Ok, V, so far:
1) 1st d-day - OW called me "as a friend" to let me know how unhappy I was making my husband - pitched an absolute fit at my WH that he never have contact again - he said "ok" and I believed him - Auguest 2007
2) 2nd d-day - last spring returned home from spring break with daughters - he did not look happy to see me AT ALL. I woke up late that night and on a hunch, snuck out to his truck to look at his cell phone. Same number multiple times daily - I called and it was her. This time, again I pitched a fit - this is when she started calling me and talking to me about how I should treat my husband to make him happier, how to raise my kids, etc. He agreed again to break all contact and we had more discussions about why he felt the need to communicate with her, etc. I began (without knowing about MB) to try and fufill some of his EN's. Believed him again that there would be no more contact. Found out more about her by snooping (workplace, full name, address, myspace page, etc.) but didn't make any disclosures to anyone.
3) d-day #3 - OW BF called March 3 to tell me to keep my H away from his son. Seems she called my H to tell him that her car was making weird sounds, could he come check it out, etc. He stopped by during his lunch, BF happened to come by with child support and caught him there. BF called me again later to fill me in on the real length of the realtionship, car loan, and lots of other stuff that I had no clue about - everything he told me my H confirmed as true. So this time I told him he could leave or stay, but if he wanted to stay he would have to: 1) cut off all contact with OW over speakerphone while I listened 2) get tested for std's and 3) seek MC. If he wanted to leave he would 1) sit our daughters down and tell them why he was leaving 2) withdraw no more than $50 a week from our joint acct's until we seperated them and 3) the OW was to have no contact with our children whatsoever. Well, he chose to stay and he has done everything except the MC - we set up an appt, but I found MB and he want us to go through this program together. So far, I have been reading SAA and we have done EN's and discussed those. I have also set up a PI to watch him the week that my daughters and I go for our spring break. Things seem to be going well, but he swears there was no PA (as if the EA is any better) and I still feel like he's lying about it and other things and I can't get past it right now!! Feel like I need to know everything -I've even told him that whatever he might tell me is not going to change my mind about letting him stay and work on our M. It's becoming an obsession for me to know everything and everything I've read on MB tells me that it's not wrong for me to want to know the whole truth! But how do I get the whole truth?

If NC can be verified, he needs to write a NC letter.
Have him do this, send it here first before you send it.

People here can determine his true intentions with what he has written.

A poly has been suggested to get the truth.

You need to keep snooping, NC may not be in place.

refuses the poly - I don't believe in them either....so you think that a NC letter is necessary even after the 3 way phone call? One of the reasons I'm so spastic right now is that every time I bring stuff up that has to do with her he gets ultra-defensive and it just seems to put us two steps back - of course I realize that he probably is using that to keep things from me. What right does he have to get mad, right...unless he is hiding something!

The 3 way call, the one where WH called OW with you present to say NC, this one right?

WH should still send a NC letter in writing with the specifics I already mentioned.
This is a written commitment signed by WH.
This is to be done after you have verified NC.

When will the PI be watching him?

What precautions are in place to ensure NC?
Have you changed his cell phone #, done what is necessary to block emails etc.?

If you find that NC is NOT in place, are you willing to expose?
If not, you need to find another plan other than MB. It is a vital part of the plan to break up A's.

Why won't WH do a poly? This would concern me. A WS who is wanting to rebuild a M would be willing to do this.

Try to be a bit more open-minded about the poly, it may be your only way of knowing the truth.

ok everyone, so Thursday I gave fwh a letter that I found on here (I think by Leo?) about why it's so important to know the details of the A - changed some things to fit our situation...he read it - he said he didn't know where to start, so I calmly asked (REALLY hard to be calm, but I did) if I could just start asking him questions. He said ok and we talked for about 2 hours I started from the beginning of the realtionship in 2005 all the way to the last d-day this March. Alot of stuff that was very hard to hear...but I feel like I finally have the truth. There was some physical stuff, not intercourse (doesn't make it hurt less) basically because they couldn't find the opportunity. It hurt really bad to hear and to have to keep asking questions that I didn't really want to hear the answer to, but I feel like we have a shot at moving forward now. I've been really relieved the past two days - told him that I will still probably come up with more questions and he says he will continue to answer. I'm gonna continue with my spring break PI plans and I will continue to monitor her myspace and his phone/email. I guess my question for you veterans now is....when do I quit snooping? Is there a time frame I should set for myself or let it happen naturally? Any advice would be appreciated...

