Pio)))

BigK,

I need ten more posts here. I've been on this page for almost three months. With my injury, now by the time I have scrollwheeled to the bottom of the page, I'm in agony. Sure wish I didn't have to scroll down so far.

One other thought had occurred to me over the weekend. Gemela was really stressed out about a birthday party/sleepover for DD2. Keep in mind this is stress she places entirely on herself. IMO she was very snippy for a couple of days. I know I'm not saying anything new but, when you're not "in love", you tend to be a lot less forgiving and certain things tend to get under your skin more. While I was already not in a great place, my perception of her attitude pushed me further away.

I have observed myself and MANY BHs well into recovery who respond to infirmity badly, with depression and frustration.

It is as though we define ourselves far more by our potency and capability than we have historically.

In my case, squid has always been extremely impatient of me when I have ailed. For example I hurt my wrist at the gym a few years ago, and Squid slated me hourly that I was making a fuss and was trying to get sympathy from her.

It still hurt badly so after a week I went to the hospital. Transpires it was badly broken and required surgery & a screw to fix.... so much for making a fuss.

In her mind a man must be John Wayne, impervious to pain and enfeeblement. Silent in endurance. Strong, ever-prevailing.

It is as though she becomes afraid when I am enfeebled in anyway and manifests this in denial.

Bizarre that she had an affair with a tiny man 14 years my senior then, whom I could destroy physically, but since when has the choice of affair partner been logical ?

So Pio, think on this when you get depressed by your injury. It is a primordial fear within men I think, particularly after being cuckolded. Let your intellect rise you above this.

There is that fear of the silverback that he may eventually lose the challenge.

I still remember gemela in her brief posting here exclaiming how pool boy was so strong. I've never forgotten that and have worked out consistently and added a lot of weight. This injury has been a major setback for me both physically and emotionally - primarily because it has been so long without any real progress.

I will say it makes me feel good when I can beat her at golf one-handed. Yesterday I ran her all over the court in tennis. Thank goodness Jimmy Conner was my role model (he had a one-handed backhand).

Gemela has been very supportive during this time. In a bizarre way, that may fuel the fire. I can see she recognizes this weakness. Apparently she likes strong better. So I do feel more susceptible to an A (hers) at the moment.

Bottom line is that if you don't feel good about yourself, you fear FWS may be thinking the same thing. then the thing starts to spiral downward. We can't always help what we feel.

Pio

I commend you to read " A fighter's heart" by Sam Sheridan. No answers in there for you but a lot of empathy.

And yes, I fear enfeeblement with age. A lot of my identity even before the A was defined by my physicality.

Its crap though. Unhelpful crap.

Pio...

So sorry to hear about your injury and subsequent depression...

Do you think Gemela has gotten to the point in recovery where she sees that the entire reason for her affair was poor boundaries and NOT unmet needs? To the point where she realizes that no matter if you NEVER met another need of hers that she would still never have an affair? Because that is where she needs to be...where EVERY married person needs to be...To understand that your commitment is not only to your spouse, but is really and truly an unbreakable convenant with God (well except for the BS who does have the right to get out of that convenant of course)...and obviously death breaks the covenant as well...

Mr. W and I were working out together the other day and talking about a couple that his parents know...The wife ended up in a coma for several years and eventually the husband began dating...*cringe*...Mr. W said to me, "If that ever happens to me, I wouldn't wish for you to be alone". (or something to that effect)...What I said was, "You must be kidding? I would NOT date." He continued telling me that he'd want me to be happy and on and on...But here's the thing, no matter what Mr. W wanted in that situation, what I've come to know is that my convenant is with God and I must NEVER, EVER violate that again...That even Mr. W doesn't have the right to tell me that I can violate that covenant...That God isn't really all that into what makes us "happy", rather He is much more concerned with our obedience to Him...

Sorry for the ramble, but I think that is where Gemela's mindset needs to get to if it hasn't...Not sure if you guys ever broach topics like that or not, but I think it's important - for both of you...I also think that wisdom was granted to me when I repented...So easy for me to see now that I feel like I was mentally challenged before by not being able to see stuff like this so clearly...

Anyway, just some thoughts...Hope you are feeling better soon...

