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drgnfly Offline OP
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A couple months ago Skald gave me his list of EP's. Lately I've been thinking about starting my own list of EP's. I don't believe only WS's should have to write these out - BS's should too. In fact, they should be a detailed part of our wedding vows and not just "implied". Obviously "implied" isn't good enough. Unfortunately we weren't informed of the importance of EP's when we married. Heck, most of us had not even heard the term Extraordinary Precautions until we came here because of our WS's affair.

I know some people will say that they don't have to fill out EP's because they would NEVER have an A - they know better and are smarter/stronger than that. You know what? I used to hear that ALL THE TIME from Skald for years before his A. He hated people that had affairs with a passion and believed they were weak and the scum of the earth. He had such strong convictions regarding A's that not one person that knew him believed he would EVER have an A. Dr. Harley states that those that believe they could never have an A are the most vulnerable.

Dr. Harley and Joyce have never been through an A, but he said that right at the beginning he made HIS list of EP's because he knew that HE is vulnerable to an A. We are all wired for A's.

Besides, this isn't about who's going to have an A or not. It's about taking all steps to protect our marriages.

So how many other BS's are going to take that step to protect our marriages and write their list of EP's??


BW-31
FWH-32(skald)
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"To Err is Human. To Arr is Pirate."
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Flick actually said the same thing when he wrote his EP's.(BS's should have them as well as WS's) I haven't written any myself, mostly because we forgot about them, but maybe I should bring it up with him.

I know I could easily have an A, and in fact part of what shocked me on D-day, was that I always thought it would be me that left, not him.

Quote
Besides, this isn't about who's going to have an A or not. It's about taking all steps to protect our marriages


Amen. Please post yours so I can get an idea,
thanx


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drgnfly Offline OP
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I don't have mine completed yet, but once I do I will post them.

Skald always believed I would be the one to leave. crazy


BW-31
FWH-32(skald)
DD-5
In Recovery
"Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

"To Err is Human. To Arr is Pirate."
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I need to write one for my FWH as he can't seem to figure them out on his own.

Me personally i have never written them but i practice them on a daily basis and they are natural to me and have been since the day i met my FWH. To me EPs are just common sense and like "The Golden Rule". You have to think about how everything you do or say will effect the others in your life.

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drgnfly Offline OP
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You are writing them FOR your FWH?? These should be something he writes himself as a commitment to the M. TST really helped my FWH with them. In fact you can find an example of TST's and Skald's here on the forums.

You expect your FWH to make the commitment and write them out, but you don't need to??

Did you believe that your FWH followed the EP's right from when you met? You probably believed he did, but he still strayed. Do you understand we are ALL vulnerable to an A? Especially if you are convinced that it could never happen.

Yes, I follow them and believe they are like the "Golden Rule", but I don't consider myself exempt from filling them out as a commitment to my M and taking every step I can. Like I said before, even Dr. Harley made his list.

Maybe instead of filling them out for FWH, you should lead by example and do yours.


BW-31
FWH-32(skald)
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"To Err is Human. To Arr is Pirate."
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No i am not writing them down for my FWH, i said i need to because he does not feel the need for EPs. And no he has never followed EPs EVER!!!

And i am not trying to knock Dr Harley at all, his website saved me. I do NOT however believe that we are all wired for affairs like he states.

I have ALWAYS followed EPs naturally. I do not talk to men about personal things PERIOD, i would not give a man a ride home, i would not go out to lunch with a man, i do not do girls nights out, i could keep going but i think you get the drift.

In the 25 years i have been with my H i have NEVER found myself in a situation where i could have had an affair. I avoid the situations altogether. Always have, always will and i feel EPs are just common sense like the golden rule.

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drgnfly Offline OP
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I disagree, and hope you are never in a situation that makes you regret your current opinion.

Best wishes for your M.


BW-31
FWH-32(skald)
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"To Err is Human. To Arr is Pirate."
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Well that is fine, a lot of other MBers disagree with me as well, but i believe that we can just agree to disagree can't we?

