Drop the games. Don't talk about it. And yeah, the games is an addiction which can be neglect of her from your part. Fix your marriage - quietly.

However she does need to learn to communicate her problems. And you do need to listen.

Why do you want to listen to her mother about stopping the spread of news. What qualification does she have? Do what you got to do?

Listen, you never talk to her about divorce - ever. You talk about rebuilding your marriage. Divorce is managed by your lawyer.

Your addiction to video games has been obvious since your first posts. I believe Dr. Harley says it is impossible to treat the affair until the addiction is addressed first. In this case, the addiction is yours. When your WW was yelling at you through the door, what she said was pretty true. Your addiction is your problem to deal with. There is no way to recover your M until you face this addiction.

Your trying to hand her the card is like the crack addict telling her to flush the bag down the toilet. She knows you can get more. How many alcoholics have sworn "this" was their last drink? I think you have two different dynamics at work here and you are only focused on one. I suspect the addiction did play a large part in the A. When you went on vacation with Ww, even when you weren't playing games, you were reading books about games. If the A hadn't come along, you would still be happily playing games (and probably still do to console yourself and help ease the pain).

Whether you have any hope of saving this M or, failing that, having a successful M in the future, all hinges on your dealing with your addiction.

I just moved into my new apartment and unpacked a lot of stuff yesterday. And felt calm...but desperate. This place could be where I end up alone.

The first time I've played just to console myself was actually last night, but again with friends and they suggested it first. After she first said she didn't love me I wiped every game off my computer except World of Warcraft. I didn't because at the time it just got billed(reoccurring.). And I've only logged five hours a week. That is 1/4 to 1/6th the time I'd log average in the past. I think it should be next on the chopping block. My WW told me that I shouldn't remove all of my gaming. That going cold turkey would be bad and that gaming is a part of me. I wonder if she said that for ulterior reasons?

I think it’s my last step. Destroying a video card is stupid and costs money, but discarding my games isn’t. And… In the back of my mind I just recalled thinking,” I can always use this destruction as an opportunity to upgrade.” Grabbing another bottle at the store after smashing the previous one on the WW’s doorstep to prove myself? Yup.

Damn… I was just thinking about how often I previously thought about gaming… Endlessly. Also looked up game addiction. It described me somewhat. I was often aloof because I was more interested in thinking about gaming. And now I can’t stop thinking about my WW and how much I want her back in my life. It hurts me that she tells me that it’s too late. That we’re done. I’m just scared to see divorce papers by next week. Especially for all I’ve worked to change.

20 to 30 hours per week is more free time than I have (take away work and sleep). Obviously you didn't have much extra to devote to WW. And she noticed. And when you weren't actually playing, you were reading about it or building computers to enable it or thinking and dreaming about it. Dr. Harley recommends 15.5 hrs/wk with the spouse. You ain't got it to give.

You need some serious counseling. You cannot have an addiction like this and expect to have a family. I suspect you are done for the moment. But how can you grow and learn from this?

I have heard that WoW is highly addictive as well. Interesting you couldn't let yourself wipe that one too. Just in case you need a late night fix you'll be all hooked up.

When WW said you were having an A with your computer, she was right. So you left the M long before she did.

Ouch... Piojitos.

Here I was learning to put the blaim on her and to stop blaiming myself and then that.

I did leave the marriage long before this affair. That's why she say's all five years of our relationship. Except... Every time I talked to her about gaming too much and reducing it she discouraged me. She said don't quite gaming... She never suggested I reduce how much I play or anything.

Just like now. I said I'm quiting and she again discouraged me from quiting.

If you learn about the dynamics of relationships and addiction, you'll find that she's an enabler for a reason - and she will carry that problem into her next relationship.

You have an opportunity to deal with your intimacy issues (addiction is typically a way to avoid having a real close relationship). Figure out who you are - independent of WoW (btw, I've personally seen that game destroy a young man all of 18 yrs old - ruin his opportunities for education and relationships and shamed him to his family - Asian boy - so ultimate dishonor there).

Find out who you really want to be as a man, as a husband, as a father, as a brother.... And then learn what it takes to be that person.

Conflict avoidance is a hallmark of what I've read on your thread - and you've placed responsibility for your addiction recovery on another addict and intimacy avoider.

Step into a conflict where you don't know the outcome - take a risk and do the right thing instead of trying to figure out the most painless way to yank the bandaid off.

It's gonna hurt, right? You can't stop that. You're going to hurt regardless of what happens. So get WoW off the machine now. Clean up. get a sponsor (not your wife) to hold you accountable to use the 20 to 30 hours you've normally spent gaming to do some good and make a difference!

Or get a second job and pay down some debt, build up some savings. But make that time productive!

MMO(Massively-Multiplayer-Online) Gaming is addictive. Safe, achievement based rewards, with no real threat from failure.

Pretty addictive compaired to the damage failure causes in real life.

It's empty though. Utterly devoid of value other than entertainnment.

