Good morning. 2x4 - whacking you up side the head with a 2x4 to knock some sense into you...

Monc,

Get any sleep last night?

You don't need to call OM about anything. You don't want to call him regarding exposure at all.

But if you want to contact him, do it quickly and with a specific message in mind. That message needs to be that you love your wife and you are willing to do whatever it takes to save your marriage. Then ask if he is as willing to fight for YOUR wife as you are. Tell him to leave your wife alone...

Then hang the he77 up! Do NOT debate, threaten, call him names or in any other way try to engage him. He is not your friend, has no rights in your marriage and is NOT an innocent bystander in this affair.

Exposure is NOT a negotiating tool. It is a weapon, the most effective one a BS has in his/her cache of weapons (can't believe the PC filter stops the word used to describe a selection of weapons! ). It creates stress and tension in the affair. It causes conflict between the affair partners. It brings the light of day into focus in the midst of the darkness of secrecy where affairs live and thrive.

If you think about all the silly old vampire movies and TV shows, there was one thing all the vampires feared most of all and that was being hit by the one thing that would surely kill them, sunlight. So they skulked about in the dead of night, avoiding any possibility of seeing daylight since it would kill them instantly if they were exposed to it. Of course everybody always looked for that magic bullet, silver bullet or right kind of stake to drive through their hearts and lived in fear that the vampires would get them.

Truth is like daylight to an affair. It is deadly to an affair because it is the one thing that the affair cannot tolerate, since an affair can only exist in secrecy. And everybody (95% in the latest surveys) believe an affair is wrong so when they find out someone they know is having one, they are suddenly faced with the reality that the person they care about is something they themselves detest.

When you expose an affair to those who care about the infidel, you are making those people uncomfortable. They don't like being told that their loved one is doing something so detestable. Their belief system is being challenged...

But they still know the truth and it is the truth that will destroy the affair in the long run, whether the infidel returns to the marriage or not, it is still certain death to the affair. This is because when it is no longer a secret, it can't be called by any name other than an affair. It is no longer a friendship, a relationship or a person you care about but a cheating, adulterous, unfaithful action.

Vampires feed at night because they can't survive in daylight. Affairs thrive and live in secrecy because they can't survive illuminated by reality and truth.

As a BS you have very little chance of recovering your marriage. Even if you do everything right and get another chance to work at it, you might never be able to get your marriage to a place where you and your WS can both be happy with it. You have very few weapons to use against the enemy, which is the affair (not your WS, not OM/OW) but the one thing you do have is the sunlight of exposure and truth.

Mark

I've already done everything the wrong way...

Monc

Still crying like a little girl. Man up and follow the advice you have been given.

Monc,

Have heart. No one has said this will be easy. You will make mistakes. We all did. We all made big ones.

But we're talking to you from the perspective of having already made those mistakes.

Will be sending out an exposure letter pending how my WW reacts to my current pair of people wanting to talk to her. Monday Night most likely.

I want to do it sooner, but they are on board and understand that I must do what I must do if she does not tell them the truth.

My WW is telling everyone I'm being crazy, acting like a stalker, and making threats if she doesn't work things out with me.

Oddly, I found she is telling friends this. Not relatives much.

This is pretty standard. That's why it's important to expose to everyone right up front and let them know ahead of time that she's cheating so they hear both sides of things, but you have your evidence to show the truth.

She's going to continue to do and say crazy stuff. Nothing should surprise you. You've been forewarned here that she's going to get nuttier and nuttier because you're making her life difficult and the affair difficult.

If anyone asks you, you simply stick to the story, "My wife is having an affair and I'm doing what I need to do to save my marriage and end her affair. Your support would be appreciated."

BTW: It's a [censored] to focus on life while trying to save my marriage from a psycho.