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Originally Posted by drgnfly
I disagree, and hope you are never in a situation that makes you regret your current opinion.

Best wishes for your M.

And i have found that it is pretty easy to just avoid situations where i am alone with a man (besides my H) for the past 25 years. And believe me very little of my ENs have been met by my FWH for ALL of those years so that in itself says a lot i think. I suppose it is POSSIBLE but HIGHLY UNLIKELY that i will ever find myself in that situation but thanks for the wishes.

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Originally Posted by Still_Crazy
Originally Posted by drgnfly
I disagree, and hope you are never in a situation that makes you regret your current opinion.

Best wishes for your M.

And i have found that it is pretty easy to just avoid situations where i am alone with a man (besides my H) for the past 25 years. And believe me very little of my ENs have been met by my FWH for ALL of those years so that in itself says a lot i think. I suppose it is POSSIBLE but HIGHLY UNLIKELY that i will ever find myself in that situation but thanks for the wishes.

I too, do NOT EVER put myself in a situation where an A could happen. I too have almost never had my EN meet by my FWH either. But I'm not the one that had an A or even thought about having one.

I do however agree that we all are wired to have an A if the conditions are right. Affairs to me are like murder....given the right time, place and circumstance, we're all capible of it.

BS(me)45
F?WH 41
Married 6/1990
His EA? 4/07? to 4/08
DDay1 4/13/08
DDay2 8/8/08
S25 ~ SSgt USAF currently deployed to Iraq
S15
D9


Me46
FWH42
Married 19 yrs
EA 4/07 - 4/08
(Confirmed by polygraph that it had not gone PA)
Dday1 4/13/08
Dday2 8/8/08
S26
S16
D10
Trying to Recover
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My goodness JoJo i would never commit murder either. Heck i do not even believe in the death penalty.

I just think that if you are ALWAYS aware of your situation you can easily avoid being alone around a member of the opposite sex.

And if you are never alone with a member of the opposite sex it is highly unlikely you are going to have a A unless you are going to do it in front of a bunch of other people.

That is all i am saying.

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Quote
My goodness JoJo i would never commit murder either. Heck i do not even believe in the death penalty.


Well I wouldn't committ murder either, not premeditated anyway....and I do believe in the Death Penalty.

You mean to tell me if you walk into your house one night and there's someone in there and they attack you, you won't fight back? YOu won't grab the closest thing and wack the crap out of them regardless and with no thought that you may kill them?

You mean to tell me that you walk up on someone physically hurting your child that you won't attempt to stop them with no thought to whether you kill them?

YOU NEVER KNOW when you are going to be put in a position for either. NEVER SAY NEVER.....

YOUR NEVER MAY BE TOMORROW!!



Me46
FWH42
Married 19 yrs
EA 4/07 - 4/08
(Confirmed by polygraph that it had not gone PA)
Dday1 4/13/08
Dday2 8/8/08
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That wouldn't be considered murder though. Are you okay Jo? You sound like you want to whack H, not fatally...

**going to your poly thread**


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
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Well of course i would protect myself and my children and my spouse, but like the other poster stated that would not be murder, it would be self defense.

And i did change my response to say that i suppose it is POSSIBLE, but HIGHLY UNLIKELY that i would have an A because of the EPs i have ALWAYS had in place.

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I think it's important to remember WHY a wayward needs & creates EP's. It's a form of just compensation for the betrayed spouse.

Dr. Harley says it well in his Q&A section;

"The first act of compensation to you from your husband should be to end his relationship with the other woman once and for all. He should never see or talk to her again, even if it means leaving his job or moving your family to another state......"

"And then he should put extraordinary precautions in place to guarantee that another affair will not take it's place. Has he considered the circumstances that led to his affair? Intoxication, business trips that separate you overnight, close friendships with those of the opposite sex, recreational relationships that do not include you, and so forth, should be subject to scrutiny. What was it that made him vulnerable? Whatever it was, he should take extraordinary precautions to avoid it in the future. It's part of just compensation for the suffering he's caused you to bear."


