I am a BS and would like to know if you don't mind sharing, what needs were you not getting met by your BS? and what was it like for you in the fog? and did you think that this affair was the best thing that ever happen to you, and how did you manage to pull yourself together to go back home. and what happened to the op? What happened within that year?

The reality NEVER lives up to the fantasy. Thats what happened! Same old story

in his defense, he has had 2 'dates' that other people have set him up on....not because he had the interest as much as they want to see him move on. He has never sniffed around like a dog in heat.

I don't think either one of us were meeting each other's emotional needs for a long time...and we were completely unaware...or if we were aware at all, we felt like they were needs we shoudln't have and just tried to bury those feelings.

I know I longed for conversation!! I longed for times of just connecting and having him be interested in what was going on in my head and heart. Every time I would try to talk to him just casually he would say he was too tired or would try to act interested but it would only last a couple of minutes. I know that we are built differently when it comes to conversation....but I was hoping for some time to connect with him.(this is NO excuse for an affair...I should have talked to him, found a way to express these needs, suggested we talk to a counselor, tried to find out HIS needs and how I could meet those!!!)

Hmmmm....did I think the affair was the best thing that ever happened to me? of course now the answer is absolutely NOT...it was one of the worst. Maybe I did at the time...I honestly cannot remember because I was deeply in the fog and don't remember a lot about that time.
I am NOT at home....it may be too late for that.
The guilt, shame and remorse weigh heavily after a long period of time and that can be pretty powerful in helping you "pull yourself together"...getting and really acknowledging the depth of the pain you have caused others makes you want to try to make things right.

Just out of curiosity, did any of your family enable the A or were they completely against it and tried to tell you?

You are still so deep in the fog I'm amazed you can see in front of you

My mom and brother definitely made their opinions known that they were against it. My Sis and my Dad were concerned and said they were concerned because it was very very out of character (believe it or not...you can argue with me all day about this but before the affair I never would even allow myself to be alone with someone of the opposite sex no matter what the circumstance because I have always felt you should protect your marriage at all costs...even the appearance of something not right...and this was something we agreed to before we got married and lived by it for 15 years)and they thought something had happened to me. My friends tried to get me checked in to a mental hospital because they thought I had developed a serious personality disorder.
They ALL said I didn't even LOOK the same....it was like aliens had come in the night and taken me away and replaced me with the WW....the FOG was very very dense!!

apprently from a comment earlier, I still have some fog....who knows when it will all be gone.

Shreds. You need to not say stuff about how you were. That person is gone. Gone forever. You can not get her back. And your husband will never see her again. The only thing you can do is move forward from where you are. Your husband basically has to fall in love with a different woman. Because the last woman almost destroyed. him. This new you. Has to woo him and court him and earn a place in his heart. Continue writing him letters.

You also need to understand that in the future he will have triggers that remind him of your cheating. Events like cheating in movies. Or in a song. The mention of a name. Or even smells. You will have to learn to accept and deal with these. You will also have to make sure, if you go to movie, that you know what it is about. Or you will have a bunch of ruined evenings. Good luck.

Why do you say this? What am I saying or doing?? I really need your help because that is scaring me!!

You are not going to just snap out of it but that doesnt mean you cant be strong. From what I've read here, a year in a year out...or something like that.


ETA: I think it was the dont remember part. That is a big part of the fog

That is weird about the fog thing because the further away I get, the more I don't remember about how I felt because I don't connect or relate to what I was thinking and feeling then....back then I could tell you exactly...
People will tell me things I said during that time and I just look at them like "what???!!! How in the world could I have said something like THAT!!! Who was i??"

I BELIEVE that I said those things because I KNOW I was in a very very very bad place....but I have no memory of it. They are things I would never even THINK now...much less say.

I would surprised if you were fully out of the fog by now.

You admit yourself that the OM still holds some attraction for you but you now realise its a long term addiction that will hurt YOU and your kids. That too at this stage is not unexpected.

Its a process that takes time and you will just have to work through it for as long as it takes.

