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Last edited by a719; 03/13/09 02:40 PM.
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My H is very transparent now, and has been since d-day, but I still don't feel that I have "enough" to make me feel totally confident. His job requires that he have a work cell phone, to which I have no access to phone records. It automatically locks when not in use, so I can't even check it. I pushed for the password months ago and then messed up when trying to enter it...to the point that it locked me out and erased all the memory. This resulted in an argument between us; technical dept. at his work had to reset it and I never pushed for the new password or instructions on how to get into the phone.
I don't have access to his email b/c he stated that he just wanted one thing that was still his, same with his myspace acct. I'm on his "friend" list, but don't have access to these things at my leisure. He has said that I can ask him to look at these things whenever I want to, but I'm always afraid that by doing so, I will incite an argument, so I don't. I also do not have access to his bank acct. (we have always had separate accts.). He gave me the password once on the day that I threatened to leave him unless he showed me his statements b/c I knew that he had taken the whor* on a trip to vegas, which he had originally denied. I immediately forgot the complicated pass code and never asserted my desire for it after that day.
His job still requires plenty of weekend and nighttime hours at the office or hospital & while I want to trust that he is doing exactly what he says he is, the truth is that I have never been able to eliminate fears that there is always that chance... The whor* still works with him although I'm supposed to believe that there is absolutely NC (I posted about this before) and that he "hates her guts." On the surface, all facts available to me point to this being true and correct, but I am no longer living in a world of rational thought and my fears get the best of me most of the time. I feel like my life cannot truly start again until she leaves. We are 100% stuck with the situation the way it is; she won't leave, he can't. We are in absolutely no position for him to change jobs, locations, etc. (I also previously posted and explained this reasoning.)
My problem is this: it's been so long since those crazy first months when we were in counseling that anytime I express feelings of skepticism, hurt, anger, etc. now, he gets deffensive and angry and sort of responds as if to say "why now?", like I'm pulling this all out of nowhere.
Every request from me has been met with the same response; first anger and deffensiveness, a little manipulation (tells me it's not "fair" for me to bring this stuff up at this point...), and ultimately ends in nothing being resolved but somehow I'm snowed into thinking that we've wrapped up the issue at hand. Or maybe it's that I'm so emotionally exhausted by the end of an argument that I don't have it left in me to say, "oh, by the way, I need this, this, and this..."
He feels that it's natural for him to be upset and that it's "unfair" for me to be put off by his response. Problem is he is not being transparent and your gut knows it. He has a private phone, bank account, and two different email accounts. He still works with OW. Very bad!!! You won't have any peace until they don't work together anymore. There are way too many secrets still. The angry manipulative response is typical of WS not FWS. Be careful believing what he says when he lashes out at you for wanting the truth. He has earned your distrust. Is he really willing to earn back trust, no matter how long it takes? I don't think he really comprehends the agony that his actions have caused or he would not respond angrily or secretively.
Over it.
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Last edited by a719; 03/13/09 02:43 PM. Reason: ...
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Your WH doesn't have a clue how much he has devastated you. You are not even close to recovery. He still has way to many secrets and he still is in contact with OW. Personally, I don't see much hope for your situation unless you establish some boundaries and insist that your WH get on board.
How about a MB weekend? You need to take some drastic steps to shake things up. An MB weekend would be a real wake-up call for both of you.
Mindshare
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A:
Your husband is probably still involved.
Having trouble accessing Bank records of cell phones because the password procedures are difficult?
So.
If your WH was TRULY on board, he would sit with you and just make it happen with you. And why do you need "your" password? Use his. Have him log you in and you look around. Write down the process as he does it. Put it in a safe place.
If he states: "I have DONE this already, what's wrong with YOU!
THere is nothing wrong with you. ITS him. He needs to do this to rstore your trust. He just has to do it as you need it. Anything less seems like he has something to hide. My BS has all my passwaords, and access to my phone, whenever she wants. She picks up my phone and scrolls it every now and then. It doesn't matter to me.
You are experinceing "triggers" Things that make you remember the A and its sadness. HE SHOULD be helping you with that. Helping you past them. Helping you address them. How can he do that? You need to tell him what the triggers are, when they happen, and think of solutions to reduce them. He wears that "green shirt" and you know that he and OW went out on a date when he was wearing that. You tell him. And then you get rid of the green shirt. IF HE doesn't know that it hurts you, he can't do anything about it. Does this mean that some thing have to GO? To the extant that a car is sold or that you move? Yes. And that is what the WS needs to do to help the BS heal.
