Interesting. Thank you for sharing that.


I asked GM once how I could ever live up to the secret, naughty, exciting sex he had with her. Of course then he denied it was any good (like he really thought I would believe that?). So I will ask you......can we ever live up to that? I try (and try and try...... ) but really, after he gets used to me again it will be good but never secret and unusually exciting.


That had to hurt. Wow and ewwwwwwwww. It is horrible the things we have to know and live with forever now because of what they did. You OK?

sadsosad asked:
Why could he not have been honest before about this?


My response: People of the lie (because I was in a hurry)


sadsosad said: I just KNEW we would eventually have to come back to that in fact I was thinking about it a lot lately.

I'm not trying to increase your angst. Really, I am not.
But you asked a ridiculous question.
Why do liars lie? Why can't a liar be honest?

You ask for a reasonable explanation for absurd unreasonable behavior.

There is no "WHY" -
You might as well ask:
"Why could he not have flapped his wings and flown to New Zealand?"

Because he's got arms, not wings.

GM had somehow eliminated the possibility and the necessity for honesty between he and you.

Liars like that, lie like like taking a breath . It comes naturally.

Which might explain his recent diarrhea of truth telling. (CODE BROWN - CALLING ALL NURSES - CODE BROWN)

You know, like the mechanism for irritable bowel syndrome? The signal for bowel motility is either OFF AND STOPPED or FULL SPEED AHEAD.

What a mess.

Sorry you're having a bad day.
The sex toy thing made me sick to my stomach

Hi SSS,

My email that I just set up is lilybelle100@yahoo.com. Wow, I've been through all these questions too. And the fouled memories. And a polygraph. And false recovery and multiple d-days. And the isolation, anger, anti-d's etc.....not to mention the Hi-Def erotic accounts of the A., the amazing sex, 5 star hotels, the hot...well, won't go there now. Anyway - drop a line. I'm almost 5 years out, and I could have written (and did) much of your history. I'm not such a good correspondent but I'd really like to help. I've gotten MUCH better, and I think there are a few shortcuts I can reveal. Just a few.... Please drop a line. Glad you've got the support here. L

In all honesty - it's too early to tell *your journey is just starting*

Mr Pep and I are deeply emotionally connected, and although our days of acrobatic sex are gone, the emotional connection makes our sex life hot and exciting. I am very "present" and very enthusiastic - which is what matters the most. Not the deed it self - the meaning behind the deed.



I'm sure it did, but guess what? I barely remember this conversation. It was more than 13 years ago. There was more to this story and it involve "the back door" and what caused me to slap him across the face that first week ... but, why go there? It is no longer relevant.

Moan, it sure was a stupid question *smacks self on the forehead* D'oh! That was my best whiny self in action once again and the stupidity? OW cooties, that's all I can say about that.


Ewww and ha ha ha! It is springtime, GI bleeds come outta the woodwork I tells ya. That is when old nurse SSS had to do all the payback for everyone picking up the vomit I could not deal with.

Your IBS comparison made me crack up. Yes, they are very much alike!

Me too, on both counts.

Good, I am pleased for you. Emotional connection is hot and exciting. You betcha baby, it is what matters to me.



You are right, it is not relevant. What you seem to have with your H is very very special and not something that can be found in an affair, never. Thank you for being honest about something that was really none of my business and painful to have to dredge up. ((((hug))))

OK, I am probably going to embarrass myself with my cluelessness but here goes.

Pepperband, I do not get the pizza/Venus sigline. I miss your cape.

Venus

Well she has a stump! Can't she use that? I mean come on!

More grimy gophers guts. I can't stop him. He didn't know he was lying, he didn't know everything was not out boo hoo hoo. What is to become of him? He is going to leave, he is terrible a horrible person. I know everything, but I can't accept it so he is going to go. Well, can't stop him so I might as well let it happen.

All about him, again.

Yup. He is sorry. Sure he is. Now he wants a polygraph. I was not ready before, to answer the early questions about that. I knew there was more and was waiting for him to puke it out. Why waste a good polygraph question when you know it is coming sooner or later? Nothing big was left but sh** the man has sugar coated everything in his life but me, me he has thrown acid on. He actually believes his bs. You warned me and that is why I have guarded my heart and not let it open to him yet.

I am just about as angry now as I have ever been in my life. Dr. Harley would be proud, no outbursts! Just seething anger.

He just said, "It isn't any better for you is it?" LOL, no it isn't. Wants another chance, wants me to help him do it right. What in the he** do you do when a sobbing, decompensating man that you actually do care for says he needs you and can't lose you. Well me? I just sit here and remind him that he did it and he needs to fix it and I do not owe him my help. After all, he has left me with plenty of my own grief work to do. How's that for a recovering Pollyanna and all round people helper?