Friends are pissed at my lack of apartment hunting and damn xanax is making me half arsed. Told them barely enough information and now not only am I dealing with my wife but the generous friends are biting my heels now as well for omission...which I agree with them was lying. I didn't tell the entire story as I should have. The irony is I was trying to not just wave them off and say that I did nothing at all...and telling them I did anything upset them.

This same issue is a pain when trying to talk to my wife. I just can't get my information straight.

Tell everyone to whom you expose the entire, unvarnished truth. Same with your wife. If you always stick to the facts you'll never have to worry about keeping your information straight.

warning the OM is NOT being a gentleman its being ... frankly ... foolish.

WHY??? because of something like this maybe ??????

OM to Mum - Mum that crazy H of my EX girlfriend... because mum I really didn't know she was married until he rang you.... rang me again and told me to leave her alone... but I have already mum after you told me to.... that guy is CRAZY he's a nut case... I did the right thing mum like you told me too ... mum you are so wise I nearly messed up big time mum ... but you saved me ... etc etc ... mum I even heard he abuses her ... pee in mums pocket a bit more ..."

Mum to OM - "Ok dear as long as you have learned. Don't worry I'll protect you from that nut case."

Mum to you - YOU ARE A NUT CASE.. NEVER RING HERE AGAIN OR ELSE I'll HAVE THE POLICE ONTO YOU - ABUSER!!!

That's the sort of phone conversation that you will get after warning him.

Monc I am a FWW and this how the real world works in this crap. Your WW REALLY believes all her lies. So does OM.
Your wife only lies when she speaks. Yet you hang onto every word she utters. I understand your desperation to have your WIFE back but you need to ignore her madness while she is a ww... I was a mad woman as well while a ww. AND a fantastic liar.

You really need to follow the advice you have been given... your M is already all but down the tubes anyway... AVOIDANCE of conflict = divorce on your WW terms.

You're a good avoider. Its a habit your ww has trained you in since you both got engaged and REINFORCED from your wedding day.
YOU need to change as much as she does.

START NOW... FOLLOW THE ADVICE YOU ARE BEING GIVEN BY THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN THERE DONE THAT.!!!

You keep finding new ways to be a weasel. Weaseling your way out of exposing, pending this or that.

Monc,

How did things go this morning with your appointment?

Missed the appointment time. So I'm begging them to refund the late fee but I have one for tomorrow morning 6am again.

She wants to meet up and talk our separation today but I'm going to tell her no thanks. I'm not interested in talking about that today.

I'm going to draft a Plan B letter and have it in my back pocket and if she doesn't remotely give me the impression that a long distance Plan A will still be workable, I'm handing her the letter.

I've decided that I'm telling her that many different people know about the affair and that includes her parents. Just her knowing her parents know will be massive.

Them knowing matters more than anything, but they didn't confront her.

From what I've seen you've not done much in the way of showing her your M would be better if she returned. You move to Plan B now, you are dooming yourself to Plan D...perhaps what you want.

You show her consistent action you can fulfill her EN's, show her a better H, THEN move to Plan B, you run a better chance of her return.

And you have to SHOW her, not Tell her....

Monc,

Get ready!

Hang on!

Here it comes!


:twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour:


WTF?

Exposure is not a negotiating tool. It is not something that you toss out as a way of trying to force her to change er mind,

Whay would she want to stay married to you, Monc? That is what you have yet to get. You have to be able to offer her something BETTER than OM or being alone. You do that by:

(All together now)

1) Meet her ENs as much as she allows
2) Avoid Love Busters
3) Have no expectations when it comes to the way she will react at any given moment in time.

# 1 deposits into her Love Bank
# 2 prevents unnecessary withdrawals from her Love Bank
# 3 protects you from having your hopes destroyed when she doesn't react the way you expect her to.

You really have very little time to get this concept down. You can't fix her or the affair and you can't fix the marriage right now. All you can fix is YOU. So work on YOU. Make YOU the best YOU that YOU can be. Make Monc the man of her dreams, the one she can't live without.

