You are angry.
Welcome to the muscular end of the depression spectrum.

Being in this angry stage will be very good for you.
Keep your eyes opened for "the lessons".

Don't worry about LBs.
Be real.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Sounds like a guaranteed way to build more resentments.

SSS,

I would say this is the angry phase, big time. Maybe going over LB's tonight isn't such a good idea. Go outside and scream, go for a walk, take a hot bath. Tomorrow book yourself a massage and a pedicure.

I haven't had the crap that you have had, and you certainly win the prize, but everything you write, seems fair.

Maybe it's time to lock up all the sharps in the house.

I wish I had better conversation for you, I haven't had this stage yet.

I say leave it be. NC means no contact for BOTH of you. You are in recovery and need to leave her in your dust and focus on your marriage. Don't stir up anything that might bring her back into your lives.

However... I think it would be wise to keep information on how to contact all potential exposure targets and if GM ever slips again or if OW contacts you and becomes a nuisance... go nuclear with the exposure.

But for now stick to no contact. It really is the best way. Let her fade from your life and your marriage.

You are very normal and you are doing very well. Don't worry about how fast you're supposed to be healing or how much improvement you're supposed to be making or whether or not someone else is going to be unhappy with your attitude.

You have hired THEM to help YOU. It's not up to you to worry about your attitude or how quickly you're progressing. All you need to do is be completely honest with them so they can help you. Just be yourself.

From where I sit, you are amazing.

{{{sss}}}

How ya doin'?

These are two of the reasons that I think he is only giving lip service (and drama) with the "I cannot live without her", stuff. Something is not quite ringing authentic with me.


The boundary isn't for him. Set YOUR boundaries that protect you.

Boundaries do not prevent a person from doing something (his not cheating). Setting a boundary is all about what YOU are going to do when (if) he does cheat.


JMHO
committed

believer, Pepperband, Vittoria, black_raven, turtlehead,

WOW! Really? I can get madder? Not a good thing I think. I have screamed things that would make a longshoreman blush already. My oh my.

I am glad to know that the progression is OK and normal. I still can't clear my mind. I can read all day and not retain much and that is so unlike me. Believer, it took a year to feel somewhat normal? I am about half way through so I will keep plugging away at it.

Seriously, there is an anger phase that I have not hit yet? I had better stay on my B/P meds then or I WILL burst an artery. Poor GM, not that he does not deserve everything coming his way but still............The sharps are going away as well as the guns. J/King of course. I may use my mouth and much to my shock I slugged him in the shoulder once when he was not getting it but I think that is about as far as I can go with that.

I will pay attention to the lessons Pepperband. They are hard won aren't they? So far my lessons are about me. They are good even though painful at times.

Vittoria, I have not followed your thread and I am sorry about that. I really appreciate you and what you say. Thank you and I am sorry I have been increasingly self absorbed.

I will let go of poking OW. Oh how I would love to. I would probably have to go testify or something and I do not want to meet her again. Once, even though I did not know what was going on but GM thought it fun to introduce us, was enough. Thanks turtlehead for your advice, you are correct. I guess I will just have to wait for the time I see her crossing the street in front of my truck.

Is this the 6 month thing coming with the anger? I do not recall reading about it in the articles or SAA just here. Is there a particular thing I should/could read about this?

Pepperband, I am OK today. In fact I do feel a little better for some reason. I was awakened by GM talking in his sleep again, more DirtBag Rutting I fear. Perhaps he needs an exorcist? He does not remember having dreams like this, he says anyway. Still, today seems calmer thankfully.

Thank you all for talking to me about this mess. I really need it and there it is

Hi committed!


I think we are getting there. I really do. It has been hard as everything in his life has always been about him. You could have a car wreck and end up in the ER talking about his car wreck 12 years ago while getting your leg set. It is beginning to get better little by little. Drama? Drama is how he does is all! I don't know if that will ever change much, it is how he was raised. Seriously, never did a one of them ever have anything less than a marvelous or the best of anything. Or the worst, so there it is. Gotta learn to live with a bit of that.


Perhaps it is the way I said it but yes I do know that. Maybe not as soundly as I should. He knows what happens if he crosses the boundary and he does know it is for my own protection and because I refuse to budge for my own happiness in this life. I have more to set but they are coming slowly as I realize just how much I need to protect against.

Thank you. I appreciate people telling me what they are seeing with him. It is difficult this close in sometimes.

black_raven {{{{hugs}}}} back atcha!

