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I was getting ready for work when I looked out the window and saw the utility company starting to erect a pole in front of my house. They were going to position it directly in front of my picture window. No way, absolutely no way, was I going to permit this. I gulped down my coffee and went directly to the crew supervisor and told him, in no uncertain terms, that I was not going to stand for his crew putting that stupid electrical pole directly in front of my picture window.

He took out a plot map, a map for pole locations and a right of way document. He went on to explain that the chosen location was the best spot for the pole. I told him it was not the best location for me and that when I came home from work that day I certainly did not expect to see that pole in front of my window.

He asked where I did want them to put it and I told him I didn't give a hoot, as long as it was not in front of my window. I felt pretty smug as I drove off to work because I felt I got my point across. I knew he was afraid to put it there now.

Ah, the feeling of power; at least until I got home and found the pole in the middle of my driveway.


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A man sat down on a plane next to a little girl. He asked the little girl "what do you think about the new economic stimulus package? I think that Obama is way off base and he is only going to bring further financial ruin to our country."

The little girl looked at him and said "let me ask you this. A horse, a cow, and a sheep all eat the same kind of food right, grass. But sheep poops out little pellets, the cow poops out big flat patties, and the horse poops out segmented poops. Why is that?

The man looked at her for a minute and said "I really don't know"

The little girl then replied, "well, do you really think your qualified to discuss the state of our countries economics when you clearly don't know s*$t"

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The Polite Way To Pee
>
> During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach
> good manners, asked
> her students the following question:
>
> 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a
> nice young lady, how
> would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
>
> Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
>
> The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be
> rude and impolite. What
> about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
>
> Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to
> the bathroom,
> I'll be right back.'
>
> 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to
> say the word
> bathroom at the dinner
> table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your
> brain
> for once and show us your good manners?'
>
> 'I would say Darling, may I please be excused for
> a moment? I have to
> shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to
> introduce you to
> after dinner.'
>
> The teacher fainted.
>
>

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Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is NEVER putting it in a fruit salad.


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LETTER TO THE BANK

Dear Sirs,

One of my checks was returned marked "insufficient funds." In view of current developments in the banking industry, does that refer to me or to you?

Sincerely,
Your customer


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An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter offensive tactics. That summer, the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes. Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition to counter this danger, as several men had already been bitten.

So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.

The next day, the post commander entered his office and spotted a shoe box on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note. The note said, "I missed!"


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What did one fly say to the other when he noticed his pants weren't zipped?






Hey, Fly, your dude is open!

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Did you hear about the zoo that had to hire a psychiatrist for the polar bears?







Yes, they were bipolar.

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A psychiatrist walks into a room where two new patients have been admitted. One was on the floor pretending like he was sawing wood and hammering nails. The shrink introduces himself and asks him what he's doing. Oh, I'm building a house! By the way, I'm not crazy and I don't belong here. My roommate's the crazy one!

The psychiatrist looked over and asked about his roommate. What's his deal? The roommate was hanging upside down from a rafter. Oh, him? He's my bud. He's crazy though because he thinks he's a lightbulb.

The psychiatrist says, well his face is turning really red, don't you think you should ask him to get down?

No way! Who can build a house in the dark?


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup, the doctor said, "You have a cute baby."

Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents."

"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really cute."

"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.

"He looks just like you."


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PERKS OF REACHING 50 OR BEING OVER 60 AND HEADING TOWARDS 70

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.


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Security and peace of mind were part of the reason we moved to a gated community. Both flew out the window the night I called a local pizza shop for a delivery.

"I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza, please," I said, then gave him the address of our condominium.

"We'll be there in about half an hour," the kid at the other end replied. "Your gate code is still 1238, right?"


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Dyslexics of the world untie!

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Be alert. We need more lerts!

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mad I was NOT laughing at the 'outage' of the boards....and I am NOT laughing that the ROTFLMAO smiley is gone! mad

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A visiting minister was very long-winded. Worse, every time he would make a good point during his sermon and a member of the congregation responded with "Amen" or "That's right, preacher" he would get wound up even more and launch into another lengthy discourse.

Finally, the host pastor started responding to every few sentences with "Amen, Pharaoh!" The guest minister wasn't sure what that meant, but after several more "Amen, Pharaohs" he finally concluded his very lengthy sermon.

After the service concluded and the congregation had left, the visiting minister turned to his host and asked, "What exactly did you mean when you said "Amen, Pharaoh?"

His host replied, "I was telling you to let my people go!"


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Saw these at a t-shirt shop made me think of waywards.

"I would engage you in a battle of wits but you appear to be unarmed."

"I am trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my own a$$."

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Up there in the tropical waters of North Queensland , two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One was called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,
he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

'Where's Christian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set
off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy,
and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'........




'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian'


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rotflmao

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good grief


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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