This sounds like very good news to me.

I am not sure what to tell you about spending time together vs. getting through withdrawal...withdrawal can take a long time, and my guess is that it will be worse without the sidetracking of trying to work on your M. [My H never went through withdrawal that I could see, and he still claims that he never felt it...he was glad to be done with the A and the OW, so I am no expert on this.]

Can you make an appt. with Steve Harley and ask his advice on this? Click on "Coaching Center" at the top of this page. It's worth the cost, he can help you get started on recovering your M and then you can come back here, tell us what he said, and we will guide you on the steps he suggests.

He's helped us tremendously. But you should read the books first, at least SAA, HNHN and LB.

Damn shreds, you slept with the OM again? Not very encouraging. So you start NC over again. And still want to reconcile. You love the OM, and you LYHBYANILWH. So because you read a book about how damaging divorce is to kids, you are now completely sold out to reconciliation. I was 5 years old when my mom divorced my father for another man. I have been married for 29 years this Sunday. Your kids are use to the way things are. They have adjusted. Now you're going to try to go back to a marriage that leaves you emotionally dissatisfied. Why? The die is cast with your kids. Lets say you go back and are able to white knuckle it for a couple of years. But you are unhappy. And the OM comes back? You are torturing yourself, your husband, the OM and, your kids.

Triage!

This one has a black tag on it.

You are so full of the importance of your feelings. It’s not so dang confusing at all, actually. It’s simple. For you, feelings trump all.

Despite your protestations, your angst, you choose your feelings over your ethics at every opportunity. Probably always have.

You consistently choose your feelings even over the welfare of your family, your very children.

Bottom line: you fail the test.

How many make-up exams do you deserve?

How many more pieces of your children’s and BH’s heart do you need?

You probably plan to continue lying and keep all these failures of yours from him too, right? For his own good, yes? But in the end it will be because even he does not want to know who you really are any longer. I think even you know that now.

My only advice to you: You need to grow up.

I agree ... DOA!!!

IS,

You have been seperated for a year ... the divorce is almost final ... I think you've hurt your BH enough ... allow the divorce to proceed and let this guy get on with his life.

Now, if you've truly learned anything from this ... good for you ... maybe you won't make the same mistakes again in the future in your next relationship ... although if I were betting, I'd bet on you going back to OM.

Is this a test?? A joke?? You sound like the sick, twisted people I referred to a few posts back!

What is LYHBYANILWH???

No...it wasn't just in reading that book...the page just highlighted and supported what was already going on in my heart and head. My kids haven't adjusted.
I didn't realize that I WAS emotionally dissatisfied when I had the affair. I know he was too!! He just escaped with painkillers (had a serious addiciton to them for about 2 years and had to go to rehad). So neither one of us EVER got the chance to understand EN or try to meet the others' EN.
If my husband is WILLING to #1 take me back #2 explore the MB stuff with me...then do you still think this is dead and forget about it???

I have NOT been "happy" since I have been away from my family.

My H and children have not been "happy" since I betrayed them.

I have never believed in that "happiness" crap even deep deep in the fog. I know better. Happiness is a choice that you make and I think it is supported by knowing that you have done the right thing...not JUST for yourself but for others that you love as well.

Do you STILL think this is a waste of time??

Still waiting for an answer here i_s.

not that I can think of....

No, but you are making mistakes that we WARNED you about.

Have you looked into moving yet? Looked into the restraining order?

You SOUND serious about avoiding C but then you do it anyways! Don't play games with us; we will help you if you want it, but you have to help YOURSELF before we can really help you.

YOU MUST STAY IN NC FOR THIS TO WORK. Everytime you have C again you set yourself and your goals WAY back. And time is ticking away...your D is almost final!!

Remember that you are an ADDICT...you are ADDICTED to the FEELINGS you get from the OM, nothing more. You CAN get these feelings from your H again, but first you must get through withdrawal and get SERIOUS about staying "sober" and away from the CRACK.

Got it??? Let us know when you are serious. So far with these slip-ups it doesn't seem like you are.

I HAVEN'T had contact since I updated this thread!! I was only trying to be honest and upfront with what I was feeling (knowing that feelings are only temporary and they can't be trusted!!!) so that I could get through it. There is NO way NOT to go through withdrawal...and there is NO way not to have those feelings....do you just want me to pretent I am not having them??? I KNOW I am an addict and I KNOW all of what you said!! I KNOW I can get these feelings from my H again!!!
Why do you think I can even want or be in NC?? I couldn't if I didn't believe this stuff! Who would want to go through that without belief that things can be different than they are today.

Yes, I am looking at moving. They will not let me sublease my apartment. I am trying to figure out what my other options are. I have a plan for the weekend between family and friends and the parenting workshop to stay busy and gone. Beyond that I haven't figured out yet. Going to Minnesota for another week is an option.

I am also supposed to hear back about a Christian based program in Fla for sexual addiction today. That would be a 30 day program. Cannot fathom being away from my children for that long...but the long term effects of not finding out what pain is driving this addiction is more risky to them and everyone I love.

I'm not ouchthathurt, but what I "think" is that you are still "all about you".

You are trying NOW, because you are facing the very real possibility of losing your BH for good ... you won't seriously give up OM ... so you're still very much in "cake eater" mode. All about YOU ... having your cake and getting to eat it too.

You have done NOTHING that has been advised ... you are in a holding pattern trying to keep all of the balls in the air ... unwilling to step outside of your comfort zone and actually do something meaningful.