SSS,

I had never raised my voice to tst pre-affair. I rarely get angry and lose my cool.

tst tells me that I stood on the bed and SCREAMED at him during one of our affair-details talks. I have absolutely no memory of this. I was clearly out of my mind, and I think he knew it. He says it totally freaked him out (because it was SOOOOOOO out of character for me).

Pre-affair, I could not have imagined I could lose my head like that.

I have lost control and yelled at him a bit since then. But I think more often I've done the "I-could-kill-you eyes at him" when I'm angry.

Yes, there's more anger to come. Sorry.

Well hello SMB!

No, I do not want to hear that but it is necessary that I do so thank you.

tst has been so much help to us. I just wanted to tell you that. I stay out of GM's thread but he tells me about it all. Could you pass that along to tst for me?

I look to the two of you since you are both here and post and I can see first hand how you work together. It is apparent even when I read from different threads how well this is working for the two of you. I see how it is done first hand and think to myself that GM and I could do this too if we just stay committed to doing it.

I will warn GM so he will be ready. He gets too wrapped up in my emotions and he needs to stay strong for me and also for himself.

Thanks.

Hi Sadsosad--we're back and it was a very nice trip--visited some family and had some nice walks in the beautiful weather.

I hope you have a productive MB weekend. It really sounds like the best thing for you two. Maybe you guys will even have a chance to go have some fun and get away from all this serious stuff! Take care and good luck!

I'm thinking about you and GM - knowing you are at the MB weekend.

I hope you two had a ton of make up sex (I can't believe I just wrote that).

Ummmmmm

Make up for lost time.
Make up for lost love.
Make up for found love.
Make up for making up.
Make up for whatever..........

*GASP* I can't believe I just wrote that!

A couple has to eat so we are up for lunch.

Talk to you later..........................maybe

BTW, I spent hours last night having the most enjoyable and therapeutic conversation with two other MBers, especially the wife. I don't know if they said they were coming so I will not say who, they can if they want. She and I went up to the room and laid it out, laughed and cried and told our stories. She is so wise and her FWH has sent GM into internal places I never thought he would ever visit. It was wonderful, they are wonderful and this entire MB weekend, although hard, has been wonderful.

Going to lunch maybe, he is looking at me with that funny look that I have not seen for such a long time.

carry on ....

PS - I am so pleased for both of you.
I know I am not GM's favorite MB'er (I pushed him HARD and with gusto more than once)- but I am praying your marriage becomes the biggest testament to the MB methods - EVER!

I showed him your post. He laughed. He says to tell you that he has a lot of respect for you and no hard feelings. We both feel that when we get mad at what someone is saying there is probably a very good reason to pay attention to it. You know how hard this is. EVERYTHING is important enough to consider. He is having a difficult time dealing with what he did to me and also how he messed himself up. We are both learning and he is trying his best to think of me first and heal me. For him that is a large task but he seems up to it finally.

I have decided my path now. Judging GM as one who knows the good and the bad of the man I am going to take a guarded chance with him. He seems as remorseful as a person can be and sincere. He is working at this to the point that often when I am down he has to drag me back into the program. He is beginning to learn to care for me as his wife, as someone important to him. His independent behavior is gone, I clipped his wings but only after he stood there and asked me to. I understand what it means to be married to a chronic and very good liar. I understand that his commitment might be a ruse. I understand he is a serial cheater and that he may as well have locked me in a cage for 26 years, I had not a clue what the truth of my life was. It sucks and it hurts BUT I also understand that after this I will never ever get involved again. I am not afraid to be alone, I have learned to live that way and rather like it but if given the choice to make this work or be alone I choose to try make it work. My eyes are open, my heart is guarded but I do believe GM will do this. I know many if not most will think I am nuts. Well, you will not be the first

MB weekend was wonderful. Steve worked really hard with us to get us to the point that we would be able to use the information. GM had several revelations (sounds like a church meeting). We each have a plan with Steve, GM is working his plan like it was the key to his next breath. If we stick with that and follow the lessons Dr. Harley has set before us we will be OK. This should be taught to everyone getting married. We bought each of our 20+ year old sons the book I Promise You in hopes that they will never go through what we are going through. I feel like I can make my life work now, I won't have to carry the weight of a marriage all alone and I know what is going on for the first time. The good man that I saw with everyone else has reached out to me finally. He knows his boundaries now and he knows that they are there to protect me (thanks to all of you who have been trying to get me to understand that) and not cage him.

Besides, I am married finally and having a great time!

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