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Joined: Mar 2009
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So I have pretty much known for over a year about WH's possible A. I think it's only emotional, but you never know. I have so much on him, it's almost embarrassing that he can still deny it. My question is, has anyone else's WS tried to discredit them to others? Telling stories or making things up to take the heat off them and make YOU look bad? Mine has started doing that to me. After everything I have found and as of Saturday an instant message conversation with tons of hug, kiss and heart smilies, how can he even begin to think I would believe him when he says he isn't cheating?

momtobug:29
WH:29
Together 15 years, married 11 years
4 kiddos
DDay, several, but a big one on 3/28/09

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Mine has done everything he can to discredit me, especially in court docs. He outright lies.


BS - me 56
XWH - 57

12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Not really. Although on Dday, when H was in defensive mode he did tell me to 'get my story straight'... skeptical

He soon ate those words.

FOW though was another story. She character assassinated her BH every chance she got.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Let's see...HMMM

I do coke, I am abusive and so on and so on.

It's amazing what can be said to try to justify the actions of others.

At the end of the day anything she came up with ended up coming back at her, it ended quick as my WW had a hard time finding people that would listen to her. Exposure is a great thing, stoped her in her tracks.


Me BS (41)
DD 10
DD 8
WW - The big D
"Don't say sorry, just don't do it again"
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My WH accused me of seeing other men as well as being a porn star. He told his whole family these lies as well as many others and swore he had proof of all of these things. But says that he is not in the mood to show it when anyone asks him too. Turns out he was the one cheating.

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I don't know your sitch but look at this objectively. Every WS rewrites history to justify their behavior. Most rational people are not willing to say thay strayed because a hot skirt walked by.

Before too long you will be the Devil incarnate. Trust me. But later you could become an angel. Good thing marital recovery doesn't follow the Bible. It is far easier to blame the A on the BS than our own weakness.

And yet - maybe it does?????

Okay. Totally irrelevant. Don't go there.

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WH has been trying to make me look bad ever since I started telling a couple people what he's doing. My new favorite line of his is "I don't have a girlfriend, but if I did, what would it matter since we are already getting a divorce." So sad that he doesn't een see anything wrong with it. His violent moodswings prove that, even tho he hasn't confessed, he is still very conflicted about how he feels. The other night I tried a little experiment. We had had a decent night and I was kinda snuggling up to him and I asked if he didn't love me at all. He was quiet for what seemed like forever. When he finally answered, he said he didn't know how to answer that. We kinda kept talking, it turned into things he didn't want to talk about, that made him angry. He finally pushed me away. I asked him again, did he not love me at all. Then he was able to say he didn't think so. I asked if he was sure and he said "pretty sure." It's funny when we aren't arguing, he can't answer the question, but it's not a problem when he's mad. What do you think that means?


momtobug:29
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4 kiddos
DDay, several, but a big one on 3/28/09
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All WS's do this. This is why rapid and nuclear exposure is the best weapon against the affair. Every person they tell first will get the "BS is a jealous, crazy ____" spin on it. Outsiders don't know what to believe once that happens.

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Oh yes!

I have often thought the real betrayal of my WW was not the sexual act but rather the lies and exaggerations it took to get to that point.

No doubt they rewrite history and tell everyone from friends to lovers to family how terrible their spouse is. They do this to justify to themselves and others that what they are doing is not so terrible. Also to get approval for doing so.

Sad thing is they rewrite and lie so much, it becomes fact to them, forever tainting their own image of you. They have to do this you see or what they are doing would look selfish and evil.

Last edited by Alrey2; 04/02/09 01:06 PM.

Me- BS39
Kids- 5&9 yrs(bio)and16 yrs(step)
Married 8yrs
D-Day 06-02-06
A Started 12-15-05
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Originally Posted By: momtobug
The other night I tried a little experiment. We had had a decent night and I was kinda snuggling up to him and I asked if he didn't love me at all. He was quiet for what seemed like forever. When he finally answered, he said he didn't know how to answer that. We kinda kept talking, it turned into things he didn't want to talk about, that made him angry. He finally pushed me away. I asked him again, did he not love me at all. Then he was able to say he didn't think so. I asked if he was sure and he said "pretty sure." It's funny when we aren't arguing, he can't answer the question, but it's not a problem when he's mad. What do you think that means?



What it means is that you need to stop all relationship talk with a wayward spouse.

In Plan A, which I assume you are in, you should not bring up relationship talk; and if he brings it up, you should redirect the conversation.

You are NOT going to get an honest answer from a wayward, and it usually leads to love busting and the WS feeling more justified in the affair.


If you ever have a cuddly moment like that again. USE IT to meet some ENs. Relationship talk WILL NOT meet his ENs.

For example, state something you admire or appreciate about him (reach far back into your mind to before the alien existed). You can be sure that the OW is pumping him full of all kinds of bull to bloat his ego. Fight fire with fire! Try something like, "I love the way your strong arms feel around me." Then just let him soak up how good it feels to be next to you. If you can't keep from going to relationship talk or LBs, then don't speak at all.

You want him to FEEL GOOD being with you during Plan A.

You want him walking away wondering, "Why am I doing this?"


Happily married to HerPapaBear



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And yes, my FWS lied about me and our life together.


Happily married to HerPapaBear



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Originally Posted By: sexymamabear
And yes, my FWS lied about me and our life together.



One night my WW told me she has never been happy!! I pointed to about 10 pictures around our living room and said....you are smiling here, here, here...etc.

She has told me.....
I need deeper therapy
I need medication
I am "faking" all my changes
I kept her emotionally isolated
The affair has nothing to do with the divorce
You get the idea....