I am applauding you.

Hang in there, SSS. I have been thinking about how fast your situation is moving. In my case, it took me 6 months to even figure out that there was an affair. WH never admitted anything, even when the OW was living with him.

Then I went around like a zombie for another 6 months, mainly not believing what was happening to our marriage. So I had a lot of time to process things.

Hope you are taking some time here and there to dance with the goats and relax. You are going at breakneck speed, not that it is bad, just very stressful.

sss-
hi - glad to see you posted to dr. harley. HE is giving you the advise that you and GM should be following. he has a plan in mind for both of you. just stay calm and know that there is a path out of this mess.

when your H asks you how he should get better- or when he wants help- and you are feeling like you just got run over by a mack truck- just advise him that he should be going to dr harley or kim for help - not you- thats not your job.

i know all about this behavior- for the first 8 months after d-day, my H did not ONCE think of my and my pain. he wallowed and felt bad for himself. once we were even in MC and he asked the counselor WHY he was there! this was bc the counselor was telling him that he needed to put my feelings now above his own.

so - i know how frustrating it is. he does not do this anymore. try to detach and tell him about your pain and how you need to heal.

i explained to my H just yesterday - imagine that you ran someone down with your car. t hey are in the hospital. you go to visit them. do you ask them to help you feel better because you feel bad.... or do you try to encourage them to get better?

you can do it- call kim - she is great to talk to,

sf

sadsosad is bowing and saying thank you.

Things are a little cooler and calmer so far today. We have a 2500sq.ft. garden to get to work on so our RC time will be shooting way up there. That will help because for the very first time we are doing this together. Nothing like lots of sweat and sore backs to draw a couple together, no? We have to start building fence today. Oh boy. At least we do not yell at each other anymore except over his past behavior. Somehow everything else seems stupid to get upset about.

I do not think that this year he will be taking stuff from the garden that I did all by myself and feeding it to his girlfriend. I think, just in case, I will document and count everything that fruits! J/King of course, I think he learned that that was not a good thing to do.

Too fast too fast. We have to slow down. Steve keeps saying that. We can't move on MB at the normal speed until he heals me and that is going to take a while. While I work on it myself he keeps falling apart.

I keep telling him that just because I freak out it does not mean I am leaving. Good grief. If I have committed to staying and seeing this through then a freak out is not going to make me stop.


I don't think I ever hit zombie for more than a few hours. It hit me so hard. How, after suspecting all that time, I could be so blindsided I will never understand. Man, it must have been terrible for you. How on earth did you get everything done that a mother has to do? I am so sorry. I think I hate feeling like a zombie worse than I hate feeling sad or angry. That had to have been so very hard for you.


I am, I do have my bright spots. Yesterday was a bit unusual for me since it really colored my entire day. Little goats are so sweet (not really I just think they are) and cute and fun that it is hard to feel funky around them. They are my picture of joy when I need to pull myself out of the funk. Besides, how can one stay sad when a goat is running sideways past you and leaping into the air with abandon?

Good advice. I think GM sent an email to Kim last night. Today is a new day. We will move on.


I guess this means I can't hit him? :MrEEk: Just kidding. I have been trying but then I start to cry and that makes me angry etc. etc. I HAVE to get my own self under some control. I did not have an AO yesterday. I was very proud of myself.


This is very good. Very good analogy. I will be using that, thanks.

Thanks for everything. Here is to better days.

sss-
so glad to hear that GM contacted kim! great- its so much better to take action - and do something - rather than getting stuck in the emotion.
and that you are both doing an activity today and starting a new day. GREAT NEWS!!

i had a good laugh when you asked about hitting him!! there was actually a night when my H was revealing more info about his affairs while i was questioning him - that i held a knife to his neck! OMG - i was insane! but it was insane with the deepest hurt imaginable- only that another person who has been there can know how we feel- and i DO know.

also - there was one d-day - when i actually scratched up his face. he had marks all over his face. my poor dd asked what happened to daddy. we told her that he fell. now i feel sick to think of my behavior - but i was in soooooo much pain - and i didnt know what to do. we had not even heard of MB at taht time.

Glad you liked my analogy!

just for today -a miracle has occured with my H and me! we spoke last night without one AO or DJ from me! and when he broke one of our POJAs- i just was calm and then calmly walked away when he wouldnt stop pressuring me to do what he wanted! yeah!

YOu can do it too- i know your wounds are still alot more fresh - and they need some time to heal- but dont give up hope.
(((((((sss)))))))))

sf