WOW, that is so funny, I just sortof asked the same question on my thread, and then came to catch up with you. For some reason I feel a bond with you. Probably cus we are sharing this experience and have some similarities.

Let me say, from my recent experience, WH did not tell the whole truth, and from what I read here is that they tend to tell a little, think that is enough to get you to stop asking, and hope you don´t find out the whole truth, because it is sooo much worse. But for me it isn´t really worse, that is the details they ommit, but a kind of saving face, and maybe I think keeping some of it private, for their own fantacylife or memories that aren´t tainted by your tears or reaction. I´m rambeling here ...

No, I get what you mean ...but for some reason I feel like I know all I need to know...for now. I'm sure the urge to snoop will be coming and going for quite some time. Maybe I'm being a fool, but I can't imagine him telling me something worse than what I can imagine. But NC looks firm and we're trying to work on EN's - I think doing pretty good. It's going to be a while before I totally let my guard down though.

E,

If NC has stayed in place since Mar.5, it is because OWBF exposed to you. See, it works.
That first day back in Aug., you should have exposed.
If you find another broken NC, which you very well might, you need to do a nuclear exposure.

Other than being a nice H and communicating well, what has WH been doing for just compensation?
Are you reading the books together?

One more time, he needs to write a NC letter, is he willing to do this?

E,

This has been going on for over 3 years and there was some 'physical stuff' but not intercourse?!?! C'mon...you cannot possibly believe that?!? He is trickle truthing you. He is giving you a little bit more each time you talk. He is hoping you will be satisfied and apparently you are so now he can keep the rest secret. It's pretty much standard practice for waywards to do this. I'm sorry but I think you are in for more heartache in the future......

If you believe there was no intercourse then I have a bridge to sell you.....

Mindshare

Vitt & MS
I don't doubt either one of you and you guys have obviously been dealing with this longer. Right now I feel like I need to move on...will it come back to bite me in the a$$? Maybe, but I can't live in a constant state of pissed off, worry, anxiety. At some point I've got to put that down. I'm still snooping, PI is this coming week and I'm trying to keep tabs on everything. Will I come back to mb with another broken heart? Possible, but I've got to try to rebuild this m. We are slowly reading through SAA and both of us can see how we got where we are...the NC over the speakerphone satisfied me - he said everythign I wanted him to and I said my piece as well. How has he compensated - I continue to check his e-mail and cell phone, when I ask him questions he answers even though I may have asked 100 times before, he's making a conscious effort to meet my EN's and avoid LB. And yes Vitt, nuclear exposure and immediate plan B are my plans for any future NC broken.

Next, you will find out your husband got the OW pregnant. She will be calling you bragging about having your husband's baby! I can see it now. You are not exposing this to anyone,, admitting to yourself there is a physical affair or getting a poly.

You are not doing anything to stop this.

Hey All
Had a surprisingly restful Spring Break with my girls...will talk with PI this pm about waht went on last week while I was gone. Sure hope the news is good. If not, I guess you guys can all say you told me so....trying to be positive today.

Ahhhhh (sigh of relief and thanks)
PI says no contact has held - he went out to eat once after work, but there was no one matching OW description and her car not there at the resturant. FWH told me about eating out, so I'm feeling really good! 5 days and 600 miles away and the NC still looks good!

OK, so lots of triggers today, don't know why....things have been going really well between us, just kind of tired of Plan A I guess. I think it's normal for the BS to sometimes detach from WS, so maybe I'm just getting my first taste of that. I have really put forth an effort trying to meet his EN's and sometimes I just want to scream "hey! wake the f up! I have needs too!" We were having amazing sex after his STD test came back clean, but now it's fufilling me less and he doesn't seem to notice the lack of....response (without giving TMI!) Is this normal? Is it too soon to say we are in recovery? Is this just something I'm gonna have to slog through?

Hi Estefania,
I´m happy to hear your vacation went well in all respects I was worried for you, but I guess that is my situation that my WH cheated while I was away.
And I´m sorry to hear that you crashed after you vacation. It seems pretty normal tho. My WH and I have been having great sex, but it has been all about me meeting his needs, sure it was great for me too (GRRRRRRRRRRREAT), but he hasn´t been making the effort I hoped for to meet my needs in the way I want, so as far as I am concerned I can say: I understand (Fat lot of good that does!)