How exactly do I have my cake? i don't have the OM and I don't have my husband. and I may never get my H back....that is a possibility.

what have I NOT done? I can't make it all happen overnight....I wish I could. I feel like I am trying to run and my legs won't move fast enough.

Maybe you all are right...

I don't have time to go back and read everything, but I do know that you started this thread, stated you were going into NC and then WENT BACK ON YOUR WORD.

Withdrawal isn't that hard when you stop focusing on FEELINGS. Think about this LOGICALLY...there is nothing "to" your relationsh*t with OM, it's all a big giant FANTASY.

He is a joke...who bangs a married woman and encourages her to leave her FAMILY??? Is this really a quality person you want to end up with???

If the answer is NO then get over it...quit fantasizing about his "good qualities"...they are a farse anyways and deep down you should know that by now.

He is scum and that's obvious. A "good person" does not encourage others to leave their spouse and their children...a "good person" does not down-play a D and the effect it will have on you or your children.

A good, moral person encourages people to work out their M AT ALL COSTS (not abuse, obviously, but that isn't what we are talking about here). SELFISH people encourage D...OM doesn't care about YOU or YOUR CHILDREN...he only cares about making HIMSELF happy. THat is what APs do...it's an inherent SELFISH quality that will not go away...it IS who they are.

Why don't you write out 10 things that you HATE about OM and post them here?

Then write out 10 things you LOVE and ADMIRE about your H and post them here?

The differences will be glaringly obvious and maybe that will help you through withdrawal.

In all honesty, my assessment, as a total stranger, is this:

You no longer love your husband.
You desire to love him (maybe, sort-of) but you don't love him currently. You wish you loved your husband, but you don't.

It is difficult to deposit love units in situations like yours - and it is IMPOSSIBLE while you are still in contact with the nasty OM.

That's my brief opinion about this.

I agree with Pep, but DESIRE to love your H and fix your family is a step in the right direction.

You will feel better about yourself and your life when you begin DOING THE RIGHT THING.

That begins with NC.

This rings very very true with me. I WANT to love my husband again. I see what you mean about the love units and being in contact the the nasty OM.

There is a tell in here. Two, actually.

“I didn’t realize that I was emotionally dissatisfied when I had the affair.”

What does this mean? When you started the adultery? During the whole of your marriage?

In general, for most normal people, emotional dissatisfaction = unhappy, right? So, you were pretty much always unhappily married to a useless H who had more problems than you could ever even want to try to deal with. Right. True or not you are saying that’s what it was to you. Now. You didn’t know it then, though.

So, you were unhappy and didn’t even know it.

LOL.

Fog and self deception.


“I have NOT been "happy" since I have been away from my family.” And, “I have never believed in that "happiness" crap even deep deep in the fog.”

I don’t think anyone here knows what this means either. You don’t believe in “that happiness crap” yet a lack of it drives you as if before a pack of demons with fiery whips.

And so you are not happy with your OM too, and never have been.

Not happy here. Not happy there. Not happy anywhere.

What will ever be different?

Does it ever occur to you your lack of happiness has a lot more to do with you than it does with your H or your OM?

No one can “make you happy”. You have to do that for yourself. True happiness, the kind you can take to the bank, the kind of joy you take with you when you go, is independent of your external and even intimate relationships.

Personally, I don’t think you have SA. I think you have LA. Not Sexual Addition, but Love Addiction. You are addicted to love, and it does not matter who the object of your affections, as shallow as they are, is.

Could be a tortoise for all it really matters.

You have been this way for so long now you are thoroughly addicted to the feelings themselves, and to all the drama you can create around you.

So, what do you propose doing about it? No one, no one at all here or there or anywhere can do anything about it for you. What are you going to do? (Preferably something done that does not hurt your family any more.)

Ok IS ... no you cannot do it all in one day ... no one suggested that... but you are dragging your feet re possible moving or taking other actions to keep OM away from you.

I am confused here

very simply

did you have contact with the OM since he turned up back a few weeks ago just before you went to Minn?

If yes ... when? What did YOU do?

If no please be very plain and say so.

If you are talking about your feelings please just say so as well it helps all giving advice to understand its a thought and not an action.

Remember I was a WW once too I know the addiction of the affair ... THAT IS WHY YOU MUST MOVE ( or the OM move)

because you are addicted to the OM and HE is addicted to you and HE has no interest in keeping NC .... HE is working on you breaking it over and over until HE gets his way. HE has had this work before ... HE is really only interested in HIS wants.

HE wants to keep bonking you ... that's the plain blunt fact.

Now ok I can understand this move may not be possible immediately but you also must understand that it means the OM can just waltz in when he feels like it and drag you back into the affair. YOU then have to start all over again and eventually you WILL give up. HE counts on that.

So you are in a lease... ok what about talking to the manager agent etc and proposed advertising for a tenant to take a new lease in place of yours subject to his approving the applicant of course..... think for solutions outside the box.

Have you investigated a RO of some kind? It may or may not be granted ... who knows??? .... yet you need to show yourself and your family you are SERIOUS. Are you?

IS radical surgery is required to have any chance of reconciling with your H pre or post D. Because when your H realises you have not committed EVERYTHING to getting rid of the OM sooner rather than later he is going to say go away don't darken my door step again.

IS you truly need to decide what you want... what you are prepared to do to get it. YOU ARE RUNNING OUT OF TIME

If its your H then you know you need to follow MB maybe get Dr Harley involved ... if its not ... then be as cooperative as you can with your H and have as painless a D as can be worked out... though there will be pain for all even so.

What frustrates many of us here is that we can see you COULD do this if you really wanted to. :twobyfour: