loved like that again, but that's because I'm older now and see that romantic notions can cover up reality. So instead of images of rainbows and butterflies flying with bunnies playing on grassy fields while holding hands, I focus more on important stuff like "what do I have in common with her?" and "does she support herself" and "is she a drama queen or not"?
She was your first everything. I get that. I completely understand the intesity of that emotion.
But I can say, with near certainty, that you'll be glad to have let her go and will see her, after some time, for who she really is once you've had time to heal.
You have nothing to lose by going to a Plan B after you're done exposing. Nothing to lose at all since you're on the path to divorce right now as it is. There's no more powerful a motivator as the fact that there is nothing left to lose. The fact is that she is lost. You have nothing to lose by following the advice you're given here which seems counter-intuitive, but you won't regret having done it when you look back.
You will look back and be glad you exposed and did it properly, regardless of her return. You should be talking to a lawyer right now about an Alienation of Affection lawsuit to bring against OM and possibly a Civil Suit for damages caused by adultery (heard about this being possible in Texas).
Cliches have truth to them, and there is no more truth than "there's plenty of fish in the sea".
So let this one go. Heal. Then go find your lobster.
