Bumpity-bumpity-BUMP!!!

Bump!

Thanks Dancing_Machine but I didn't really think that I was gonna get much help here any way. My H prefers that we don't talk cause apparently all I do is [censored] at him. Its making me think he'd prefer I become a silent partner. I have been the maid, the nanny, and the cook....and he made it seem that is how he wants it to stay. So that's how it will stay. I am no longer worried about what I thought was important. Now I will simply do what I can to get through the day. I have camped out on the couch, and that is where I will stay.

BUMP!!

GL, I don't have time to read all the threads, but I check in when someone requests extra help. Sorry it took me so long. Here's my 2 cents.

Do NOT separate! That is the death sentence for your marriage! Do NOT! Tell your H whatever it takes to keep him from moving out, and don't you move out!

Then, find the Love Buster questionnaire here. Print out 2 copies. Make H a great meal, and after dinner, while you're still at the table (I hope you don't eat in front of the tv; if you do, STOP it!), tell him about this program you found while you were searching how to work on yourself and save your marriage. Ask him to fill out the LBQ so you will know what you do that he doesn't like; tell him once you know, you will eliminate those things to the best of your ability. And mean it!

If he wants it, you can fill yours out, too, but don't push it for now. Get his answers, and spend the next 2 months doing nothing but ensuring you have stopped all LBs.

In the meantime, map out time on your calendar for you and your H to spend time together - alone. Put the fun back in your marriage. MB wants you to spend 15 hours a week together just the two of you, without kids or work or drudgery. Find a way! If you don't have family nearby, find a babysitter. If you can't afford a babysitter, find a babysitting co-op. But make that time!

Also, start talking to HIM about HIS life. He obviously is disappointed in his life right now. Find out why. Is his job bad? Can he make a change? Can you help somehow? If nothing else, become the person he talks to about his job. Take him lunch if you can. Meet him at a park for lunch. Surprise him. Make his time away from home (and AT home) as nice as possible. But talk to him, about HIM!

Finally, after working on the LBs for 2 months, print out the Emotional Needs questionnaire. Ask him to fill out that one. And start making sure YOU are the person who meets every one of those needs. We can help with suggestions if you need it.

You can do this! But not if you're separated!

Its ok Catperson, there are a lot of people on here that need help. I appreciate all of those that did offer their two cents. I'll try the Love Buster if I can find it. lol. We aren't separating though. If I left I was only going to go back home for a week or two, but if I do he'd probably try and get me arrested for kidnapping. But I've decided to stay. But I'm pretty sure that our marriage is already over.

You said to talk to him about his life. I would love to, but he doesn't ever feel like talking. Least of all to me. He's disappointed in his life because he's stuck with me. He doesn't want to spend time with me, so I'm not going to force him to any more. If he wants to talk, I'm here for him. I've always been here, but the feelings aren't mutual. I am not the one that has been pushing him away. I am not the one that has stopped talking.

I will try the the Love Busters and if that doesn't help then I give up. We have gone through this for the last 5 years or so. He backs away from me and I get upset and tend to lash out at him. And we talked about that last night. But he never sees that he pushes me away. I try to get him to talk to me, but he doesn't want to. I make him feel uncomfortable. Therefore I guess I have been the one causing this. Therefore I am stopping everything. I am packing up all of my stuff, accept for the necessities like clothes and bathroom stuff. But all of my collectibles and nick-knacks and craft stuff that I can't get rid of is going in boxes. Yeah I know that makes it look like I've already given up, well that's because I have. I mean I'm sleeping on the couch for crying out loud, and speaking of, that's how I get to sleep at night by crying myself to sleep.

I don't want any thing to remind me that we were once a family. We are not a couple any more. Basically he is my employer, only I don't get paid, I just get to live and eat here for free. That's all there is left. I can't keep trying and putting myself in the position for him to squash all of my hopes and dreams and take my feelings and put them in the shredder. Because every time I talk about how I feel, that's what happens. He doesn't care about how I feel or what I want, frankly I'm not sure he ever has. Its all about him, and now you are telling me to keep letting it be all about him. Well I'm sorry, I've already lost so much of myself by doing that. I can't.

From now on, I will be the maid, the nanny, and the cook. I will live my life as a hermit taking care of our son. I have nothing left to give.

But I thank you all for your help.

If you truly feel that way, you owe it to your son, your husband, and yourself to go ahead and separate. Don't teach your son that it is acceptable to settle and not work, which he is learning from both of you.