For the betrayed spouse, this is a critical action step needed from the wayward in the process of recovering from infidelity.

Asking a BS to make a list of EP's themselves is not really necessary, as they have nothing to compensate for.

Following the rule of POJA handles all the necessary protection that will be needed, as you must have ENTHUSIASTIC AGREEMENT about all decisions.

I do want to add that I see nothing wrong with a BS creating a visible list of EP's to demonstrate their willingness to protect their M. But just keep in mind it doesn't serve the same purpose as a FWS's list.





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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drgnfly Offline OP
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I get that this is a form of just compensation for the BS from the WS, and I'm not trying to take away from that. Yes, I am partially writing these EP's for FWH, but I am mainly writing them for my M and for MYSELF. I believe that we all have to make ourselves accountable for our actions. If we'd written these EP's right from the start as Dr. Harley had done in his relationship, we most likely wouldn't be here now.

I have unintentionally followed my EP's throughout our relationship out of instinct, but I feel now that I need to make the next step to make myself stronger. Looking back at my own actions in some situations, I have noticed little things I have done that I need to eliminate in order to make our M A-Proof. I'm not perfect and I never will be, but I can always make myself better.

Not making this list because I have followed my EP's throughout our relationship is like going to a dealership to get a new car and telling them I don't need any safety features because I've never been in an accident and I'm a very safe driver. There is a possibility that I could get in an accident, but I find it highly unlikely, so why should I get those safety features? Why should I get them to protect myself, my H, or DD?



BW-31
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I would like to just say that I followed EPs for 28 years of marriage (and before that) and I was 48 before I had an A. I was one of those who loathed cheating, hated cheaters and could never, ever conceive of having an A myself. I have always had a huge prickly barrier around me which warns men off, plus everyone who has ever met me while I've been married has noticed how "married" I am (if that makes sense).

But.... old flame, the right circumstances and I had an A.

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I KNOW it could just have easily been me...

I am going to write some


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Originally Posted by KiwiJ
I would like to just say that I followed EPs for 28 years of marriage (and before that) and I was 48 before I had an A. I was one of those who loathed cheating, hated cheaters and could never, ever conceive of having an A myself. I have always had a huge prickly barrier around me which warns men off, plus everyone who has ever met me while I've been married has noticed how "married" I am (if that makes sense).

But.... old flame, the right circumstances and I had an A.

Okay so here you say old flame......right circumstances.......

So to me that means you spent time alone with this person or you talked to this person on a personal level or possibly both.

I do not have any old flames that i would even care to speak to again (not that i hate them or anything it is just that i did not care for them the way i care for my FWH) and i am not ever alone with men and i do not ever talk personal stuff with ANY male and i have not for 25 years.

I have worked at my company for 12 years and i work with 4 males and 5 females. I talk to all of them everyday, but i can not tell you where any of the four males live, what they do when they are not at work, what kind of car they drive, i do know that 2 of them are married and have children, the other is a single dad, and the last one is homosexual (because he has brought his partner to work numerous times). That is pretty much all i could tell you about any of the four of them and i see and speak to them every day. Now the females on the other hand i know a lot about them, but that is okay.

I have discovered that me and my H do not even have the same beliefs in what a marriage "should look like" and believe me when i say if anyone in our M should have had an A it should have been me, however i have still not ever put myself in a situation where i could have an A or where i could let another man meet my needs.

Even now that we are having so many issues with trying to recover our M after infidelity i would not consider having an A.

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Originally Posted by black_raven
That wouldn't be considered murder though. Are you okay Jo? You sound like you want to whack H, not fatally...

**going to your poly thread**

smile No, not whack him just maybe beat the crap out of him some days smile

OK....not murder but kill someone for whatever reason. The whole point was.....We're ALL capable of it.....even though MOST OF US would not PLAN IT.


Me46
FWH42
Married 19 yrs
EA 4/07 - 4/08
(Confirmed by polygraph that it had not gone PA)
Dday1 4/13/08
Dday2 8/8/08
S26
S16
D10
Trying to Recover
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