Monc,

You've got mail...

The problem is my wife is arguing that she just doesn't want to be with me... And is planning to move further away from the OM actually. This is secret intel I've gathered.

So...they are having the long distance affair and she doesn't see it that way. She see's an affair as physical. And she see's me simply attacking her with "exposure" rather than forcing a wedge in the affair because the OM is not physically present.

Ok monc...as a FWW (yes at one time I was) I am gonna say this to you. Fair warning it's gonna be harsh.

If I set my mind frame to that of a WW....I SEE EASY BAIT. I see you wern't a man and would not do anything to fight for me. OM is such a more tempting package.

So until I can get rid of you. I'm gonna get what ever I can from you. And if you tick me off I can tell everyone what a nut job you are since they are my family and will believe me over you.

As long as I get what I want (fulfillment from OM) I am gonna do every under handed thing I can no matter what to secure my future and fantasies.

But your now telling everything to my family and I am gonna throw a tantrum because it is not what I want and you just won't accept defeat.
Now OM is thinking I am more trouble than it's worth because of what you did. But you'll roll over again I can still fix this if I am persistent. For now You've stopped and won't follow through I know you won't. Your a wimp have been for years.....you don't have it in you.

So monc are you gonna let the story take a turn in her favor and let her do damage control?

Honestly Monc if she gets even nuttier....cut your losses. I know it's hard...but some spouses never turn back. My XH had a revenge affair. He is married to his OW now.

Moving on is hard but it can be done. I was your age when it happened to me....now I am with a man I deeply love who loves my son and considers him his son as well. We are due to get married next year. Life after divorce is possible.

An ending is just the start of a new beginng....remember that.

What do I do with threats from her that if I do this I'll never have a chance with her?

Oh wait...she is already saying I don't.

EXACTLY!!! So WHAT exactly do you have to lose by continuing to expose? She keeps saying you're driving a "wedge" between you and her by continuing to expose, but there's ALREADY a wedge between you two big enough to make another Grand Canyon thanks to HER actions!

Keep exposing-like I said a few pages back, even if it doesn't ultimately help save your M, it will let everyone else know WHY your M really ended.

Oh my freakin' G!

Monc, have you read ANYTHING here?!

Do you trust MB or not?

How many places have you read that the WW is going to say "If you do this you'll never have a chance with me?"

Did we NOT tell you she would say this exact thing?

Why did we say that?

Because every WW says the exact same thing!

AND THEN THEY STOP THE AFFAIR!

Because you made it no more fun.

I'm sure your mother is a very wise woman, but how many marriages has she helped recover from an affair?

Dr. Harley has saved thousands. And he recommends exposure until the A has ended.

This is NOT about punishment or revenge.

It is about killing the AFFAIR!

Look Monc, when you called OM's mother and she told her son that she would cut him off if he continued to commit adultery w/ your W, I guarantee you that he told her he would end it immediately.

He then followed it up by telling your WW that IT WAS OVER!!

She begged and pleaded w/ him not to end things and promised him that she would control you.

He has probably reluctantly agreed to keep the A going as long as she keeps you under control.

If you call his mother again, I guarantee you that he will cut things off completely w/ your WW.

THIS IS WHY SHE IS SO FRIGHTENED ABOUT YOU CALLING OM'S MOM AGAIN.

Once the A is over you will have a chance to recover your M.

Your M can survive her anger, but not an on-going affair.

Yes, we know your WW doesn't get it. We know that she doesn't understand what you are really doing here.

We know that she isn't seeing your love for her or getting your true motivations.

We know. We know.

She is EXACTLY like every other wayward.

EXACTLY.

If you're waiting for her to see the truth here before you act, you might as well file for D right now.

She will not see the truth until she establishes NC and gets through w/drawals.

STOP EXPECTING HER TO UNDERSTAND.

And finish this A off by another dose of exposure.

Here's Mr. W's Do's and Don't list...


DOs

1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP

And Pep's Carrot and Stick plan A...

The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick

Thank you Marsh,

Monc,

What Marsh said?

Ditto!

And ditto to Cat, too...

Mark

Monc,

Breathe. you remind me so much of myself it is nearly as painful to read your words as it was today when i re-read mine from months ago when these wise people were telling me to man up, use your anger, and stop worrying about her reactions but rather stand up for what is right.

Dude, I was right where you are a few months ago. I listened to these people...but...i didn't trust enough to act quickly enough!

You have got to stop worrying about her reactions. Kick some a$$. Be angry. Think about what you would advise a good friend who was going through the same thing you are going through.

You would tell him to NOT BE AFRAID!

Right now, i am sorry, i honestly tell you:

You would be better off to do as you are told by people with far more experience and quit thinking on your own. For people on this board who have seen this thousands of times is like a doctor prescribing an antibiotic to someone that is coughing up green junk from their lungs.

It is that predictible. Just do it!

She is lying to you.

If she cared about OM's mother cutting him off/"destroying his life", she'd end the affair.

What she is "scared [censored]" about is that her affair/drug will be taken away from her.

SHE is the one who is willing to risk OM's future to get her fix.

OM is the one who is willing to risk his own future to continue this A.

All you are doing is letting his mom know what's going on.

Why should you keep their secret for them?

Do you owe OM anything?

Hasn't he taken enough from you?

WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO ALLOW THIS AFFAIR TO GO ON FOR ONE MINUTE LONGER?

BTW: The only phone calls my wife doesn't scream at me and hang up on are the ones where we talk about the OM and calling his mom again. She politely asks are we done?

So, she said she would support him if I called his mom again. I'd love to see that... SHe'd get to feel my pain.

Having supported a woman with a college degree for four years and then get left for someone else less bitchy than she is.


She also tried to claim that he doesn't demand her to choose anything or to divorce me. That i"m the one demanding she not see him....what the [censored]?

Well, DUH! That's because she's taking your cue on this one, she's scared to death you're going to ruin her affair! This is the one thing she has to kiss up to you on, because...

it's the only thing you have shown any backbone about.

Man up!

Monc,

The very thing that increases your chances of saving your marriage is the very thing you're most afraid of doing.

Call the mom again and let her know that the affair is ongoing.

You are killing the affair and she's losing it.

Let her lose it.

She will one day look back and understand that you were fighting for her.

<-- Ever the gentleman.

I'm going to call the OM and tell him "last chance". Give him the option to back down.

Monc,

Dude! Get a handle on this ASAP...

A plan is something you can do no matter what she does. You don't guage what you do by what she does, you do what you have to do and ignore what she does.

It isn't what she says or does that dashes your hopes, but what you expect her to do or say.

I have to get up in about 5 1/2 hours and have a crappy cold, so listen to what the rest of these guys are telling you.

Mark

2x4 out.

You're not being a gentleman. You're being an idiot. As others have told you, cowboy up and expose. The OM is scum and you shouldn't waste a second thinking about his well being. He's a liar with no respect for you, your WW or the institution of marriage.

EXPOSE to the world now. Stop this conflict avoidance!!!! You are doing everything you can to lose your WW's respect, not to mention making it harder to recover your M assuming that is your goal.

Personally, I'd expose then D her. You're young and deserve better.

Seriously, what is "2x4 out"?