The question I get asked the most is 'why is it taking so long?' When the answer is: 'she's dragging things out,' the next question is 'Why?'

I've come to the conclusion that STBXWW is only interested in doing things that benefit her and is thoroughly uncomfortable with doing things that don't benefit her (something I really should've figured out a long time ago). Right now she's trapped between Marriage and Divorce. If she chose Marriage she would have to do things that make her uncomfortable, like caring for another human being. If she chose Divorce she would have to do different things that she doesn't want to do, like give up a bunch of money. So she's trapped between two things she doesn't want to do. As her BFF told her: "it's really [censored] unfair to you."

Oh, BHHFS...don't go there, please.

You do what doesn't benefit you, which harms you, and I know you aren't that guy anymore.

So does she.

Please remember the perspective of the wayward mind: An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect (Gimble, MB).

This is a formula for a way of life...and she's lived it. It's fantasy...divorce is real. I propose she is dragging it out from procrastination, inattention and distraction from reality.

Reality is where the pain of her own choices, betrayal, acts of harm to the marriage and to BHHFS...as long as she doesn't go there, she won't "feel" it...and to a wayward, feelings are everything.

Doesn't take an active affair to be in that state of mind.

I will tell you this about your view of meeting her EN for FS...you cannot meet an EN you are told is not important. She didn't tell you "I have this thing where I want you to be the major breadwinner (magically) make more money than I do and do so without affecting my career in any way."

That was wishfulness, not reality. You guys didn't have an intimate marriage where she told you her real ENs, identified your LBs, or vice versa. So learn from that for you, BHHFS...the "don't ask don't tell" destroys marriages. Ask and tell, anyway. Share what matters...when you discount your stuff, you'll discount your partner's stuff. Don't dismiss...it's not part of letting the little things go...and conflict avoidance is as dangerous as infidelity to a marriage. Because often, that's what infidelity is...a passive aggressive act...and you know that devastation, broken hearted hoover fixit sucker guy.

Did I come close? See, my memory is shot...don't listen to a thing I say.

And she can't have taken the savings...you have it documented that upon abandoning the marriage she made off with an asset...still part of the marital asset which she owes. Include it and let the outcome go.

She doesn't make you a better person...you do that. Nothing about her makes you anything, nor made you. Your love doesn't save people...they are blessed by it.

As we are by you. Hold true to your focus on you...what if not conflict avoiding right now, in some way, would give you a boost and advance the divorce a notch? Not you not doing...you not speaking, sharing, being a tad louder with someone you would not do so. I dunno...asking a judge directly, a legal librarian, an unconnected to you paralegal...someone who was divorced recently?

Throwing it out there...like I kept at you to step out of your comfort zone. You don't have to live out of it...just talk a walk. Be open to learning what you didn't before...not to be safe...you already are safe...not to be loved...you already are loved...to be honest and true, all the way through.

I meant, CC, the symbol of the divorce decree...the experience of it coming into being...doesn't exist yet, signed, authorized, done. This was a real marriage. Annulment to me means it didn't happen. I don't get that. Seems like a wayward came up with that.

LOL

LA

Any progress? I'm sorry because I know that you really wanted to be divorced by the new year. If she continues down her current stalling path, what is the latest that you may have to wait for your freedom?

There's been no progress AFAIK. I've heard nothing from my lawyer since early October. Here's hoping something happens in January.

BHHFS,

Why don't you file for divorce and become agressive with it? IN CA she really cannot stop the divorce and she doesn't even really have to agree.

JL

I'm unclear on what precisely you think I should do. I filed for divorce long ago. She was served on May 22, 2008.

I haven't read your whole thread, but I would like to respond to precisely what you should do. HOUND your lawyer. I had to force mine into court, after eight months. My lawyer balked, but I was paying him for it, I hollered, Move it already! I want a court date by the end of the month or you're fired and I'll sue you for what I've paid your sorry rear already!

It worked. Final within two weeks of that conversation.

I called my attorney today to ask what's going on and what can be done to get something going on. She said she'd sent a settlement proposal to STBXWW's attorney and has heard nothing back. She will now make a call to follow up. She doesn't want to be too pushy because if STBXWW does not have a job she may file for spousal support from me. Further injustice would not surprise me.

I seriously doubt that she would be able to get spousal support from you seeing as up until the last 16 months, she made a lot more than you. It isn't as much how much your spouse makes, but rather how capable they are to make money. I think she would get laughed out of court if she tried. Your lawyer just needs to push things.

My lawyer called me yesterday and said she had received a response to the settlement proposal. They are contesting the date of separation. My lawyer had put it as October 2007 (when STBXWW moved out) and they want it as January 2008 (when I filed). My lawyer suspects STBXWW racked up debt during those three months.

She also wants to be reimbursed for the storage unit she's been paying for since November 2007. And what really made me laugh is that apparently her lawyer thinks my comic book collection is some gold mine and they want me to provide a complete inventory and valuation.

I discussed this with my lawyer, who said that in my county the courts are quick to assign temporary spousal support to a spouse that is not working, regardless of reason or capability. So it is best if STBXWW has a new job.

You're holding fast on this one, right? She abandoned you, after all, by moving out.

Things finally seem to be moving along. STBXWW's lawyer has been in more frequent contact with mine. Granted, most of their requests don't comport with state law (i.e. STBXWW wanted reimbursements for the payments she made on the car she took when she left) but it seems like those are falling by the wayside. And she isn't asking for spousal support, so that's good. Of course, her lawyer's latest proposal is that we both just walk away with what is currently in our possession. Hmmm, let's see, she currently has 75% of the assets... wow, what an enticing offer!

Apparently she's still living out in the Reno/Tahoe area but will be coming back into the area today. I don't know why, exactly, but I certainly have no desire to see her.

Maybe she's trying to beg for her old job back because she is now unemployed.

Glad to see the proceedings are finally moving, though... it's been quite some time.

Hey, BHHFSGuy,

Any news?

Yes, according to her lawyer, STBXWW is in general agreement with the final settlement proposal and has offered an equalizing payment. There were a couple of issues we disagreed on, but I'm confident those will be resolved. She has clarified that she is waiving spousal support.

How much longer do you think it will be until it's final? Another 2 months? I'm sure you are ready to hit the market again.

Yes, I'm hoping it'll only be another couple of months.

This sure has dragged out, but it's good to see the end is in sight.

I am not sure that you need to wait for your decree before participating in the market.

Gecko House - Relationship counselling Cheers