I hear the argument already, so spare me...

I didn't tell you to make her understand anything or to get her to react the way you want her to or to get her to stop telling you she hates you...

I said to fix YOU and make YOU a better YOU!

You're running out of time here my friend! Quit feeling sorry for yourself and start fighting for your marriage and your wife or just let her go.

Just so you know, if you went to Plan B today, she would have no good memories to make her consider coming back when the affair is dead, which it will be eventually. You're still trying to get her to come home on your terms and she is not willing to make any concessions right now. But if you SHOW her that you can be the man of her dreams, she MIGHT be willing to consider staying.

:twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: (My arm is getting tired. Somebody help me out here...) :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour:

I'm going to quote the Joker and show what a nerd I am.

What happened? Did your b@lls drop off? Man up and follow the plan if you want your wife to come back to you.

Plan A does not mean

Pleasing
Loco
Adulterer
No matter what

A.

Plan A is, condensed, comprised of two things:

1. Show your WS what he or she will miss when/if you go to Plan B. Fulfill ENs, etc.
2. Expose like h311.

Sad thing mark...

It's taken me months to realize I need to fix me... And work on me. And just endure that the affair would continue and that it wouldn't just END immediately.

The fact that there was someone else in her heart destroyed me and drove me crazy. And now I've beaten the [censored] out of my chances because she won't even talk to me without yelling.

I am essentially moved out now, my own apartment, and her telling me she wants to file in a week's time.

She fed me some lines about being afraid that I'd hurt myself, or let my job go to [censored], or do something crazy.

I didn't say it, but I was just stumped. I couldn't speak and could only glare and fume as she wanted to quite talking I was thinking, why do you care?! If you really don't love me why do you care what divorcing me will do?!

And talking to my friends I'm realizing just how selfish she has been our whole marriage. I went along with ALL of her past times. Movies, opera's, shows, plays, etc. I rarely forced my tastes or wants. The only want I ever exercised was playing video games a great deal which I often asked her to join me in, but she only put up a token effort in all the five years we've been dating/engaged/married.

And now she calls me a child constantly and belittles me and says crap about my computer being my mistress... She had an affair because she was threatened by a machine? How low can your self esteem be? This is all stuff I'm thinking but can't say to her because I've already LB'ed my [censored] into the ground yelling over and over about the affair at her.

And not getting to meet any EN's at all pretty much ensured her Lovebank just plummeted.

I really don't know how to talk to her. She is just certain she is done with me and doesn't want me.

I feel I may be addicted to video gaming in terms of managing my time and lifestyle. So having told her this belief(which she reinforces by saying I spent all my time on my computer), I made an effort to show her my desire to change for the better.

So went over to her place. I came up to "her" apartment door to talk to her and she was crying on the phone talking to her friend. I tried to give her my video card to smash as a token and a letter to read but she just wouldn't do it. As much as I wanted her to get something from it, I think she didn't want to do it because it would be a "commitment" towards me. Something to repair this. She yelled at me and told me that if I wanted to deal with my "addiction" I should do it myself and not put the responsibility on her. And that I should grow a pair and do it myself.

She is just utterly angry. And thinks I want her to do everything for me. Hell, she even went so far to say that she has to get a divorce because I won't do it.

I am glad I exposed to her father and mother and the OM's mother.
I wish I had just gone balls out and told both her brothers too. I was just so broken and her mother begging me not to keep going just stopped my rush.

Oh yea, she just found out that her parents know and told me that drained all the last bits of love she had for me.

But...then as we're leaving a divorce discussion which I failed to avoid she told me she just wants to be friends, maybe not right away. I seem to walk into them all and just start talking it with her. I'm so eager to please her it's sad. Anyway, Mark told me on the phone "babble" and I was like...damn it!

We'll see. It's scary because my wife is someone who tends to do what she say's she will.

Some are saying I should file first for advantage. The first to strike the blow tends to be the last one standing they say.