You need COMPLETE access to his myspace account. Or he can just delete it.
Time to get the bank statements on PAPER. So what if the internet makes it "green". If you want to LOOK at them, you can.
And, its ok to have seperate accounts. But what that leads to is seperate lives. It seems to be a big indicator to me, the longer I have been here at MB, if the finances are kept seperate, then the REAL committment hasn't happened.
Your still early with this.
You should really look at going to the MB weekend. You will be surprised at how your WH may respond to someone else describing what is wrong, and the plan to fix it.
LG
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Last edited by a719; 03/13/09 02:44 PM. Reason: ...
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I feel for you. My H's A (he swears it was an EA and I'm still not convinced---either way, it's bad) was 3 years ago and I'm still not comfortable because I still don't have all the details I need to make sense of the timeline, etc. And I had to pull info out of him bit-by-bit. It was always under the guise of "I didn't want to hurt you by telling you...." which is classic WS-babble.
I finally just wrote him a letter and put it in his luggage as he was leaving for an extended out of town trip. I outlined about 3-4 things that were vitally important to me in order for me to remain married to him. The details of the A were listed there. And yes, he is now also easily aggravated when I bring it up. I get "I'm never going to live this down. You're never going to forget it, are you".
I have no idea if he's found the letter yet. Our conversations so far have been very light. The people on this website helped me craft a great letter that was not judgemental but clearly defined my boundaries. Perhaps something like this could help you?
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I don't have access to his email b/c he stated that he just wanted one thing that was still his, same with his myspace acct. I'm on his "friend" list, but don't have access to these things at my leisure. He has said that I can ask him to look at these things whenever I want to, but I'm always afraid that by doing so, I will incite an argument, so I don't. I also do not have access to his bank acct. (we have always had separate accts.). He gave me the password once on the day that I threatened to leave him unless he showed me his statements b/c I knew that he had taken the whor* on a trip to vegas, which he had originally denied. I immediately forgot the complicated pass code and never asserted my desire for it after that day. If you do not have ACCESS TO EVERYTHING then he is not being transparent. Most likely he is continuing to hide his ongoing affair with the ho..  Get tough, follow the plan's here on MB. You are going to get some great advice from people people that have been there, done that and you need to follow it. Don't let yourself be a doormat and allow your WH to cake-eat Your WH's defensiveness reeks of a continued affair.
Me46
FWH42
Married 19 yrs
EA 4/07 - 4/08
(Confirmed by polygraph that it had not gone PA)
Dday1 4/13/08
Dday2 8/8/08
S26
S16
D10
Trying to Recover
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It was a mistake to give hubby access to this site.
All the cheaters always HATE us and think we are cult-like when they first come here. So he is perfectly normal.
That said, your marriage won't recover as long as he is working with the OW. That is just the way it is. I've been here for a long time, and have NEVER seen a marriage recover with the affairees still working together. (Now watch - all the people whose marriage recovered with the adulterors still working together will suddenly start posting on this thread.)
Really, it sounds like the two of you should have the world by the tail.
Have you checked out the emotional needs questionnaire here to see if the two of you are meeting each other's top needs?
Hubby thinks you have let yourself go. I understand that you are working on that, and I think you should continue, just for your own self-esteem.
