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As I've been reading here, I see some threads where the WH is clearly in an affair with a very sleazy woman.

I know that Freud identified this complex, but wondering if psychiatrists today have an explanation.

My sons' dad was attracted to very sleazy women, but married me. He wanted a wife that was a good woman, but cheated with the others.

I believe my ex married me because he wanted someone to help take care of his kids. And that was me. However, when he cheated, he picked out a loose woman that partied, abandoned her daughter and was completely inappropriate as a wife.

I would like some input from men (or women) who have any ideas about this syndrome.

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Sure, quality women have enough self-worth to not be interested in a married man, whereas a sleazy woman doesn't. It takes garbage to act like garbage.


Me(bw/fww) 39
recovering with amazing fwh/bh 36
DS 7
DS 4

His
EA Oct '07 - 7/2/08 (d-day)
NC 7/4/08

Hers
EA/RA 6/'09-3/'10
NC 3/17/10


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This is a loaded question and I have a lot of thoughts on this...

The first one would be that it all boils down to self esteem...and it's a self-fulfilling prophecy; a vicious cycle.

One slides into "low self-esteem" because they CHOOSE to...they CHOOSE to act sleazy, usually out of selfishness (it makes them feel good for about 3 minutes)...which leads to even GREATER low self-esteem because of their poor choices...which leads to yet another sleazy act in an attempt to make themselves feel better...which deteriorates their self-esteem even further.

And on and on it goes...


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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I think men might "choose" a woman like this because he knows she is a shoe-in...he will not be rejected by someone LOWER than himself (even though he is just as low as she is at the moment).


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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I don't call myself a "sleazy" woman and neither does my H, despite my having had an A.

Interestingly, I've never had any problem with doing "anything" with my H. We've always had a very varied and exciting SF life. I come across as a bit prudish IRL but in the bedroom (with my H) I'm a real hottie.

I say interestingly because that was not the case with the OM. I held back a great deal because I didn't feel "safe" as I do with my H.

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Originally Posted By: broken_soul
Sure, quality women have enough self-worth to not be interested in a married man, whereas a sleazy woman doesn't. It takes garbage to act like garbage.

And this is absolutely true...very well said.

I do not have low self esteem because I have never ACTED lowly. Self esteem comes from doing the RIGHT THING, all the time. Not just when one thinks others are looking.


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Originally Posted By: KiwiJ
I don't call myself a "sleazy" woman and neither does my H, despite my having had an A.

Interestingly, I've never had any problem with doing "anything" with my H. We've always had a very varied and exciting SF life. I come across as a bit prudish IRL but in the bedroom (with my H) I'm a real hottie.

I say interestingly because that was not the case with the OM. I held back a great deal because I didn't feel "safe" as I do with my H.


But would you say you acted sleazily during your A?


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Yes, I would say that. Of course I did. Sneaking around having an A is sleazy.

But, I'm not the definition of "a sleazy woman" as usually defined here. I'm usually called "buttoned up" and "too ladylike" by people who know me. One of my internet friends said they couldn't understand me having an A. I was "too nice".

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Jen - No, I'm talking about sleazy women that one would never want to marry, introduce to family, women that have problems, drug addictions, diseases, are prostitutes, etc.

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Gotcha. Then I don't think you are who we are talking about here. From what I gather, believer is talking about chronically sleazy women.


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Is it not possible that someone who is not "sleazy" could get caught up in an A? Sure, their actions during the A could be defined as sleazy but some people can make mistakes...I know my actions were certainly a mistake and I regret them very much but I don't consider myself a "sleazy" person.

I hear the BS speak of the OP as POS's, their S "under affaired", the OP is low class and stupid, and just generally refer to the OP as inbred misfiguations of humans, etc. and I'm sure that sometimes this is the case but isn't it possible that occasionally a decent person could make a mistake?

Also, the OP's actions after d-day can define whether they are "sleazy" or not.

Isn't there a quote in the Bible that says something like "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone?"

