{{{{{{SSS}}}}}}

Email me if you wanna chat.

I'm praying that the comforting arms of God are wrapped around you today. Rest in him.

Here are a few verses I highlighted in my Bible during tst's affair.

Psalm 28:6-7 Praise be to the Lord, for he has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped.

Psalm 30: 2 O Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.

Psalm 31: 2-3 Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me. Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me.

Psalm 31:9 Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish.

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.


Psalm 102:1-2 Hear my cry, O Lord; let my cry for help come from you. Do not hide your face from me when I am in distress. Turn your ear to me; when I call, answer me quickly.

Psalm 118:8 It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man.

Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Don't be too optimistic. I hate for you to get your bubble burst too believer.

I finally was able to break through his bs, the way he would wind a story around so it sounded less bad. He thought it was making me feel better that way? No, he really wanted to still cover his a**.

I now know that he did not want to go on our 25th anniversary trip to NYC. I knew he was not terribly excited but of course at that time I was not aware of why. What I did not know was that he told her he had to go, did not want to leave her. He emailed her when we were there. He did not have fun like he has maintained, he only wanted to come home to be with her. Our 25th wedding anniversary. As soon as we got home he took her out to dinner in public! (its ok, he went in first to see if he knew anyone there)

He also hated me. The sex was GREAT with her, passionate and he was totally in love with her and hated me, hated me for most of our marriage. No wonder he ignored me. It was all because I did not jump when he said jump. He apparently thought I was supposed to hang on his every breath. I tried to do many of the things he wanted but he raised the bar every time and told me I was inadequate every single time in very awful ways. He set me up to fail because he KNEW I would never be that Stepford Wife. Once set up and failing he had his excuse to go to hookers because I was certainly not going to have a lot of sex with someone who treated me that way. He knew why, I told him. The MC told him but he did not think he had to do anything to be married, it was all my job. If I wanted him to stay I had to do all the work. Well, I have a brain (maybe) and a will and the right to not be anyone's slave. If I had not had the boys and had not been under threat from his family I would have left very early on. So he set me up, knocked me down and then went to hookers. The last thing, that 6 year affair with the last hooker took him so far away from me. He maintains that all during our marriage he thought getting sex outside would help us. Good lord. Really? Now I know how passionate and great the sex was and how he was so much in love and how long he actually looked at me and hated me. I just can't take this. Why could he not have been honest before about this? It is not like it is a big surprise but to hear it now, 6 months after I discovered the affair, a few days after the wonderful MB weekend and all the healing that seemed to take place then, it is almost like he is setting me up and knocking me down all over again. Hmmmmm.

Thank you. ((((((hugs)))))) back.

SMB thank you.

I knew there would be more sorrow, I know there probably always will be but at this point to be getting more info seems like starting all over again. It is not like a D Day but it feels like one.

Thank you for the verses. Right now these two


speak to me the most. Anguish is a good word and I do feel like I am growing weak. I am certainly getting real sick and tired of this. Thank you.

sss,

It sounds to me like old patterns are hard to break. To be fair (and honestly I am not sure he deserves fair) some of these confessions could be coming as he gains perspective. As a former wayward I can tell you it is very hard to SEE CLEARLY the why's when you are in the high of the A. Self examination takes a long time.

Does he need to be this brutally honest with you? Are these questions you are asking him? Is he feeling a need to cleanse his soul at your expense?

People of the lie -

Ya know, he said on his thread he has an addiction to control . Stringing these "truths" out sounds like more of his need to control.

Hi FF

I am not actually asking them because I want the answers but because I want him to be honest and see his own deceit, he misses that because he actually believes his own made up stories. I don't care what the real reason is, I really doubt it is to spare me the lovely details, but instead of being truthful he spins the stories and because of that I simply can't believe a word he says. So I catch him and hold fast until he fesses up to making up the story and gives me his reason, then he spills it all. I don't know quite what to do, he has to be caught and it has to be brought up or he will continue this pattern of making stuff up to sugar coat the truth and pull the wool over my eyes (or try, I am not so dumb as he apparently thinks I am). Because he is admitting to the untruth when I call him on it I think he is perhaps honest about trying to change that but I am afraid I am going to have to suffer the consequences of calling him on it. I fear this may end the marriage, I am unsure how much more I can take but it has 0 chance of success if I let it go.

