And so you are not happy with your OM too, and never have been.

Not happy here. Not happy there. Not happy anywhere.

What will ever be different?

Does it ever occur to you your lack of happiness has a lot more to do with you than it does with your H or your OM?

No one can “make you happy”. You have to do that for yourself. True happiness, the kind you can take to the bank, the kind of joy you take with you when you go, is independent of your external and even intimate relationships.

Personally, I don’t think you have SA. I think you have LA. Not Sexual Addition, but Love Addiction. You are addicted to love, and it does not matter who the object of your affections, as shallow as they are, is.

Could be a tortoise for all it really matters.

You have been this way for so long now you are thoroughly addicted to the feelings themselves, and to all the drama you can create around you.

So, what do you propose doing about it? No one, no one at all here or there or anywhere can do anything about it for you. What are you going to do? (Preferably something done that does not hurt your family any more.)
[/quote]

I think you are correct. And yes, it has occurred to me many many times that it has a lot more to do with me than anyone else. But I never saw it like you described it. But you are right on target.

What to do about that??? I have absolutely NO clue.

sorry...the previous was a quote that I dropped the front quote off of!! sorry...

my response begins 2nd to the last line.

Whoa shreds. LYHBNILWH. Love your husband but not in love with him. So then because I agree with what your friends say. I am sick and twisted? No body is saying abandon your children (I know what that feels like too because of my dad). I was initially in support of you trying to reconcile, until you explained that your husband NEVER met your emotional needs and whats more basically confirmed that he wouldn't in the future either. So then an opinion is only of value to you, when it agrees with what you feel at the time. No problem. I can do that. You're right.

I repeat: grow up.

The following might not come out as clearly as I wish, but I'll give it the old college try. (I shudder at the lack of an editor)...


Simply grow up and find out who you are.

You might need to do this by yourself.

You don’t need to be happy to do this.

Joy is what you are really after. No one is promised happiness in this life. Although, we have been promised joy.

But so very few people attain joy. Or even try to attain it. It takes a lot of hard work. You have to earn joy. So many, most, want joy for the taking, for nothing. And so they get mere happiness instead.

You have to know who you are.

In the movie Moonstruck, the Olympia Dukakis character, the mother of the Cher character, is propositioned by some seek professor dude. She could have a nice little undiscovered affair if she wanted to. She says, “No, I know who I am.”

I thought that was a meaningless statement until I went through all this adultery crap. Now I think that line was written by a BS.

Now I see almost without exception, adulterers, and all their OP, never seem to know who they are. Without exception, they do not know themselves.

They all want happiness at other people’s expense; yet they strenuously claim it isn’t so. They do not know themselves and so they do not know what they are doing to others. They do not even know what they are doing to themselves.

Feelings lie. That’s what feelings are. Non-realities evolution created to drive your endocrine system for one purpose or another such as procreation, or fight or flight.

Feelings are not real, not bad feelings and not good feelings. They are simply there to drive you where you might not otherwise go for purely corporeal purposes.

Satisfying these drives makes you feel happy. Even when you are not. Even when you are harming yourself, and even when you are harming others.


So grow up and know yourself.

Try for joy.

EVERY FWS rewrites history this way and says this...i_s is no different. This changes nothing, it's a typical response from an active WW.

i_s...keep on with the plan we are outlining for you here...go into NC and STAY in NC. Give up your drug and your M CAN be fixed (husband willing)...but you MUST follow the steps.

I NEVER said he NEVER met my emotional needs. That is not true. AT the time the A started both he and I were in very withdrawn places...we had a TON of financial stress and we were just trying to survive...never spending any time together.
In the past, we HAD met each other's needs....but we hadn't been for a few years at the time of the A. This is no excuse for an affair!! I am just telling you the state of the M at the time. Instead of looking at things and trying to work on things with him, I "ran away" and had an affair.


You know, I KNOW that you have all been hurt beyond words....but many waywards are hurting too....and all I was trying to do was be honest and open...as much as I 'can'. I am very very flawed...and I am well aware of that.

I am trying to find hope here.

I_S,

You said This place will offer you guidance, but your actions are going to have to provide you the hope. You see to think that you must have hope before you do what is right. You have it backwards. YOu do what is right, and THEN you will have hope.

All the folks can do here is tell you from their perspective what is the right thing to do. It is your call as to what THE RIGHT THING TO DO really is. I think you know.

1. Stop the affair

2. NEVER and I mean NEVER contact OM again.

3. Once you have done those things, seek counseling.

4. Speak with your H, you two are still co-parents.

5. Work on your boundaries and your view of what good morals really mean, then live to the standards of those morals by protecting your boundaries.


I have no idea if there is a chance for you getting back with your H. You dumped him a year ago and from your most recent post you stated the marriage was not in good shape. Lots of financial stress, lots of loneliness. But, you seem to forget it was bad for him also, perhaps worse as I would bet he felt the financial issues really fell on his shoulders. You made it worse by abandoning him and running off with OM.