And, also I could add that the WS is equally as "sleazy" as the OP?
With me being a FWW, I know my actions were wrong and I am trying the best that I can but I don't think I am "sleazy".

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I guess it could also depend on what your concept of "sleazy" is...

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Also...FWIW, someone can look on the outside to NOT be sleazy (OW in our case), but behind closed doors acts VERY sleazy (and I do not mean in the things she does sexually...but having multiple sex partners, many of whom she has known a very short time (meeting them over the internet), etc...."whoring" herself out in order to try to "get" a man.

She is not overly attractive, dresses dorky (not sleazy or even "sexy", whatever that means)and does not come across in everyday life as a "whore".

However, from her "cummings and goings" (as a friend of hers said to me), she is very sleazy.

Does she have the "Madonna" complex? Who knows...we know nothing about her anymore, just what I learned and was told years ago. But I doubt someone like that changes...JMHO.


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Quote:
With me being a FWW, I know my actions were wrong and I am trying the best that I can but I don't think I am "sleazy".

Again, as I said to KiwiJ...DURING the A, you were pretty sleazy though, no?

And also...I don't think this is who/what believer was talking about when she started this thread...I get the feeling that she is talking about CHRONICALLY sleazy women...women who do NOT learn from their mistakes, and who might not even think they MADE a mistake.

Women who continue to sleep around...and lower themselves day after day, not realizing that this is where their "low self esteem" comes from.


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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I think it is nothing but the SEX.


BS - me 56
XWH - 57

12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Quote:
Women who continue to sleep around...and lower themselves day after day, not realizing that this is where their "low self esteem" comes from.

<I tried to edit this but the edit function ain't working...>

To clarify: I bet that many "sleazy" women don't even know that they have low self-esteem...they probably think they are just so HAWT that all of these men want them...never admitting that not many men will turn down sex from a willing woman. Or maybe they just claim to really LIKE sex, and that is why they do it.

But I have to say...I LOVE sex and I am not a sleazy woman. I'm perfectly happy getting it ONLY from my H. I don't need to whore myself out to feel better about myself.


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Originally Posted By: KiwiJ
I don't call myself a "sleazy" woman and neither does my H, despite my having had an A.

Interestingly, I've never had any problem with doing "anything" with my H. We've always had a very varied and exciting SF life. I come across as a bit prudish IRL but in the bedroom (with my H) I'm a real hottie.

I say interestingly because that was not the case with the OM. I held back a great deal because I didn't feel "safe" as I do with my H.


There are many WS here that are not "sleazy" - but the acts of adultery are definitely sleazy, selfish, and devastating. I am a BS that is in early recovery. I can't call an affair anything but "sleazy". I don't expect to ever change my mind about that. I love my husband. I hate the OW and everything that she did with MY husband. This definitely clouds my judgement. I have forgiven my husband. I will never forgive the OW. She will have to get forgiveness from her husband. I am not even going to try.


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Can anybody make a mistake? Sure. We're all human. But an affair isn't a "mistake" - it's done with premeditation and with full knowledge that it's wrong and hurtful - otherwise it wouldn't be hidden. Therefore, while you're in an A, you're sleazy. I don't care if the OP is highly educated, a high school dropout, or anywhere in between.

My H was acting like a real scumbag when he was having his A. He's not normally, but during the A - yes, he was a real jackass. The OW is an even bigger piece of crap because she's twice divorced, has kids (but doesn't have custody), repeatedly makes the same mistakes, and KNOWINGLY got involved with my husband. All that aside, she's butt ugly anyway.


Me(bw/fww) 39
recovering with amazing fwh/bh 36
DS 7
DS 4

His
EA Oct '07 - 7/2/08 (d-day)
NC 7/4/08

Hers
EA/RA 6/'09-3/'10
NC 3/17/10


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Also...I do not believe that a woman has to sleep with gads and gads of men in order to be considered "sleazy"...it can be only a handful of men, but it's the CIRCUMSTANCES surrounding the sex that makes her a "sleazy woman".

FWIW, anyways.


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Quote:
All that aside, she's butt ugly anyway.

LOL!


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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