However I have to agree that though I remember an a lot of the fog times now in hindsight..... I do not remember exact words or excuses or crap I spewed out. Have I deliberately blocked it out? Maybe don't know.
I totally accept I said the comments because all of my family state very clearly I did. I don't see the value of trying to remember them either... I simply accept I did and I do have to live with it. They are now very embarrassing and seem the comments of a child who can't get its own way. But them's the facts like it or not.

no dating he's still married, best no dating until one year after the divorce.

I'm curiouse.

How would you propose that In Shreds convay to her BS/STBXH that he can't date untill they are divorced, and shouldn't for atleast a year?

He may not be very receptive to this idea comming from his adulterous STBXW.

I understand that what you are saying is for his own good. But you present it as if she is in controll of what he can and cant do.

Gack

It's easy to say what's right. To convince is another thing.

well....I am back. Have tried a couple of times to get on and the site was down...
in between I have been in a major major struggle between good and evil...between false and real recovery.
REAL recovery is going to prevail....if it kills me!! (and there are many parts of me that need to die!!)

I will explain more tomorrow....am very very tired tonight.

I AM NOT GOING to let my past stupidity determine my and my families' future!!!!! It WILL NOT win!

I_S,

I look forward to hearing what has been up.

JL

Me too.

well...bottom line is....I lost this perspective for a bit. The OM kept coming by my house and my resolve started to weaken....our "friends" we have made over the last year as a couple kept saying "but you love each other...your marriage is over anyway....why would you throw away someone who loves you when you aren't even getting back with your husband" and I started to believe these things...though somewhere inside was screaming "THESE ARE LIES!"

I also started truly believing that I couldn't do it...I couldn't stay away and I was just going to hurt everyone ALL over again so why even try.

SO.....I went back to being with the OM. I thought to myself "I just need to let go of this marriage, mourn the dreams we have had and the ending of what we wanted for our family and MOVE ON for everyone's sake". For 1 day I felt Ok about that.....but then the turmoil started in my stomache again. All the character flaws in the OM and myself that allowed us to get to this point became NEON lights!! When I would point them out(my own included), the OM of course would argue them away...but I had already seen the truth and couldn't argue or reason it away.

Next, I started to just say, well, this is what you deserve....you can't try to do NC AGAIN??!!!! Everyone will think you are a nut case!!! ....well....I sorta am at this point and staying with the OM would only make that worse!!!

the final breaking point came when, after crying myself to sleep night after night because of my stupidity and the feelings of hopelessness, I decided to read a little before bed to keep my mind busy. Don't ask me why, but I picked up this book about helping children thru divorce and the introduction was ALL about the lies that people believe about how children will be "fine", etc. Basically, the book was exposing what I already knew deep in my heart...
My children will not be "FINE"!!!!!!! What I have done to them and my H is not FINE!!!!!! My "happiness" (this is happy????!!!) is NOT more important (or mutually exclusive) than my H and my children!!!!!!!! LIES< LIES< LIES!!!!!!!

SO....

here I am. NC take 2. I had already cut job ties so that isn't an issue. The OM is out of town on business until Friday so I have until then to decide where I am going to be when he gets back so he cannot just 'stop by' and find me here. (He knows about the NC and my desire to restore my marriage and family)
I can still go to my brother and sis-in-laws. I am just trying to decide if that is the best option.

and for those of you who wanted to know:
the OM is no longer married but was for 16 years. He has only had 2 serious relationships in his life....me in Highschool and then his wife whom he dated just after me and then married. He has only been with the 2 of us sexually. He was in a VERY ultra orthodox Jewish lifestyle (he was a Rabbi for most of those years) until he decided that he had had enough of the ever increasing rules/requirements and stopped following some of them. He trimmed his beard and stopped wearing all the required clothing. At that point, his wife asked him to leave b/c he was not religious enough. I know this is true because she told me herself. She is currently being set up by her community to marry a very religious man. (that is the way they do things there)
When they split up, she was pregnant with their 5th son. Yes....I know....horrible. At this point is where he started emailing me and the rest is history....awful history.

Enough about him. He is NOT a victim. Even in spite of the religious differences, he was NOT an attentive husband to her and I can see now NOT the most attentive father...too wrapped up in his own wants for that.
just like me.
but NO more.

>speechless<