Mrs. W

pio, would you please forgive my threadjacking for a second:

Dear Mrs W, would you be able to pop into staytogether's thread in Recovery, please? She is the FWW but there is a problem with her H's depression, that might even be bi-polar. I think you might have had experience with a bi-polar relative. Am I building up the issue too much? I hope it's okay to ask you like this.

must be a day for threadjacks....

MrsWondering, I just wanted to say that this is one of the best explainations I have read re. 'how do you know when WS's gets it'

Thank you.

Sure SugarCane, I'll check it out...Sometimes I am not the most effective person at dealing with Bipolar issues because, yes, you were right, my father had Bipolar disorder...I sometimes find myself less objective in those situations because of my experiences...

Mrs. W

Thank you, Vittoria...

Mrs. W

AMEN Vittoria!

And thank you, Mrs. Wondering.

Well at least Mrs. W got me over the page hurdle. Now I'm only two wheel clicks down to the last post - no pain at all.

Thanks for the book suggestion Bob. If it's on Amazon, I'll order it. If it is electronic, maybe I'll get a kindle 2 at the same time. I just needed an excuse.

To answer Mrs. W's question, gemela and I never have any conversations at all about the A. If I even broach the subject, she thinks I'm being jealous. I don't think she gets defensive because she is hiding something (I'm too well trained from experience to see that) but I think her defensiveness may be based in guilt. That is my better guess. In my mind, I have imagined she is in the place you describe so your observation is fascinating.

If I have to worry about her having an(other) A, then she is not the person I want to be with anyway so it has become somehow easy for me to not worry any more. The person I want to be with is the loving, faithful wife so that is how I view her. If that view does turn out to be wrong, I'll eventually find out one way or another. You can't keep secrets forever - and yes some day we will find out who really killed JFK.

I think her visit to the Holy See may have been a personal turning point. I think some of you have mentioned it before and maybe Myrta understood her best but I think a lot of this is cultural. She just needs to watch more Oprah (God forbid!).

While I think there are things she could have done much differently to help me through this, the fact that she hasn't may have made me a stronger person. In other words, I feel like I haven't needed her help to get through this (because she hasn't really offered it).

I'm trying very hard to be objective about gemela at the moment because I have to accept that my perception may be distorted by my own issues. It just continues to remind me how fragile we humans really are.

BTW if you are interested, I googled TFCC yesterday to try to learn more and I saw some pictures. I clicked on the prettiest picture and got

This

Now what is interesting about it is that this is exactly what I was doing when it happened - playing golf. The weird part is that I didn't hit anything when it happened. It happened on a tee shot and it popped during the down swing before I ever came close to the ball. The worst part is that I was two over par at the time and couldn't finish the round.

Okay the book was on Amazon for $4.99 so it is on the way. No electronic version so no Kindle 2 today. I should get the book about March 28th.

Amazon said customers who bought this also bought "Jiu Jitsu University", "Total MMA" and "Blood in the Cage". Hmmm....

LOL pio !

Its a study into WHY men in particular feel the need for combat when in our society it is somewhat anachronistic.

The author spends time studying with adherents of many forms of martial skill all over the world to try to explain his own need to compete as a "silverback".

I have not read those other amazon referenced books, but I can aver that Sam Sheridan's book is well written, non-hysterical and very interesting for a man trying to define his place IME.

Okay Amazon says:


So apparently you and Amazon didn't read the same book.

Just FYI, if you go for the $11.90 version, you discover it IS available on Kindle 2. I guess they thought a cheapskate who would only be willing to pay $4.99 would not be too interested in a Kindle 2 either.

DO'OH!

Bob - is there a reason you didn't recommend "Wild at Heart"?

Another Kindle 2 opportunity?

Amazon says:


Yeah! I want to be dangerous, passionate, alive and free! Good call BigK! Oh! And there's a "field manual" too for only $12.23!!! Okay I know they have some used ones for only $2.69 but I'm betting those have some blood spatters on them. Yeech!

Pretty pricey though at $9.22. I dunno. Bob gives more economical advice.

Okay wait just a tick.

I also found one by Patricia Gifford.


And one by Barry Gifford.


Even at $2.69, I think I'll just wait for that movie to come out on Showtime. Hmmm. 1990? Maybe I already missed it.