So will he take you back??? For sure not in your present situation: foggy, still thinking of OM first your family and H second and last. However, if you get through withdrawal and start focusing on who you are what type of person you represtent, there may well be hope. You will not know until you do the right thing, THEN there might be hope. It sure won't happen the other way.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

I recall that movie as a perfect way to address exposure.

Cher's mom called it out loud and proud against her WH.
I like her touch of asking him if he found anything wrong with her as his wife before she raises the subject of his infidelity.

Dang straight I say!!!

IS,

I will tell you that he has lied to you.

You are not #2 for him sexually. There has been another woman between you and his wife, and I would put money on this.

Why?

Because don't you find it VERY ODD that a man of religious quality leaves a pregnant wife for no apparent reason in the middle of her pregnancy?????

I would venture a bet there was another woman in the shadows. And that he lied to her about the OW - and that YOU are OW number TWO.

You just don't know it. And he would NEVER admit this to you, or to her.

This would certainly explain the sudden abandonment of his religious beliefs, his wife, his life, his family......

Doesn't this sound like an affair to you?

Someone just walking away from everything?


Isn't this familiar? Walking away, doing things COMPLETELY UNCHARACTERISTIC?????


Now, he hooks up with you. But he could never tell you that he has done this before, because that would be admitting his shame.


And that he would be the type of man who would probably do this to YOU.

And, by the way?????


HE WOULD BE THE TYPE OF MAN TO DO THIS TO YOU.

I KNOW THIS, BECAUSE HE DID IT TO HIS WIFE. And to your husband.

IS,

I've looked at the thread. Some thoughts for you:

1. You frequently talk about the "hold" the OM has on you. What I wonder about you and am burning to ask you is this: When and why did you decide to hand over control of your life to someone else? Because the way you describe this "feeeeeling", this OM can drive you to do just about anything - just by your merely thinking about him.

But that's not really true, is it? Reality is that YOU control your life.

Take control. Because in spite of what you have said about not blaming the OM, your posts do tend to complain about this "hold" he has on you - which is a way of casting the control to him and thus casting the blame that direction, too.

You are in control - and you are in the blame box, too. Completely blameworthy, yep.

2. Along the lines of control, your posts about "wondering" what to do about not seeing OM again, and whether or not to leave your apt, etc.

Leave. That's a no-brainer, isn't it?????

Seriously - you seem to know OM will come there. Just do not be there. Stay with a friend for awhile - or, you could have a friend stay with you and have that friend be the one to answer the door. Park your car elsewhere, or trade cars with a friend for a couple of weeks. Stay with relatives, or borrow their cars. There are solutions, but your posts seem to say "I choose not to solve this".

3. One of the themes you carry here is that your BH would not want to know what you are doing.

I call BS on that (and not Betrayed Spouse). I would say that you might want to give your BH a chance to SEE your actions and be apprised of what you are doing.

That is, if you REALLY DO WANT TO SAVE THE MARRIAGE.

I say this because a person who wants to fix something - does the work and demonstrates the effort. In the case of fixing a marriage, that would reasonably involve the spouse, and he would have to know what you are doing. So while he might not want to hear the OM's name, and know the details of your interactions with that pile of dung, he might want to know

YOUR PLAN
YOUR ACTIONS
YOUR WHEREABOUTS
YOUR PROGRESS
YOUR CHANGES
YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT BH
YOUR PROGRESS IN LEARNING ABOUT HOW AFFAIRS DAMAGE MARRIAGES
YOUR LEARNING ABOUT HOW A BS IS HURT BY AN AFFAIR
WHAT YOU ARE READING
ETC.

and the details of what you have done to cut off the affair - like changing your cell number, changing cars, living somewhere else, not talking to dung-man (sorry, don't get me wrong, but I am almost positive your husband has a name for him that is kind of close to that), and that you are determined to do this for the sake of him first, and the family as well.

And that you want to be a woman of integrity again - whether or not the marriage is recovered, and that you recognize that it is NOT POSSIBLE to do that if you stay with OM.


Because, IS, your husband really does want to know this.

4. Somewhere in here, you need to figure out that an apology is needed.

And whether you believe it or not, a written apology to your husband might go quite far in the healing process - for both of you. You might just find as you sit down to do the writing, that you actually tune in to the truth of the pain you have caused your BH. The remorse, guilt, regret, and shame may take on a light that has not been there before. This letter could be a catalyst for YOU that brings home the "withdrawal" you seek.

Because when you put this stuff on paper you will likely be overwhelmed with the gravity and REALITY of it.

And trust me - you will NOT have memory gaps at that point, IS. You will WISH YOU DID.

Write the letter anyway.

And whatever you do - do NOT mention one single thing in this letter about what your HUSBAND could have or should have done better. And don't mention the OM at all. Because THIS one time - own it ALL.

Every cotton-picking bit of stench.

It will be the single most releasing thing you have ever done.

For yourself.

Before you send it, post it here. This will be a difficult process, but in the end, your husband just might find what he needs for healing. And so might you - in more ways than one.

SB