Me 35
W 31
D12
D9
Exposure day 12/29/08 (Ws 32nd bday)
I wanted to fix marriage June 1st
A found out June 11th
W came home August 18th till the end
BS papers from her Oct 2nd
Real papers from me Oct 17th
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Quote:
My question is, has anyone else's WS tried to discredit them to others? Telling stories or making things up to take the heat off them and make YOU look bad?

Yes and YES.

When the d-day #1 hit and it was "just an EA", suddenly he was telling everyone we had "marriage problems" and he just needed someone to talk to. This was the first I had heard of our "marriage problems", before that he was just "depressed".

Even well into recovery he was defensive and rewriting history...NOT ONLY THAT, but (listen carefully here so that you can avoid this), in hindsight FWH would DO THINGS to "set me off" SO THAT he could justify the A. I did not know that at the time or I would have tried much harder to not react. It was so insane that I flew off the handle everytime he did that and that only served to JUSTIFY his A. Gaslighting at it's finest.

I was also accused of inappropriate relationships with other men and I just laughed at the absurdity of those accusations. The funny thing is I had PLENTY of opportunity and willing people...it's so far from my style, though, and deep down FWH knew that. I think it angered him that I was strong where he was weak.


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Quote:
When he finally answered, he said he didn't know how to answer that. We kinda kept talking, it turned into things he didn't want to talk about, that made him angry. He finally pushed me away. I asked him again, did he not love me at all. Then he was able to say he didn't think so. I asked if he was sure and he said "pretty sure." It's funny when we aren't arguing, he can't answer the question, but it's not a problem when he's mad. What do you think that means?

It means that he is INSANE and you need to NOT get into these convos with him.

As I always say...banging your head against a brick wall would hurt less AND get you further. He is WAYWARD, which equals INSANE. Ignore him.


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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You wouldn't believe it! I just had a cop at my house (a friend of mine)! He wanted to talk to me about a vandalism. Stupid OW accused me of keying her car last night!!! OMG!!! I told the officer why she would blame me and that I had been blamed before. He said she was SURE it was me. I told him the whole sorted story of what's been going on. He asked if he could look at my keys. I said of course and showed him. Of course there was nothing on them! He said it had happened while she was at the Fire station for training last night. I said training? He said yeah, for Fire Fighter One. I think the shock on my face said it all. I said I had no clue she was taking it! Funny WS, who is on the Fire Dept. forgot to mention that to me! HMMM!!! Then I told him WS was gone for a good part of the evening and i was home alone with the 4 kids. I asked if he wanted to see my computer records where I was on the internet. He said no. Then I asked if he wanted to talk to my kids and that he could ask my oldest daughter (who's 12) what we were doing last night. He said that would be great. So we went back to the house and he asked my daughter "what was Mom doing last night?" My daughter was speechless, poor girl. She goes "uhhhh... she was at home...." and I said all night? She said yes. I told the officer we were waiting for WS to come home so we could do our son's birthday cake (his bday was Monday, but we hadn't done the cake yet). He said that was good enough for him. I said apparently I wasn't the only enemy she had. He said he really didn't know of any other enemies she had, other than her ex. I said Tim, he said yeah. I asked if he knew why they broke up, which he didn't. So I proceeded to quickly tell him about how this time last year, Tim and OW were fighting at the same time WS and I were about how we both thought the 2 had a thing going on. Tim and I didn't know each other and we didn't know the other felt the same way. He thought that was very interesting. So he went off assuring me that unless I had confessed, there was nothing he could do anyway!
Now, could this be considered harassment? Could I get a restraining order on her? It's one thing to do this to me, but to have to involve my kids? That's beyond acceptable. My kids were really scared. And my oldest is beyond mad at OW. What should I do?


momtobug:29
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I'd visit my lawyer and see what steps you can take. I would also call all my (and WS's) family and friends and let them know what she did. AND that she is now training to be with WS at the station.

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Agree with catperson, I'd also tell WH so he can see how she is just like every other OW out there and that she is CRAZY.

Have you exposed this A to her H (exH?), the Captain at the FD (he MUST KNOW OF THIS, it could prevent her from being hired/going thru the program!!!), WH's family, your family, your friends/any mutual friends of WH's and OW????

If you haven't you need to do this ASAP and ABSOLUTELY do not tell WH you are going to do this!


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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I just looked at your sig line and realized similarities: we were married 11 years when I found out about FWH's affair...we have four kids and our oldest DD is 12.

Funny, eh?


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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I haven't exposed yet, as I have been talking with Dr. Harley and his team and they are worried he might get violent when I do. He has gotten physical with me a few times, and it's always when we have fought about her. So I told him what happened and he actually had the balls to stand up for her. Since I have told a few people, he said I should look at it from her perspective that I'm spreading crap about her. I told him I would call my lawyer tomorrow about it and he said good, since he probably had a few things to talk to me about anyhow. What had he done now? Is he gonna try to kick me outta the house? I'm mad now. Downright PISSED OFF. It's on like Donkey Kong!!!


momtobug:29
WH:29
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4 kiddos
DDay, several, but a big one on 3/28/09
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Originally Posted By: momtobug
So I have pretty much known for over a year about WH's possible A. I think it's only emotional, but you never know. I have so much on him, it's almost embarrassing that he can still deny it. My question is, has anyone else's WS tried to discredit them to others? Telling stories or making things up to take the heat off them and make YOU look bad? Mine has started doing that to me. After everything I have found and as of Saturday an instant message conversation with tons of hug, kiss and heart smilies, how can he even begin to think I would believe him when he says he isn't cheating?

momtobug:29
WH:29
Together 15 years, married 11 years
4 kiddos
DDay, several, but a big one on 3/28/09


Are you kidding? Thats what they all do! Is that why you want to stay married?


Plan D June 08
Me FBS 36
W 38
Married 13/1/09
The best is yet to come, with or without your WS

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