I am married and have a few children and have been having an affair with my boss for 5 months. I find myself obsessed with thoughts of this affair.I have become depressed and despondent. I almost feel like I want to give up on life at times. I feel so desperate and sad. I have let myself down and everyone else,yet I continue to see this man at his request and on his terms. He doesn't treat me that well, yet I keep excusing his behaviour. We just took a carribean vacation together. it was very emotionally volatile as he pushes me away and then draws me near. Its destroying me.
I want to tell my husband and start my road to recovery but all of my friends and family tell me not to...to keep it in silence for risking losing everything.Please help me.

Do you want to save your marriage?

You must end the affair, quit your job and tell your husband. You must never have contact with your boss again. Read up all that you can on this website. Buy the book Surviving the Affair. You must do this. Your husband has a right to know the truth about his life. You have already risked everything. It is up to your husband whether or not you remain his wife. Hiding this secret WILL NOT save your marriage. The only chance that you have is with the complete truth. Do it today!

sometimes I want to save the marriage and when I'm with my lover, I flip and want to rid myself of my marriage.

I'm so scared. I'm scared of losing my lover, I'm frightened that my children will hate me and my husband walks out on me. Why is it that everyone tells me to keep it quiet and I would be selfish to tell my husband because I would only be making myself feel better by telling him.
I just don't see how I can end this affair without the support of my husband.
I'm crying as I type this....my children playing behind me. I want to expose mylself to my husband and start over.

The A w/ your boss is a fantasy, IT IS NOT REAL! You are in a fog, when you end it prepare for withdrawl, depression, and a sense of pure foolishness. END IT NOW! Tell your H SOON!!

Dude

confused, the right thing to do is to tell your husband. Obviously it won't make you feel better to tell him, but he needs to know so this can all be addressed.

There is no future in your affair and there is no future in your marriage if you don't tell your husband.

You don't HAVE your lover to lose. He is just using you. You never had him to lose, confused.

The right thing to do is tell your husband, confused.

That is silly advice that makes no sense. Of course it won't make you "feel better" to tell him. Unless you are a sadist. Your friends don't have the slightest idea what they are talking about. Obviously a marriage cannot be fixed if both partners don't know what the problem is. More lies and deceit are not a solution, they only compounds the crime.

HONESTY is the solution to infidelity, not deceit.

I can only tell you what I would do if I were in your position. I would first break it off with your boss and then quit and find a new job. That way when you do tell your husband you are completely out of that situation. And you can tell him that it won't happen again. I would tell him after you've ended it. And before you do I would try to get some counseling so that you can also tell him that you are getting help. I know its hard to even consider telling your husband because its going to throw your worlds upside down. But he deserves to know. When you are ready to tell him, think about if the role were reversed. Think of how he would tell you. But that's just what I would do if I were you.

"Everyone" has it wrong. Your husband has a right to know, to decide whether he wants to remain in this marriage. Your chances of recovery are MUCH better if you are honest. It will be MUCH WORSE if he finds out on his own.

Your relationship with your "lover" (we call them adultery partners around here) is not true. If he "loved" you, he would not want you to suffer as you are. If he loved you, he would want you to do what is best for you. What is best for you is to be in love with your husband, the father of your children, the one you made promises to. Your "lover" is a cheater and a liar, a man of no character. What kind of man sleeps with another man's wife?

Do the right thing. End it now. Tell your husband. Let the cards fall where they may, but at least you will begin to be honest with yourself and your husband.

We can help you, but not if your unwilling to stop your adultery.

how am i going to get through the withdrawl and depression and not end up in an institution?

Your children may hate you. Your husband may walk out on you. The advice that you are getting is to CYA and allow your husband to live a lie and for you to continue your fantasy life. You have already thrown your husband and your children's respect away with your selfish behavior by indulging in an affair. Your boss does not love you or he would not allow you to ruin your family with his selfish acts. Your affair is not real love. You have to know this on some level. The affair is clouding your judgement. YOU HAVE TO GIVE UP YOUR LOVER AND YOUR JOB. YOU HAVE TO TELL YOUR HUSBAND. YOU HAVE TO TELL YOUR HUSBAND. YOU HAVE TO TELL YOUR HUSBAND.

You have to accept the consequences of your actions. You must stop!

One minute at a time by living a truthful life.

I understand your thinking, GL, but she needs her husband's support to get out of there first. She can't quit her job without explaining to her H why. Secondly, with her H knowing NOW, he can help make sure the affair really does end.

The solution is to get the full truth out there now and quit her job.

I will tell my husband tonight when he gets home. I'm very afraid of his reaction. I have very young children...

You're already depressed. You won't end up in an institution. Drama much?

Stop with the excuses. Do the right thing.

Tell your husband EVERYTHING. Leave out no detail. Don't just give him the highlights.

You will be fine. TELL HIM NOW!! Dude

How are you going to get through the depression if you don't stop the CAUSE? The affair is causing you horrendous anxiety and depression. The solution is to stop the CAUSE, not to continue it.