I just read your whole thread and your slipped NC makes me feel sick to my stomach.

You need to move...a restraining order won't be good enough because POSOM will just send his friends over to see you.

Your resolve at NC is not strong enough, you are weak and foggy and moving is a MUST.

Find another apartment and just move. NOW. Do not leave a forwarding address. Do you have an accountable friend you can move in with?

I see your point about moving....
I will consider that.
My Mom and I have talked about that and both of our concern is that since I have had the apartment (rather than living with friends like I was...I have been here since November) my children have done SO much better. especially my son...
I am afraid that moving again will "pull the rug" out from underneath them again. If I can be strong and hold fast to NC while I am here, I think that is the best way to go.
If I truly am committed to NC, do you think this could be OK???

No, I don't...you have broken NC a few times already, the addiction is strong.

Can you temporarily move in with your parents? They would be good for accountability and it would be good for your children to be around family.

Moving again might be hard on your children, but a D would be much harder, and with how many times you have already broken NC, D is right around the corner.

Move.

Once you move, you will SEE what a no-brainer it was and you will wonder why you even questioned this advice.

The sooner you do it, the sooner you can move with on with your personal recovery and eventually possible M recovery.

Listen, we moved out of state and the OW did not even live in our LAST state (we were in CA, she was in AZ)...this was something my FWH felt strongly about and it was HIS idea...he wanted to take NO CHANCES that OW would try to contact us, so we "disappeared".

This is what you need to do.

Ok...you definitely have my attention...you have walked this road. I am pondering this and trying to figure out what I will do.

I need help processing thru some of this...so please know I am not trying to throw up obstacles b/c I don't want to do it....I just need to get my mind wrapped around it logistically.

I have no place to go that doesn't cost money...I have asked (less than 3 weeks ago) my Mom (married to my step dad who is very against the idea) and the few friends I have left. I have a lease here for 12 months and still have 6 months left that I am financially obligated to.
some of this may take care of itself as I have quit 1 job b/c of contact with him and now I will probably have to quit my other part time job b/c he knows where I will be on those days and could easily show up there. This leaves me with NO income and probably unable to pay the rent anyway....

I know that people are hesitant to help b/c I have done the back and forth so many times. they are all waiting to see if I am serious or not. If some time passes and they see that I mean business, I will probably have help offered from EVERY side.

Every time I have tried to get away I have made big big changes ie quitting jobs, changing my phone number, etc, etc and then gone back. I'm the little boy who cried "wolf"!!! Few believe me anymore and I don't blame them a bit. I don't even know that I believe me yet. But I don't want to go back....I'll just feel better when a week has passed with NC!!!

I feel like I am in a catch 22!!!

Just so you all know, I am not having ANY thoughts of going back or contacting the OM. I am in a state of relief right now. But I know the harder days and hours are coming where I will be greatly tempted....and I know that you are all just saying to me...

BE PREPARED THIS TIME!!! DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN NC!!! And in my case, I see that I must pull out all the stops. But I really need some help figuring out what all the stops are and logistically how to make that happen.

I am pulling for you. I am not advanced enough to give advice, but believe me the people here know what they are talking about. They've been there done that have several t-shirts. Please listen to them.

If you move, make sure you don't do stuff like get a land line that is listed in the phone book or give your address to a friend of a friend of toxic friend's. Does your STBXH still reside in the marital home?

How about your brother and SIL? Weren't they willing to help you if you kept NC?

For sure, Black Raven! Agreed!

Yes...he does still live in the marital home.

Yes...but they live 8 hours away. It is OK for a few days but not for a long term solution. Were you just thinking a few days?

ok

Thought maybe if he rented he'd perhaps be willing to get a fresh start in a new place and then you could move to the same area.

Until you are moved, I'd still get the restraining order. Maybe this in un-MB like but is there something about OM that he wouldn't want others to know that you could expose so he wouldn't want to come around you anymore?

See if you can sub-lease your apt. in order to get out of the lease.

Keep brainstorming and see what your other options are. What about looking into just a ROOM to rent rather than a whole apartment? That should cut your costs by quite a lot. It might not be the best solution long-term, but right now you just need to get through the here and now and do WHATEVER it takes to avoid contact.

APs often do not let go easily and you have already experienced that. Don't take anymore chances...you need to move.

I didn't realize it was quite so far. But yes, I would take that as a short term solution especially if you have no job anyway. Be honest with your husband about WHY you are doing this (to maintain NC) and he will be understanding about the child care arrangments...I bet.

I agree that you have to move. I think family would be best because it is harder to cover secret meetings and succumb to temptation. Are you working towards spending 15 hours + with your husband each week? Is he willing?

I have gotten 2 different thoughts on this subject so now i am a little confused...

since my husband and I have been separated and living separate lives for over a year and our divorce is almost final, I had been advised to wait until the withdrawal was mostly over before working on things with my husband. If you'll refer to the beginning of my thread, I had been advised that it was extremely selfish to do otherwise (I can see their point).

but then there are those who refer to spending 15+ hours together, working on MB material together, etc. and it sounds like they are saying that my husband and I should be communicating about all of this stuff NOW.

What I have been thinking is that I should be doing this on my own for right now and then after I have some history AWAY from the OM and at least some of the withdrawal behind me, that would be the time to start working on the marriage....if he is still willing at that point. I think my H would prefer that right now. He wants reconciliation most of the time but I'm sure all you BS can understand the fear that he has at opening back up at all to me.

What do you think the Harley's would say for us??? Has anyone been in our situation?

BUT if my husband and I SHOULD be working thru this together then that is what I would want to be doing if he is willing.

I think that if there is NC and there stays NC, then you should embrace the recovery process and you should spend as much time with your husband and children that you can. Withdrawal can take months. I wouldn't want my WS to stay away to protect me and go through withdrawal alone and vulnerable to temptation. It would mean more to me that he is present and actively pursuing a life and love with me. I also think that the sooner you both build your lovebanks for each other the easier, and quicker your withdrawal period will be. I am no expert on this but that is my opinion.

I HATE withdrawal!! I HATE what I have done in the last year!!! I HATE this MESS I have made!!!
I just spent about 1/2 hour ranting like a mad woman about the CRAZY emotions and thoughts I was having....I was feeling so incredibly hopeless that I just wanted to die. Truly. Insanity. And I am on the WS side!! I can only imagine what so many of YOU BSs have suffered.

After my time with my dear friend (who has led me through much healing ministry with the Lord...I wouldn't be here today if it were not for her constant love and prayers) on the phone, I got my head on straight again and was able to focus on the Truth.
She recommended that I read Psalm 32 again...haven't read it in ages. Very very good Psalm for those who have had "hidden" things in their lives. It will eat you alive on the inside if you do not live with Integrity. That is what integrity means....having your insides match your outsides. I long for the day when I can say that is how I live again.

Early day tomorrow....must sleep to be strong for another day of NC.

On a brighter note, my H and I are attending a parenting seminar at church together on Saturday. At his invitation. I am nervous b/c I haven't been there for a long time (as you might imagine) BUT I am excited about being there with H.

LOL! I guess anything that makes it work!