Pepperband

I just KNEW we would eventually have to come back to that in fact I was thinking about it a lot lately.

FF

Could be that or partially that. He does try to control everything and every situation and most people. He can't control me by setting rules or poking at me but by lying he can. I wonder if he will stay when that goes away too?

My prayer is when he finally submits to God's will and God's way, he will no longer feel the need to control. Until then, his old self is going to rear it's ugly head now and then not matter how hard he tries to CONTROL himself.

I know he has expressed a willingness to attend church. We did once and he liked it. It is very difficult to get everything done on the farm, clean up and get to church so right there you have a built in excuse not to go. I am going to have to lead the way there because he knows I am the one who really does not want to go. I have no love for churches but I do love Jesus and have a relationship with God but it is really personal and something I am more happy and comfortable sharing in my own way. I am surrendered and if he does it it will help him. I had not really thought of it quite that way. For the marriage I will do this. It is actually pretty comfortable for me because most of the people at this church are already people I know and care about and work for.

sss, do it for *you* as well. God wants us to worship with others. We need the fellowship and we need other believers to call us on the carpet when necessary and to love on us.

Well since I have to be there I guess I will get the fellowship whether I like it or not! <---this IS a joke

I just brought up to GM how terribly hurt I am by all this new information and I asked him if he could refrain from telling it to me since I have more than enough knowledge to deal with. I asked if I could just make him see his lies and not hear the real truth anymore. He said no. I have to hear it all because he is on a path of radical honesty. This is going to be the end of me. Steve Harley and I discussed this before and I decided that GM should write down anything else he remembers because all the big stuff was out. I do not need to keep hearing the little stuff because it will not change things and it continues to hurt over and over again. If and when I want it it will be there for me to hear. Now that apparently has changed. I have more than enough, I really do not want any more to come out day after day after day....26 years of it. I may have to stop this, put an end to it. I do not want to end up in the looney bin like he was, it was WAY too expensive and I am partial to my shoelaces. If he ends up hurt by all the lies he has to keep inside then he can suffer but I will remove myself from the process.

sss, post this, and anything else that comes to mind, directly to Dr. Harley on the MB Weekend forums. You have that help available, if you'll use it!

((((((((((sss)))))))))))

I will do that! I had not thought to start that yet. Thank you my friend. You and SMB are the BEST!

It is up to the betrayed spouse to decide when enough truth is enough. GM can journal if he needs to continue on the radical honesty train (which is great) but there comes a point where RH can be used by the wayward as a tool to hurt the BS.

sss-
i agree with tst. i have been posting to dr. harley daily since the weekend. his advise will be consistent with what we learned. also - i have called kim already twice and e mailed her.
PLEASE do it- it will make all the difference. my H has had major mess ups since we came home too and i was shocked- i thought things would be great immediately, but dr harley assures me that these are all habits that can be changed. see my posts under misc topics for the weekend.

i feel taht we can make it now that we have daily access to dr harley and kim. YOU CAN TOO.

they can tell you how sincere your H is because they met him and they will call him to talk to him too.

you once suggested to me that my H should start posting - and that was a huge help. so now i am suggesting this to you- as tst said - call kim TODAY!!!! and post to dr harley NOW. he answers his posts every morning.
hang in there - i can say i know exactly how you feel.

lyine and lying by omission are HABITS TOO, that can be changed.

CHIN UP, hugs, sf

EXACTLY!

Who changed the plan of you needing to hear the little things? GM or Dr. H?

{{{{sss}}}}

You still there sss?