I didn't say that we aren't gonna work at it. I'm just not putting forth any more extra effort. But I did print out the Love Busters and we talked about it. However the questions are really lame, so I printed out the Emotional Needs thing. And he has taken off tomorrow so he can go for his driver's license. And last night didn't feel as uncomfortable. He was upset about my stuff being packed, but I explained that I was trying to get rid of my obsessions. But we didn't talk much about it. He's giving me my space as well. Last night I didn't even cry. I think right now we just need to give each other our space. And then we can try to figure out whether we want to be together or not. But like I said last night wasn't terrible, and hopefully tonight won't be either, and then there is tomorrow. I haven't totally given up, if he's willing to try, then so will I. But I won't do it all myself.

Try reading The Dance of Anger. See if it helps any.

we can't afford any books, but I'll see what I can do.

Most libraries carry that book.

O/T
If you're tight on money, do you ever look for resale shops? I buy most of my clothes and some household stuff, and get bargains. Jeans for $6, shirts for $3, stuff like that.

I'll see if I can get to the library and check it out. As far as money being tight, most of the time it doesn't exist for us. There used to be a resale shop here in our town, but now its an ice cream shop. My MIL has been trying to get me to the one that she goes to, but there is always some reason we are unable to go. But my H and I need to go through our finances and try and come up with a better system. Hopefully some day I can start selling some of the stuff that I make, so we can have something more. But that's part of why I'm getting rid of some of my craft stuff, so I can focus on one thing and maybe full fill my dream. I've asked him what he thought of that, he didn't really seem to care. He doesn't really have much faith in me, but maybe if I work at it that will change. I also asked him if he wanted me to stay and he said yes. His mom has offered to help us, and I think that maybe we will be able to get through this if we have help from someone that has been in our exact position. As each day passes, I'm beginning to feel a little better. It may not be as over as I was afraid. Something I hate about myself is that I can be a little over dramatic.

What kind of craft?

Another way to get things cheap is eBay. (sometimes) Or a local version of eBay, or something like Craigslist.com.

Another wonderful website is freecycle.com. People post things they want to GIVE away so the stuff doesn't end up in the dumps. So you can get regular updates on things people in your area are giving away. I love it!

Yeah I've been to most of those sites. Actually I have two items on ebay to see if they will sell. So far all I have made is jewelry and incense burners. But I really want to be a plus size designer. I am not the best seamstress and I need a lot of practice and I need to learn how to make the clothes that I have designed.

Hmmm. How about...take some pictures of some of the jewelry that you've made, download them and create a flyer on your computer, and go to Kinkos and have about 10 copies printed out, and go to any local stores/locations that young women would go to, like a coffee shop, and ask the owner if you can post a flyer on their window, or put it on their counter. See if anyone calls. You could also save them up and sign up for some of the Christmas bazaars that always pop up at churches, and have a booth there to sell them. If you know any teenage girls, you could say to them that if they take orders for jewelry for you at their school and say it sells for $10, you'll give them $5 of it. That way, they are selling it for you! If you do enough of that, you could afford to take some sewing classes. My local sewing machine store gives afternoon-long classes for $25.

Thank you for the suggestions I'll see what I can do in this small town. Right now I'm more concerned with my marriage. We had a nice day even with the few set backs. Until I asked him "so where are we?" With some attitude he said " I don't know". I didn't say another word, because I didn't want to fight and I didn't really know what to say. But it hurt, it felt like he's avoiding trying to work on this or else he doesn't care any more. I'm really getting scared.

Bump

Well here we go again. We spoke last night and I offered to wipe the slate clean and if we loved each other maybe we could skip all the extra crap and just go back to being in love. So I asked him, "do you love me?" and he replied with, "honestly, I don't know. I know I care about you. but I can't say that I love you" And at least now I know I'm not completely paranoid. He said he doesn't know how long he's been feeling like this, but its been a while. And now he needs some time to figure it out. But that's why he hasn't been talking, because he doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know why he feels this way or how to change it or anything. I told him that he needs to figure it out, because we both deserve better. And that I'm not going to show my son that marriage is only about tolerating each other. I want him to see that its about love and respect. And again I offered to go to Nebraska if he thinks we need some time apart. And I offered to let him see other women if he needs to, just to see if he's happier with some one else. But as I feared, I believe that divorce is in our future.

We hugged last night before he went to bed and I really did my best not to cry. (I am an very emotional person) But as soon as he put his arms around me I started gasping for air. It felt like we were saying goodbye. After a couple minutes or so I had to let go. I couldn't even look him in the face when I left. I just let go and turned around as quickly as I could with my hands up by my face and left the bedroom to sit on the couch and cry some more.

Now we have his family coming to see us. His mom knows about part of what we are going through. And we know she told his brother and sister part of it, because they are all coming. But I guess we won't know whats going to happen till it happens. I just feel like digging a very large hole and climbing in and finding a way to cover it up and hid there till my husband comes to his senses.

And bump!