So, I moved out and took a Futon for my bed...and was thinking of going back and getting MY bed from before our wedding and putting that in my house. The reason is that she will only have a couch to sleep on at this point. And she'll be pissed.

Although I'm afraid of poking a tiger ready to divorce me. She said I had no balls. Well...when she wonders where the bed is I can reply,"I'm making OUR new home as wonderful as possible. If you would like the bed you can join me here in OUR new residence.

Wouldn't making my NEW home better for her be reason? And a way to show her some impact from her actions?

How do I address her enabling?

I'm uncertain why she would enable me?

Her enabling is none of your business - just don't set her up to have to enable you anymore. You don't try to educate a wayward - rule#1 of recovery.

As far as the bed goes, do the right thing - not to poke a bees nest or something. You don't go picking fights. But you don't avoid conflict. If the bed was yours before the marriage and the OM hasn't been in it, then I'd go get it. But that's me.

Pick up a copy of the "big book" for Alcoholics Anonymous - replace the word "alcohol" with "gaming" and you'll get started on your recovery.

The OM was in it...but it's my damn bed. And I've had sex with her in it 99% of our marriage. The sentimental value far exceeds the burn.

I'm actually bothered by the possibility of MORE sex in my bed later on.

This(?) KaylayAndy: http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

Monc,

You can game in a healthy way. I use to do it much more than I do now. I don't go so far as to call it an addiction. It's a hobby that can be overdone as much as any hobby out there.

But you do have to have a conscious thought to the time you spend on it versus being with your wife. i was lucky and married a woman who enjoyed playing games with me. She and I use to play together and had good times doing so.

I also played whenever she was out running errands or shopping or sleeping.

I limited it to those times when she wasn't around and tried to play less when she was around.

I'm divorced and single now and play on my computer more than anything, but I have a girlfriend and am able to put the games away to spend time with her and I have a real balance in my life.

You have your work cutout for you because you're now living apart.

I hate to tell you, but there is zero reason for her to interact with you in any way. You have no children together. So there is nothing which encourages her to interact with you at all and no "family" to restore.

Monc, seriously, this is over. Time to act like it's over. Could it turn around before all your feelings for her are gone? Possibly, but not likely. She's doing another man and isn't living with you.

Finally, the bed thing is a pride thing. If she brought another man into it then it needs to be thrown out. I don't care how much sex you had with her in it.

It's like spending many hours preparing an awesome meal. Once it drops on the floor it's done. You don't pick it up to eat it because it's dirty now. Same with your marital bed. I couldn't lay in it knowing another man has been in there. It was a sacred place that she desecrated.

So start over and let this cheater go. It's over and you need to accept that. There is NOTHING to entice her to return.

Yea, actually I recall not being able to sleep in it because of that fact. I had gone to the couch but being distant from her overpowered that and I slept next to her anyway.

I think it would be the same feeling now only she wouldn't be present to overpower the sickening pain.

Baron, as I've been told. It's not over until it's over. I'm fighting as I've been fighting.

I'm not done until the Marriage License is no longer worth the ink that's written on it.

If you do get the bed back, which is not worth it in my opinion, just take and burn it.

The blessing in all this is you get to get away from that nasty selfish lying cheater BEFORE bringing children into her mess.

YAY! Be happy you are getting out of a lifetime of heartache. Now you have a chance at a good life, once you get over the destruction and bad feelings she has wrought upon you.

Well, that happened the "SECOND" she slept with the OM.

Baron is giving it to you STRAIGHT ... whether you have the maturity to recognize "good" advice is yet to be determined.

It is sad that I am the one fighting hardest for us...when she claims to have been fighting the previous months between August and December... Such molarchy.

Seriously, I heard his advice. It is good advice. It prepairs me for the inevitable truth. Simply that I choose to have hope does not mean I'm foolish or lacking maturity.

Saying that it happened the second she slept with the OM would say that I should have divorced her on the spot instead of trying.

Which did you want of me? To try and have a backbone or be a whimp and give in to please my WW so she can have her affair easily and without conflict?

I would most definitely do this! Anything you can do to keep showing her that it is her mistakes that are causing all the trouble, not you!

And the more you stand up to her, the more likely she is to want you.

Look ... you can twist mine (and others) words to justify whatever you wish ... I'm not going to waste much time on someone who only wants to use this forum to whine and commiserate, while ingoring the collective WISDOM of those who have MUCH more experience than you.

You have chosen to INGORE certain facts, but they are the FACTS nonetheless.

It takes TWO to get married, but only ONE to split up ... its not fair, and it sucks to be on your side of it ... but those are the FACTS.

Another FACT ... the SECOND she slept with the OM, she UNILATERALLY, BY HERSELF ... ended the M you had before. Your marriage license, vows, commitments, etc. became IMMEDIATELY WORTHLESS.

Now you can recover a M, "IF" BOTH parties are willing, but here's that FACT from above coming back to bite you ... she can end this M all on her own, and in effect, SHE HAS!!!

Now you can "man up" and move on with your life, or you can continue to humiliate yourself by hanging around as her doormat ... YOU MAKE THE CALL!!!