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Your WH wants recovery on HIS terms. Going down this road will not work for a BS who wants better than stuffing their feelings. Recovery is hard enough but him working with OW is going to make it impossible. We'll start with divorce proceedings. I WILL NOT spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder only to gaze at a f-ing brick wall. Glad to hear it. Don't be manipulated or guilted into feeling you are asking too much. You KNOW the current situation is not working and it won't. My FWH would have moments of claiming nothing he did was ever going to be good enough for me and he was being completely transparent. I can understand his frustration (real or not) but I am not willing to put up certain things anymore. I'd rather be divorced than a mental mess. I dunno. I think a wayward rarely gets it completely. Even though my own H takes EPs there are times he underestimates the impact of something he says or does. There doesn't have to be any ill intent behind something that makes the BS feel the sting. Perhaps thats just the way it is with all BSs because they see things with a very different perspective. No one can change WH except WH. If he refuses to give you what you need, I don't see how you are ever going to rebuild. {{a719}}
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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WH wants to just 'sweep it under the rug' and move on. Most waywards do. He doesn't want to do the time for the heinous crime he committed against you. He does not realize just how devastating it is to have the person you trusted most in the world violate you in the worst possible way. He can blame MB all he wants but that is just a cop out. You were feeling miserable before you came here by your own admission. You were not happy with his transparency and truthfulness. Whether you came here or not you were on the path towards D almost guaranteed. MB can offer you a plan on how to recover a loving marriage. However, the plan requires that both the BS and WS go 'all in'. Your WH is a long way from that at this point. He may never get there and then you will have to decide if you can live with somebody that would destroy your trust to the very foundation and then not be willing to do ANYTHING you want to restore it. Tell your WH it is a marathon and that you can have a better marriage then you ever had before but he needs to roll up his sleeves and address ALL of your concerns. On the other hand, you need to understand his to EN's and work towards meeting them as well. It's hard....hard work. If you allow WH to sweep it under the rug you will be back here at some point in utter despair. Keep tabs on your own LB because you are losing love for your WH daily and at some point you may wake up and realize you have fallen out of love with him due to his lack of willingness to do what you need to recover. It happened to me so pay close attention to it.
You can do this but you need to be a team. Tell WH he needs to institute NC now! It doesn't matter what the job situation is. He made the mess he needs to figure out a way through it. Or, would he rather sacrifice his family to keep a job?!?
Mindshare
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Last edited by a719; 03/13/09 02:43 PM. Reason: ...
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Sweetie - She is YOUNGER than you? You are still young!
Hope you will check out the emotional needs questionairre because there is much more than sex.
There is physical attractiveness (sounds like you are working on that), admiration, affection, financial support, domestic support, recreational companionship and on and on.
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Last edited by a719; 03/13/09 02:41 PM. Reason: ...
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Get a different screen name pronto.
Him cheating this early and not willing to make himself transparent is him telling you he does not value the marriage enough to take EPs (extreme precautions).
He needs someone to hold him accountable.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Sorry A719....sounds like your WH has made his choice. Unfortunately, he is not choosing his family. He cares more about his privacy the a true O&H marriage with you. Time for you to enforce your boundaries or go on being miserable. Best of luck!
Mindshare
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Well, you don't really have to give up.
It is clear that your hubby is still involved in his affair, and would like to cake eat for awhile longer. So he doesn't want you to get advice from the MB cult.
I suggest you keep working on yourself so you get stronger. You don't have to put up with hubby having a girlfriend.
But no matter what, please know that affairs always end, just because of the selfishness involved. When push comes to shove, the affairees can't trust each other.
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Sounds like none of this matters anymore. He's just called to tell me 1. stop posting all our personal details on this site. 2. that he's "not willing to live like that". He doesn't think full disclosure to his accounts, phone, etc. is a "normal marriage" and won't do it for me. And I know that I can't keep doing all the same stuff and hoping for a different result, so I give up. Move to plan B and consult an attorney about D. What he is giving you now is not a "normal marriage."
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Sounds like none of this matters anymore. He's just called to tell me 1. stop posting all our personal details on this site. 2. that he's "not willing to live like that". He doesn't think full disclosure to his accounts, phone, etc. is a "normal marriage" and won't do it for me. And I know that I can't keep doing all the same stuff and hoping for a different result, so I give up. Yep...he's still in the Affair. AND he's so very wrong. Being totally OPEN AND HONEST is part of a "NORMAL" marriage. Being transparent IS "NORMAL" for a WS to prove that he is no longer having an A and is committed to his Marriage. He doesn't want you on this site because he doesn't want you to learn how to detect and stop his affair....  I say make him leave and PLan B him big time..... :
Me46
FWH42
Married 19 yrs
EA 4/07 - 4/08
(Confirmed by polygraph that it had not gone PA)
Dday1 4/13/08
Dday2 8/8/08
S26
S16
D10
Trying to Recover
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Your H is NOT transparent!
Your H is not Honest & Open!
Your H still works with OW!
Your H is Angry only because he got CAUGHT!
Your H is not repentent!
Your H thinks MB is a cult!
Your H blames MB for your current triggering!
Your H blames his childhood, parents, pressures, job, you, MB and anyone or any thing else he can use as a scapegoat.
ADD IT UP = Still a Wayward!
Either he changes jobs or you should file for a divorce.
I WAS just like your H, I said and did the same crap - and I was as full of bull as he still is!
They say it takes one to know one :crosseyedcrazy:
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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